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Donghyun disposes the package of his triangle kimbap into the trash bin. He also throws away the bottle of mineral water to the bin with the recycle sign. He then proceeds to go to the bleachers when he feels something hits his head. He does not have to look at the person to know who the culprit is. It is always the same person.
Younggi and his lackeys.
They always disturb him, saying that he asks for it. They oppress him constantly, Donghyun even does not fight back. He does not want to give them joy by showing that he feels bothered by them. Throwing trash at him is nothing compared to what they usually do. They have done worst things, like dump his PE cloths in the mud and discard his bag's content in toilet bowl, or lock him inside the school’s storehouse when he refuses to give them money. Being bullied by them is like a daily activity for him aside from attending school.
They also like to insult him and speak name to him. This time, they are saying the same words over and over again. That Donghyun is deserved to be thrown by trash, that he is a trash for the community. A walking disgrace. That he better dies.
Donghyun continues walking to the bleachers, leaving them behind, still shouting name that Donghyun is sure can be heard until the classrooms.
He takes a seat on the bleachers, on the right side and at the back, covered by the perfect shade canopy. He chooses the right angle, that if people come to the basketball field, they will not see him instantly.
He opens the dog-eared page of his book, reading the words to calm himself. Soon, he is engrossed in the story of a cat that becomes the witness of a murder.
People may guess that reading is his favorite hobby, seeing that he devours a lot of books. They are wrong. Donghyun could not even survive less than 10 pages before. He does not have choice now but to rely on books as his only friend. No one wants to be his friend. Not after that unfortunate day.
When the citizens of South Korea discovered that he is gay.
The day started like usual, he woke up to his alarm, snoozed it off and pad into the bathroom to take a shower. He went to school with his mother, asking for pocket money to waste in the arcade game with his friends after the school. Her mother dropped him and he attended the classes. When the school ended, he and his friends really went to the arcade to play some rounds. It was all peace and laugh until one of them, Hakyun asked for some money from them. Donghyun told the rest to not give their money to Hakyun, seeing as Hakyun would use it to buy cigarettes. Hakyun got mad and told Donghyun to mind his own business. He started to force the others but Donghyun did not allow them, suggested to just leave Hakyun alone and they played in other place. Hakyun then stopped forcing them but instead he threatened Donghyun. He said that the one that should be left behind was him. Donghyun did not know at that time what Hakyun was talking about. Not until later that night, when he opened the school’s page.
Someone uploaded a video of him and his friends. They were gathered in a circle, playing the game of ‘truth or dare’. It was kind of blur but if people looked closely, they would recognize Donghyun and his friends.
The video was still fresh in Donghyun’s mind. It was the time when he came out to his close friends. Someone uploaded that.
Hakyun.
Donghyun scrolled in the comments and was shocked. The visitors of the page already guessed that it was him. Someone also put his picture from class’ collection so that others would know. A picture of him that quickly went viral.
The comments were so unbearable. They said bad words and cursed him, saying that they were disgusted by him. Some even made a petition to make him expelled from the school.
His hand trembled when he grabbed his phone. He put it on silent mode so when he turned back on the phone he was blown out by the number of notifications, missed calls, and messages. Almost all of them contained insults and many other bad words similar with the page.
He dialed his mother, asking her to come home. He wanted his mother.
He grew up only with his mother, so he was really close with her. He could tell her anything, even something so personal that other boys were embarrassed to tell their mother.
It did not take a long time for his mother to embrace him in her arms, hugged him tight when he cried his eyes out. His mother knew that he was gay. She was the first person he approached when he accepted himself.
Donghyun was in that state for days. Crying, refusing to leave his room and go to school, touching none of his food. Only weeping under his blanket. The amount of hate that he received was endless. His phone died after hours of continuous torture of profanity sent to him.
After days of trapping himself inside his room, his mother came to give him a good news. She said that they had to move. Her mother needed a lot of inspiration to write her next novel, and what was better than finding a brand new environment to refresh the idea. Donghyun agreed. They left Seoul.
If Donghyun knew her real reason to move was to stir him away from the topic of him being gay in their neighborhood rather than her finding her inspiration as an author, Donghyun did not say anything.
Whatever the reason was, he was finally free from being a disgrace.
Or so he thought.
The story was so viral that even people in their new place knew. Every students and teachers in his new school knew. He was also being ridiculed there.
When his mother suggested to move to another place, Donghyun declined. Everyone already knew. No need to run away. It would have the same result wherever they went. They had to accept the reality.
That is why now, three months later, he ends up alone on the bleachers. No friends. No one to talk with. Reading books makes him feel like he was the main character and he can communicate with other people. It feels like he has friends.
The sound of a ball hitting concrete surface suddenly hits his ears. He looks up to see a bunch of students running on basketball field. They transfer the ball to each other, playing the game happily. The lunch break has not end so seeing some students playing there is not a rarity.
Donghyun’s eyes follow the ball almost like being hypnotized. From this player to another student. Shoot. Miss. Shoot. Miss. He discards his book to the seat beside him, focusing entirely at the game. Or the player.
That one player.
The one that has Donghyun’s whole attention and whole heart.
Choi Sungyoon. The honorary athlete of the school. One of the members of the GOLDEN CHILD, their school’s baseball club.
Donghyun does not even know why he likes the older student. He is not Donghyun’s type. His ideal type suits Joochan (Sungyoon’s friend) more than Sungyoon.
Sungyoon has this scary aura around him and when he stays still his face shows an expression like he was being angry. However, he is just a little ball of fluff. He is so friendly despite his scary aura. He has many friends. He is that popular guy that girls cannot help but falling in love with.
He can wreck the school just by his single action.
That time when he updated his SNS with a picture of a locket with a line of caption two months ago.
[Will all of you still love me the same if I tell the truth? I am scared]
The next day everyone concluded the same thing. He was dating.
Their opinion also being strengthened by Sungyoon’s little display of always wearing the locket from the picture right after the SNS update. People were convinced that he had his girlfriend’s photo inside it.
The caption also supported the condition. Who would not be scared if someone that had a lot of fan and girls crushing at them, like Sungyoon, suddenly declared that he had a girlfriend? The girls would be broken heart and worse, doing something bad to his girlfriend.
The girls had tried to ask Sungyoon’s close friends for explanation. Once, Jaeseok came to Donghyun’s class to help their teacher put her belongings. The girls bombarded their sunbae with questions about Sungyoon. Jaeseok only laughed and said that the one that Sungyoon liked was maybe among them.
The girls squealed after, pointing themselves to be the lucky one. Donghyun heard that and got upset but did not show it openly. Jaeseok left after he was done, his eyes found Donghyun’s for a split second.
Back on the bleachers, Donghyun still follows the ball’s movement when they play too hard and the ball is thrown far enough to reach the bleachers. The players now looking at the bleachers, at his direction. He feels uncomfortable and tries to cover it by grabbing his book to pretend to read.
He soon hears footsteps and finds Joochan climbs up the stairs to retrieve the ball. Joochan acts as if Donghyun is not there and climbs down the bleachers after he gets the ball. Whether Joochan acts like that because they always see Donghyun on the bleachers when they play or that he does not want to contaminate himself with the likes of Donghyun, Donghyun does not care. He heaves a sigh of relief when Joochan is back on the field and nowhere near him.
When he hears the game is starting again, he steals a glance and startles when he finds Sungyoon is looking at him.
They are meeting each other’s eyes for a while before Sungyoon turns around and continues to play.
Donghyun blames it on his lack of nutrient from his lunch that he loses his mind and pictures Sungyoon smiles at him.
Yes, Sungyoon lifts the corner of his mouth that resembles a smile is no more than his imagination.
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Donghyun prepares the dining table. His mother is busy cooking their breakfast and as a good son, he volunteers to set the table. It is always a must in the Kim household to have the first meal of the day.
Donghyun’s mood is good today. GOLDEN CHILD wins the friendly baseball game in their neighbor village yesterday and the team will be back today. Donghyun can see Sungyoon again after the older were absence from school for some days to get ready for the competition. He cannot wait to see Sungyoon.
His joy however is cut short when he watches the morning broadcast. There was a car crash last night near the entrance gate of their village. The people inside the minibus was found to be already dead when the police and the ambulance came to location. Donghyun’s hold in the plate loosens when he hears the name of the passengers. They are all names that he knows. It is from the students of his school. He listens to the anchor’s voice, saying the names one by one.
He is right.
Choi Sungyoon.
The anchor just said Choi Sungyoon as one of the victims.
Choi Sungyoon is dead.
His plate falls.
He springs from his seat, does not hear what his mother is yelling at him, then runs toward his school.
He keeps running, gaining some audience in the street for he is only wearing his indoor slippers and his uniform is not tucked inside his pants yet.
He keeps running even when he feels his lungs cannot bear it but he forces himself to go.
He arrives at his school, going directly to the school’s hall. He halts when he sees it. Flower stands are placed on the sides of the hall and there in the stage where his headmaster usually stands to deliver his speech, caskets are lined with the portraits of the deceased students in front of them.
He sees Choi Sungyoon’s portrait.
He steps back, walking lifelessly toward the nearest place where he can feel safe.
He goes inside the restroom. After making sure that no one is there other than him, he locks the door.
He leans on the bathroom sink, running his fingers distractedly on its smooth counter. He then brings his fingers to pull at his hair hard. He cannot believe it. He does not want to believe it.
The words keep repeating in his mind.
Choi Sungyoon is dead. It is not real. Choi Sungyoon is dead. It is real.
He glimpses at his reflection in the mirror. He looks horrible. He is covered in sweat, his face is pale with pain-stricken expression, and his hands quiver on his hair. He wants to say something, anything, but no sounds come out. His lips move but he cannot form any words.
He is lost.
His knees give up and he falls to the floor. He wants to scream in agony now. He wants this pain to go away. He wants to cry.
Yet he cannot cry. His eyes dry up completely and the tears do not fall. His body reacts according to his mind.
He wants to cry but he also feels that he does not have the right to.
He has no right to mourn Sungyoon.
He is no one to be overcome with grief.
Sungyoon does not know Donghyun until his last breath.
Donghyun does not know Sungyoon.
They do not know each other.
Donghyun is nobody for Sungyoon.
Who am I to him?
Donghyun comes to his sense when someone pounds at the door, yelling that they need to use the toilet, then Donghyun composes himself and walks toward the door and opens it. The student only glares at him then goes to the stall. Donghyun exits the bathroom to find Jaeseok standing across the corridor.
Jaeseok is distributing the black ribbon for the funeral to the students. Donghyun walks past him but stops when suddenly Jaeseok calls his name. Jaeseok thrusts an envelope with the ribbon inside to Donghyun, saying that everyone can come to the funeral and that includes Donghyun. Donghyun nods. Jaeseok nods back, opens his mouth to say something but decides not to then he pats Donghyun’s left shoulder. He leaves Donghyun after the second pat.
Donghyun goes back to his house. He passes his worried mother at the gate, going straight to his room and locking the door. He places the envelope on the table among his school books. He lies on his bed, closing his eyes and takes a deep breath.
He does not come to the funeral.
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Donghyun lifts the head of his jacket. A tiny drop of water hits his nose. The rain has slowed down, falling lightly, creating a sweet earthy scent when it touches the dry grass.
Petrichor.
He arranges the bouquets of flowers in his hands. Their color is the only bright thing in gloomy atmosphere of the mausoleum. He walks toward the first tomb, sticking one bouquet of lilies on its ceramic surface.
Lee Daeyeol.
He goes to the next tomb, sticking another bouquet of lilies, repeating the same pattern until he covers almost all the tombs on the row.
Bae Seungmin. Son Youngtaek. Lee Jangjun. Choi Bomin. Kim Jibeom. Bong Jaehyun. Hong Joochan.
He stops in front of the last tomb, sticking a bouquet of baby’s breath and a single full bloom red rose on its surface.
Choi Sungyoon.
Donghyun puts his right hand on the glass, looking intensely at the objects inside the tomb. A jar of ash and a family picture. The band of father, mother and two children. Sungyoon is in the middle, holding a gold trophy while smiling proudly at the camera. The rest of the family radiate his joy.
The happiness that seems so far away after the loss.
Donghyun swallows back his urge to cry. It has been a month since Sungyoon’s death and he never cried. He still is no one to Sungyoon. He does not have the right to mourn him and he will not break it now.
He straightens his body, lowering his hand to his side, then clears his throat. This is his first time visiting Sungyoon and he has to do one thing. To say his farewell. His mother thinks it is time to move again.
How are you, sunbae-nim? My name is Kim Donghyun, from class 2-2. I am sure you don’t know me. We had never talked before. I am just…
I like you.
I miss you till I feel I want to die. I…
I am sorry I only come now. I am a coward.
Why did you die? Why? Why?
Donghyun brings his hands to his chest, willing the pain to stop. Those pent up emotion really kill him. He can only say it out loud in his head but fails to deliver them in reality. He wants to say something, even only once, to Sungyoon.
He slowly calms himself, closing both of his eyes, focusing on his breathing. He opens his eyes abruptly when he remembers something.
The ribbon.
He pushes aside his jacket, revealing his uniform. He fishes out the envelope from his shirt’s pocket. For the first time Donghyun realizes, it is so heavy in his hand.
He opens the lid, gropes inside the envelope and takes out the ribbon. However, his hand collides with something and when the ribbon is out, that other thing also slips out and falls in front of him.
Donghyun crouches down to retrieve the object. He gasps when he recognizes what it is.
A locket. Sungyoon’s locket.
He gathers the locket in his hands then opens it. His breath hitched when he sees a familiar face is looking back at him from the photo inside.
A face that he sometimes hate.
A face that makes him ashamed.
A face that is printed and cut perfectly to fit inside the small place.
A face that comes from the viral picture in the internet.
Donghyun sees his own face.
He rises to his feet to look at the smiling Sungyoon inside the family portrait.
He wants to break the glass and asks Sungyoon for explanation.
What is the meaning of this? Does it mean he knew about Donghyun all this time? Does he mean that he…
[Will all of you still love me the same if I tell the truth? I am scared]
Donghyun crashes to the ground.
“You liked me.”
Donghyun cries.
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