Chapter Text
When we fell asleep last night, it was on the couch next to each other. Really, I'm surprised we didn't wake halfway through the evening with painful aches in our necks from the lack of space. It was the first time I'd ever let my guard down so much, around anyone, except maybe Jun, and even with him, I was still hesitant.
My eyelids fluttered open moments before dawn, and I glanced down, at the head that had slipped onto my shoulder during the night. I recoiled, pulling myself over the arm of the couch in surprise. No, it was too close, far too close. Unwanted tears welled. Both of us, so vulnerable, baring our open wounds to each other.
I was disgusted.
The very thing I had fought with her about, and with another instance of the same man, it was like a mirror, and I wanted to shatter it into a million pieces.
I was standing over the couch, staring down at the too-tall figure scrunched up on one side. A tear fell, landing squarely on the edge of one grey sleeve, and I turned away, wanting suddenly to just stop existing. How could I do this?
"I feel nothing" had been a lie. The truth was that I felt too much. I was always in a constant turmoil of feeling, from the ever-present self-loathing to hope that someday I might not be so despondent, from fear of the position I'd put myself into, to relief I'd found a companion in my confusion. I went through a hundred emotions every minute, all too fleeting to pin down. I was overwhelmed, consumed by feeling, and yet the only mirror here was not just my lookalike of a different name, but this grim man who had once been my enemy, and was now...something else.
What was he? What was he to me?
I could not say.