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1.
Her name was Yuu, and they had been on the playground together.
She was the girl that no one wanted to play with, everyone said that she said strange things that either confused or hurt them. Even Himari, friendly, peppy Himari, had kind of given up on the girl and left her to her own devices.
It was sad to see, Tomoe thought, it must be awfully lonely to always have to play by herself. If the others didn’t want to play with her, then she would.
Even at that age, Tomoe had the ability to tell when something was wrong, when someone was about to cry, when someone wasn’t being honest with their feelings. And the moment Yuu greeted her with an enthusiastic grin, waving her over to join in on her game, Tomoe felt it. That squeezing, crawling feeling in her gut.
“I’m playing with my big brother!” Yuu said energetically, “But you can’t see him. He says it’s because you’re too stupid to.”
There it was, those strange, hurtful words. But Tomoe could not feel any malice behind those words, they felt empty, like a plastic copy; it was achingly familiar.
It was like… like Ran, when she sometimes barked something horrible at them when they messed up, and her tone changed as if she wasn’t even Ran anymore. They learned that she’d only been repeating words she had heard her father say, words that she sometimes did not even remember saying. Was Yuu’s brother very mean to her?
“What are we playing?” Tomoe had asked, forcing a big smile.
The smile Yuu returned was finally genuine, and they spent the entire day pretending to play catch with Yuu’s invisible brother. The rules were strange and Tomoe always seemed to lose, but she hardly minded - back home, Ako had that similar quirk of making up games and rules that she always won. As long as they were happy, Tomoe didn’t generally mind losing.
At the end of the day, when her mother came calling for her to get home for dinner, Yuu had grabbed on to her hand.
“Thank you,” she had mumbled, looking at the ground, “for playing with me.”
“It was really fun,” Tomoe grinned, “Let’s play again tomorrow.”
Suddenly, Yuu threw her arms around Tomoe’s neck, nearly knocking her off her feet.
“Thank you,” she whispered again, her voice trembling, breath warm against Tomoe’s shoulder. “If Tomoe-chan were a boy, I’d be in love with her already.”
2.
Her name was Megumu, and they were in the same class in elementary school.
Tomoe had been lucky, she and her four best friends were all in the same class together. They were never alone, spending a large part of each day as a giant group of five. However, because they were five, it meant that whenever they needed to pair up for games or projects, one of them would be left out.
Usually, Tomoe or Himari volunteered, since they were both most likely to get along with anyone. Moca’s “my pace” style of doing things could and would frustrate many people, Ran came off as cold and uninterested even if she wasn’t, and they just could not force shy, nervous Tsugumi to spend hours talking to someone new.
This time, it was Tomoe’s turn, and she was paired with a quiet girl called Chida Megumu for a little drama activity. They would spend a week rehearsing one of three skits, and perform it at the start of the next week.
For some reason, they had picked a romantic script, Romeo & Juliet, if Tomoe remembered correctly, and she was supposed to be Romeo. It could have been because, with her height and short hair and relative physical prowess, she was more like a prince than a princess…
Regardless, they worked together very hard on the project, Tomoe encouraging and helping Megumu through every crisis of low self-confidence. She had held the other girl’s hand as she cried and panicked over being unable to remember lines, spent hours after school at her house practicing, and even brought her cookies from the nearby bakery for good luck the night before their performance.
It was a success, of course, Tomoe’s rendition of the heartbroken Romeo swaying the hearts of most of her classmates. And when the audience broke into thunderous applause, Megumu had flung her arms around Tomoe’s neck in joyous gratitude.
“Tomoe-chan was amazing!” She had smiled, “It’s a good thing she isn’t a boy.”
“Eh?”
“If Tomoe-chan were a boy, I would be in love with her.”
3.
Her name was Hazuki, and she was a junior in elementary school, two years younger.
It was their last year of elementary, and they were enjoying the stresses and joys of being at the cusp of a transition in their lives. It was rather frightening to think that they might not get into the same middle school, but they decided to just firmly believe that they would. They studied together to make sure no one would be left behind, thinking that if they all knew the same things, they would get the same scores and go to the same school.
During that busy time period, Hazuki had appeared out of nowhere. A transfer student who had grown up in Germany, her Japanese was shaky and her kanji was atrocious. For some reason, she decided to attach herself to Tomoe, insistently calling her “my prince” and grabbing onto her arm whenever she could.
While it started off as strange but endearing, it quickly became annoying. Hazuki would whine about Tomoe studying too long, clinging on to her arm when the five of them headed over to Himari’s to study, and she almost literally needed to be pried off at the gate so they could focus on their work. Ran didn’t quite seem to like her, either, giving her dirty, sidelong glances that Tomoe couldn’t really read, but Moca seemed to understand.
“Ra~n, stop glaring at Hazuki-chan like that,” Moca liked to tease, and Ran would turn a really weird shade of red and look away.
However, Tomoe was too soft-hearted to turn Hazuki away. She was lonely, she struggled with Japanese and many people laughed at her German accent; how could she just abandon her? So every single day for five months, she endured Hazuki’s advances, all the while hoping that she would quickly find friends of her own age to spend time with.
Before that happened, however, Hazuki suddenly was due to move away again - her father’s job demanded him move back to Germany immediately, and she had barely three days’ notice to pack up and leave Japan.
On that last day, eyes overflowing with tears, Hazuki had wrapped her arms around Tomoe’s middle and said, “I’ll miss you, Tomo-nee.”
Hazuki liked calling her that, because Tomo meant friend - maybe that was why she had singled Tomoe out.
“I’ll miss you too,” Tomoe had ruffled her hair, “Travel safely, Hazuki-chan.”
Looking up, Hazuki sniffed, “If Tomo-nee were a boy, I would be in love with her.”
4.
Her name was Nao, and she was a pretty, mature Class Committee Member, the girl almost all the boys liked.
By the first year of middle school, Tomoe was already well-known and well-liked all over her hometown. Every store owner in the shopping street knew her name, she’d helped out at all sorts of events, and she was a favorite amongst teachers and Class Committee members alike. So many people were asking her for help, people had taken to calling her the “Udagawa Shrine”. Make a wish, and she would grant it - rumor had it that she had a better track record than most deities.
It was shortly after their Class Committee was established when Nao had approached her for help in organizing a contest or vote of some sort to create a class flag for the annual Sports Meet. Tomoe didn’t really mind, though she was a little worried about Ran being miserable about them being in different classes, she decided to try and help out.
For days, she juggled trying to pry through Ran’s cold exterior while helping the Committee and taking care of Ako, who was devastated that she was no longer in the same school as her precious elder sister. It was difficult, but Tomoe was never one to complain about hardship.
Once the flag was decided, with a sizable amount of difficulty since some girls had chosen to make things as complicated as possible by complaining about everything yet refusing to contribute, Nao had collapsed with relief.
“I’m so glad that you’re here, Udagawa-san,” she had said.
“I was just trying to help, Okuda-san,” she replied, flustered by the praise.
“You know, if Udagawa-san were a boy, I’d be in love with her.”
5.
Tomoe realized she liked girls just a few days before her 14th birthday, though she kept that fact to herself. Every single time a girl smiled at her and said she’d love her if she were a boy, Tomoe found her heart plummeting to her stomach. What was wrong with her? Why did she have to be a boy to be lovable?
It was a heavy burden to bear, but one that Tomoe couldn’t share with anyone. On the surface, she remained her normal self, listening to everyone’s problems and being the perfect big sister, but on the inside, she found herself crumbling.
For a moment, she’d had a huge crush on Saaya, the baker’s daughter, who made her stomach flutter when she baked her special breads and cakes and strived to find something new that would blow Tomoe away. Raspberry-filled vanilla cupcakes, chocolate fudge cake topped with fresh fruits, ham-and-cheese stuffed bread; it was as if Saaya were a housewife trying to impress her hungry husband.
She quelled it, of course she did, because she really did not want to hear Saaya say those dreaded words to her. It was better not to feel, it was better to just be content with her friendships and pretend to be normal.
Her friends would never say those things to her, or that was what she believed until Himari broke it all down.
Himari was never the kind of girl to be easily daunted, and her sunny personality was never dulled for long. That was why Tomoe was horribly worried when her friend skipped class and was missing from home.
She found her in the playground where they used to run together as kids, crying under the climbing frame alone in the autumn wind. Concerned, Tomoe had crawled in after her, shucking off her jacket and giving her a tight hug.
Patiently, she listened as Himari hiccupped and sobbed out what was bothering her - she wasn’t too good at studying, and she was concerned she wouldn’t make it to the same high school as everyone else. She was lagging behind in Math, Science and English, and if she didn’t pick up the pace, the rest of Afterglow would be moving on to high school without her.
As the sun began to set, Himari snuggled up to Tomoe’s side and said, “Hey, Tomoe, thanks for listening to me.”
“If Tomoe were a boy, I would love her so much I wouldn’t let her go.”
+1
She’d had a crush on Ran for a while now, not that she would ever act on it. It was too risky, she didn’t want to lose their friendship and the band. Afterglow was important to Ran, to them all, and she couldn’t possibly be selfish and risk throwing it all away for the slim chance that Ran liked girls, liked her, too.
Ran would probably just say the same thing everyone else did, anyway.
Right now, walking back home alone with Ran in the sunset, it felt like the perfect time for the main character to confess to his lover and for the story move on to happily ever after. But Tomoe wasn't a main character, wasn’t a boy, and she definitely would not be getting the girl.
That Afterglow wasn’t going to be disbanded, that they did well in the Girl Jam, was the happiest ending she could ever ask for. She was satisfied, she just had to be.
“Hey… Tomoe?”
Tomoe tilted her head to one side, “Yeah?”
Ran looked away, probably struggling to find the right words for her feelings. Unless she was singing, she found it difficult to express herself, and Tomoe honestly found it rather cute.
“You can tell me anything, you know,” she said softly, looking away to help ease the pressure on Ran’s shoulders. “I can keep secrets.”
“I know that,” Ran smiled faintly, “Tomoe, you probably have more secrets than the federal government.”
Tomoe laughed; girls did seem to like seeking her out to empty their hearts. On top of the “Udagawa Shrine”, she was now the “Udagawa Church”, a moving confession hall for people to pour out their sins.
“If I…” Ran swallowed, “What should I do if I like somebody, but I don’t know how they feel about me?”
Tomoe felt her heart fall into her stomach, and she swallowed thickly, “Well, how do they treat you?”
Gosh, her crush was going to ask her advice on how to get a boy. Great, she might as well stab herself right now, it would probably hurt less.
“Well…” Ran turned a brilliant shade of red, the same color as Tomoe’s hair. “They’re kind and always listening to me, they stay by my side and never give up on me…”
“That sounds like they like you,” Tomoe’s smile was strained.
“But they do that for everyone,” Ran admitted, looking insecure, “I’m probably not special…”
“Well, I don’t think there’s any harm in trying,” she said lightly, trying to pretend her heart wasn’t twisting itself in knots. “If they really care about you, they won’t leave you even if your feelings are one-sided.”
Ran looked thoughtful, and for a long moment, silence enveloped them. Tomoe wondered if she had given the right advice, if she would be able to take seeing the person she liked with someone else, if Ran would slowly pull away from Afterglow to spend time with this boy. It would break her heart, but if that made Ran happy, wouldn’t it be worth it?
“Tomoe?”
“Yeah?”
“I… I like you.”
Tomoe’s heart squeezed painfully in her throat - why was the world being so cruel to her? Laughing, she said, “I like you too, Ran.”
“N-no!” Ran crossed her arms, frustrated, “Not… not like that.”
Hope rose in Tomoe’s chest as she asked, “Then, what kind of like is it?”
Ran stopped, and so did she.
“Like… like the way all those girls would, if Tomoe were a boy.”
She could hardly believe what she was hearing, it felt as if she had swapped a few words around to hear what she wanted to instead of what was really said. She needed to clarify, she needed to know if she was dreaming, so she asked, “Eh?”
“Idiot,” Ran huffed, her fingers digging into the folds of her jacket. It was hard for her to say, whatever it was, but then again Ran found most emotional things hard to say.
Taking a deep breath, she said, “I’m in love with you, Tomoe.”