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Daichi really valued Hibiki’s friendship. He actually valued it so much he continuously reminded Hibiki how much it meant to him.
It was the smallest of actions that could make him feel secure. From the smile Hibiki flashed him, to the way they locked arms when they talked next to each other at the back of class. If Daichi felt a little more daring than normal, he would allow his fingers to intertwine with Hibiki’s in secret and try his best to not initiate eye-contact.
It was so simple to know what this feeling was after so many years of great friendship, but it was not something Daichi could admit to as he was right now. It was something he planned on hiding until he was qualified. He really wanted Hibiki to feel the same way in his presence- to feel safe and wanted. Daichi thought if he could become more assertive, a little less stupid, and a lot better looking, he could perhaps tell Hibiki things he normally could not. Things that would praise different qualities other than the title of best friend. Such as, his patience, his charm, and the fact he tolerated spending an eternity with someone like Daichi.
Saying “best friend” was currently his only way of getting any of these feelings across. It was an all-encompassing phrase that covered all grounds. Yet, it was also extremely dissatisfying to use it because it did not mean the same thing anymore. Not to him, anyways.
Hibiki was clueless for all Daichi knew. Daichi suspected he was about as discreet at hiding his intentions as a black dot on a white canvas, because Hibiki only placed his hands on him more when he was caught staring. He never took it to heart, and recognized it for what it had to be.
Teasing.
Teasing between best friends.
No matter how loudly he wanted to profess his feelings -and he could easily be very loud- he never found the courage. Even if he managed to take a hold of Hibiki’s hand to pull him in for a hug, he barely had two words to rub together, and he needed three. The most he could say during times where he’d rather open up about his feelings were nothing short of “You’re my best friend, y’know?”.
As things looked right now, that was all that he managed to say without sounding pathetic.
And even then, it often came across as pathetic.
If he was just a little better at studying, a little better looking, knew how to smooth-talk his way around any topic, and become a completely different person entirely, maybe then he could actually tell Hibiki exactly how much he cared for him without feeling ashamed of himself for wanting to be his boyfriend.
It was fun to imagine how things would play out if he dared ask for a kiss, even if he knew fully that he would never manage to beg for it out loud. Words were unnecessary when he knew how he wanted to express himself. Daichi had this idea that they would somehow lean close enough for it to happen naturally, and that the both of them wanted the same thing. In his fantasy, the feelings he had for Hibiki were mutual, and it was something he found himself thinking about a lot. Daichi imagined them talking for a bit, laughing while playing a video-game together, all up until a certain point, where his fantasy seemed to tell him to move his arms over Hibiki’s back to pull him up in his lap so he could leave bruises all over his neck.
That was usually when Daichi stopped thinking about having intercourse with his best friend.
At least, that was what he forced himself to do when they were in public, and Hibiki was snapping his fingers in front of his face to catch his attention. Daichi would pretend to have heard everything Hibiki said, only to slip back into fantasy five minutes later. It was a pastime he did a lot to psyche himself up, even if Hibiki noticed his friend was staring into nothingness for a stretched period of time.
The true ordeal came when he needed to finish studying for their upcoming chemistry exam. Chemistry was always his Achilles heel. So was math, and biology, and English, and practically anything else besides Japanese. He was not bad at all the subjects, not equally at least, but he did not excel at anything like Hibiki did. Once it was all explained, he understood the logic. The problem was not understanding the methods, but remembering the information. Whenever he pointed this out, Hibiki would tell him that strength could not be measured by little numbers on a white sheet of paper. While it was intended to be a compliment not to take the test results to heart, it did not help his confidence to know Hibiki could not point to any of his grades and confirm that he had the pride to be very good in at least one subject.
He was average.
Nothing but average.
At just about everything.
Despite all his shortcomings, Hibiki never tore into him and demanded he do better. He genuinely had a lot more patience with him than any of their teachers ever had during their childhood, and if there was one thing Daichi wished for, it was to pay Hibiki back for all the good things he had done for him.
Asking for a deeper relationship might have been another selfish wish. It was something Daichi wanted, but he was not sure if Hibiki felt the same, or if he already had someone. Compulsive thoughts about how he wanted to kiss his best friend were frequent because he was always so close to Hibiki on a daily basis. Putting any sort of distance between them would unmistakably look forced. It was also something he’d rather not do because Hibiki meant the world to him.
It was hard to commit to something. Daichi could never imagine dedicating ten hours of his time to a single job every day, and come out of it feeling fulfilled. He could also not imagine being so passionate and dedicated to a hobby that it downright consumed him whenever he had the chance. Committing to his studies or to better himself was just not something that came easily.
Hibiki, however, was something Daichi could commit to fully without thinking twice about it.
“I don’t know if I’m the one taking the exam or if it’s the exam that’s taking me.” He sighed when he thought about his answers on the test and decided not to bother. “C’mon, man. Let’s go home.” Daichi brought up a small compact umbrella from his shoulder-bag, and unfolded it to shield him from the rain.
“I… don’t have my umbrella with me.” Hibiki hesitated to speak up, but he could not leave without getting drenched like this. Daichi shot him a curious look that lasted somewhere around five seconds before speaking up.
“Oh, well, I guess it can’t be helped. Good luck sleeping in the library, bye!” He walked down the stairs into the rain, but turned back after just a couple of steps so he could lean in close and poke Hibiki’s side.
“Just kidding.” Daichi held his umbrella over Hibiki’s head and smiled brightly. “Did you think I was just going to leave my best friend out here?” Hibiki chuckled and reached out for the umbrella a little too freely compared to what Daichi was prepared for. When their hands touched, Daichi nearly let go of the handle.
“No,” Hibiki stepped close to his side to take cover under the umbrella. “- but I wouldn’t blame you.”
It was hard to describe the feeling he got whenever Hibiki touched his hand, or leaned his head on his shoulder, and it was impossible to say exactly why making Hibiki smile filled him with more pride than any perfect exam scores ever could. From the way Hibiki tapped his fingers at his shoulder to catch his attention, to the way he rubbed his cheek against him and looked about ready to fall asleep at his side. Daichi often got tasked with waking Hibiki up in case he dozed off at the subway; something he’d always feel conflicted doing when his best friend looked so at peace with the world. Sometimes, he’d lean his head against Hibiki’s and hope both of them were asleep by the time they reached their station.
Daichi tried to come up with a good way to express himself, but by the time they reached Hibiki’s house, time was up. A normal goodbye was usually a pat on the back, a wave, a handshake, or a squeeze of his shoulder, but hugging was not something they did in public. That was why Hibiki staggered when Daichi lowered the umbrella slightly to wrap his free arm around him. Daichi swallowed hard, and mindlessly closed his eyes before breathing out a small sigh of relief when Hibiki’s arms came to rest around his middle. He liked how Hibiki’s hands would slide under the fabric of his open jacket rather than over it, and how his slow and warm breath ghosted over his skin. If there was a word he could use to describe how content he felt with his best friend, he would use it exclusively for Hibiki, but there was no specific word that encompassed all his feelings in one- no word he could use to tell Hibiki he loved him.
“U-um hey, Hibiki…” But he was still going to try. No matter how much he stuttered, changed topic, or bit his tongue from talking too fast, he was going to try at least once and tell Hibiki his true feelings.
“What is it?”
“There’s…” Something he needed to tell him. Something he desperately craved an answer to, but the words were heavy and made his chest feel tight. There was not a doubt in his mind that Hibiki deserved more than some coward- some nobody who could not measure up to his standards. Try harder, he told himself, again and again until something works. No matter how badly he wanted to be by Hibiki’s side to help him, he figured that there was nothing he could do for him at his current skill level.
Why would someone who was practically perfect need or desire someone like him?
Why would you want me when you don’t need me?
“...this new RPG coming out. Do you want to come play it at my place tomorrow?” Hibiki took no time replying as Daichi did asking the question.
“Sure, sounds like fun.” Daichi was glad Hibiki could not see his eyebrows furrow with disappointment at his own cowardice. All the insults his friends tossed around only became a self fulfilling prophecy. In the end, they were all right about him.
“Great,” His expression softened when he leaned his cheek against Hibiki’s. “That’s… great.” This was not unlike anything they did behind closed doors, but doing it out in the open was a different story. He ran his hand up Hibiki’s back to hold him closer. His grip on the umbrella was slipping, until it finally fell to the ground with a dull clank. Hibiki tightened his arms around Daichi when he showed no sign of moving from the spot, and Daichi could not thank him enough for returning the hug. If he did not know better, he’d almost say Hibiki sounded amused by his affection.
“I meant what I said.” Hibiki held his palm upright to capture the thin droplets of rain still falling from the sky. The wind carried the water to his side, but they were otherwise under pretty good cover from the cold. Daichi pulled away only far enough to look at Hibiki, his arms still wrapped around his waist.
“Are you testing my attention span? That’s not nice.” The joke completely flew over Hibiki’s head. What he actually wanted to ask was what in God’s name Hibiki was talking about.
“I guess I’m just thinking out loud. I… haven’t been that nice to you.” Daichi chuckled, but turned eerily silent when he noticed Hibiki’s stern expression. There was something very wrong in the universe when Hibiki was saying ridiculous things like this. He started feeling even more concerned when Hibiki looked lost as their eyes met.
“Hibiki, what are you talking about?” Hibiki never had a problem looking people in the eye. Daichi assumed this was a trait that came with confidence, but Hibiki was consistently dodging his gaze and keeping his voice hushed compared to the downpour of rain. They had the luck to be partly shielded by the roof, but the noise was overwhelming. What Hibiki was bracing himself to confess was something that caught Daichi off guard, and he had no words to describe what he was feeling at the end of their exchange.
“I made fun of you behind your back at times. Even if it was awhile ago, it’s still inexcusable.” He was not going to pretend it did not hurt to hear Hibiki confess something like this, but he was also not going to pretend he was surprised. His arms relaxed around Hibiki’s waist, but remained in place despite the news.
“Well, I’m not exactly providing a shortage of reasons to mock me, haha...”
“Harsh.” Hibiki mumbled, his expression looking evermore conflicted. “Why are you okay with this?”
“Why? B-Because, um…” Daichi wanted to just pour his heart out, but doing it now during this gloomy mood was not the best idea. “I’ve known you my whole life… It’s kind of impossible for me not to imagine you as my best friend.”
“Don’t you think you deserve more, though?” Hearing Hibiki voice those thoughts out loud was almost something like a dream.
“Haha, that’s… not actually funny. I don’t know why I’m laughing.” It did not fit Hibiki to say it. Hibiki was not the one who had to ask his best friend for notes. Hibiki was not the one who vented for maybe an hour about the same problems again and again expecting different results. Hibiki was not like him. Hearing him pose that question felt so surreal.
“Daichi, what I did was wrong.” It might have been, but Daichi could not find it in himself to be upset with Hibiki. For all he knew, Hibiki and everyone else had a point. There was a reason he was the punching bag, and it was because of his shortcomings. He was already aware that it was his own fault people were making fun of him, but he always hoped Hibiki would be above it. Even if he hoped this to be true, at the back of his mind, he always knew that Hibiki could never really love him. That was the part that hurt the most, and the reason his responses were so delayed.
It doesn’t matter.
“So? We’ve all messed up a bit. I mean, I broke your favorite cd when we were little. See? We’ve all messed up.”
“Daichi, you can’t compare what I said to- you did what? Nevermind, not important,” Hibiki had trouble remembering the incident, but he did remember Daichi feeling guilty about it. The CD was an easily replaceable material object. It could not compare to something this personal, but Hibiki struggled to present his argument. His irritation with Daichi’s kindness was only becoming more evident by the second. He wanted to ask why Daichi was still hugging him, and why he was even talking to someone who confessed to mocking him behind his back, but he never got that far before Daichi interrupted his thoughts.
You’re still my best friend.
“You’re important to me.” Hibiki seemed somewhat taken aback by his statement, and turned his head to stare off into nothingness. He raised the back of his palm to cover his lips as if he was stifling a cough, and cleared his throat. A faint rosy tint colored his pale cheeks, and Daichi could tell he was making an effort to hide it without it seeming obvious.
“People don’t talk like that, Daichi…” When Hibiki found the confidence within himself to look up briefly, he saw nothing but a smile on Daichi’s face. He was really going to forgive him. It made Hibiki’s chest feel tighter. “-I’m sorry.” The fact Daichi was trying to laugh it off only made it even more unbearable. Hibiki let his hands rest at Daichi’s upper arms before moving them over his shoulders, eyes now fixed on the floor. Daichi told himself he could get over it; that it was no problem.
“Oh well, it’s all in the past now.” Yet, the knowledge that Hibiki enjoyed making fun of him helped him refrain from confessing. He could feel Hibiki tense up as he rubbed his upper-arm to calm him down. Even a friendly touch was met with a small glint of rejection.
“...And this is?”
“Come on, we do it in private all the time. Why is now any different?” Rejection was all he thought it could be, but Hibiki’s sullen expression hinted otherwise.
“Even after something like this?” This was nothing compared to what Hibiki was making it out to be, and it was something Daichi could forgive with ease because he could tell Hibiki regretted it.
“Geez, if I can let it go, why can’t you?”
“Do you really think I deserve it?” There was more than enough reasons for Daichi to forgive Hibiki, but a boring answer had never helped him in the past, and it was definitely not helping him now. That left him with only one option.
“Alright. You win. From this day on, we are no longer friends.” Daichi was aware Hibiki knew that he was joking, but it almost looked as if he took it seriously. He looked hurt, worried, and his voice was starting to waver similarly to his own when he was nervous.
“...What?”
“Is that what you want me to say? Too bad! You’re stuck with me for the rest of your life, buddy!” His hold on Hibiki tightened, and he nuzzled his neck with a chuckle.
“Good thing I already love ya, or I might have actually meant what I said, haha!” There was a small pause before Daichi could feel Hibiki’s fingers claw around his uniform tightly.
“I love you too,”
“There you g- w-wait what?” Hibiki never replied when he asked him to repeat himself. All that was left of their exchange was the downpour of rain, and the trickling of water running through the drains. Not knowing whether Hibiki meant it the same way was a little disappointing, but there was an easy way to find out; a way that Daichi was willing to risk based on what he heard Hibiki mumble just a few seconds prior.
“Hey, Hibiki, can I… take you out sometime?” Hibiki’s fingers relaxed around the fabric, and he turned his cheek slightly.
“What do you mean?”
“Out? Um… outside? There’s clouds outside. Some rain. Yep, definitely some rain.” Hibiki smiled, and leaned his head against Daichi’s.
“Yeah,” He closed his eyes and softly intertwined his fingers at the small of Daichi’s back. “-yeah, sure you can,” It was not exactly how Daichi imagined himself asking Hibiki out, but he was glad that it happened, regardless. There was not enough courage in him to confess, but there was just about enough for him to press his lips against Hibiki’s neck. The feathery touch barely brushed skin, and he wondered if Hibiki could feel him smile as he kissed him.
“Daichi, I’ll make it up to you.” Daichi closed his eyes, and sighed. He did not doubt Hibiki for a second.
“I know, I know,”
You always do.