Work Text:
Author: panicparade (bloodisshrp)
Prompt Number: 30
Title: Iridescent
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco
Summary: They've been together for seven years now and married for four of them, so when Harry finds out he's going to be a father he couldn't be more ecstatic. But something is troubling Draco and Harry can only hope his husband can confide in him before it get's too much to handle.
Rating: PG 13
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended.
Warning(s):Mpreg, past miscarriage
Epilogue compliant? Nope
Word Count: 7164
Author's Notes: This started out as 15,000+ words of angst till I remembered it's a familyfest! I don't know how well I succeeded in making it less angsty but I tried. Seriously. Loads of hugs to kc who helped me whip this thing into shape and didn't let the commas eat me alive.
...
When asked, neither Harry nor Draco could pinpoint the exact moment when they could say that, yeah, that’s when we moved from being acquaintances (Not friends. At least not then, like everything else; they could never do anything the proper way) with benefits to being in a relationship. Though if pushed, both of them would probably say it was the moment when they’d decided to move from something casual to being exclusive, mostly ‘cause Harry didn’t like the feeling he got in his chest when he heard about Draco and that sixth year Ravenclaw. They’d been sleeping with each other since fifth year when they’d been stuck together in detention for Filch, and somewhere within the hour they’d gone from hurtling insults at each other to making out.
So they went from casual sex (between, before & after classes; Draco even tried once during class, but Harry managed to stop in time) to casual sex only with each other. And that slowly changed to doing other things together, like studying or going to Hogsmeade or sitting together in the Great Hall. So yeah, there wasn’t one such moment when they became boyfriends, but they could tell you the moment they became best friends.
For Draco, it was the moment when the first person he wanted to see after a trip back home was Harry; not only because he missed him, ‘cause he did, but because he needed to talk to someone about how his father thought it was time he take the Dark Mark and how he didn’t want to. For Harry it was the moment when he realized that for the month following Sirius’s death he’d only wanted to be with Draco.
And just as they’d started getting used to thinking of each other as Harry and Draco, exchanging letters every day during the summer holidays, Draco stopped writing. Harry had gone crazy with worry, imagining the worst, when he’d gotten a letter from Professor Dumbledore informing him of his visit. At the end of the letter was a single line, He’s fine Harry. You’ll be seeing him soon.
That single line was what had carried Harry for the rest of the summer, while he’d battled the increasing feeling of restlessness over doing nothing while Voldemort was out there and the weight of the prophecy was pressing on him. The last person Harry expected to see at The Burrow was Draco, standing behind all the Weaselys as they greeted him, and getting over his moment of surprise, Harry had hugged him tight, not caring that this was probably the first time most of his extended family found out who his elusive boyfriend was.
It had been during that summer that Draco had truly turned over to the light side, leaving his family for good, or at least until his parents came to their senses and realized that nothing good was going to come out of following a mad man who didn’t care who he killed or tortured.
***
When the time came at the end of their sixth year for Harry to decide the time to sit back and wait for Voldemort to attack was gone, that it was time to take the first step and hit Voldemort while he wasn’t expecting it, he was faced with the toughest conversation he had to go through – telling Draco that only Ron and Hermione would be accompanying him.
Draco had known from the start that Harry would never sit back and wait for Voldemort to come to him; his boyfriend was a Gryffindor through and through so there had always been no other way for the confrontation to happen but for Harry to go to Voldemort. What he hadn’t expected was being told to wait behind.
They’d fought about it, or at least Draco had tried to fight, but no matter how much he’d pleaded with Harry to let him also go with them, Harry hadn’t budged. Even when Draco had threatened to break up with him, Harry had refused.
When Harry, Ron and Hermione had disappeared in the middle of Bill’s and Fleurs’ wedding after Kinglsey’s patronus came, Draco knew he wouldn’t be seeing Harry again for a very long time.
This was why he’d drawn his wand at Harry when he’d entered his room at Grimmauld place one night, six months after he’d last seen his boyfriend at the wedding, to find him lounging on his bed looking tired and thinner than before.
“Hello to you, too,” Harry had drawled, smiling widely.
Draco had wanted to do nothing more than jump onto the bed, but he couldn’t just forget they were in the middle of a war.
“What did I name the stuffed dragon I got for my fourth birthday?” Draco asked, wand held tightly in his hand.
Harry hadn’t moved from his position on the bed, nonchalantly rolling his wand between his fingers as he’d replied, “Thatcher, which, by the way, was a really stupid name for a drago – oof!”
Draco hadn’t given him a chance to say another word as he’d jumped onto the boy he loved and hadn’t seen in months.
It was only as they lay in bed later, clothes thrown around the room and silencing charms intact because Draco wasn’t letting anyone disturb them anytime soon, that Harry had said, “I thought you had broken up with me.”
Draco had scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Think of this as break up sex. I’ve heard it’s awesome.”
There had been so many things Draco had wanted to say to Harry, but he’d stopped himself; they’d gone over this before and the last thing he wanted was to spend the few precious hours he had with Harry arguing. So he’d kept quiet and made sure Harry wasn’t in a state to mind to hold a conversation, too.
When Draco had woken up the next morning, he’d been alone.
***
It had taken a month after Harry’s visit for him to realize that maybe he wasn’t well. He’d ignored the tiredness for something he’d just learn to deal with; he was out the entire day, helping families attacked by Death Eaters and gathering intel for the Order. It was only when the nausea had started that Draco had decided it was time to find out what was wrong with him.
The answer should have been obvious from the start, but every time he reached another dead end, he’d ignore it and start looking for other answers. When three weeks later he’d found nothing else to explain his symptoms, Draco had had no option other than accept the truth. He was pregnant.
A month later the Great Battle took place at Hogwarts.
He’d told no one, mostly because he didn’t want the sympathy and pity of those around him for having to do this without Harry, but not only would they have made him stay at home and stop all field missions, chances were that news about this would have reached Harry. And the last thing Harry needed right now was a distraction. So Draco kept quiet, making sure to take anti-nausea potions and make sure no one suspected anything. When he’d heard Harry was at Hogwarts, he hadn’t stopped for a minute and had rushed out to battle; not to fight, because no matter how badly he wanted to be at Harry’s side during the fight, he had another life to think of now, someone who was dependent on Draco to protect him. Draco had only gone to Hogwarts to catch a glimpse of Harry, because how could he not be there if this was the final moment.
That had been the plan and Draco had taken every care to stick to it. What he hadn’t counted on was Hogwarts’s defenses falling and not getting a chance to get to safety. He’d been there in the Great Hall when Pansy had spoken and he would have cursed her then and there, only years of friendship and the fact that Pansy was scared for her life had stopped him.
He had planned to escort the younger students to safety and had been doing that when the hour was up and the battle started. He’d been rushing to get to the Great Hall where he knew most people were assembled and he would be relatively safer when he’d felt the ground shake, and the last thing he’d remembered was seeing the castle fall around him.
Draco had woken up to pain, in his head, his legs, but the scariest of all was the pain in his abdomen. Sitting up had proved impossible; he was pinned underneath a large piece of stone that had fallen when the wall had caved in. Looking for his wand, he’d found it lying a few feet from his hand. The lack of noise in the castle had scared him, but he hadn’t spent time dwelling on it; all that had been important then had been to get out from under the rubble and access the damage, all the while praying his child was safe.
He didn’t know how long it took him, but using all his knowledge of wandless magic, Draco had managed to pull his wand close enough to stretch out and grab it. Removing the rubble was then easy, but what had not been was making himself move. Healing magic had never been his strong suit and he could tell from the pain he’d broken a few crucial bones, but the fear for his child had made him grit his teeth and sit up as best as he could, trying not to groan in pain and alert any death eater of his position. But the pain overcame his will before he could sit up and he let it overtake him, welcoming the blackness that was overtaking his vision.
He’d woken up in some ward at St. Mungo’s, clean and relatively pain free, but he could feel the after effects of Skele Gro throughout his body. He’d stayed in the ward for a week, passing in and out of consciousness; speaking only twice during his stay.
The first was when the Healer came by on rounds while he was awake and he’d asked, “My baby?” The shake of the Healer’s head had been enough to make him start crying and he hadn’t stopped till they’d had to sedate him.
The second time he’d spoken was when he’d asked for Harry, finally conscious enough for the events leading to his injuries coming back to him. At first they didn’t tell him anything about Harry, apparently the boy who lived was in demand as everyone wanted to meet him. It was only when Draco had told them who he was that they’d realized they had Draco Malfoy in their care, the boy everyone had been searching for, with none other than Harry Potter urging people to let him know in case anyone had any news.
When the Healer had come back to inform Draco that they’d informed Mr. Potter and he’d be there shortly, Draco had made just one request, Harry must not be told about the baby. While the Healer had looked skeptical, Draco had appealed to her, asking her whether she really wanted the savior’s victory to be marred by such ominous news. For some reason she’d agreed, and when telling Harry about Draco’s health, she only mentioned his broken legs and severe head injury.
It had been hard for Draco to hide it at first when they’d be at Grimmauld Place discussing the future and Harry would bring up talk about finally having a family, but he would push down that part of his conscience by telling it that Harry had already lost a lot and why make him miss something he didn’t even know existed in the first place.
It had taken a while for everyone to get over the war, which is why they’d decided to take a year off just for themselves before deciding what to do with their lives next. Decisions made before the war had seemed futile, and while Harry was still mildly interested with becoming an Auror, it wasn’t something he would have been happy doing. So they had travelled all over the world, visiting places and just being two people in love, enjoying some time to themselves.
When they’d come back, both of them had had a clear idea of what they wanted to do. Harry accepted the contract from Puddlemere United he’d had lying in his table for months and Draco went back to school to study Potions.
All in all, looking back now Draco could say he’d never imagined his life could turn out this way and he wouldn’t change a thing. They’d been married for almost four years, the war half a decade behind them and his life was perfect with no worries.
‘Til the day he had to go for a routine checkup to St. Mungo’s.
***
Draco had always loved winter. Even as a child, as soon as he would see snowfall, no one, not even his father or Trippy – his favorite house elf, could stop him from running out to play in the snow. But today the usual sparkle in his eyes on seeing the snowflakes was missing. Though he was looking out the window, his mind was on the slightly crumpled paper in his hand, the one he’d clench in his fist subconsciously and then release when he’d realize it.
He honestly can’t say he wasn’t expecting this. The way he and Harry were over each other whenever they have time was kind of a big pointer that something like this would happen. It’s just to say that he was expecting it doesn’t mean he wanted it to happen. Draco sighed and clutched the parchment tighter, as if hoping it would vanish if he made it small enough.
“Dray?”
Draco jumped on hearing Harry calling from their living room. He’d been so busy thinking that he hadn’t even noticed the time pass. He sighed and straightened up from his pose near the window, stuffing the wrinkled parchment in his pocket. Draco turned just in time to see Harry enter the room, his seeker robes halfway off his shoulders.
“Hey.” Draco greeted him with a kiss all the while trying to make sure his voice maintained his usual indifferent tone. Some days being raised to be a perfect example of how a Malfoy should act had its benefits. Harry started telling Draco about an incident involving his coach and the Beaters and Draco breathed a sigh of relief. He wouldn’t tell Harry yet, at least not till he got it confirmed from another Healer. ‘Til then, there was no reason to disrupt their lives.
***
“Draco, are you alright?” Harry asked from the other side of the bathroom door, concern lacing his question.
If he hadn’t been puking his breakfast out, Draco would have definitely rolled his eyes and called Harry an idiot, because did he sound alright?
“No, wait, stupid question, of course you’re not alright! Open the door; we’re going to see a Healer today!” Harry announced, trying the lock on the door again and sighing when it was still locked.
Draco managed to stand up on shaky legs, holding onto the counter for support as he stared at his pale reflection in the mirror. There was no way around it now; he had to go see another Healer today and get the news confirmed.
***
As hard as he tried, Draco couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he watched Harry walk beside him, grinning widely at everyone around them. He was certain that by the time they got home, half the wizarding world would be wondering what’s gotten Harry Potter grinning like a loon.
Even before he could close the door to their room, Harry had his hands on him, gentling turning him around to lean against the door. Before Draco could ask what he was doing, Harry had dropped to his knees and Draco watched him with a smile on his face as he slowly unbuttoned Draco’s shirt and pressed his head against Draco’s still flat stomach.
“Thank you,” Harry whispered against his skin, and Draco could only pray that Harry would think the tears in his eyes were because of happiness. For so many years he hid the truth from his husband, and now it would finally come out when even this baby would leave them because Draco was a selfish man who couldn’t take care of his child.
He pushed his guilt to the back of his mind as Harry stood and guided him towards their bed. For the rest of the night, Draco let go all his internal suffering and just focused on how loved his husband was making him feel. As they were enjoying the silence of each other’s company, Draco turned to Harry and asked, “Can we keep this to ourselves for now? Just until the Healer says everything’s all right?”
Draco knew what he was asking Harry to do was hard, knew how Harry must have been itching to floo all of their friends and family and let them in on their good news. But he also knew that it was hard enough for him to pretend that everything was fine in front of Harry; if he had to go through it with everyone else, too, he wasn’t sure how long he would be able to make it.
When Harry didn’t say anything for a while, Draco looked up to see those green eyes he loved staring at him with nothing but adoration.
"Anything you want, Draco. Anything.”
***
Draco checked the label on the potions bottle again; maybe he wasn’t reading it right. Nope, the label stayed the same: Stretch Skip Potion – stop those stretch marks before they start!
“Harry?” Draco asked, breathing deeply to keep calm because maybe this wasn’t what he was thinking it was.
Harry looked up from the file he was reading. “Yeah?”
“Who is this for?” Draco placed the bottle on the table between them.
Harry carefully placed his file down and replied, “Umm, Ron said it’s really good and there’s no scaring at all!”
Draco took another deep breath. “I’m glad Weasley found it useful, but that didn’t answer my question.”
“He said Hermione loved it!” Harry smiled at his husband, thinking this answer would work; any potion Hermione loved should be something Draco loves, too. There was a reason they got along so well.
Draco mentally counted to five. “I see. So this is for me?”
Harry nodded excitedly; maybe Draco would reward him for being such a thoughtful husband. He was busy thinking of the ways Draco could reward him that the slamming of their bedroom door made him jump.
It took Harry a week of sleeping on the couch for him to realize what he’d done wrong.
***
Harry wasn’t the emotionally oblivious boy he had been all those years ago when he’d had to rush to Hermione for advice each time. If asked, he was proud to say that yes, to a certain extent, he was comfortable discussing his feelings and that talking to someone about it helps a lot. He wished he could say the same about Draco, too.
Not that it was anything that bothered him a lot per say, it’s just sometimes he wished Draco would be a little bit more open with him, be more open to talking about what was troubling him. He wished Draco understood that Harry wasn’t going to run away at any sign of emotional trouble; he was in it with Draco till the end. And yet as he saw Draco read the morning paper with a small smile on his face as he enjoyed the breakfast in bed Harry had served him, Harry could tell there was something bothering Draco and it had been going on for quite some time.
What he didn’t understand was how could he get his Slytherin boyfriend to talk about his feelings?
“You’re staring.”
Harry shook himself out of his reverie to see Draco smiling at him and he leaned forward to give him a quick kiss. “You’re glowing, how can I not stare?”
And there it was the brief flash of something that Draco managed to erase before it could settle on his face. Because God forbid he gave away what he was feeling!
“Draco?” Harry leant against the headboard, shoulder touching Draco’s.
“Hmm…”
“Is everything alright?” he asked, cursing when he felt Draco tense next to him.
“Yeah, why do you ask?” Draco looked at him from the corner of his eye, arms rigid as they held onto the paper.
“No reason. You’re three months along now. Do you think we should tell the others before you start showing?” If Harry had hoped that the change of topic would make him relax, he was proved wrong when Draco tensed even further, knuckles white as they griped the paper.
Harry stretched his arm to put it along Draco’s shoulders, pulling his husband closer to him until Draco relented and dropped the paper, curling up against Harry’s chest.
They sat like that in silence, watching the sun rise outside their window.
“How do you want to do it?” Draco finally asked quietly. “Please don’t say a party. All that food would most likely only ensure I can’t come out of the bathroom the entire time.”
***
The first time it had happened was during lunch at the Burrow, the day they’d decided to tell everyone their news with the rest of Harry’s family. Their closest friends already knew, mostly because Draco was sure if Pansy or Hermione got to know he’d told them with everyone else, they would make him regret it. Draco had been standing by the fireplace sipping on his glass of water when he’d heard it, the sound of a child crying, and he’d ignored it. The place was filled with kids; Percy had two, George had one, Bill had three and even Ron had little Rose, so it was a given that at some point there would be a child crying.
So he’d ignored it, sat down next to Harry and blushed like crazy when Harry made the announcement and everyone wanted to hug him.
***
“Everything alright, mate?”
Harry looked up from his pint to see Ron staring at him, concern clear in his friend’s eyes. He sighed and took a small sip from his glass; he needed to make this last because there was no way he could go home drunk. At least not until Draco could drink again.
“Yeah, just it’s been crazy and this is just the beginning.”
Ron smiled at him, understanding what his friend was going through. “I know what you mean. Blimey, I love my kids, but each time I wished they would get here faster.”
Harry laughed, remembering the many conversations he’d had with Ron in this very spot about how difficult it was to keep a pregnant woman happy. Now of course, their roles had been reversed and no matter how tiring it was, he wouldn’t want it any other way.
“I’ll drink to that.” Harry took a large gulp of his beer; he needed to be home soon to make sure Draco wasn’t overexerting himself by doing all of the housework, too.
As Ron ordered another pint for himself, Harry frowned, thinking about this morning when he’d asked Draco whether they should ask to know the sex of the baby the next time they visited the Healer. Draco had just shrugged and said something about wanting to wait before leaving for work, rushing out as if he was scared Harry might ask something else.
“Want to tell me what’s wrong? I’m no Hermione, mind you, but living with her has taught me a thing or two about how to talk about feelings.” Ron grinned around his second glass.
Harry decided to take the plunge and started, “I think something’s bothering Draco. I’m not sure, or maybe I am, but there’s something he’s not telling me and it’s only putting him under a lot of stress.”
“Which is making you snap at everyone at work?”
“What?” Harry asked, surprised. “I’m not snapping at anybody.”
“You made Seamus almost cry today, mate,” Ron replied with a sympathetic smile.
Harry banged his head on the table. “I didn’t mean to! It’s just; I thought after all these years he’d tell me what’s wrong?”
“Harry,” Ron said, seriously for once making Harry look up at his best friend, “as much as it pains me to admit it, Ferret, I mean Draco and I are quite alike in certain regards. One of them being our inability to talk about what’s bothering us. Now, for me that’s only because I’m too thick headed to realize something’s bothering me in the first place, and I thank my stars every day that Hermione puts up with me. For him it’s because he’s a Malfoy and that’s not something you can stop being. But he’s learning how to be like you, and you just have to wait ‘til he’s ready to tell you.”
As Ron gulped down the rest of his beer, Harry could only stare in shock at his once emotionally stunted best friend and wonder when Ron Weasley had become better than him at understanding people. He was at a loss for words and luckily Ron made up for it belching loudly, and he decided wanted another pint before going home.
***
The next time it had happened, Draco had been in his Potion’s lab working on a volatile potion that needed to be brewed at a certain pace or he’d have to start over. This time he couldn’t blame it on anyone else; there was no in his lab but him and the faint sounds of a child crying. He’d dropped his knife when he heard it, the unmistakable sound of a crying infant, and he didn’t know how, but he could tell that the child was alone, was looking for someone, and his heart clenched as that sound carried on.
He’d searched all over his lab; maybe one of his customers had forgotten their child behind, however unlikely that was. An hour into the search and with no sign of a child, he’d given up and decided to go home.
Only when he had reached their empty house, Harry wouldn’t be home until much later, he could still hear a child crying, and for a minute thought he was perhaps going crazy because of all the fumes he had to ingest all day. It was when he had been cleaning up in the en suite that a chilling thought had struck him and stopped him in his tracks, water dripping down his face and hands.
His lost child, the one he couldn’t save; what if this was a warning?
It was one thing to be prepared for the worst; it was another to realize that his all his nightmares would be coming true.
As the sound of crying had continued, Draco had curled up in their bed whispering apologies to the child he couldn’t save while praying to anyone who would listen to forgive him for his mistakes and not let them affect the life of his unborn child.
That was how Harry had found him, sobbing under the covers. When Harry had rushed to the bed and pulled Draco into his arms, trying to find out what was wrong, Draco had fainted.
***
The first thing Draco sensed when he felt his consciousness come back to him was a sense of calm, a warm feeling of stability that had him relaxing instantly, and he let the feeling float him along to a complete sense of everything around him. There was a warm weight against his back, and even without opening his eyes he could tell it was Harry; no one held him the way Harry did, making him feel loved and protected.
As he slowly gained awareness, his memories came rushing back and he tensed, ready for the sound of crying to start again, his punishment to start again. He wondered how long he would have to go through it, but if it meant safety for his unborn child, he could take it forever.
He could feel Harry wind his arms tighter around him. Draco was sure Harry could feel how tense he was and that made him panic more because how could he tell Harry what was happening. That would mean giving up the secret he’d carried for years. And would Harry even want to stay with him after hearing about Draco’s mistake?
“Draco, love, I need you to relax. Take a deep breath, let it go, that’s it.”
Draco focused on Harry’s voice in his ears, the sound of his breathing, and let that carry him through. It was as he was concentrating on breathing that he realized he couldn’t hear the one sound he’d been dreading to hear – he couldn’t hear a baby crying anywhere.
Thinking this was maybe an indication of something wrong, Draco sat up, looking around him widely for any signs of what was going on, when he caught onto the fact that he was in St. Mungo’s.
“Draco? Draco, look at me.” He could hear Harry talking to him, but all he could focus on was the feeling of dread building in him as he tried to remember why he was in St. Mungo’s.
He flinched when he felt something touch his face, but relaxed when he saw Harry had come to sit in front of him, one hand curving around the side of Draco’s face while the other was covering the palm Draco had placed on his stomach without even realizing it.
“The baby’s fine. The healer said he’s perfectly healthy; you don’t need to worry.”
As soon as he’d heard the baby was fine, Draco let go of the breath he was holding and slumped forward into Harry’s waiting arms, taking deep shuddering breaths as Harry rubbed his back.
When he felt like he could breathe normally again he asked, “Why am I here?”
Harry didn’t pause rubbing Draco’s back as he answered. “I got home to find you distressed about something; before I could ask, you’d fainted. I didn’t know what to do, so I apparated us straight into Healer Smith’s office, who by the way was very shocked to see us.” Before Draco could ask, Harry continued, “They ran some tests and everything came out fine. Apparently you’d stressed yourself out a little too much.”
Draco nodded against Harry’s chest, feeling himself relax; his baby was fine, that’s all that mattered.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Harry asked quietly, still running his fingers along Draco’s spine.
Draco realized that maybe it was time he confessed to Harry; what was the worst that could happen? Harry would leave. Well he’s been prepared for that for years; it would just be confirmation that all his fears were sound.
Draco took a deep breath and started explaining. “I’ve been hearing these sounds, like a baby crying, and I thought it was-“
“- That would have been your baby reaching out to you, Mr. Potter-Malfoy.” Draco looked up as Healer Smith walked into the room, interrupting his long overdue explanation.
“It’s perfectly normal,” she continued, not batting an eyelid on seeing Harry, who was clearly not a patient, in bed with him, “for babies to reach out to their mothers, or in this case the carrying parent, as their magic starts developing. It’s just a form of communication and nothing to worry about. Can you tell me what you can hear now?”
Draco closed his eyes and concentrated on the sounds around him, trying to find what could be his baby’s sound. When he couldn’t hear anything but the sounds of the people outside the room, he frowned and tired harder, looking for his baby’s magic. That was when he realized that he was going about it wrong. He was looking for it outside when clearly his baby was trying to communicate from within him. As soon as he searched for it within him, he heard it, he heard his baby. No longer was he crying, and Draco could feel tears building in his eyes at the low hum he felt reverberate in him. The feeling of happy and safe coming from the humming was enough to make him start crying. Draco tried to reach out and see if he could say something back when he felt another sound reach out, a deep rolling echo like the ocean at night when everything is calm. He gasped as he realized it was Harry’s magic, reaching out with him to show their unborn child how wanted he was, how his parents were waiting for him.
Draco pulled back as he felt the hum quiet down and opened his eyes to see Harry looking back at him with equally watery eyes. They would have continued staring at each other if Healer Smith hadn’t reminded them of her presence by coughing politely.
“I know it’s an overwhelming experience; I just wanted to inform you that you can go home now, everything’s all right.”
Draco hid his smile in Harry’s shoulder as he was hugged again. He closed his eyes and absorbed the moment; soon he would tell Harry everything.
***
“Harry,” Draco called out to his husband as he walked into their living room, “Can I ask you something?”
Harry looked up from where he was reading a case file on the couch. “Of course, you don’t need to ask.”
Draco seated himself comfortably on the other end of the couch and faced Harry. “That day, when I was at St. Mungo’s, had you hit your head in some way?”
Harry looked confused. “No, why?”
Draco carried on, ignoring Harry. “Were you by any chance under the effects of a Confundus or any other charm that would make you forget things?”
“No,” Harry said irritably. “Why are you asking?”
“Oh, nothing,” Draco replied, walking towards their bedroom. “Just wanted to confirm that you were completely in your senses when you let slip the sex of our baby when you knew I didn’t want to know!”
Before Harry could react he heard the door slam.
This time Harry was made to sleep on the couch for only one night, which had nothing to do with the adorable blue booties he bought for their son, as Draco was feeling generous.
***
Draco was pacing in their living room, one hand placed on his clearly visible baby bump as he allowed his magic to soothe his child who could clearly tell his father was agitated.
He was five months along and he’d decided that he couldn’t keep the secret from Harry any longer. It had been five years too many and it was time he came clean. So when Harry came home that night, it was to find Draco waiting for him on the couch, hands folded in his lap.
“Draco, what’s wr-“ Draco raised his hand to stop him, he didn’t think he could speak once Harry started.
“I have to tell you something and I need you to hear me out.” Draco waited for Harry’s nod before continuing. “I just want you to know that I’m very sorry and I didn’t mean for it happen and,” he took a deep breath, calming his shaky nerves, “I’m sorry I kept it from you.
“That night, during the war, when you’d come back for a few hours,” he waited to see if Harry remembered, “well, after you’d left, a few weeks after that actually, I started falling ill and I was tired all the time, so I did a few tests to see what was wrong. It turns out that I was pregnant. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you then, but I knew you were out doing something to save the world with the others and the last thing you needed were distractions, so I kept quiet and I thought everything would be fine once the war was over, but,” Draco paused to take a deep breath, twisting his jumper with his fingers, “but it didn’t turn out okay. I want you to know I only went to Hogwarts on the day of the siege so that I could see you were fine, not because of some weird sense of heroism; that’s all you. I wanted to keep our baby safe, I did. It was all going fine, I was helping the first years leave, and then there was this explosion. I’m sorry, Harry, I’m so, so sorry. I know it was my fault and I’ll get it if you’re angry. You should be angry! I had no right to keep this from you; I’m so sorry.”
By this time Draco had started sobbing, deep chest wracking sobs that were shaking his entire body, and he didn’t even realize he was being moved until he felt warmth embrace him and heard Harry whispering in his ear. It took Draco some time to quiet down, to hear what Harry was saying.
“Oh Draco, if I’d known you’ve been blaming yourself all these years, I would have said something, but you never mentioned it and the Healer told me you’d asked her not to –“
Draco sat up, staring at Harry in disbelief. “Wait, what did you just say?”
“The Healer said you’d asked her not to tell me and I figured that’s what you wanted so I-“
Again Draco interrupted him, “So, you’re saying you’ve known all along?”
“Yes, I have and it’s okay Draco, it’s no-“
“How can you say it’s okay? Why are you not angry with me?” Draco was shouting by now, standing next to the couch. He didn’t know why he was so angry at Harry, but what he did know was that Harry couldn’t just be okay with it.
“I’m not angry because it’s not your fault!” Harry was standing, too, now, facing his husband.
“Of course it was my fault! I should have stayed back; I shouldn’t have left the house that day.”
Harry took a step towards Draco. “Can you honestly say that you could have stayed back? Would you have been able to stop yourself from going?”
He waited while Draco thought it over, relaxing slightly when Draco didn’t say anything. “Exactly, Draco. Had I been in your place, I would have gone, too. You didn’t know how it would turn out and it might have been the last time ever you would have seen me had things turned out differently.”
Draco took a step towards Harry at that. He hated remembering that day, hearing about how Harry had died.
“Draco, if I’d known you’ve been blaming yourself all these years, I would have said something sooner. I just thought you didn’t want to talk about it and I respected that.” Harry sighed, moving closer to Draco and embracing him. “Clearly I made a mistake.”
Draco was still trying to get over the shock that Harry had known all along and he was okay with it. In a last ditch attempt he said, “But it was my fault, it was.”
Harry held onto him tighter. “And it’s my fault hundreds of people died at the final battle.”
“Harry,” Draco turned to glare at Harry, “it’s not the same.”
“Why not?” Harry asked. “I was the chosen one; I should have kept them safe. They were fighting for me. You were fighting for me. Doesn’t that make me responsible?”
“We’ve been over this, Harry. It wasn’t your fault; they were fighting for a better world. Everyone made sacrifices so that we could live in a safer world.”
“Exactly, everyone made sacrifices, Draco; no one was at fault. Some things are out of our hands and all we can do is bare the hardships and move on like we’re going to do now.”
Harry could tell the topic was far from over. For all of his cunningness and stealth, most times Harry felt that Draco should have been Gryffindor; he had a martyr complex to match most of the Gryffindors Harry knew.
EPILOGUE
Draco woke up disoriented, blinking in the dark. He looked towards the windows to see faint light streaming through the curtains, still too early for anyone to be awake in their house. He was about to fall asleep again when he heard whispers coming from outside their half open bedroom door; at least now he knew where Harry was. Draco was about to get up and investigate when he remembered what day it was.
He had just about managed to wipe the smile from his face and pretend to be sleeping when he heard the door open and socked feet move across the room to reach the bed. He felt his body move a little due to the added weight on the bed; it was getting harder for him to keep his eyes closed, especially when he felt a small body settle on his stomach carefully, taking time to get comfortable before two small hands reached out to touch his face.
“Papa wakey?”
Draco wanted to open his eyes and hug his son tightly, but that would ruin the fun. And they had a tradition. Harry, who knew Draco was awake, shifted closer to the two most important people in his life. “I think he’s still sleeping, Jamie. How do you think we can wake him up?” Harry asked conspiratorially.
Even though Draco knew it would happen, he still wasn’t ready for the tickle attack. Within minutes, he was rolling around on their bed, Jamie in his arms as they tried to hide from Harry who’d decided to launch a one man attack.
By the time Harry stopped, Draco had tears in his eyes from laughing so much and Jamie was bouncing on their bed, giggling to himself.
“Happy Budday, Papa!” Jamie jumped on Draco, snuggling into his arms with his head nestled on Draco’s shoulder.
Draco smiled at the half asleep almost two year old in his arms and placed a soft kiss on silver hair as unruly as Harry’s. He looked up when he felt Harry’s hand on his arm.
“Happy Birthday, Draco.” Harry sealed the greeting with a kiss that would have turned into something more if they hadn’t had a sleeping toddler with them.
As Draco gently maneuvered the covers over the three of them, Harry asked, “What do you want to do today?”
Draco placed Jamie between the two of them and linked his hand with Harry’s over their son, who was sucking his thumb in his sleep, and didn’t even pretend to think about it as he said, “Nothing besides spending the day lazing around with my husband and son.” He leant forward to accept another kiss from Harry and added, “I wouldn’t mind cake though.”
“Anything, Draco, anything you want.”