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Josh was half asleep with the constant chirp of summer crickets as the soundtrack of his childhood nostalgia when the ding and flash from his phone startled him awake. Usually he put his phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’ but fortunately that night he'd forgotten this part of his routine.
He squinted in the bright light from the phone screen, trying to read who was texting him so late at night. Josh had returned to Ohio three days before, and been lying low ever since. Only his immediate family knew he was in town, which was so far out of the norm for him— usually, as soon as he landed in Columbus, he had fifty messages from friends and other loved ones filling in his days and social calendar.
Josh hadn't even told Tyler that he was home, and there wasn't any reason behind that; at least not one he could name. There had been this drained, empty feeling that made him feel heavy and lonely, but craving solitude all the same. Unusual for someone that thrived on being with people, Josh felt like he needed a good mope away from it all.
The stress of touring, of making a new album, of being Josh Dun ; he'd admit it was all probably harder to be all of the above for Tyler, who was the face of it all in the end. If anything, Josh felt selfish to be overwhelmed by his burden, when Tyler was so much more important to the whole process than he.
That's why he drew away from Tyler during this hiatus, and maybe that was the root as to why he hadn't even texted Tyler yet. Josh didn't want to crowd his friend, was fearful that to impede on Tyler’s recharging time would only hurt him.
Though, after all these years, Tyler never failed to amaze Josh with how sharp-eyed he was. If anything, Josh had learned to not be surprised that he'd been surprised by some keen observation or witty line. So, he was only slightly shocked to see that the person who had texted him was none other than his band mate and best friend.
“ Put a shirt on, we're going to TB” Tyler had written, and Josh didn't need to look out the window to see his car parked in the driveway.
“ What about pants? ” Josh replied, tugging on the clothes he'd left on the floor from the day. He'd spent the day lounging around, only leaving in disguise to go grocery shopping. The outfit was mostly clean, or at least clean enough for a midnight run to Taco Bell.
“ Around me, pants are always optional. Hurry up, bruhdda.”
Josh slid into the passenger seat a few minutes later, wearing pants for decency’s sake.
“Hey, dude.” He said sheepishly, since he knew Tyler was likely a tad offended that Josh hadn't at least let him know he'd be in town.
“The garbage cans moved and your car was parked differently, so I had to check if a burglar was living in your house.” Tyler explained, and Josh filled in the blanks that the ever watchful and protective Tyler was, of course, keeping an eye on his property, even though Josh always insisted he didn't have to.
“Nope." Josh shrugged, “Just me.”
Tyler squinted at him, “You didn't mention you'd be flying back…. Is someone sick? Is your grandma okay?”
“She's fine… I just wanted to— I dunno. I needed a change of scenery. Just be somewhere… quieter.”
Tyler looked alarmed, but said nothing, just started his car and backed out of the driveway. Josh could already feel the weird vibe between them; Tyler looked inexplicably worried and Josh couldn't find any energy or topic of conversation to divert his obvious concern.
They fell into the usual “ how's your family? ” and updates that half of which either of them could get off of social media. It was easier to talk like casual friends— not as best friends who spend practically all their time as one unit. Usually when they spent a week or two apart, it felt like nothing had changed, they there had been no time or distance between them.
It had been the longest they'd been apart since becoming a band, and Josh wondered if the awkward feeling was just another sign that things were different between them.
Tyler refused to believe there was anything wrong between them. Nothing bad had happened and he would claw the eyes of the demon that whispered that Josh and him were drifting apart .
Impossible. Josh and he were more than best friends; they were soulmates in whatever the confusing feelings entailed.
Sure, they had needed the time apart but Tyler found that he came out the other side of it needing and craving Josh’s presence. He could only briefly take his eyes off the road—couldn’t study Josh’s profile like he’d been wanting to—but the glimpses in his periphery were comfort enough that Josh was actually there.
He just liked having Josh around. Plain and simple, there were very few people in his life that he was able to tolerate nonstop contact, and the two of them clicked like no one else before. It was just easy being around him;Josh never drained him or demanded anything, he was just that laidback.
Tyler was a little hurt that Josh hadn’t let him know that he was back in Ohio. He figured he was taking it too personally— Tyler knew he had a tendency to do that. It just scared him to think that Josh didn’t want to spend time with him, in an immature, jealous way that made his skin crawl when he saw Josh in the studio with other musicians or hanging out with his LA friends.
Tyler couldn’t help feeling a bit selfish, and there was always that insecure part of him that whispered Josh would get bored and leave, just like everyone else. And why wouldn’t he, when Josh was surrounded by all these cooler musicians that he’d idolized for years, or found himself as a mentor to newer bands? Josh had a new purpose beyond their band, and the ground they stood on together seemed as solid as sand when there were so many miles between them.
Their friendship needed to be re-baptized as a reminder that their foundation was strong— nothing could shake their bond. Tyler needed the vows to be renewed that they were each other’s, no matter what.
They’d lapsed into silence for the last few minutes of the ride, both caught within their own webs of disarray. It’d been quiet between them for awhile— the last third of the tour had been just making it from show to show with very little exploration. They’d fallen into routine and wanted to hang out with their phones rather than each other. There were no random adventures or kickball games in the parking lot. Josh would run, Tyler would work, and they’d eat together sometimes.
As much as Tyler hated this time apart, they needed it to appreciate the other.
His heart clenched, and he felt something close to tears welling hot in his throat as he parked the car. Finally able to look at Josh in the orange lighting of the parking lot, he found the drummer already staring at him. They said nothing, just embraced across the center console, Tyler ignored the ache of the buckle digging into his hip to settle into the warm arms of his best friend.
Josh smelled like a body wash Tyler had used years before. He remembered Josh showering at his place a few times, and wondered if Josh had purchased that soap for that very reason— for the memories of the rental home, small shows, and hours spent practicing, practicing, practicing.
It felt like fate that once again Josh was sporting dark hair— one of those weirdly coincidental details that Tyler obsessed over.
“So, are you gonna show me your haircut?” Tyler asked, finally letting go of Josh.
“Uh, I dunno, man. It looks kinda weird since it’s just growing in. You don’t want to see that.” Josh tugged on his beanie.
“Dude, you know I’m dying to see that. I’ve missed your brown hair so much .”
Josh didn’t put up any fight, just glanced around to check that there was no one nearby who would post a photo online before revealing his buzzcut.
Tyler couldn’t help the laughter.
“Tyler!” Josh said indignantly, and stuffed the beanie back onto his head. Tyler tried to grab the hat, but Josh leaned out of the way.
“It looks awesome, man. It's just… wow. I'm really not used to seeing you without really bright…” Tyler gestured at the top of his head and Josh laughed.
“Yeah. Adios to the fluff… For now.”
“I could get used to it." Tyler squinted at him and envisioned their next cycle’s aesthetic.
“I know you could." Josh scoffed, Tyler’s not-so-secret preference had come up many times before.
“Yeah, but like it'd be a, uh, more mature and different thing we could do." Tyler grappled for a point while Josh gave him a doubtful look.
“Sounds like a great idea if I wasn't literally invested in a hair dye company.” Josh pat Tyler's shoulder and climbed out of the car. “Cmon dude, let's get some dang tacos!”
There was a Taco Bell closer to where Josh now lived, but Tyler had chosen this one for a reason they both knew. They always came back, and it felt appropriate that it happened this night, at this point in their hiatus when things had become so distant from those early days.
Josh realized, a late night epiphany, how life never got any easier. Back then, it was a constant battle to get the band noticed. Booking gigs with no recognition for shows with no one attending; they'd fought a war but the tides changed. Now, the pressure was on to repeat and better their best.
Back then, it was the two of them vs. the world. Now, the world was waiting for them.
The cashier looked sleepily dumbfounded, as if their appearance was too cliched and surreal. Josh knew the Internet would know where they were as soon as they left the store, unless the employee just wrote their appearance off as a mirage of the witching hour.
Josh didn't feel real. This whole event felt like a memory-turned-dream; his nostalgic mind had recreated those long ago trips to with Tyler. He'd been missing their anonymity, the trapped feeling manifesting in an alternate reality where they could do just this in present time without it being reported to the world.
The Baja Blasts, Tyler ordering a 12 pack of tacos; it all fit the routine too well. It was so predictable, Josh was certain it was happening in his head, till Tyler flicked his nose.
“Earth to Jish. C'mon man, I'm supposed to be the introspective one. You're supposed to carry all this crap." Tyler’s voice dropped to a whisper so the staff wouldn't overheard, “ up to the roof.”
That woke Josh up enough. He matched Tyler’s grin, feeling a thrill of danger he hadn't had since before a time he couldn't recall. Staying safe and whole for the tour had turned into luxuriating like a potato upon his couch, so getting up to mischief with Tyler was all part of ‘missing Tyler’.
Josh knew people had this impression that Tyler was ‘The Serious One’; that he acted more mature. Josh knew that was completely mistaken. Tyler would get these ideas in his head— absolutely ridiculous ones like wearing strange thrift store clothes, or getting tattoos of each other’s names— and he'd carry out these harebrained schemes with a determined, impish glint in his eye. Josh always would say he was just along for the ride.
Vividly, Josh recalled the only other illegal thing they'd done together.
“We need this mini fridge." Tyler had announced to the group. They were at a festival and were coming back to their bus midday after playing their set. The band wasn't as big as they were now, so usually the sun was still up when they played.
“Tyler, that belongs to someone else ." Mark’s tone was that of an adult patiently explaining property laws to a four year old.
The mini fridge was with other stuff, and probably did belong to someone, though the argument could be made that it was abandoned and trash, which Tyler did.
“C’mon Josh, you're with me, right?” Tyler ignored the naysayers and stared him down.
Josh didn't know how Tyler still had the strength after sprinting and jumping all over the stage. Tyler wiped the sweat off with a towel draped around his neck, and Josh admired how easily the summer sun tanned his skin.
“Of course." Josh said without hesitation, caught in his aura, as he had been since they'd met.
Josh would do practically anything for Tyler, up to and including minor theft. Tyler had put a ban on anyone else besides them using the mini fridge since they'd be “the only ones who put any work into carrying back to the bus! Especially you, Mark!”
The fridge had crapped out after a week; their Red Bulls and YooHoos had to return to the big communal fridge begrudgingly. Mark made sure to gloat as the band mates carried the fridge off like two pallbearers for a fallen comrade.
The mini fridge probably wasn't so expensive that the owner missed its lost greatly, but it became theirs with a story attached. And they both loved having stories of their own. Almost as much as they enjoyed having a stash of their favorite drinks where someone wouldn't steal it (no one was sure who, but pretty much everyone suspected Snyder).
In the time since they'd last hoisted themselves up to the roof, nothing had changed. It was still laughably easy; no one saw them, and even if they did, no one really cared enough to protest.
Josh was surprised that the fans hadn't figured out this exact spot. He'd been expecting some sort of shrine dedicated to their friendship waiting for them, and was only a little disappointed this spot of lore was undiscovered. At least it meant that this place was still private and sacred to them and their tacos.
Tyler shrugged off his hoodie and spread it out like a tiny picnic blanket. Josh knew that he'd be cold in a matter of minutes, and Josh’s hoodie would end up around Tyler’s shoulders.
Both sighed at the first bite, as if they were dining on fine cuisine after years of being stranded on a deserted island. It was all about the ambiance; the faintly twinkling stars, dimmed by the light pollution, but an expanse to stare up into with a mouth full of beef and artificial flavoring.
They devoured the tacos, regardless of how big a dinner they ate mere hours before. They acted too busy to talk, but really they had no idea what to say, Never before had there been awkward uncertainty between them, and Josh was fighting with himself.
During the break, he’d been thinking a lot about Tyler though they hadn’t been talking much. Josh had realized he’d reached a certain age, and hadn’t found anyone. All he saw in his future was the band and Tyler, and it didn’t seem so bad. He felt a whole lot of something, and was scared of facing those feelings.
Tyler finished first and leaned back, rubbing his stomach and sighing, “So good. Needed that. Could sleep right here, right now.”
In the weak light, Josh could see that Tyler had shut only one eye. He was watching Josh with a furrow in his brow.
“You look like you've been having fun on break.” Tyler remarked and Josh stiffened. “So why are you back here?”
Josh chewed thoughtfully. “Dunno. LA just got to be… too much. Been doing some, like, mentoring with younger bands. And working out and stuff. That's all been cool, but." Josh shrugged, “Just feeling weird.”
“Weird in what way?”
He'd forgotten how conversations like this with Tyler always seemed to go deeper than he'd ever been able to on his own. Maybe because he was so comfortable with Tyler, even more than with his own mind and quiet bad thoughts. Tyler was challenging but safe; confiding with him came with protection and another shoulder to take the burden.
“I feel like… something’s missing. A part of me isn't there anymore.” Josh hadn't vocalized this thought to himself, and the words felt like they came from a stranger.
“Like a piece was left behind? Or was it never there?” Tyler had a gift of putting into words what Josh was still figuring out.
“Yeah no, the first one. It was there and now it's gone.” Josh said, excited that Tyler got him , as always.
“Come lie down.” Tyler pat the spot next to him. There wasn't much room on the hoodie and their bodies lined up almost perfectly. Josh could've sighed with relief at how easily they fit together. A finished puzzle.
“I've been feeling that too. Ever since tour ended. I knew it'd be bad, but not as empty as this.” Tyler confessed with both of their faces to the sky. It was easier to be honest when they couldn't see the other.
Josh's hand wrapped around Tyler’s wrist, blindly reaching to hold any part of him. They were quiet, just existing in each other’s orbit.
Josh started to wonder when they stopped doing this, the familiarity of Tyler's warm presence along his side a heart wrenching reminder of how this used to be a nightly occurrence. The habit had faded away so surreptitiously, that Josh hadn't even realized it had ended.
If he thought back far enough, Josh could pinpoint somewhere between the time of their first bus and not just being able to afford separate hotel rooms, but asking for them. Was it Tyler or he that had asked for that? Who had been the one to greedily want a whole king sized mattress to themselves? How could either of them crave solitude over the comfort of their best friend sleeping beside them?
Josh was so close to drifting off to sleep; right back to where he'd been before Tyler had brought him out for tacos and star gazing. The temperature didn't matter— he had Tyler to warm him from the inside out.
Tyler voice spoke so softly Josh didn't know if he was already dreaming. “I know this is just a hiatus, but having no end date just makes me feel like we're gonna drift away from each other.”
Josh's dissent rumbled from deep within his chest, down his arms and into Tyler's skin. Josh rolled, eyes unopened, to fold Tyler into his arms. Tyler gave a hefty sigh with the weight of Josh half on his chest. He was wide awake, the thoughts were still there that had caused him to take his insomnia drive passed Josh’s house.
He was relieved that Josh was actually present with him, filling in a little of the hole where his lungs used to be.
“I don't know what to do next with the band… with you. I don't know how to keep you around. We've achieved what we wanted to, but… I don't know.”
“I'm here.” Josh replied, waking back up finally. “I'm not going to run off because you got me a Grammy or something lame like that. You're gonna have to get rid of me first.”
Josh may have been awake, his voice too clear to be clouded by dreams, but his head stayed on Tyler’s chest. Tyler was too scared to see his face, but also emboldened to speak about secrets by weeks of little sleep and agonizing over Josh’s assumed departure. Rationally, he knew Josh was his , but Tyler had been hurt by too many to trust even his best friend.
“Josh…” It seemed as if the sky was at its darkest point. It felt like the best time to finally tell Josh that he—
“I'm in love with you, Tyler.” Josh cut in.
“I've been thinking a lot and—” Tyler had built the mental momentum and was barely paying attention to Josh
“I've been in love with you for a long time.” Josh had rolled his head to look at Tyler’s face, finding a disappointingly oblivious reaction.
“—That's nice, but beside the point. Josh, look, I- I- have been having these... feelings for you… You make me so happy and I couldn't help— wait.” The penny dropped, “Did you just?”
“Yep.” Josh popped his P.
“Dude, I can't believe you just upstaged my confession!”
“Oops.” Josh laughed. “I dunno… the way you go on sometimes, you probably would've chickened out before the end. Ah!” Josh pointed at Tyler’s indignant face. “Bro, you can't deny it!”
“Whatever, man.” Tyler pouted. “See if I kiss you after that.”
“Nah-uh. There's no way you can resist these lips.” Josh raised himself to kneel over Tyler, hand on either side of his head. He hovered, an arm’s length away, lips puckered comically.
“Finding it kinda easy. That face isn't particularly attractive.” Tyler found it hard to concentrate, to be witty back, when Josh was so close, when Josh was asking to be kissed.
He was so beautiful, Tyler wanted to spend eternity looking up into his face. His eyes; so warm and safe.
“What do we do?” Tyler asked, dazed.
“We make out. We've been waiting long enough.” Josh reminded him, waiting for Tyler to move.
“No, I mean later . What are we doing with our lives— the band— after this?” Tyler felt himself getting hysterical.
“Whoa, dude. We still have to, you know… kiss? Like, you're already planning the worst case scenario, and man, it doesn't have to be that way. Let's just go super slow, and you lay a big ol’ smacker on me. Hey, we could both totally suck at kissing and realize let's not even waste our time!” Josh nudged Tyler’s side with his knee. “No pressure, alright? Let's just see where this takes us, okay?”
Tyler found that with just the slightest pull to the back of Josh’s head, he bowed down easily, letting Tyler take him where they needed to go. Tyler felt the warm swell of Josh’s bottom lip first and they slowly melded together. They stayed in place and didn’t dare to breathe; a still-life rooftop scene with the nearly empty box of tacos at their feet. They were so wrapped up within the other, a meteor could have landed in the parking lot and they would have been too busy changing their own world to notice.
Years of boundaries had made them terrified to do what they’d dreamt of all this time. There was so much Tyler wanted to find out; places he wanted his hands to travel to, lips to explore. He was in awe of the silky curls under his fingertips, right at the base of Josh’s scalp, cradling his head in place.
If he closed his eyes and pushed away all that had happened, they were back to when they first met and all this time denying what he felt hadn’t been wasted. Though, Tyler would never count any time with Josh as misspent, it was just that they could have been doing this and more for so much longer.
“Sorry." Josh was the first to move away. “This position is killing my knees.” He explained and lay down. They settled onto their sides to look at each other.
“So, um. That was awesome.” Tyler said, and Josh replied with an eager nod.
“Kiss me again?” Tyler asked, finding Josh to be more than happy to oblige. “You’re not a bad kisser at all.”
“Nah, I think we, like, work together pretty well. Very good kissing.” Josh looked so elated, that Tyler couldn’t help but be absorbed into that. His concerns were washed away in the warmth that Josh radiated. It didn’t matter that the night was chilly; everything had fallen away.
“I think— I think we’re going to be great.” Tyler found hope and it was the spark that was between Josh and him.
“We’ve got time. So much time.” Josh reminded him.
“Yeah… Yeah…” Tyler mused, they shifted together so their bodies could align and heat each other. “This doesn’t even feel real.”
“Yeah.” Josh echoed. “Feels like I’m dreaming.”
“Are we?”
“Maybe?”
“Hmm.” Tyler touched Josh’s cheek. “I think that means we should, y’know… go to bed.” His wink was evident even in the darkness.
“My bed?” Josh felt a thrill, conditioned into him whenever Tyler suggests something new or daring.
“Well, since you’re offering.” Tyler pecked his nose and sat up. “C’mon!”
Josh thought clearly enough to grab their leftovers—it wouldn’t taste as good as it had upon the roof, but that wouldn’t stop either of them in the morning. No evidence was left behind that they had been there, no eyes had seen them ascend or descend, and no one but them were witness to the night they spent tangled freely together.
“We’ll figure it out in the morning. We’ve got all the time in the world,” they whispered back and forth as they settled into a nest of blankets and limbs. Easily this time, they descended into sleep.
The emptiness had been filled in both their hearts— the hiatus had implied a separation, a time of growth apart, however like two celestial bodies, they were destined to fall back into rotation; in sync. They found that they slept better than what they’d grown used to, in excitement of waking up in the morning with sunlight streaming through Josh’s bedroom windows to illuminate how they were still holding each other all those hours later.