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The door release remained stubbornly red, although the readout indicated that Miranda was in her office. Shepard shifted her weight from side to side. She needed to pee.
"Miranda? You in there?" Shepard called.
The lock glowed briefly yellow before changing back to red with a smug little buzz. The text indicator changed from 'Busy' to 'Wait'.
Shepard stood there, fuming quietly. Thirty seconds later she pressed again.
'Wait'
And again.
'Wait'
Shepard thumped the door with her fist, then looked around, embarrassed. The crew in the mess ignored her carefully.
'Wait'
"Gah!" she exclaimed. She turned on her heel and stamped away in her heavy boots, one step, two.
The door chimed. The lock went green.
'Enter'
Shepard turned around again, hot in the face, and punched her way in.
"Shepard, what can I do for you?" Miranda asked. She was pink in the cheeks, mirthful at Shepard's predicament.
"You know damn well!" Shepard exploded. "The belt, Miranda! I'm here about the damn chastity belt!"
Miranda shifted in her seat. "Shepard, the Illusive Man told me to bring you back exactly as you were. That's how we found you."
Shepard's eyes widened. "You what?" she spluttered. "Miranda, this is not the same goddamn belt I was wearing when..." She trailed off.
"Of course," Miranda said gently. "Of course, Shepard. That one was far too damaged. But this one, let me assure you, is top of the line. Absolutely inescapable. And I'm happy to hold the keys for as long as you need. Here they are, look."
Three little silver keys hung from the chain that Miranda dangled from her finger. Then she dropped the chain, keys and all, into her cleavage.
Shepard took a step forward, fingers reaching, but she held back.
Miranda sat back in her chair looking awfully pleased with herself.
"Gah!" Shepard said again, hands curling into fists. She stormed off, boots punishing the deck.
The door slid shut behind her with a sibilant hiss.
Shepard froze. Her head tilted to one side. "Now wait a damn minute..." she muttered. She half-turned. She could see the green of the indicator from the corner of her eye. Quick as a snake, she punched the lock.
'Wait'
"Gah!" she announced, beyond caring what the crew thought any more.
Thinking about it, she was pretty sure she knew just where Miranda's other hand had been.
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"Hey, Garrus, old buddy, old pal," said Shepard. "Whatcha doing?" Shepard folded her arms and leaned back by the door to the forward battery.
He straightened up from his console in a hurry. "Shepard! I was just... I mean, nice of you to drop by." He cleared his screen with a gesture.
Shepard had always liked how Garrus looked her straight in the eye. "Calibrating?"
Garrus coughed nervously. "Yes! Yes, calibrating."
"Do you need to be alone with her?"
"Ah-hah." Garrus' laugh was flat. "Actually..."
"I get it." Shepard spread her hands wide. "Got to keep your eye on the ball."
Garrus glanced down. "Turians don't have... damn you."
Shepard smirked. "That one never gets old. Rain check?"
Garrus looked up. The ac unit dripped sometimes, but...
Shepard stifled her giggle. "I mean, can we get hammered later? I need to blow off some steam."
"Of course," Garrus replied, back on track. Alcohol was the universal lubricant. "Later? Then?"
Shepard pushed off the wall and sauntered out, a grin on her face. Teasing Garrus was always good for a laugh.
She was nearly back at the mess before her mind's eye registered what she had seen. Feet poking out from under the console.
Naked clawed feet.
"Gah!"
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"Hurr, hurr, hurr."
The nasty laugh drew Shepard closer in.
"Hurr. Hurr."
Her eyes widened when she saw what Grunt was up to.
Lacking a rolled up newspaper, she backed away in a hurry.
In the corridor outside, she slammed her fist into her crotch. Nothing.
------------------
"Now might not be a good time, Commander," said Daniels. "Tali's...busy."
Shepard glanced over at the gangway leading up to the drive. Tali was up there, grasping the handrail, staring up into the drive. "She's eyeballing the engine?" Shepard asked. "You think Quarians are really that good with drives?"
The engineers exchanged a glance.
"They are... very... interested... in... I can't do this, Gabby."
"You're a coward, Kenneth. What he's trying to say is... I mean, Tali's culture. Obviously. Is different." Her pause went long. "I've thought about it."
"You dirty scunner," Kenneth said.
Shepard left them to their bickering and approached Tali for some answers.
"Shp," muttered Tali. "Sploo. Yes commander, no commander, commander captain commander..."
Up close, Shepard could see how tight Tali's grip on the handrail was. She backed away carefully. "Gah," she whispered to her self. "Gah."
------------------
"Hey Shepard," said Jack. "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?"
Shepard thought about it and went for the common ground. "Miranda."
"There's a piece of work."
"She's driving me nuts," Shepard admitted.
Jack didn't even blink. "Uh-huh. I'm shit out of sympathy. Nothing that crazy bitch does surprises me. But if you want to plan your revenge, I'm all ears."
"Fuck." Shepard pounded at her crotch as a bubble of frustration welled up inside her.
"Woah. Is that what you came down here for?" asked Jack. "Sure, whatever, let's roll." She started sliding her pants down over her hips.
Shepard took a step back. "No! I mean, what? No, thank you."
"Your loss," said Jack. "Shit, now I'm in the mood. Mind if I jill off?"
"Gah!" Shepard said.
But she didn't leave.
------------------
"Kasumi, you've got to help me," Shepard said as she strode into the lounge.
"Hel-lo, Commander," Kasumi replied. "I was wondering when you'd show up. You're in quite the predicament. Let me get my tools."
"Oh thank god." Shepard's shoulders slumped visibly. "You really think you can get this thing off me?"
Kasumi had quickly arranged a variety of brightly coloured sex toys within easy reach of her armchair. "What? Sure. Sure, sure. But first, tell me, how are you feeling? Right now?"
She brandished a livid purple vibrator and waited for Shepard to continue.
The sound of Shepard's exclamation was drowned out by the steely buzz of the vibe.
------------------
"Commander, your behaviour, erratic, peculiar. Problem?"
"Erotic?" Shepard asked. "I though Salarians weren't into sex?"
"Deflecting, of course, embarrassed? Yes, clearly. Scans indicate presence of foreign body in crotch area. Quite familiar with other species' need to alleviate boredom by inserting objects into every orifice. Am a medical doctor, after all."
"Can you give me something?" Shepard asked. "To... dial it down a little?"
"Sedatives?" Mordin considered. "Not medically indicated. Suggest old fashioned remedy: manual relief."
Shepard dropped her pants. "Damn it Mordin, I can't get this fucking thing off."
Mordin peered at the chastity belt, his flexible spine curving sinuously. "Hmmm," he said. "Quite decorative! Have you tried pressing here?" He put his hands on the sides of the belt, at Shepard's waist. "Where it says: 'Press here'?"
The belt clacked and hinged open. The stink of Shepard's neglected crotch filled the room.
"Mmm," said Mordin, after Shepard had pulled up her pants and sprinted out. "Swampy."
He got back to his work.