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The year is 2017 and Jace Wayland just witnessed his parabatai try to throw himself off a roof when the memories start coming. A garden’s landscape, trees covered in white fluffy snow and Alec’s equally pale face, lips as blue as death . He can’t sleep no matter how much he tries, different instances of the same nightmare waking him up every time. He’s running through an empty house, crossing room after room always with the same thought in mind, a single name: Alec. When he finally finds him all Jace can do is wish he never did, his face contorting into a silent scream as he sees his lover’s dead body hanging from the branches of his beloved tree. No.
He wakes up with a start, covered in cold sweat and watched over by Alec’s worried hazel eyes, his touch is burning where his hand clutches at Jace’s bicep. It had felt so real .. But Alec is right there, concern radiating from him in waves, and while Jace appears to settle back against his pillows his mind doesn’t feel any more at ease.
“I had a nightmare.. ” he says once he finally finds his voice, hoarse and broken but sounding nonetheless. Alec is there, after all, and Jace figures he must have felt something, he must know — “Did you see what I saw?”
“I don't know,” Alec begins, not knowing how to answer Jace for once, not knowing what his parabatai means. Nightmares of his own have kept him awake, dreams about banging at a wooden door until his hands bled, calling out for Jace until his voice became raw, a painful feeling around his throat threatening to choke him to death .
Alec thinks the dreams were a consequence of the spell from earlier that night, the dark magic that made him see all of his family dead, a feeling of guilt so overwhelming he was ready to do anything in order to make it stop, ready to jump . He can't remember which visions have plagued Jace during the ordeal, or if his parabatai has even told him, but it is clear whatever he has hallucinated has been enough to leave him shaken, and it isn't completely gone.
“What did you see?” Alec finally dares to ask, “What happened?”
Jace's hands cling to his dark sheets so tightly his knuckles look white and for the longest time he remains silent, so long Alec begins thinking he won't say a word, but just as he's about to give up Jace starts talking and all he can do is listen. If he thought his parabatai sounded hoarse or shaken before it is nothing compared to how his voice breaks as he speaks now.
“There was a house.. and an apple tree.. It was so beautiful.” There's a pause, a hitch of breath, and a crease that sinks in between Jace's brows as he struggles to remember it clearly. “But you— you were hanged.. on that tree. It was so real— and there was nothing I could do. You were so cold and your face..” Jace rubs his hands over his face and his eyes glimmer once he finally looks up at Alec. “It was awful.”
Confusion and fear leak through their bond, real and so raw Alec feels the need to reach forward, taking Jace's wrists between his hands and rubbing soothing circles on their insides as he speaks in a quiet voice.
“It was just a dream, Jace,” he assures him. “I'm here, I'm okay.. ”
And Jace knows Alec is telling the truth, he knows it was just a dream, but, “It felt so real, Alec.. you were gone and I couldn't bring you back..”
They were already close, but not as close as they become once Jace surges forward hugging his parabatai's waist and burying his face on the crook of his neck, his voice muffled as he speaks again. “It was my fault somehow.. I'm so sorry.”
“It wasn't your fault,” Alec says before he can even think about. Whatever this is, whatever dreams are tormenting Jace, Alec knows this to be true: it isn't his fault. He doesn't know what else to say and the sheer agony coming through their bond only makes him hug his parabatai even tighter, a hand sprawled over his back.
It seems to work, at least a bit, and Jace slowly relaxes in his hold, eventually pulling back and rubbing over his reddened eyes again. “I'm sorry about this.. it was just a nightmare. It's silly,” he plays it down, trying to look tough, but Alec can see the liquid gleam in his tainted blue eyes as he speaks. It doesn't feel silly, in reality it feels anything but.
Whatever it is Alec can tell it really scared Jace, he can feel it, and leaving his parabatai alone with his demons tonight of all nights would feel especially cruel.
“Do you want me to stay?” Alec asks after only a second of hesitation.
And Jace wants him to stay, he wants it so badly, but at the same time “I don't want to bother you..”
They haven't shared a bed in years, not since Alec realized how he felt about his best friend before he even agreed to become his parabatai, but it feels like the time for it, if there was ever a time; so Alec doubles down on his offer, just this once, assuring Jace that it would be no trouble.
“If it really isn't..? I know this is stupid, but.. I think it'd be nice to hear you breathe .”
“It's not stupid,” Alec promises, meaning every bit of it. He gets it, he really does, and something inside his chest eases as Jace pulls up the covers and gives him room to climb into his bed along with him. He wasn't sleeping anyway, but maybe he would be able to lulled by the steady sound of Jace's heartbeat.
They settle after some shuffling, facing each other in the dim light filtering through Jace's tall windows, it gives their skin and the room a faint bluish hue and for a moment Alec sees himself far away, envisioning a memory.
The attic is small, cramped with unused furniture and cold — especially cold in the winter time, but they don't really care. It has everything they need. Alec's bed is small and narrow, but he and Jace lie so close and cling so tightly they're nearly on top of each other anyway, warm and cozy under the heavy feather blanket. Or at least they would be, if Jace stopped leaning away and craning his neck to stare through the window. Alec shivers whenever he does that, but his lover is quick to bribe him with warm kisses, and Jace's bright smile as he sees the garden and his favorite tree is definitely worth the chills.
It is early in the morning and the sun will come out soon, taking Jace away along with it, he has to leave so nobody notices he spent the night with Alec, but not just yet. They still have some time, enough for some kisses and more stolen touches. Alec longs for the day they won't have to hide anymore, to be somewhere else, somewhere where he can feel always warm like Jace's smile makes him feel. His lover seems to read his thoughts, at least to some extent, turning to face him in the narrow bed and reaching for Alec's hands, gently pressing it to his lips.
“Promise me we'll never be apart,” Jace asks in a whisper, “We live together, we die together.”
“I promise,” Alec whispers back, tugging Jace even closer to his chest to blanket him from the imagined cold. “Where you die, I'll die.”
And for one fleeting moment Jace remembers . He remembers Alec's smile, the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when it’s truly genuine, he remembers the way he says 'I love you' . It feels so warm lying next to him, but Jace gets goosebumps anyway.
“I love you too.”
Alec shivers at the sound of those words, at the naked affection in Jace's eyes as he says them, it takes him somewhere else, to a whole different time where leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to Jace's lips feels like the most natural of things. It feels like coming home, or so Jace thinks as he closes his eyes and kisses back , smelling the wooden attic around them and the fresh snow outside. It doesn't feel like he's kissing the boy he grew up with, but like kissing his soulmate; like something he's been waiting for for much longer.
There's a whimper lodged on the back of Alec's throat begging to be let out as he is kissed back. He waited so long for this, has watched Jace for so long never thinking he could be his. And their kiss is perfect, perfect and painfully familiar, like they've done it a thousand times before, but when Alec pulls back and opens his eyes there's no snow, no attic, just he and Jace lying in his bed at the Institute, with matching smiles that rise straight up from their blooming hearts.
Jace can't remember feeling like this with anyone before and he doesn't want to miss it again. The memories – are they memories? – disappear, and it's just them. Right here, right now. He wants to say how much he loves Alec, but he's just said it before; and surely Alec knows , he has to.
Meanwhile, Alec feels like he should be mortified by the kiss, by what he just did, but he can't bring himself to apologize knowing Jace has kissed him back, knowing he had said he loved him too. “What's happening to us?” he whispers instead, so close that all he can feel is Jace.
“I don't know,” his parabatai tells him, fingers stroking his cheek gently, eyes falling closed as he leans in to brush their lips together once more, just briefly. It feels so familiar . “I feel like.. Like we've done this before. But I know we haven't.” Jace closes his eyes and Alec follows suit, their foreheads pressed together as they cling to each other. “Does that make any sense?”
“It feels like we did,” Alec agrees in a whisper, nodding so closely Jace's hair brushes the side of his face as he does. “It shouldn't make sense but it does.”
He remembers being just like this, pressed so closely he could feel Jace's breath against his lips and keeping his eyes shut tight to keep himself from staring at his lover and speaking his mind. If he did, Alec was sure he would beg him to stay, to please be there when the morning comes because just once he would like to kiss him under the sunlight. Jace says one day they’ll be free to love as they please, but until then.. Until then the attic and this stolen moments were all they had and it had been enough .
“It feels like I loved and lost you,” Jace says, breaking the silence as he looks for Alec in the darkness trying to make out his features. It was such a strange feeling, seeing his parabatai as he always knew him and at the same time seeing someone else, someone different but that was still unarguably him.
Alec feels oddly choked up about it, but whatever this feelings are they are true.
I loved and lost you .. Alec nods, so close Jace can feel him do it even if he wasn’t looking. “I lost you,” Alec admits, “and it was the most terrible thing.”
He has to reach for his lover then, to cup his cheek and stroke his hair, anything to assure himself that this is real and Jace is really there. The pain of losing him feels like a fresh wound, the desperation of knowing he wouldn’t see him again, that the love of his life would assume Alec had abandoned him and the dream of them … “I would never leave you,” he whispers, voice trembling with the raw emotion in it.
When Jace nods Alec feels it against his hand. “We'll live this life together. Like you promised..” he says, remembering his lover’s words, trying not to think of what keeping such vow had cost them.
Surging forward Jace clings to Alec, pressing his eyes closed and hiding his face on the familiar curve of the taller man’s neck, taking shuddering breaths against his pale skin. Alec holds him back in turn, tracing soothing circles on his back and pressing a kiss to Jace’s golden hair.
When he speaks his voice is muffled, but the words are still easily heard inside their little bubble, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” he says. “I tried, I— ”
But Alec is no longer making sense, not to the present, not to the world where they’re not supposed to belong to one another like this, to hold each other, to kiss… There is no attic, no snow falling outside the window of Jace’s room, but the sight of it flickers before their eyes as they speak of broken promises from another time. Memories from another life are coming back with a vengeance and what they reveal is enough to leave them shaken.
Jace shudders against Alec’s chest, the wetness against his thin shirt revealing that his parabatai is crying even before that is made clear by the way he speaks.
“I'm sorry I didn't come back for you..” is the first thing he says, remembering looking for Alec this time not as a dream but a full fledged memory, the desperation he felt then all the more real. “I should have known it wasn't true. He had my ring, the one I gave to you— I thought you'd changed your mind.”
Perhaps in another life , those were young Max’s words, and Jace had no idea how true they would prove, that after he left that day it would take him more than a lifetime to see Alec smile again.
“I never should have doubted you.”
Alec has waited so long to hear those words, he has waited so long for this he doesn’t even realize he’s crying himself, glistening tears making their way down his cheeks as he relives the fateful night that attempted to end their love.
“My mother locked me up.. Izzy found out about us and she told— I swear I tried to get to you,” he sobs, “I swear it, love.”
He had been so angry at them… The whole of his family, the only people he truly loved besides Jace, they had all conspired to destroy them.
“What have they done to you?” Jace asks, feeling his lover’s agony through a bond that simply wasn’t there before.
“They kept me from getting to you.”
And Alec could never forgive them for it.
The flash of anger that courses through Alec at the thought is so strong, so real it makes him blink in confusion, wet eyes staring down at his parabatai in disbelief. What is happening to them?
“Jace?”
And Jace knows that this isn’t normal, that they need to look for help and figure out what’s going on with them, but all he does is reach out to Alec’s cheek gently wiping his tears away as he gazes into those haunting hazel eyes. What he should be doing doesn’t really feel like it matters, not when both of them are right there.
“You’re feeling what I feel, aren’t you? These memories…” Jace’s voice trails off but they both know what he means and Alec nods against the palm of his hand. “I love you,” he says, this time as fully himself, “More than as a parabatai or a brother.”
There’s nothing Alec can say to that, the words bringing a lump to his throat, the feeling behind them strong and true through their bond. I love you too sounds like too small of an answer, too little, and yet if this is all true then not only he does but Jace knows . Alec isn’t sure he knows how to fully deal with that, what he does know is that he loves Jace more than as a parabatai or a brother, he loves him more than those two things combined.. It seems like he always did.
“It feels like it happened a lifetime ago.”
“What if it did?” Jace says, giving voice to what Alec would only dare think of, “I'm so scared – of losing you. I'm always scared of losing you but never like this.”
“What if you did?” Alec asks back, owning up to the dread Jace had not yet allowed himself to believe in, that the dream that has kept him awake wasn’t just a dream. “I have this memory, this moment I keep seeing, where I was trying to get to you and I was so desperate.. like we lost each other, like in your nightmare.”
Jace’s mind is filled with the memory once more, the beautiful tree with its branches covered in white and Alec’s pale form dangling from it’s branches, both looking lifeless.
“You killed yourself .. didn't you?”
There’s no immediate answer, but the question brings up memories Alec didn’t have before, memories of choking and kicking at nothing while struggling for air, of thinking he deserved this after what he had done to his family, that he was sorry for it, that he would never see Jace again.. A hand came up to his own neck without him even noticing, calloused fingers wrapping around his throat, assuring themselves that there was nothing there. It was answer enough, and Jace’s response came in the form of a gentle and lingering kiss, their foreheads pressed together once he stopped not willing to pull away any further.
“I won't let that happen to you again,” Jace promised.
Alec shuddered against him, a fresh set of tears escaping him against his will at the tenderness of his parabatai’s touch and the longing burning inside his chest.
“It won’t happen,” he promised back, “I would never..” At least not again .
And Jace believes him. He nods, cleaning away Alec’s tears once more, smiling as they look at each other despite the gravity of the moment, how can he not when they just did the impossible?
“We found each other again.”
“We did,” Alec smiles at well, feeling like laughing at crying at the same time, like he’s going crazy while nothing has ever felt more real in his entire life.
When Jace suggests they figure this out tomorrow all he can do is nod, sinking back into the pillows and bringing his parabatai along with him, watching as he lays his head on Alec’s chest, right above his heart, Jace’s last words still lingering in his ears.
“ I just want to hear you breathe. ”
The next morning they still lie in a tight embrace and Jace wakes with a heart much lighter than the night before. He is warm and comfortable in Alec’s arms and with a sleepy smile he leans up to place a kiss on his parabatai’s temple. Alec stirs at that, blinking a few times before he finally wakes up and recognizes the face in front of him. “Jonathan?”
“You never call me that..” Jace notices, and it takes Alec a few seconds to understand that they’re not in the attic anymore. The room around him becomes more familiar and the memories of last night come dripping back into his mind, overlapping the memories from another time as he curses softly before apologizing.
Jace shakes his head softly. “They’re still here.. those memories. It wasn’t a dream,” he says, half stating, half questioning.
Alec pulls his eyebrows together and nods. He knows this is a reason to be concerned, but his mood feels hard to dim this morning. In time they will have to see a warlock about this
memories
, perhaps even the silent brothers. Alec doesn’t want to think about it, for once, but it feels more and more inevitable to do so and Jace is immediately worried as he points it out.
“We can’t tell anyone about this— you know we’re breaking the law right now, Alec.” And of course Alec knows. How could he forget? It feels a little ironic that it is Jace who brings up these concerns now when Alec is the one who spent half his life worrying about this very law, but just as fast as the worry came to his parabatai it fades into nothing.
Jace’s expression becomes distant as he looks at Alec for a long moment. His lips spread in a soft smile and he leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead before pushing back the sheets and climbing out of bed. Goosebumps dance all over his skin as he walks over to the window and opens it, letting in a wave of cool morning air.
“I thought we could decorate the tree today, it’s so..” Jace begins but stops mid-sentence, the words turning to ice in his mouth. He looks outside, sees high buildings and streets filled with cars. He reaches up, a hand covering his lips. “I could have sworn..”
Alec’s heart aches at the sight of his confusion and he gets up to follow him. He reaches for Jace’s hand that’s still holding the window frame and squeezes it tightly as he looks for something, anything to take that tint of pain away from his beloved’s face. “Do you want to go to the park?” he asks gently.
Jace looks at him as he speaks, confused and lost but still he nods. “Yes.. I’d like that.” Alec tugs at his hand, pulling him away from the window. “Come. Let’s get changed, love.” There is so much affection in Alec’s voice that it makes Jace’s heart flutter. He can’t help but smile when Alec calls him love and there is no resistance in his steps when he goes with him.
They’re still in Jace’s room and Alec has to leave to get dressed, but even this short separation feels like too much when they took so long to find each other again. Jace stands as close to Alec as he can, unwilling to be separated from him just yet. “I won’t be long,” Alec promises and leans down to kiss him softly.
Jace smiles. “Don’t go without me,” he pleads as he turns to leave, holding on to Alec’s had as long as possible.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Alec smiles as he leaves with warm eyes that take a moment to get back into focus as he hurries out.
They meet again in Alec’s room a few minutes later, each of them wearing rather inconspicuous clothes. Jace has refrained from wearing his usual leather jacket and is comfortable in a large black pullover instead while Alec is just pulling on what has to be the only non-black jacket in his whole closet along with a scarf. It can look just a little off-kilter, for those that know them, but their hearts feel light back in another time and the clothes they choose are a reflection of it.
Jace feels strangely giddy, considering he is only going to the park with Alec— something he has done a million times before, but this is different .
It is hard not to hold Alec’s hand on the way out of the institute and Jace finds himself wishing they didn’t have to hide like this. Not anymore . As soon as they are far enough from the institute he can’t stop himself and reaches for him. Alec’s fingers enlace his right away, the touch almost eager for it, despite how worried he should be about doing this so openly. Anyone could see them.
“I’ve always wanted to do this..” Alec admits, squeezing Jace’s hand a little.
Jace turns his head to look at him. “Are you as happy as I am?”
In response Alec smiles, his chest overflowing with love that is stronger than all of his concerns. “I am happier than I can ever remember being.”
It feels like the answer Jace was waiting for, and he tugs a little at Alec’s hand and pulls him closer, to lean against him as they walk along the sidewalk towards Central Park. “You’re all I need in this life, Alec.”
“So are you, my love,” Alec says and Jace knows it’s true.
Alec runs his thumb over the side of Jace’s hand in a soft caress as he slowly leads them into the park. It’s still early and there aren’t many people there yet, except for a few joggers and couples walking their dogs. Jace’s heart aches when he realizes he wants to be just like them: allowed to love Alec openly, no matter where they are.
He looks ahead at the splendor of mother nature and breathes in audibly. “The park is beautiful this time of the year,” he says quietly.
Alec grins. “I thought you might like it. You always loved the gardens best, even more than I did.”
“How could I not? You are always there.” Jace answers him with a quick little wink.
“Always the charmer, are you?”
Jace chuckles but smiles at Alec, gently nudging him with his shoulder. “I mean it.”
“I know you do. It only makes you more charming.” Alec means to add something else when Jace suddenly pulls him behind a large oak tree and pushes him against it hard enough to take his breath away. Before Alec has time to say anything Jace is kissing him, gently and desperately all at once. Alec’s hands find their way to Jace’s sides and he pulls him against himself, eagerly returning the kiss, full of love in his reverent touch.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispers between kisses, and the words hardly manage to express the longing he’s felt in his heart. “Nobody will separate us again. I swear to you,” Jace promises, his gaze both soft and stubborn. Alec’s hands move up to his face and he cups his cheeks, his thumbs stroking over Jace’s soft skin as he gets lost in his eyes and nods, the same promise lingering at the tip of his tongue.
“Never again.”