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Practice was over for the day, and it was pretty intense.
The choreography for Cheer Up wasn’t as strenuous as their last comeback, but since Chaeyoung kept messing up quite a bit, she had to put in more effort than the rest.
The girls had been practicing for hours, and the clock said 10:25 pm when they decided to end for the day. A quick discussion was held about dinner, and since everyone was exhausted & cooking seemed like a chore at that time, they decided to eat out for the night. Chaeyoung’s request for pasta was turned down, however the unanimous decision to get barbecue didn’t sound that bad either.
They had to freshen up first, because half the girls were drenched in their own sweat, mainly Momo who looked like she had just ran across the country. The smaller girl managed to dodge a hug from the sweatier girl, which made Momo pucker her lips into a pout, but the betrayal was quickly forgotten when Sana returned the hug instead.
Chaeyoung flopped down onto the nearest vacant sofa she could find, her eyes and mind began to wander as soon as her head hit the soft arm of cushion.
Sana had hug-tackled Momo onto the floor, tickling the older girl as they both rolled around and filled the room with their high pitched giggles. Dumb and Dumber, as the girls called them, were now in their own little world. From the corner of her eye, Jeongyeon talking to a smiley Tzuyu could be seen. Chaeyoung knew that smile. It was the smile she had when she was being praised by one of the older girls. Even though the youngest liked to pretend that she didn’t like the affection, a little head pat from Jeongyeon, telling her that she did great today, was enough to make Tzuyu feel giddy inside. She felt all giddy like the child she was. Nayeon was being her usual loud self, laughing at something Dahyun was showing her on her phone. They were sitting against the mirror of the practice room, with their legs intertwined.
Her eyes were beginning to flutter close, but the sudden dip from one edge of the sofa made them shoot open. They opened up to the sight of Mina, Mina who was looking down and smiling at her with the most reassuring gaze. She put her hand on Chaeyoung’s forehead, motioning for her to close them and go back into her previous state of rest. And that she did.
Chaeyoung closed her eyes, letting out a sigh.
Even though she was tired, it wasn’t a drained sigh. It was a peaceful one, because whenever she closed her eyes nowadays, nothing would make her anxious anymore. Back in her Sixteen days, she could never go to sleep or rest her eyes without some kind of nervousness eating away at her. As soon as she spent a single second thinking about not making it into the final lineup, it would slowly keep chipping away at her until she couldn’t sleep anymore. Some nights she would take refuge in Momo’s bed, the Japanese girl would hug her until she could let go her of her thoughts and drift off into sleep. Other nights, when she didn’t want to bother Momo, she stayed up all night and drew. She drew because that’s what she did best, and she would wonder if it would’ve been best if she stuck to being an artist.
Momo would find her the next morning, curled up next to a tear stained piece of drawing paper.
And now, in moments like this, she didn’t have those doubts anymore. She felt calm because she felt like she was home. The girls made her feel like she was home, they were her home. Right when her mind was about to slip away completely, Jihyo’s booming voice brought her back into consciousness again.
"Girls! Get over here, the show is about to start any minute now. We promised Somi that'd we'd watch it.”
Watch what? Chaeyoung wondered as she walked over to peer over her leader’s shoulder. Jihyo’s phone was emitting a sound she recognized almost immediately. Produce 101. We promised to watch it for Somi.
Somi. Her best friend during Sixteen. Well, former best friend would be a more suitable term now. They still talked but they weren’t as close as they used to be. Twice had constant promotions and by the time they got some free time, Somi was already planning to go into another survival show. She remembered the day Somi talked to her about joining Produce. Chaeyoung was supportive of her decision, like the good friend she was, but she also felt sorry for the girl. She knew Somi wanted something permanent to call her home like the one Chaeyoung already had.
The girls huddled around the phone, their managers recording their reaction to post on YouTube later. Albeit all the rivalry that happened during Sixteen, all of them were supportive of the trainee, and it showed on their faces when Somi appeared on the screen. Throughout the whole video, Chaeyoung had the brightest smile on her face.
“….. And please support our trainee, Somi! Somi, we’re rooting for you!” Jihyo finished as the managers stopped recording. Now, it was time to go to dinner. The girls packed up, Momo already done and happily skipping across the room, while the rest followed suit.
“Hey, guys? How about you go ahead first? I think I want to practice some more, I’ll be at the barbecue place in 20 minutes.” Jihyo piped up. The rest of the girls complied; none of them really had the energy to ask why. Mina and Chaeyoung were the last ones to leave the practice room, Mina staying back to enquire if Jihyo needed anyone to stay with her.
“No, I’ll be fine. Just going over some steps in the choreography again so I can have a better idea of them the next time we practice. Now go join the others, you know how whiney they get when they’re starving.” Jihyo sounded adamant, and Mina could only give her a nod and one of her weary smiles before she left the room, taking Chaeyoung with her.
Jihyo’s smile was reassuring. From an outsider’s perspective you couldn’t tell if she was trying to hide something.
Chaeyoung wasn’t an outsider, however. When Mina’s conversation with Jihyo played out, the girl quietly noted that Jihyo was putting up a front for them; waiting for them to leave so she could do something.
Now, Chaeyoung wasn’t one to be nosy, the girl highly respected the idea of privacy and personal space, but something was bothering her. What was Jihyo trying to hide?
The girls were pretty open with each other now. They fought, they shared their feelings, they cried, they made up and that’s how it always went. So why would Jihyo be hiding something?
The more her mind pondered about this, the more it made her feel uneasy. So, in that moment, a decision formed in the smaller girl’s head.
“Mina? I think… I left my headphones in the practice room. I’ll go get them, but you don’t have to wait up for me, I know you’re tired and probably want some food in your belly right now.”
“Are you sure, Chaeng? It’s pretty late and all the managers are with the other members…”
“I’m a big girl now, you know? And the barbecue place is nearby anyways, I’ll try my best not to get jumped.” Chaeyoung finished, causing Mina to giggle.
“Alright, don’t take too long; bring Jihyo with you if you can. See you at the barbecue, Chae.”
And with that, Chaeyoung started backtracking to the practice room. She made sure to be quiet because she wanted to peek in and figure out what Jihyo was hiding from them.
For someone who respects privacy so much I sure am the biggest hypocrite right now. But I guess all’s fair in love and war.
A few steps away from the door and she heard a faint, continuous hum coming from the practice room. Muffled sobs. Jihyo was crying. She peaked through the gap of the door and there Jihyo was, hunched over one of the railings. Her back was turned to Chaeyoung, but her puffed out, tear stained cheeks were enough proof to establish that she had been crying pretty hard. Her hushed sobs were getting louder, so Jihyo couldn’t hear when Chaeyoung came up from behind her. Without a word, the smaller girl enveloped her into the biggest hug she could master, catching the older girl off guard.
“C-Chaeyoung? I thought you left already, with Mina? What are you doing her-“ Jihyo broke off from the hug and turned around, managing to stammer out her words in between her sobs.
Being caught by surprise like that, her defense mechanisms were up and running again. She tried backing away from Chaeyoung, hiding her face since she didn’t want to feel so… so impotent in front of the girl who looked at her with such high standards.
Chaeyoung was small but she was strong. She worked out with Momo at their make-shift gym, but essentially focused on her arms more. And all the effort she put into developing her “guns”, as she termed them, paid off when she pulled Jihyo back into her without much struggle. Her hands grabbed at her waist, her embrace firm yet soft. For a few seconds, Jihyo was puzzled and panicky – her head felt clouded, everything happened too fast and she couldn’t register what was happening.
So, her initial reaction was to wriggle out of Chaeyoung’s grip. It didn’t work, however, but Jihyo was still squirming for a good 2 minutes. When she registered that trying to break free wasn’t going to happen, she stopped moving. She gave into it, hugging back Chaeyoung.
Her head landed on Chaeyoung’s shoulder, her sobs from earlier resuming their steady rhythm as a hand rubbed up and down her back, trying to calm her down.
“Jihyo? What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
Jihyo’s head was turned away from the younger girl, and there was no response for the next few minutes. Only sniffles and her hands tightening their grip around Chaeyoung’s back. As if they were about to lose her or something.
“I won’t understand if you don’t tell me. Do you trust me?”
Chaeyoung’s hands left Jihyo’s sides, wrapping around her damp cheeks instead. She positioned her face so that those big, round jewels of hers would be looking into her own eyes.
“I’ll ask again – do you trust me, Jihyo?”
She sniffled, then gave a tiny nod. “Yeah.”
“Then you’ll tell me what’s bothering you.”
Wordlessly, Jihyo’s hold on Chaeyoung loosened, plopping down onto the ground and motioning for Chaeyoung to do the same. Chaeyoung obliged.
Her hands found Chaeyoung’s and intertwined their fingers, pulling them closer into her lap.
“Well… we were watching Somi on that show and... it brought back some memories. Not the nice ones. Do you remember the one versus one battle? The day we had to pick someone to go up against on Sixteen?”
“Honestly, I really couldn’t forget. That was the first time I was demoted to Minor and I had to battle…. you.”
“I never really got to talk to you about it afterwards, with Momo getting eliminated and all. God, it was eating me up for so long and I didn’t know how to bring it up… or when to bring it up. None of us really like to be reminded of that period in time.”
Chaeyoung didn’t know how to respond to that. She lifted her eyebrows up curiously, encouraging Jihyo to go on. She had a feeling she already knew what the issue was.
“Chaeyoung did you… after I picked you for that battle… did you think I hated you? You said, on the interview, that you thought that I wanted you to be moved down to Minor.”
And Chaeyoung was right; she did know what the issue was about.
She couldn’t deny Jihyo’s allegation though. Sixteen was a confusing time for all of them. They could spend one night laughing and being the kids they were, and the next morning they’d have to act like they were rivals that wanted each other dead. Even back then, Jihyo was a mother figure to the girls. She had the most competence to be a leader, and Chaeyoung admired her for that heavily. All that came crashing down when the battle happened though.
That night, Chaeyoung had a lot of questions on her mind. Does she hate me? Was it something I did? I mean, why did she pick me, out of all people? She wanted me to be demoted to Minor… but why? Sixteen year old, tear eyed Chaeyoung then resolved to thinking that Jihyo truly did hate her after that day, it was an easier thing for her naïve little mind to accept at that time. With the debut and promotions, she forgot all about that, and never got around to find an answer for the unresolved conflict between her and Jihyo.
“I did. I was really hurt that day, I didn’t consider the fact that we were in a competition and that you were more or less obliged to do what you did. Is that what you were crying about?”
Jihyo’s sniffling had died down but a few snivels could still be heard in the silence of the room. “I’m sorry. I know I’m saying this too late but I’m sorry for that day. I love you so much, you know that? That night I went to bed thinking about how you must have felt when I called up your name like that… it felt like betrayal, didn’t it?”
It did feel like betrayal. At least to sixteen year old Chaeyoung it did.
“I wish it never happened either, and as cliché as this sounds, I think we’re here today because of that. If that day never happened, maybe I would’ve never been in the final lineup. Maybe I wouldn’t have been known you and the girls like I do today… maybe I would’ve never found home. So, I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago, so… you kind of look like a loser crying over it now, by the way.”
Jihyo laughed at that, loudly.
Her face mastered up the biggest smile, and she pulled Chaeyoung closer to her. She gently yanked her into her lap, allowing the younger girl’s legs to wrap around her waist and her head to find its place in the crook of Jihyo’s neck.
Jihyo’s lap was practically accessible for all eight of the girls. Sometimes it was Sana’s favorite place, and other times Momo liked to hog it when she felt like being pampered. But for tonight, it was only exclusive to Chaeyoung. She cuddled further into her current favorite spot, almost melting into the soft embrace Jihyo had her in.
In a few minutes, when they joined the rest of Twice, she would go back to being one of the youngest members and main rapper.
But for now, she was a baby. Jihyo’s baby.