Second Chance

I struggled with the bags over to my car, clutching one tight against my chest and the others balancing precariously on my fingertips, swaying in the breeze.
The muscles in my jaw contracted as the icy air gnawed at the skin on my nose and I stumbled slightly through the snow on the pavement, trying to avoid the obvious ice patches.
I tried my best to weave my way through the absent-minded group of people walking by, catching glimpses of the layers of crystal ice over shop windows.
The sparkling glazing caught me off guard and didn’t watch where I was going, slipping and falling into the snow, my bags scattering everywhere.
Sat on the ground crossed legged I put my head in my hands and groaned. My day was just a shit show from beginning to end, first my room at my hotel ends up still being occupied, then I lose my phone, and now this.
“You alright there?” A low voice from behind startled me and I turned my head to see a man dressed in a uniform of some kind, with a neatly trimmed beard and a blue beanie.
“Matt Rayburn. No fucking way.” I shook my head in disbelief and rose to my feet, dusting the clumped snow off of my backside. I watched him from under my fringe, hands on my hips as the realisation crossed his face.
“Leah? Gosh it's been so long. Like what, ten years or something?” He smiles and lets out a warm laugh, pulling me in for a hug without any warning. I giggled into the fabric of his coat and squeezed my arms around his ribcage. I pull back, still holding his arms and take a long look at him.
He looks a little older, but he definitely is still as smoking hot as ever. The tip of his nose is pink against the cold and his eyes are crinkled up from grinning widely at me. Butterflies flit around in my stomach and in my mind I’m laughing. This is exactly what it was like when I first met him, awkward smiles and inquisitive looks tied together with the quickened beating of my nervous heart.
Now it feels more like old friends meeting again, but we were never just friends.
“Eleven actually. Wow, how’re you doing? You look fantastic by the way. Love the beard.” I reach out and tenderly stroke his jaw. He laughs again, the gravelly sound of his voice warming me from the inside out.
“Thank you. I’m actually working at an oil company, and well the beard just accidentally grew but I got used to it. How are you? Still working at that agency?” He inquired, leaning forward with his hands in his pockets and looking at me with that same old look that made my heart skip a beat.
I laughed and shook my head. The agency was toxic, and it had caused a lot of problems for me. Most of them resulting in pushing away my friends and family.
And even Matt.
“Oh no I quit that long ago. I was trying to co-manage my own bar, but that went bust and now I’m just kind of cruising. That’s how I ended up here, doing a spot of travelling. You live here now?” I tilted my head to one side and furrowed my brows, “I thought you hated the cold.”
Matt smiles at me and scratches his beard. He’s pondering his next comment, watching me with interest.
“Yeah well, after I got out of the navy I just wanted to be somewhere cold and isolated. It’s weird isn’t it?”
He’s chuckling, finding this all too funny. And I have to admit that I am too. It was a bizarre turn of events, me kind of running from my past only to run headfirst into it again.
“Sure is,” I sigh and watch my breath disappear. “So are you seeing anyone?” I tentatively asked, wincing at the question once I said it.
“No, no, no. Had a bad break up a couple of years ago and never really got over it.” Matt bites his lip and looks at me, rocking back and forth on his heels. I can tell immediately he’s referring to me, and it hurts way too much to think about.
“Huh. She sounds like a bitch.” I smiled painfully at him, recounting the memories of the fight we had and the hurtful things we said to each other. I wished more than anything to take it all back, but unfortunately time doesn’t work like that.
“She sure was. Just on the night we broke up anyway.” Matt stares at his feet and everything goes silent.
“If it makes you feel better, I never had a proper relationship after us. No one ever seemed to... click with me. Not the way you did.” I sighed and swallowed the stabbing feeling in my throat.
“Yeah, same for me.” Matt admits it, almost regretfully. A brief flicker of pain flashing across his face.
“What happened Matt? How did we let each other drift so far apart?” The emotion was thick in my tone and my voice almost cracked. I was almost annoyed at myself for bringing it up, and so quickly at that, reopening old wounds was never something I usually did.
“I don’t know Leah.” He watches me with a forlorn expression.
There is silence again and we just kind of stare at each other, not fully knowing whether to speak or not. Every attempt to make conversation just dies in my chest and I chew the inside of my cheek.
Matt clears his throat. “How about I help you with your shopping first. And then we can go out for lunch or something?” He cracks a smile and takes a step towards me, and I look at the ground and chuckle.
“Yeah that sounds good. You know anywhere that sells decent coffee?”
“I have a place in mind.”
“Awesome.” I reach down and pick up my shopping, and Matt helps me, a smile playing on his lips.
I open the boot of my car and throw everything in, letting out a puff of air at my efforts. Matt hauls in the bags and we stop for a minute and he shoots me a smile, slamming the boot shut.
“Do burgers sound good to you?”
“Are you kidding? I’m always in the mood for a burger.” I lock my car and link my arm with Matts, he chuckles and we walk leisurely down the path.
I leant my head on Matts shoulder and smiled, feeling like I’d found my way home. Matt always felt that way to me, like where I was supposed to be. And finding him again was like a sign for me, and I was determined no to let him go any time soon.
Matt found a burger bar, the whole thing smelt of grease and oil, but I loved it. The warmth and yellow lighting was welcoming and so were the people. They greeted me with smiles and greeted Matt with hugs. It seemed to me that he was here a lot. If that didn’t say something about Matt’s social life, I don’t know what did.
He grabbed a booth by the window and I watched in fascination as people drove by in heavy duty trucks packing snow mobiles, droplets of icy water rolling down windshields and flying off of windows.
“So a you opened a bar huh? Doesn’t sound like you at all. You always disliked obnoxious drunks.” Matt dips a fry in ketchup and raises an eyebrow at me.
“Yeah well I didn’t really have much of an option for stuff after I quit. My partner was one of my friends and we had both lost our jobs, so we thought, fuck it. Ltes open a bar. And of course he was an ass and ended up gambling all of the funds away. Don’t really know what I expected to happen to be honest.” I sighed and took a sip of my coffee.
“I mean, it did lead you to me again, so I’m not gonna complain.” Matt flashes me a smile and takes a big bite out his burger, ketchup dripping from the corner of his mouth.
“You have a little...” I awkwardly gestured to his face and Matt looks at me, confused. I reach out and wipe the sauce from his mouth and, licking it off of my finger. Matt watches me with infatuation, running his tongue over the corner of his mouth where my finger was.
I smiled at him and patted his hand out on the table.
“You never really knew how to eat something without making a damn mess of yourself. You’re like a child,” I teased, smirking at him.
“Yeah, remember that chilli hotdog in California? I took one damn bite and the whole thing spills down my shirt.” Matt recalls the memory fondly, his eyes flitting over my features.
“And I couldn’t stop laughing. Everyone was looking at us, but that just encouraged us to keep laughing.” I start giggling just thinking about it.
“I still could never quite understand why you found it so funny anyway.” Matt chuckles and rubs his beard.
“It was your face. You just looked down at the mess on your shirt and your face was just absolutely priceless. You knew you fucked up.” I smiled widely and watched him shuffle in his seat.
“I always had a way of fucking things up.”
“Are we talking about our relationship again?”
“I’m sorry I keep bringing it up, it’s just all I can think about when I’m talking to you.” Matt sheepishly stirs his coffee, biting on his lower lip.
“No it’s fine. I get it. All I can think about right now is those nights we spent drinking spiced rum at the beach and having wild sex in the back of your car. Well, about as wild as you can get in the back seat of a truck.” I watched him with a smug smile as he takes a sip of his drink.
Matt chokes on his coffee and struggles to breathe, wiping his mouth and laughing at me, the tips of his ears turning pink.
“You really... you really took a turn with that one.” He mumbles nervously and glances at me.
“What? You thought I was going to recount a sad memory? No way Rayburn, think again,” I paused and pursed my lips, drumming my fingers on the table, “I mean, if you wanna talk about the break up we can.”
Matt’s eyes move slowly from the table up to meet mine and there’s just something about him that makes me want to open up completely. I would always end up doing it anyway, Matt listening with intent to my every word.
“You really shattered my heart you know. I woke up that following morning, so distraught and in so much physical pain I thought I was dying.” I fiddled anxiously with my napkin and blinked away the stinging tears in my eyes. Matt’s face went slack and he stared at the table, taking in quick breaths and wiping his nose.
“I had the same feeling as well.” He croaked, looking at me with a sorrowful expression.
“So then why didn’t you call me?” I asked softly, tentatively reaching out to brush my fingers against his.
“I thought you made it clear you didn’t want any contact from me.” Matt grasps my hand in his and lets out a glum sigh.
“I did at first. But then I so desperately wanted to hear from you. And I did come over to your house to apologise, make up for every hurtful thing I said to you. But when I got there, you were gone and I couldn’t contact you. I... assumed the worst. That you moved on or even moved away and never wanted to see me again. I was too scared to try and find you, I didn’t want to be rejected...” I trailed off, my voice a hoarse whisper. A tear rolls down my cheek and Matt reaches out to wipe it away, caressing my face.
His gentle eyes stare into mine and I feel like he can see inside my soul. Like I was bearing everything for him to see, naked and deeply afraid.
“Oh god Leah. I’m so sorry. I- I didn’t think that you came back. I moved out, back to my hometown for a bit. I was struggling so hard with everything, and I wanted to be somewhere familiar. I had no idea... Leah I’m so sorry-“ Matts voice falters I and smile reassuringly at him, but I feel like I’m pretending because my heart is aching.
“Matt stop. It’s not your fault. We both should have tried to contact each other.”
“Leah, I feel terrible. If I hadn’t moved you would have come over and-“
“No Matt, don’t do that. Don’t beat yourself up over something that we should have both made an effort with.”
Matt nods and wipes his nose with his free hand.
“Jesus Matt, look at us. A couple of blubbering exes in a burger joint in the middle of fucking nowhere.” I let out a constricted laugh and watch with delight as Matts face lightens up, and he lets out a chuckle.
“You’re right. What would your mother think of us?”
“My mother would probably say that I should have married you when I had the chance because happiness is fleeting, and so are men.” I joked and clutched his hand tighter as he grinned at me.
“Married me huh?”
“Oh yeah. When I told my mom I broke up with you she was outraged. Told me what an idiot I was.”
“Sounds like your mom.” Matt sighs and glances down to look at our hands, tightly intertwined with each other.
Theres a brief moment where we both look at each other and it takes me right back to years ago, when I first met Matt. An energetic marine, full of life and hope.
Now we were years older, the time taking its toll on us. Matt looked tired and I suspected he didn’t want to live here.
Knowing Matt, he probably felt like he didn’t belong anywhere and instead settled for this suffocating town, isolated from life and people, feeling like he couldn’t go anywhere else.
I felt that way too, I had lost my purpose. Life had lost its appeal to me and I needed something to keep me going.
For that moment, I wanted nothing more than to read his mind, to see his thoughts and feel them. To understand him again, to know him and his aspirations.
I felt lost, disconnected and I knew he was too.
Somewhere in me, a spark grew and I longed for him to be mine again, to hold him in my arms and reassure him everything would be fine.
“Hey Matt?”
“Yeah?” He looks at me with surprise, as if I had interrupted his thoughts.
“Do you want to... try this again? Dating? I know it’s soon, but it just seems like we both miss each other and why not try and see if this will work?” I anxiously awaited his response, agonising over the possibility that he might reject me.
Matts smile widens hugely and his eyes crinkle up.
“Of course. I have always loved you, Leah. And I don’t think I ever stopped. Not for one minute.”
Matt seems to grow excited, his chest rising and falling as he watches me with anticipation.
I struggle to get the next few words out, worried that I’m still saying the wrong thing or the universe is really going to pull the rug out from under me and this would all be a dream.
“I love you too.” I smile at him, my heart leaping for joy in my chest and I grapple with the idea of jumping over the table to kiss him right there and then.
Matt kisses my hand, his eyes closing and savouring the moment. I do too, treasuring his expression as best as I can.

Two weeks later- my hotel room
I snuggled further into Matts chest, burying my face into the crook of his neck, my face brushing against his beard.
“Mm I sure do love this.” I murmured, kissing his scruffy jaw.
“Me too.” Matt smirks and closes his eyes. I trace patterns on his chest and Matt lets out a contented sigh.
“You haven’t got work or anything have you?”
Matt winces and curls up his lip.
“Why do you have to ruin the moment like that?” He turns his head to face me and the corners of his mouth turn up, his eyes crinkling in the dimly lit room.
“Sorry. I was just wondering, don’t want you to disappear on me again.” I tapped his nose and grinned at him.
“I don’t have to work until tomorrow morning. It’s my day off. So you have me all to yourself.” Matt teases, kissing my forehead.
“Thats what I like to hear.”
I lay in bliss for minutes, watching Matt drift in and out of consciousness with a smile on my face. I can’t seem to stop smiling lately, being around Matt again makes me feel whole and I haven’t felt like that in a long time.
“Matt,” I say gingerly, stroking the side of his face gently.
“Yes Leah?” Matt murmurs, turning his face towards yours.
“Do you like your job? Do you like... living here?” I bite my lip and avoid Matts eyes, continuing to trace lines on his chest.
“Why do you ask that?” Matt says, confused. He puts his hand under my head and tilts my gaze to meet his.
“Just... it seems so sad here. So isolated. And I have watched you over the past few weeks, and I can’t tell if you’re happy or not...” I trail off, my voice growing quieter and quieter.
Matt scrunches up his nose, deep in thought, considering my points. He lets out an exasperated sigh and presses a tender kiss to my lips and rests his face directly in front of mine, so that I can feel his breath hot on my cheek.
“I guess... when I think about it... maybe I’m not happy? I never really gave it any consideration before. When you arrived though, that has been the first time in ages when I felt joy. When I moved here, I didn’t really expect anything. I wasn’t even thinking. I was just doing. Just something to make me feel like I was living. Is that too much of a midlife crisis response?” He tries to lighten the mood with a self- deprecating joke, but I look past it. I rest my hand on the side of his face, stroking my thumb across his cheek.
“Of course not. Matt... if you don’t feel happy here, then you don’t have to stay. We can go anywhere we want and travel like we always wanted to do. We have the time now, and I’ve saved up for ages, waiting for the right time to leave. And now seems as good a time as any. Lets go and see the world.” I propped myself up on my elbows and grinned at him, excitement welling up inside me, threatening to burst.
He laughs and sits up, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest to kiss my hair.
“That sounds amazing. I would love to, but...” he pulls back, his hands gripping the sides of my face, “would you really do that for me? I don’t have a lot of money so you’d probably pay for me for most of it.” He looks concerned, and my heart goes out for him.
“Matt, I love you. I would do anything to make you happy and if paying for you to go to France with me is what it takes, then I will do it. I promise.” I smile at him and he smiles back, his eyes welling up and he pulls my face closer to his. He kisses me deeply, wrapping his arms around my waist, his hands trailing up my back, scrunching up the ends of my hair in his hands.
I let my hands grip the back of his head, my fingers curling around locks of his hair, moving my lips against his and brushing my face against his beard.
We pull away from each other and I bite my lip.
“So, where to first?”

Four years later- December in rural Italy
“Matt! What did you do with the Christmas CDs from last year?” I call out behind me in our house, placing my hands on my hips and impatiently waiting for his response.
“Mm, I thought you had them last Mrs.Rayburn?” Matt come up behind me, snaking his arms around my waist, nuzzling my neck with his bearded face.
I giggle and place my hand on his face, leaning my head into his touch.
I still can’t get over the fact we were married, it’s been eight months, but I still get a shiver of excitement every time he calls me his wife.
“No, I vividly remember you said that you had put them in the cabinet or something, but they’re not there.” I pout in worry, I want this Christmas to be as perfect as possible.
Matt moved round to my side, one hand still on my hip. He frowns at me and tilts his head.
“Are you upset? You just seem more emotional recently.”
“No I- it’s just that one of them had our old Christmas mix on it and I don’t want to lose it.”
“I’m sure it’s around here somewhere.” Matt smiles at me and kisses my cheek.
“Is that all you’re worried about?”
“Yeah, thats- thats it.” My muscles tense up in my body and Matt notices, glancing at me cautiously.
“Are you sure?” Matts eyebrows furrow and he searches my face.
“Yeah.” I lick my lips anxiously and avert my eyes from his face. Matt can tell something is up and he can’t help but inquire as to whats going on.
“No somethings wrong, you haven’t seemed yourself recently, are you annoyed with me? Did I do something to upset you?”
“What? No. I, well, theres a... thing with the...” I got more and more frustrated, barely able to contain myself any longer.
“C’mon, if you’re hiding something you can tell me. I know when you’re lying and you’ve barely made eye contact with me recently. Just tell me Leah.” Matt reaches out to hold my hand and I relax under his grip.
“I was going to wait to tell you this until Christmas day, but...” I pause and breath in deeply, “Matt I’m pregnant.”
Matts face changes, lighting up and tears begin to well up and he hugs me so tightly I feel like I might burst. I laugh and rub circles into Matts back, inhaling the scent of pine from his hair.
He pulls away from me, holding the sides of my face gently. He’s grinning ear to ear, happiness basically radiating off of him.
“How far along?” he whispers, crying happy tears, and by this point I’m crying too.
“About six weeks. I wanted to wait until I knew for sure that it would carry through. Matt, I couldn’t believe it when I found out. We tried for so long, and I thought it would never happen-“ Matt cuts me off and kisses me, running his hands through my hair, and I’m smiling as he’s doing so, so full of delight that I feel like I’m buzzing.
We stand there, crying for a couple of minutes, gripping each other tightly. We wanted a baby for so long and it was finally becoming a reality and I felt like I was floating. This new life was where I was meant to be, in this moment with Matt and nothing else mattered.
The lights glittered around us, the warmth from the small crackling fire wrapping me up and the smell from the cinnamon candles carried in the air.
Matt has forehead pressed against mine, a smile tightly lining his lips and I wipe away a stray tear.
All I can think about is holding our little bundle of joy in my arms, with Matt by my side, basking in the glow of the hospital light. Having everything I love and need with me.
I kiss his nose and he brushes my hair from my face, his lips parting.
“I love you so damn much Leah. And I promise, with every fibre of my being to protect you and our child.” Matt places his hand on my stomach and looks at me with adoration.
I blink quickly in the light and put my hand on his.
“I promise that too Matt. I love you to the ends of the earth and back babe.”
Church bells ring softly in the distance and we stand with our arms wrapped around each other, watching the Christmas lights twinkle and imagining our bright and happy future together.