Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So we’re joined by Aomine-kun. We don’t know who he is, he was here already when we showed up-“ The camera zooms in on Aomine’s offended face, changing the letters on his shirt to read “super mad” and air horns blast and the screen changes colours and flips around. “-But Aomine-kun claims he can make any shot. Are you ready for the challenge, Aomine-kun?”

“I’ll beat anything you throw at me!”

“Alright Aomine-kun. The shot you have to pull off today is… for my heart.”

“What?”

“Make a shot for my heart.”

“You- uhh..” The screen fades into pink hues, a heartbeat thumps away quietly, there is a slow motion effect in place. A hard cut back to the previous settings. “You have beautiful eyes?”

“Ohh, and you missed! Sorry Aomine-kun, you failed. Nice knowing you, bye!” Kagami shouts over his shoulder as he frantically walks away from the court, keeping a shot on Aomine over his shoulder.

“What the- Hey! Get back here!”

The screen cuts off.

////

“Hey guys, it’s alternative basketball and today we’re going to find out if a basketball can experience love.”

The screen cuts to Kagami on a date with a basketball, sharing a life with a basketball, having kids with a basketball, getting divorced from a basketball, sitting on the floor of an empty house.

Then it’s a close up of Kagami, crying and snottering. “So today we found out basketball is a cold, emotionless BITCH that will take everything in the divorce and take the kids and move back in with their mom.”

///

“Hey guys, it’s alternative basketball and today we’re going to fucking die.”

The camera cuts to Aomine jumping off a ledge into a pool of basketballs.
The camera cuts back to Kagami. “So uhh, we figured, basketballs are bouncy. What if they work sort of like a trampoline? So we got all these balls and filled this pool with it. We tried bouncing a table off it but.. It sorta.. Got swallowed by the basketball void? It’s with the goddess of basketball now.”

The footage of the table getting thrown and swallowed follows, with a filter and sad music, and shows Aomine and Kagami praying for it.
“So, now it’s time for us to meet her too, I guess.”

Kuroko holds the camera as Kagami and Aomine argue, unaware they’re being filmed.
“I don’t want to go first! What if I die! People will miss me! You go first!”
“What? You saying people won’t miss me!”
“I’m saying more people will be glad that it was you and not me!”
“What’s that supposed to mean!”
“That you have a shit attitude!”
“Whatever, you wimp. I’ll go first. Idiot.”
“Aomine wait! If you die, can I have your Jordans?”

A more professional shot of Aomine running towards the edge and jumping off. There’s a loud thump, an even louder groan and then silence. The camera zooms in on Kagami’s side-profile.
“Aomine will be dearly missed.”
A cry from below cuts the sad music away. “I lived, bitch!”
“Survive this next!” Kagami shouts as he jumps from the ridge, too.

///

“Hey guys, it’s alternative basketball and today we’re entering the zone.”

The screen cuts to Kuroko explaining the zone with self-made drawings at pre-school level. “Aomine-kun was nice enough to provide a visual.” Kuroko explains. “The zone is a state of intense focus that some basketball players experience during game. It cuts out all unnecessary thought and allows them to focus solely on their play.”

The screen cuts to Aomine and Kagami is a grocery store. They’re just standing there looking at items at first, but suddenly the air is visibly more tense. It’s clear the mood has shifted and somehow, racing around the store and dropping items in the cart feels like a life-or-death battle. They race to the check out line and people in front of them actually disperse as soon as they come into view. The cashier is sweating and shaking as she asks, “Cash or credit?”

///

“Hey guys it’s alternative basketball and today we’re preparing a meal.”

It’s an ordinary instructional cooking video. Kagami explains the steps of making a dish while Aomine sits in the living room and occasionally makes a few comments off camera. “And now for the final steps, serving your guest.”

Kagami sets a plate down in front of aomine, who looks to be near drooling. “Jesus, Kagami. You’re the perfect hous-“ A basketball flies into the shot at extreme speed, right into Aomine’s plate, splattering the food all over him.

///

“Hey guys, it’s alternative basketball and today we’re answering your questions.”

It’s Aomine and Kagami sitting on the couch in Kagami’s living room. Aomine has a phone in hand and is scrolling through it, commenting on how boring some of these questions are, or how lame some of the screen names are. “Hi, I’m Kagami Taiga and today I’m joined by the nicest person currently alive, Aomine Daiki.”

///

“Hey guys, it’s alternative basketball and today we’re testing balls.”

It’s a collection of non-basketballs that they play basketball with. The bouncy-ball is too big to fit in the loop, no matter how hard Kagami dunks it. It gets stuck. The next shot is of Kagami jumping up and climbing the goal post, trying to kick the ball through. It doesn’t budge. Next he stands on it, to no avail. Then he jumps on it and it budges. He keeps jumping, nearly bouncing off the post with each one, while Aomine tries desperately to hold in his laughter and keep the camera steady. Aomine drops it when next, kagami jumps up, comes down, connects with the ball only for it to shoot through the loop and then follow after it, getting stuck in the loops with both feet. From the position of the ground, the camera sees aomine fallen to the ground, bend over, choking on laughter with tears in his eyes, while Kagami shouts off camera to help him get out.

Chapter Text

“Hey guys, it’s alternative basketball and today I’m doing a request.”

“You guys commented the ‘boyfriend challenge’ and liked it so much, I’d feel bad not doing it. You never specified a challenge, though, so I'm going to go ahead and do them all, I guess. Now, as you may have noticed, I don’t actually have a boyfriend. Nor do I have a girlfriend, or any significant other of any kind. I do, however, have this asshole lazing around my home more often than not-“

Kagami swipes the camera to Aomine, currently asleep on his couch with Maji burger wrappers on the table, his shirt on the floor and a basketball game playing on the tv.

“The real challenge here is doing as many boyfriend challenges as I can, without tipping off Aomine as to what’s going on. Shouldn’t be too hard, since he’s stupid.”

[Challenge 1: dressing your boyfriend.]

Kagami lightly kicks at Aomine’s sleeping form and throws his selected outfit over his head. “Get up and take a shower, Aho. You can borrow these clothes.”

Kagami sneakily grins towards the hidden camera as Aomine groans his protests, but he still gets up and slumps it to the shower, with the outfit slung over his shoulder.

There’s a fast-forward that ends a few seconds before Aomine can be heard shouting off-camera. “Oi, Kagami, this shirt is way too big! Why do you even own this, not even you can fill this out!”

“Just put it on!” Kagami shouts back. He winks at the camera and says, “It’ll come in handy later.”

[Challenge 2: Cooking together.]

Aomine walks out of the hallways he disappeared off in before, sporting ridiculously well-fitting jeans, white basketball sneakers and a sleeveless zip-up hoodie that’s comically big on him.

“What’s for dinner?” He lazily asks, scratching his stomach and yawning slightly.

“You’re cooking today.” Kagami replies from the kitchen. “Haa? Don’t be stupid, I’ll blow something up if I try.” Comes Aomine’s annoyed reply.

“I’m teaching you today. What man can’t even cook for himself? Are you gonna rely on your mother your entire life, huh?” The battle tune for Pokémon pipes up in the video and a Pokémon style pop-up appears that reads, ‘Kagami used BAIT’. “Of course not, stupid. I can cook.” Aomine snaps back.

“Then prove it.” Aomine looks even more annoyed at that and stomps his way to the kitchen. “I’ll show you, Bakagami!” Another pop-up appears that reads, ‘It’s super effective!’.

The screen cuts to the hidden camera with a view of the kitchen. “Stop looking so annoyed. I got something you liked. You should be thrilled at the opportunity to learn how to make it for yourself.” Kagami berates him.

“Damn, stop scolding me already. I’m doing it aren’t I? Here, see!” He picks up a vegetable and stops dead in his tracks. There’s a second of silence and then, “Oi, what do I do with this?”

Kagami laughs and asks him if he even knows the name of it. Aomine clearly deflects the question and doesn’t notice Kagami coming behind him and popping up the back of his over-sized hoodie until he’s trying to squirm his way in. “Hey, what the- What are you doing, idiot!? Kagami, stop that tickles, oh my god, Kagami!” Aomine protests. Kagami’s head pops up behind his and his arms pop through the arm holes. “Shut up, I said I’m teaching you. No better way than literally moving your body, is there? Even you can’t mess it up then.”

Aomine tries to push Kagami off but isn’t succesfull at all, seeing as they’re almost glued together like this. “Oi, Bakagami, did you plan this? I knew something was up with this stupid shirt.”

Despite his protests, he actually does let Kagami guide his movements as they make the dish. The camera doesn’t have a very high-quality picture and from it’s high-up position it isn’t very easy to make the two out, but Aomine is blushing so hard it’s clear cut on the screen. “This is humiliating, Bakagami. We’re done, right? Get off me, already!” Aomine snipes, once again trying to throw Kagami off.

“Yeah, yeah, you did good, I’ll let you go.” Kagami laughs and struggles his way back out of the hoodie.

[Challenge 3: Guess what’s in your mouth.]

The screen cuts to a pre-recorded close up of Kagami. “It’s a food challenge, guys. Don’t get excited.” Kagami reprimands his audience.

The screen cuts to Kagami making the dinner table and setting two dishes down opposite each other. “Hey, I read this article that said people who are really good at taste-tests are naturally gifted critics.” He says.

“So?” Aomine asks, sitting down at the table and thanking Kagami for the food. “So, I wanna test it out. You’re always so critical, you should be able to nail it.” Kagami says as he sits down, too, also saying his thanks before handing Aomine the chop sticks.

“Don’t wanna. That sounds like pseudo science, anyway.” Aomine remarks, digging his sticks into the main dish. “See, there you go already. Come on, just do it. Unless you think you’ll get it wrong?” Kagami baits again. The sound of several guys going “OOHHHH!” pipes up in the video, with air horns blaring.

“Tch. What’s with you today. Making me do all these stupid things.” Aomine snides, clearly agitated. “Shit, man. Here I thought we could do something fun besides basketball.” Kagami knows full well he’s guilt tripping Aomine. He has to, for the views. It’s clearly getting to Aomine, too, seeing as he puts his chop sticks down and looks in the other direction, muttering, “Well, if you’re gonna be like that.” He’s louder in his next sentence. “Fine, let’s do it.”

Kagami smiles something bright at him. “Alright, close your eyes.” Aomine grumbles about it, but does as he’s told. Kagami picks something out of the main dish and tells Aomine to open up. Unsurprisingly, Aomine gets it right. They do it with a few more things, but then Kagami pulls out a basketball from under the table. “Alright, next, what’s this?” He innocently asks, before shoving the basketball into Aomine’s open mouth.

Aomine sputters and pushes back, his eyes open in an instant. “What the hell, Bakagami!” Kagami is laughing so hard, the camera can’t really pick up Aomine’s other complaints. Both boys settle down some and resume dinner. Aomine is visibly more on edge, as if he’s waiting for Kagami to do something else stupid. He does, saying, “You didn’t say what it was, though.” Hell broke loose.

[Challenge 4: Doing your make-up.]

Things have settled down after dinner and Aomine is on the couch again. “Hey, Aomine, help me out.” Kagami calls from somewhere off-camera. “If it’s something weird again, I’m going home!” Aomine calls back. Kagami tsk’s him as he’s walking into the living room, a kit in hand. “Don’t be dumb. It’s too dark out and you live far away, you might as well crash here.”

Aomine grumbles something the camera can’t pick up and then says, “Seriously, though. Are you coming down with something? Acting so weird today… If you are, tell me now so I can run far away and avoid catching it.”

“If I did, you’d have it already by now, stupid.” Kagami shoots back without pause. It’s clear this is an easy back-and-forth for them. “Anyway, my senpai volunteered the basketball team to help out with the upcoming school play and I somehow got roped into the make-up department. I need a practice doll.” Another pop-up appears, much like the ones in otome games, where the characters are described. It takes up half the screen and states bullet points. Kagami Taiga: -An excellent cook. –A fantastic friend. –An even better liar.

“Hell no. I’m not doing that girly shit with you.” Aomine declines. Kagami fakes a gasp. “It can’t be, could it? The great Aomine Daiki is.. insecure in his masculinity?” He ties it off with a hand to the heart and incredulous face.

“I’m not insecure in anything!” Aomine argues. “Well, then doing this is nothing, right? Besides it’s not like I’m going to show it to the world or anything, I just need practice.” The audio of a loud fake laugh cuts through, followed by a woman saying “Oh, if only you knew, boo! If only. You. Knew.”

Aomine looks uncomfortable with the proposition, but gives in with a shrug. “Do whatever you want.”

Twenty minutes later sees Aomine with glittering pink and purple eyeshadow, blotched eyeliner, bright red lips, a painfully misplaced fake eyelash (the second one given up on), horribly drawn on eyebrows and blue, comically round blushes on his cheeks. All applied with the same level of skill as a five year old would have. “You.. Should ask them to move you to a different job, before you make a girl cry.” Aomine says, stunted by how bad it looks, while studying the end product in the mirror. Kagami tries his best to hold in his laughter, but bursts when Aomine is in the bathroom, trying to wash it off.

[Challenge 5: How much do you know?]

Aomine comes back out with a fresh face and plops back down on the couch next to Kagami. “Are you done being weird now?” He asks, peering at the other through his eyelashes, clearly preparing for Kagami to jump him with something else.

“Well, there’s this other thing I wanted to try. It’s a game, basically you ask the other questions about you and if they get it wrong, you get to smack them in the face with whipped cream, like this-“ Kagami flings his hand out, but Aomine had been expecting it, somehow. He grabs Kagami’s hand and struggles to push it away from his face. “Oi, Bakagami, what the hell! Get your hand away from me! I just washed my face, I’ll get pimples!”

Their struggle ends up looking more like a wrestling match, their bodies contorted on the couch, Aomine at some point having gained the upper hand, now having whipped cream on his hand too and trying to push it in Kagami’s face. Kagami pushes at Aomine’s chin, trying to get him off and suddenly Aomine stills. He’s looking straight at the hidden camera. “The hell.” He lamely says, like the calm before the storm, before hell breaks loose again.

The video cuts to a black screen. Words fade in, reading, ‘No Aomine was seriously hurt during the making of this video." The Law and Order chime bangs in before it reads, "A Kagami was, though. :(.’