Work Text:
以前
在吉林
He'd only wanted to take a picture or two with his wife. The steps between setting his three-year-old son down on a boulder outside the shrine carved into the mountain, and the leopard cat looming over the child and biting its shoulder remained a mystery. However, the greater mystery was how the boy didn't cry. Not at first. He'll never get that image out of his head. The boy on the dusty ground before the little hovel of the shrine, tiny hands clutching playfully at the beast's fur. He'd been burbling happily, as if it were the neighbour's tawny cat come to have fun. Blood began to flow from the toddler's shoulder.
He yelled. The beast glared at him, it's forked tail curling back and forth. He heard his wife's digital camera hit the ground. She raced forward to scoop up her baby. Only then did the leopard cat dart away, disappearing into the surrounding forest.
His wife was sitting on the ground, her boy between her legs. She held him in one arm whilst groping blindly in her hip-pouch for anything to clean the wound. The blood wouldn't stop. It was soaking into the expensive, pastel-coloured get-up they'd bought their child for his "first hike".
"Husband, hold him!" she shrieked. Feeling very stupid all of a sudden, he jumped down the short slope to the hovel and swept his son up into his arms. Whether it was the blood or his mother's harsh voice, the child finally started crying. It was a relief of sorts. He hushed the little boy and stared out at their surroundings. His wife had gathered their meagre first-aid supplies together and was dabbing at the wound. She was cooing at the child, yet she sounded so desperate and harried, he doubted even the three-year-old would be fooled enough to be comforted.
The Sun blazed down making him squint. Sweat gathered at his temples and up his back. At this time of the summer, the mountains were arid, the evergreens brittle, their needles everywhere littering the track. He wondered how long it would take them to get back to their car. He wondered if the leopard cat would watch them as they descended. His wife had managed to tie the child's wound. He handed the child back to her, muttering that they needed to hurry back.
The forest was silent. Barely the chirring of an insect disturbed the dry haze. Inside the tiny shrine, cool within the ancient rock, the dust from countless incense sticks blanketed the feet of a crudely made statue. A man with red robes holding a tall crook - he had the head of a grinning cat and a forked tail flicked out behind him. As the couple from the city hastily collected their bags and the discarded camera, a flash of sunlight reflected into the shrine, hitting the statue. It toppled over, landing silently in the dust. Its grinning face watched the boy as the couple carried him away.
一
「이 밤이 지나고 아침이 오면」
The Hard Life of Mr. Takada Kenta.
His friend has always been prone to sleeping in the middle of the day. (As well as sleeping on strangers' shoulders on the bus, sleeping through lectures, sleeping during his break at work… just generally spending a lot of time semi-conscious). But isn't this too much? Kenta woke Longguo up at the end of their lecture and they headed off for lunch. A few minutes later, he left Longguo in the busy corridor while he went to grab a form from the graduate students' office. It hadn't taken a moment. But now he's returned to find his friend passed out in a paper recycling bin. Sunlight streams in the windows, illuminating him like a cat dozing in the sunbeams. A small crowd has gathered and the History professor whose office the bin is outside of is hovering about with a large bag of shredded papers clutched tightly in her arms.
"Yonggukkie~ Time for lunch. Kenta is hungry," he coaxes, shaking his friend's arm. The younger man jerks awake(-ish). He flings an arm around Kenta's shoulder and allows himself to be lifted out of the bin and on to his feet again. Like that they stumble towards the cafeteria, Longguo leaning his weight on his shorter friend and Kenta wishing Koreans would be more considerate when there's a stressed Japanese fellow trying to reach food whilst balancing two book bags and his best friend.
Longguo's mostly woken up by the time they enter the cafeteria. The din of dozens of students and the kitchen in full swing hits them as soon as Kenta pushes the doors open. As does the aroma of deliciously cheap, greasy food.
"Can we have meat?" Longguo yawns, righting himself (Kenta internally rejoices) and stretching his long, thin arms over his head.
"Will hamburgers do?" He watches Longguo blink slowly at their surroundings. When his friend's lips twist into a pout, he knows Longguo's remembered where they are and the sheer questionability of the meat
"Don't want it"
"That's the best they have if you want meat," Kenta sings, smiling at Longguo's sour face.
"Can't I just eat you instead?"
Kenta turns red as a stop light.
"Gosh, don't say things like that! People will get a wrong idea."
He picks up his pace - if he can get Longguo's mouth full of food, he can't say anymore embarrassing things. Unconcerned by his friend's consternation, Longguo pads along behind him.
Kenta's expectations don't quite work out. Longguo doesn't say more embarrassing things, but it's not because of food. He picks at the rice burger Kenta bought him for a while, hardly eating a bite before dozing off on Donghan's shoulder. Donghan thanks Kenta politely before stealing Longguo's food and polishing it off.
Longguo sits crosslegged on the little balcony of his dorm room. Youngmin, his room-mate, told him Kenta messaged Sanggyun that Longguo was sick, so Sanggyun covered his shift at the conbini. That's good. He's certain he would've falllen asleep at the till (again) had he gone in. The trouble though, is that now it's 2:40am and he can't sleep.
He takes a deep breath. The early autumn night is cool and crisp. He shivers, burying his nose in his woolen scarf. He should have put on his coat too. He's still wearing his summer pyjamas and they're really not cutting the mustard now.
The sky above is dark and moonless. The tall trees surrounding the dorms are shadows of giants, trembling in the night. Longguo's hungry. He can't stop thinking about it. He's famished, has been for a month or more. There's nothing for it. He'll have to go eat. Lord knows he doesn't want to.
Grimfaced, Longguo slides the window open and clambers back inside. He changes his clothes, tip-toeing around so as not to wake Youngmin. He grabs his coat and scarf, pockets his keys and slips out of his room, leaving Youngmin snoring peacefully. Downstairs, the security guard is drinking beer and watching a sit-com on his phone. Longguo strolls past unnoticed and out into the night.
If anyone had been observing, they wouldn't have seen him pass the gated entrance to the dorm buildings. They might, however, have spied a wild cat, large and spotted, its tail forked, prowling through the shadows.
The man smells vile. Stale cigarette smoke, the tang of alcohol and the cloying stench of instant noodles. The distinct pitchy aroma of lust. Horrible. Longguo saw him shoving his girlfriend down the street and got frightened. When his heart calmed down, he followed them, slinking down low, ears flat. The girlfriend doesn't stink so strongly of alcohol, but she doesn't seem to have much idea of what's going on. The man clasps her arm and throws her toward a car.
Vile. Absolutely vile. But at least he's fat. Fat and meaty. If he eats a man like that, Longguo won't need to feed again for a year or more. The girlfriend might not even miss him.
The man's standing on the pavement, swaying wildly while he fishes for his car keys. The girlfriend's already sitting in the car with the door open, stockinged legs sprawled on the pavement. She'll hardly know. Longguo crouches, ready to pounce. He can get the man's neck. If he gets this right, he can leap up and sink his fangs straight into that bulbous artery. The hunger makes his insides roil. He springs up. Something barrels into his side.
The almighty yowl Longguo lets out as he goes flying causes the man to drop his keys. He flops onto the pavement and pats the ground in confusion. Meanwhile, Longguo picks himself up and shakes his head. His ears are ringing. He smells his attacker before he sees it. Behind him, back arched and whole body trembling, is a little black cat. It has - Longguo sniffs - he has thick, fluffy hair over a scrawny body and ears that fold forward rather than standing proudly. Longguo can't imagine there's anything this kitten could do to make itself look intimidating. If he were human right now, he'd laugh. Instead, he ignores it, repositioning himself to pounce on his chosen meal. He leaps.
The little thing throws itself at his side once again. Annoying, annoying, so annoying! Longguo rolls himself onto his paws again. The kitten looks dazed, copper-red eyes swimming. It stinks of fear. It's not retreating though, skinny back arched, soft tail sticking out straight. That's annoying too. It's not wearing a collar. What's some stray doing protecting a drunk and preventing Longguo from feeding? He's so hungry. How dare this kitten! He leaps, pinning the little black cat beneath him.
When Longguo wakes up the next morning, it's half an hour before his alarm is set to ring. He feels good. Spiffy. There's a spring in his step. He showers and is striding out to go to his 9am lecture for the first time in weeks. It's overcast, but not cold. The breeze is gentle and the trees along his walk are stained red and gold.
There are so many people around. It's too long since he's seen this time of the morning (and not been powered only on caffeine). It feels odd. He takes in the smell of the morning, of damp autumn earth, of frying food at breakfast stands. Sanggyun's eyes widen comically when he bumps into Longguo outside the East building. They make their way inside and plod down the steps of the lecture hall together. Sanggyun smells overpoweringly of black coffee and melon gum.
"You look better," he comments once they've thrown themselves down in two uncomfortable seats. His eyes roam Longguo's face and he amends, "Well, mostly. What's with that?" He fingers a spot on his own cheek and Longguo mirrors the action.
"Ah. Yeah…" Longguo feels the long, scabbed over welt running from below the corner of his eye to his mouth. He recollects the sharpness of the little cat's claws. The scrap hadn't been much of a fighter, but he was determined. He scratched Longguo's ribs up pretty badly and had landed that one vicious swipe at Longguo's face. This morning, Longguo had tried (evidently unsuccessfully) to cover it with make-up. "Cut myself shaving," he shrugs.
Sanggyun looks unconvinced. Longguo would be too. Thankfully, his friend's laid back enough to let Longguo's bare-faced lie slide.
"Thanks for covering my shift, by the way."
"It's OK," Sanggyun replies, yawning obnoxiously, "I could do with the cash. Just return the favour some time."
They settle into a comfortable silence. The lecturer arrives and three hours drift by in doodling on his notebook, scrolling through instagram and, occasionally, taking notes. (Awake he may be, but that doesn't make his tax lecture any less tedious). Afterwards, he and Sanggyun meander over to the cafeteria for lunch. Sanggyun's heard there's pasta today and the thought of good carbs powers him forward. Longguo's cravings have melted away, yet his taste buds still aren't working normally, so he lags behind, lost in his thoughts.
There are too many people, too many scents. It's confusing for him when he's like this. Earlier, he'd been sure he'd caught the scent of the cat passing by. But when he looked, there was nothing. He supposes his brain was confused, playing tricks on him - because why on earth would a kitten be wandering around here at noon? Ah, everything's so annoying!
"Oh, Yongguk-hyung does look better… mostly," Donghan remarks as Longguo seats himself in between Kenta and the silent lump of Taehyun. (The eldest member of their group has his head on the table. Longguo would think he were asleep, only he's a little too quiet for that, too leaden. Taehyun is a PhD student and has been having multitudinous disagreements with his lecturer. Therefore, if he wants to be a stone in the middle of lunch, his friends will let him). "You have, whatdyacallit, a tint to your cheeks again."
Longguo's not sure what that implies, but it sounds good so he thanks his first year friend and says he thinks he just needed a good night's sleep. In truth, his "good night's sleep" was a couple of hours in the wee hours of the morning, when his scratches were still fresh and sore, stretching and tearing over his human body. Those couple of hours were remarkably refreshing though - he's not technically lying.
"Sleep. Sleep is important," Kenta agrees sagely. With his chopsticks, he picks a lump of boiled carrot from his plate and points it at Longguo. In order to be amiable, Longguo accepts it.
"Sleep is over-rated," Taehyun gripes loudly, not lifting his head or otherwise moving a muscle. Longguo throws a questioning look to Sanggyun, who re-directs it to Kenta, who tilts his head at Donghan, fluttering his eyes in a way that he knows makes the first year do things. Donghan picks a slice of chicken from on top of Sanggyun's pasta salad and ruminates on his response. He swallows and tells them,
"It's something to do with interpreting The Rite of Spring, but I'm not supposed to mention any of those words."
Taehyun finally levers himself up. His forehead is noticeably flat and pink from the pressure it's been under. He levels Donghan with a look that would make small animals flee in terror. Donghan's a very large animal though, so he offers Taehyun another slice of Sanggyun's chicken. (Sanggyun yelps, belatedly covering his bowl with his hands).
"You're great, you are," Taehyun deadpans. Donghan nods with alacrity and takes a long sip of his coke. He has the decency to look moderately sheepish, so Taehyun has most likely already forgiven him.
Although he asked, Longguo fails to pay much attention to their conversation after that. Spearing another morsel of his onion pancake, he chews on it dully. It's quite tasteless. He knew it would be, when he'd fed less than 24 hours ago. That's normal. What isn't normal, is xianli's flesh cravings being satisfied by a few laps of blood from a scrawny little kitten.
In order not to turn into a beast once and for all, he needs to feed. That's what the legend says. 'With superhuman strength, xianli drags unsuspecting travelers from the mountain path and ruthlessly drains them of their life-force'. Longguo's not sure about the super-human strength part and he doesn't live in the mountains anymore. But his cravings have indeed always been for humans. He's always needed that to maintain the balance between the human him and the beast. Maybe he should say, he believed that's what he needed. Was there always another way? Was there simply something special about that one kitten?
Longguo scoffs. (Sanggyun eyes him strangely. Longguo needs a moment to remember he's supposed to be paying attention to his surroundings today). The kitten sure hadn't seemed special. Other than how it stood up to Longguo, it looked like a pleasant well-groomed housecat. Some kid that ran away and forgot how to get back to its owners, probably. Whatever the case, it was just a scrappy waif. Even if it had managed to (temporarily) mess up Longguo's face.
He tries again to recall the kitten's scent, but it's too confusing. All Longguo can recall for sure is the fear wafting from its body in waves. Underneath that there'd been something… something sort of -
"… fucked up! The hell happened to you?!"
Longguo jerks, almost choking on his last chalky bite of pancake. Not only did he lose track of Taehyun instructing them as to the nature of his current woes, but Donghan is now stood up and yelling at another first year in the middle of the cafeteria.
It's some kid with thick, black hair and round (flustered) eyes. He's standing like a deer in headlights and a sky blue hoodie. By dint of being beside Kwon Hyunbin - the overly tall, actual model from Donghan's Japanese class - he's being made to look under-dressed. Also, in fairness to Donghan's yelling, the kid does look pretty fucked up. His skin is palid, with deep bags under his eyes. He has scratches all over his face and neck. Just visible, where his hoodie has forsaken him by slipping down, his shoulder is marred by a sort of…
"Hold on. Shit, Shihyun-ah! Is that a hickey?"
… a dark, angry red bitemark. Longguo's nose twitches.
"What? No! Of course it's not!" the boy - Shihyun - squawks. He plasters a palm over the blotchy mark. A cold sweat has broken out on his forehead. Donghan's eyebrows quirk. Kenta and Sanggyun noisily clear their throats and feign being scandalised. Taehyun just watches the scene, eyes narrowed, unsure of what to make of matters.
"It's not - Stop thinking weird stuff, Donghannie! I can hear you thinking weird stuff. I fell into the rose buses outside the Classics department. And this is care of my cousin's cat which hates me. That's all."
That's not believable. Donghan goes to inspect his friend's injuries more closely. He tilts his friend's head up even as Shihyun's doing his best to cover the hickey and all his scratches and keep his clothes straight too. Mumbling that he'll get them both something to eat, Hyunbin hurries away. His unusually sober expression suggests he's taking their friend's injuries more seriously than Donghan. Having said that, when Longguo looks, Donghan is rubbing Shihyun's back almost gently when he demands,
"How did you even fall into the rose bushes? What were you doing?"
"Walking?" Shihyun replies hesitantly, self-consciously wrapping the hoodie around himself. Longguo's nose twitches again. A smell of fear and blood and something warm and satisfying. How interesting.
Hyunbin comes back with two tortilla wraps packaged for take-out. He takes Shihyun's arm and says he's sorry they have to leave already. Neither of them look sorry. Longguo's eyes follow after them. Unconsciously, he wets his lips.
二
「뭘 하고 있는지 한심해지고
상상병인지 어떤 각본도」
Under the blazing electric light, a swarm of insects flutters. The air is thick with the smell of moss and damp. The soft lap of water on the riverbank and the hum of the bugs wings are almost the only sounds in the world. Shihyun stops long enough to look at his watch, shuffling on before any of those insects might decide to bite. (Ironic, if he thinks about it).
Twenty past midnight. This counts as weird now, doesn't it? Taking a stroll by the river at twenty past midnight is weird. Despite this conclusion, he doesn't set off home. A few hundred metres up ahead, another electric light pierces the darkness. Shihyun figures he'll go as far as there before deciding what to do with himself. He can barely make out his feet or his hands in front of him. Because he hears the muted crunch of gravel, he knows he's keeping the overgrown path. He doesn't want to return home yet, even though he's hungry and has classes tomorrow morning. Despite waking up feeling like a wrecking ball had hit him, he's been restless all day. After his tutoring session finished that evening, it only spiked.
He'd popped into a conbini realising he hadn't eaten since lunch. As he scanned the shelves for the tea and ramyun he liked, he felt eyes on him. It was Donghan's friend from lunch, the one with the poorly concealed scar on his face. The scar was mostly faded by now though. Shihyun tried very hard to stop himself thinking strange thoughts.
"Hello," the man greeted stiffly.
"Good evening," Shihyun blurted out. He snatched up the first packet that came to hand and went to pay.
"You're Donghan's friend," the man - Yongguk, by his name tag - commented as he rang up the purchases, "Who fell into the bushes. You look better now."
Shihyun noticed Yongguk's nose twitch and wondered why. His expression was hard to read. It didn't seem like he was laughing at him though.
"Yeah, thanks. I heal quickly." It was true. Most of his cuts and scabs were gone already or would be within another day. Only that bruise on his shoulder looked like persisting, the toothmarks turning a blackish purple like beetle wings. Healing so fast left him feeling hellish and looking a bit like a ghost. On the other hand, it meant he only had to go around looking like a walking disaster for a short time. "You too," he added, gesturing to his cheek where the thin white line ran down Yongguk's face.
"Oh, yeah. Me too." Yongguk handed him his change and Shihyun took it, mumbling a quick goodbye and hightailing it from the shop. He really shouldn't think strange things. It only leads to disappointment.
He's reached the next electric light. It's a bit further from the riverbank here. The cloud of insects is no less intense though. Shihyun drops to a crouch. As if mocking him, the packet of noodles rattles in his backpack. (He'd gotten seafood flavour by accident. He can't even eat seafood flavour). This is stupid. He has to just turn around and go home and sleep. The scary mountain cat attacked him because it was a scary mountain cat and Shihyun had ridiculously opted to play hero for that drunk. Kim Yongguk has a rapidly healing slash on his face for reasons that he is entitled to keep entirely to himself. Shihyun hangs his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He's the weirdo, he reminds himself, now go home and quit overthinking things.
A furry shape headbutts his hand. Golden eyes peer into his.
"You found me," he breathes as the mountain cat's forked tail winds around his wrist. He gazes up at the inky sky. A thin sliver of silver moon is sliced through the blackness. "Did you want the black cat? He won't be around for a few weeks."
The mountain cat isn't acting especially scary tonight. Shihyun thinks maybe it likes him better than the black cat. It pads around him, rubbing its body against his jeans and allowing him to pet its head. A loud purr reverberates in its throat. Shihyun feels it where his fingers brush the beast's neck.
In the following weeks, Longguo doesn't meet the kitten again. He does meet Shihyun. He and xianli do. The kid turns up at lunch with Donghan or Hyunbin occasionally - although rarely and usually not stopping. Also, sometimes the leopard cat will spy the boy ambling home late at night, humming along to the songs in his earphones, and jump across his path. He'll twine himself around his legs, endlessly amused that this weedy kid is the only human he's met who's not afraid of him.
If Shihyun is human, that is. Because, in transitioning between xianli and human, Longguo mixes himself up so much. Is Shihyun's scent really that one? Or has he simply convinced himself that it is? He wonders if Shihyun would taste the same. He wonders that a lot.
One night, Longguo is chasing small creatures through the trees near the library. He hears Shihyun bidding good night to a friend and darts into the branches of a tree along the path he remembers the kid taking. He waits, forked tail twisting about in anticipation.
"Oh, it's you," Shihyun whispers when Longguo drops down suddenly. He pulls out his earphones and drops his heavy backpack on the cracked footpath. Tonight, he crouches down to let the wild animal come close. That's perfect. Longguo brushes his head against Shihyun's leg once. He considers whether Shihyun will finally become scared of him. He hopes not. He doesn't dislike the kid. Thinks he's strange, yes. But not dislikable.
"You're friendly tonight. Were you lonely?" the boy asks with a playful smile. Longguo supposes he's stayed long enough. He sinks his fangs into Shihyun's hand and laps at the drops of blood before they can flow onto the ground. Shihyun whimpers, pulling his hand back and holding it close to his chest.
"Why?"
Not being in a position to answer, Longguo leaps back into the trees and leaves that way. Not just the smell, but the taste too. The taste.
The following day, Donghan arrives for lunch with Hyunbin and Shihyun in tow. The latter has a conspicuous, blood-spotted bandage wrapped tightly around his hand. It pokes out from the too long sleeves of his white hoodie. Longguo gulps his coffee. His conscience is pricked.
Slightly.
"What happened to you?" Kenta gasps, ever the type to want to help injured small creatures.
"He's not telling," Donghan grunts. The three first years crowd into the table. Shihyun isn't short by any means, but he looks tiny and trapped in between Donghan and Hyunbin and their preponderantly long limbs.
"I did tell you, though," he objects. His friend's roll their eyes. Kenta picks a cube of braised tofu from his noodles and reaches across Sanggyun to pass it on his chopsticks to the injured boy.
"Tell hyung," he suggests kindly. Shihyun looks bewildered, but accepts the tofu and chews slowly.
"I cut myself," he explains.
"Tell them how," Hyunbin prompts, clearly unimpressed.
"I was making a sandwich," he states, chin raised. This is his story and he's not going to budge from it. Longguo bites back a laugh. Kenta's worried frown deepens and he passes Shihyun another cube of tofu and then a slice of tomato. The boy doesn't look in Longguo's direction once. Even so, Longguo smiles to himself - he doesn't smell fear in the air.
Shihyun joins their lunch table a few more times after that. Apparently the friend he usually eats with has a boy he's trying to catch the attention of lately. Although, when Shihyun joins, it's still always because he's been brought along by one of the other first years. He and Longguo don't talk. In fact, he barely makes eye contact with the older boy. Longguo finds it a little funny, seeing as he's perfectly relaxed around the others. He became friends with Donghan through having Hyunbin as a room-mate - and those two have a surprisingly similar, innocent sense of humour. He can talk well about music, so Taehyun and Sanggyun have decided they like him. Also, Kenta still tries to feed him, even though he hasn't had any more "freak accidents". Longguo assumes no one's noticed that Shihyun can't look at him.
Longguo's wrong.
"By the way," Taehyun starts, out of the blue, "Doesn't that kid have a crush on you?"
"What?!"
They're trudging together up four flights of stairs to the post-grad reading room. Longguo stumbles, catching himself on the unstable railing. Taehyun grabs his arm to help him stand and laughs in Longguo's face when he sees his rattled expression.
"Oh, come on. He's all quiet and blushy around you. He's not like that with the rest of us."
"I have no idea what you mean," Longguo snips, marching on ahead (despite needing Taehyun to let him in once they reach the reading room). Taehyun's boisterous laugh follows him up the stairwell. Longguo hopes that's the last he'll hear of that… theory.
Longguo's extremely wrong.
The very next day, after a productive morning of sleeping through his lecture, he trots to the cafeteria for lunch. It would have been just him and the 95ers, except early that morning Kenta found Taehyun in the library, on the verge of tears as he worked through a thick, musty book written in cyrillic, and had promised to treat him to chicken if he agreed to close the book. Despite neither of the first years being present, Shihyun rocks up anyway.
"Mind if I sit here?" he asks with a sweet smile, the sort that Longguo's hyungs are useless at refusing.
Longguo is aware of Taehyun's eyes on him through much of that lunch. He does his best to ignore it by playing the survival game on his phone with more vigour than strictly necessary. Honestly, his cravings are already creeping up again. They're nothing like as bad as before, but they're undeniable and constant. With them comes exhaustion seeping through his bones. During the day, staring at his phone is about the only thing keeping him awake.
At one point, Kenta pinches his leg to make him pay attention again. He does so for Kenta's sake. However, it's still awkward. He has nothing to add to the conversation - not when he's struggling to string thoughts together that aren't to do with sleep or fresh meat. Besides, he's noticed that Shihyun's problem making eye contact with him seems, if anything, worse than ever - the tips of his ears even turning a vibrant red anytime Longguo speaks.Which means Kenta and Taehyun have noticed as well. Longguo doesn't see how this translates to 'he has a crush on you'. He assumes Shihyun knows Longguo's, technically speaking, the one who viciously mauled him last month. Not that he can explain that to his hyungs… In any case, it's annoying.
When the time comes for him to head to his class, he's relieved to get away. Except that Shihyun hops up and dashes to his side.
"Hyung, we're going the same direction."
"We are?"
The boy nods firmly. Shihyun's big dark eyes are sincere and distracting. Longguo shrugs and lets him walk at his side. He's grateful when they've gone far enough that he can no longer hear Taehyun snickering.
As they walk, Shihyun rambles about a gig on that weekend. One that neither of them were able to get tickets to. It's interesting because it's one of the few bands Longguo knows they both like. However, whereas he mostly just likes the melodies and how the singer uses his voice, Shihyun can't stop going on about their lyrics. He repeats this one line. Even your eyes, even your dreams, they all live and breathe in me. Longguo can't help but wonder what's so meaningful about it.
The corridors are noisy with other students going their own way or talking in groups, while they stroll side-by-side, Shihyun chatting and that line playing in Longguo's head. Finally, they approach his classroom.
"That's me," he says, pointing to the door.
"Oh." Longguo's eyebrows crease. Didn't Shihyun say he knew where they were going? He doesn't have time to dwell on the question, because Shihyun stops in his tracks.
"Hyung, it's a new moon tonight."
Longguo looks down at him. He's clutching his textbooks to his chest and his cheeks are dusted pink. That's sort of distracting too.
"New moon? What does that mean?"
"It's when there's no moon in the sky. A dark moon."
"Oh… I can't say I pay attention to that stuff." He's not sure what response the boy was expecting. Obviously it wasn't that.
"You don't? Well, I… Well," he peeks up at Longguo shyly and mumbles, "I might see you."
With that, he's gone. Longguo trips into his class and finds a seat. He dozes throughout, dreaming of nothing but long and pretty eyelashes splayed out over a soft cheek and eyes flecked with copper-red.
The Excrutiatingly Hard Life of Mr. Im Youngmin.
When Youngmin launched himself out of bed to shut off his alarm clock, he'd been Quite Distressed to turn around and find his room-mate asleep in the arms of some boy. Thankfully his sleep-addled brain soon picked up on the fact that both boys were wearing clothes. Youngmin breathed a sigh of relief. He's not prudish, don't get him wrong. He doesn't mind if there are goings on in his dorm. It's purely that he'd prefer those goings on not go one while he's asleep in the next bed.
He crept to the bathroom, hoping he could get washed and dressed without waking Yongguk or his new… friend? Now he's tip-toeing back with comfy jeans and his lucky Taeyeon socks on. All he needs is a couple of shirts and he's ready to face the outside world. His heart sinks when he sees his room-mate awake. So much for avoiding awkward encounters. Youngmin greets him and Yongguk waves listlessly.
The Chinese student is sitting on the edge of his bed, rubbing blearily at his eyes, elbows on his knees. He's yanked the blind half-way up and, in the light filtering in, Youngmin can confirm that Yongguk is, in fact, wearing last night's clothes. The boy stirs but doesn't wake up. Youngmin pulls on the first shirt he lays a hand on. He digs an energy bar out of the cupboard and leans on the fridge to eat. He peeks around Yongguk's shoulder. A distressed whine threatens to escape. That looks a lot like one of Yongguk's shirts that ghost-looking kid's wearing. And actually, Youngmin thinks he might recognise him from someplace.
"So, when did this happen?" he asks by way of being Friendly and Cordial. His room-mate stares blankly.
"What happen?"
"You know, this," Youngmin waves his hand encompassing Yongguk's whole side of the room. "This. You and… When did that happen?"
He watches the Chinese student's eyes roll back in his efforts to figure out that question. Youngmin doesn't blame him. He crams the last half of the energy bar in his mouth to prevent himself saying anything else weird.
"Are you speaking in dialect again? I don't get it," Yongguk checks. Seeing his room-mate is engaged in chewing, he shrugs and heaves himself up, shuffling, on wobbly feet to the bathroom. He stumbles over the games console on his way. While Yongguk's flailing his arms against gravity, Youngmin gets a clearer look at him. Including those dark splotches on either side of his neck. They almost look like bitemarks, Youngmin notes, too distressed to be alarmed. And were those nailmarks on Yongguk's shoulders. Youngmin swallows thickly. Goings on definitely went on after all.
He hops over to his bed to get his bag and whatever books he needs till the afternoon. He's doing his best to keep it down, but the boy (Youngmin still can't recall where he's met him before) stirs again, stretching his arms over his head, burying them under the cool side of the pillow. Youngmin glances over, only to check if the kid's waking up, and instantly wishes he could hide himself in his backpack. The boy's shirt rode up revealing scratches and suspicious bruises littering his stomach. It's one thing cuddling with your boyfriend, Youngmin internally grumbles, it's another leaving hickeys on his hips whilst your room-mate is innocently asleep in the same room.
"Yongguk's gonna die," he mutters, forcefully stuffing his Bio-Chem notes into his bag. Nonetheless, he knows that what's really going to happen is that Youngmin's going to run away and hope he never has to confront this situation. Gosh, it couldn't be any more awkward.
"G'morning… Oh, I know you. You're friends with Donghyunnie, right? S'rry for intruding. I'll be gone soon."
The boy's sitting up in bed, Yongguk's clothes hanging off him and the quilt tangled around his feet. His hair's a mess and his skin is startlingly pale, like all the life has been sucked from him. (Accurate, judging by the glimpse of his stomach and his collar bone showing under the too big shirt, Youngmin concedes. He curses his brain's turn of phrase). He's looking at Youngmin all apologetic and bashful. The rising flush is about the only colour on his face. Youngmin zips up his bag before the temptation to hide his head in there becomes too strong.
以前
在昌原
She was seven and a half months pregnant and she was bored out of her mind. She'd quit work months ago, because that was for the best. She'd stopped drinking alcohol, black tea or soda. She'd stopped dancing around the kitchen to her favourite songs because it made her husband worry. She'd stopped cycling because it made her mother-in-law click her tongue in disapproval. She'd stopped most things, come to think of it.
Driving was still allowed though, so that's what she did. While her husband was at work and her mother-in-law was back in Jinju, she set off. Out of the city. Away from the coast and into the mountains. Snaking off towards the reservoir where the roads were twisting and rough and the forests thick and richly green.
On one of these backroads, she zoomed past a shrine. She barely registered the tiny, dilapidated structure, it's red paint peeling and a thin trail of incense smoke winding from a blackened brass chimney. It was supported against an ancient tree, the trunk huge and knotted, thick roots trailing deep into the ground. These things she didn't see. But she felt the bump under her tyres a hundred or so metres further up the road.
Her stomach dropped. She pulled over and swallowed down the nausea. Opening the car door, she peeked out. On the deserted road, it was impossible to miss the still, black lump. Perhaps she ought to have left it at that. Perhaps she never ought to have stopped in the first place. What she did, is move closer, pumps clicking on the tarmac. The rustling trees observed her as she went.
The lifeless body of a cat. She lifted it up. Its glossy black fur still held warmth. Her stomach churned, feeling it's vanishing life in her fingertips. It was tiny, clean, had cutely folded ears and was very much dead. A hot wave of guilt flooded her.
A wail erupted. She startled, dropping the cat. Her bracelet snagged its coat. Its body landed on the road with a sickening thud and a tuft of black fur remained stuck on the gold clasp at her wrist. An old woman was standing between the trees. Her shawl was torn, her drab skirt spotted with mud. Her thin skin seemed stretched taught over the bones of her skull. Tears streamed down her face.
"You beast! You're a beast!"
She sprung to her feet, at a loss for what to do. Logically, this was hardly her fault. But the old woman was weeping and her heart felt too guilty. She smoothed her silk blouse over her stomach and wracked her head for something to say.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she blathered, "I'll buy you a new one if you want. Or should I pay for its cremation? Would that be good?"
The woman's hard, grey eyes, red-rimmed with tears, pierced her.
"Shut up, shut up!" she shrieked, "How dare you? He was my only friend! You're a beast. Your child will be a beast and he'll run with beasts! You'll never forget this. How dare you?"
The old woman was a tiny figure, yet she emitted such pure, white hot fury. It terrified the woman from the city. Overcome, she backed away. She ran to her car. The baby was kicking in her belly. The image of the old woman's body trembling with rage chased her down the mountain. Her heart didn't stop racing until she was back in the city, amongst the traffic. Even then, the old woman's words stayed with her, as if they'd been branded into her soul.
三
「설탕빛 눈부신 사랑을 뿌려줘」
Longguo carries the wrapped sandwich in his hand self-consciously. He shouldn't have bought it. If Shihyun doesn't show up - and he has no particular reason to believe he will - Longguo's going to have to eat it himself. He doesn't even like egg salad - not when his taste buds are working normally, less when they've mostly shut down. Shihyun had better show up and appreciate him. Annoying kid. Why did he buy the stupid sandwich?
Longguo tsks. He knows why. It's the same reason he brought Shihyun back to his dorm at sunrise. He felt bad. The little black cat came to play with the wild animal. He let xianli bite him with only a whimper and a half-hearted fight back. Despite being injured, he limped after Longguo, following him down to the river when he got bored and wanted to look at the insects and the fish under the surface. He hadn't wanted to let the kitten sit beside him while it licked its wounds, but the little shivering creature was persistent. After the third time he tried to sneak up to the leopard cat's side, Longguo stopped bothering to push him away.
When the sky began to lighten, he took Shihyun back to his dorm and let him wear his clothes. It's not as though Longguo had another option - the boy could barely stand on his own at that point.
As neither of them could sleep, they lay close, whispering so as not to wake Youngmin. Longguo told him what he was. Tears welled up in Shihyun's eyes when Longguo told him about the cravings starting when he was a teenager, about losing connection with his humanity for awhile, about eventually losing contact with his family and running away here. Seeing Shihyun like that made Longguo's skin prickle and feel hot. He didn't cry about not seeing his family. Not anymore. Shihyun's strange, he reminded himself, and pushed the feelings away.
Without being asked, Shihyun explained what he could about how he ended up like that. Which wasn't much. Some kind of curse when his mum was pregnant. To run with beasts, the words trippped off Shihyun's tongue, Something like that. Longguo thought to himself - although he'd never have voiced it - that he must be part of that witch's curse. Because the little black cat wasn't much of a beast, but Longguo was. Fated to be food for a roaming xianli? What a thing.
This is why Longguo felt bad. This is also why he expressed himself by buying a sandwich. He frowns at the triangular, pink, wax paper package in his hands. He clicks his tongue. Shihyun's not the only one who's strange these days.
"Hey, Yonggukkie-hyung."
"We're angry with you, Yonggukkie-hyung."
A pair of first years and his best friend are all shooting daggers at him. Cautiously, he pulls out a chair and sits down. He throws the package down and grips his coffee tightly. Kenta's hand immediately covers his free one.
"Why didn't you tell me you were dating Shihyun?"
Longguo cocks his head. His mouth opens and closes. His bafflement makes Kenta's sad moue only more miserable. Donghan growls.
"Don't think you can deny it. Donghyun heard from Youngmin how Shihyunnie stayed the night. He said he was wearing your shirt and everything."
Longguo hadn't been planning to deny any of that, but when his friends are scowling at him like he's been out kicking puppies (or kittens, more precisely) he is tempted to.
"OK, fine. But back up. Why would I be dating Shihyun?"
He hears a faint inhalation from Kenta that somehow expresses in detail how disappointed he is in his friend's conduct. Longguo worries his lip. The first years are weird, so he doesn't care. But he doesn't want Kenta being upset with him.
"So, my room-mate's just a fling to you?" Hyunbin accuses.
Longguo's eyes bulge. He nearly chokes on his coffee (but even his malfunctioning tastebuds can tell the coffee's good today, and he wouldn't like to be wasteful). They've got nothing like the correct end of the stick. While he's floundering for a way to defend himself that doesn't involve magical cats, Donghan's off again.
"Doesn't he like you? You should treat him better." He's secured one long arm around Kenta. Curling into Donghan's side, the Japanese boy nods earnestly. "Don't dick around with his feelings. If you're not serious, don't lead him on."
"That's right. He came back looking like a car wreck and you're acting like it's no big deal."
Hyunbin's words sink in after a moment. Oh dear! No wonder they're all so angry.
"Shihyun was in a car accident?"
The first years glower. Kenta pats Longguo's hand before sighing despairingly into Donghan's shoulder.
Longguo isn't stupid. He can somewhat see how it must look to an outsider. But the point remains, why would he be dating Shihyun? Even accepting Taehyun's idea that the kid has a crush on him (which Longguo doesn't, thank you very much), it doesn't make sense. Shihyun doesn't game. He reads sappy love stories. His claimed favourite songs at noraebang are equally sappy ballads. He watched It and rated the film 'sort of scary, I guess'. Realistically, beyond that one notable thing they have in common, what would Longguo be doing dating a kid like that?
Thankfully, Shihyun agrees. It makes Longguo feel a bit more sane. He bumps into him in the corridor later in the day. Shihyun's with some baby-faced boy with a middle-parting. They're on their way to the library, but he lets Longguo draw him away.
"Everyone thinks we're dating," Longguo states, watching for his reaction. The boy laughs uneasily and scratches his neck. (He looks better, Longguo notes, relieved. Still weak and much too pale, still bruised and scratched. But nothing like at dawn when Longguo had had to practically carry him to bed).
"I know, I'm sorry. I've told them it's not true, but they don't believe me. And it's…" he trails off, readjusting the books in his arms, "It's hard to explain," he finishes, eyes not meeting Longguo's again.
"Mm."
Longguo's nose twitches. It shouldn't bother him that, at some point between last night and this morning, Shihyun went back to avoiding eye contact. (It bothers him a lot). He tries not to think about anything. Shihyun's ugly orange earphone's catch his attention. They're loose around his neck, the black wire leading under his t-shirt, over the ugly, plum-coloured bruise on his collar bone. Feeling too warm all of a sudden, Longguo swings his backpack to the front and unbuckles it. That stupid sandwich is there, sitting on top of his books, stinking up his bag and mocking him.
"Here. Eat before you study," he orders, pushing it towards Shihyun. The boy takes it with both hands. Longguo wonders why his eyes gleam more than they did a second ago.
"What's this?"
"I bought it but I'm not hungry," he excuses himself, "And you need to eat because… yeah."
"Thanks, Hyung." Shihyun smiles like the bright Moon sparkling on the river.
After that day, he does begin to see Shihyun more often. Not at lunch - which is probably related to how Donghan and Hyunbin are yet to forgive him for what he's not crystal clear he did or not. But around.
For one, he starts dropping into the conbini every few days during Longguo's shift. The first time, after purchasing his bottle of tea, Shihyun coughs, "Oh, I almost forgot," and it's the most stilted 'oh I almost forgot' that Longguo's ever heard. He passes the hot paper bag he's been clutching across the counter to Longguo. The fragrance is already strong. Longguo opens the bag just to check - Chinese steamed buns, white and round and stuffed with pork and spring onions.
"You got me food the other day, so," Shihyun explains, pulling at the sleeves of his pale pink sweater.
"Hm? I just happened to have that," Longguo responds, more sharply than he'd intended, "You weren't supposed to buy me something in return. Where did you even find these?"
"There's a market. It's near-ish," Shihyun waves his hand vaguely, quickly leaving that subject, "But anyway, I didn't know what Hyung would like. Is it alright?"
Longguo sniffs. It doesn't smell like home-cooking. His mum was a terrible cook, could barely use the rice cooker. However, this aroma, it does remind him of the steamed buns from the chain restaurant near his middle school. He'd had a crush on one of the waitresses. She was a college student and his crush was never going anywhere. So, a few months down the line, he'd mauled her sister and gotten it out of his system.
"Huh? Yeah, I guess."
If Longguo needed any further proof that Shihyun is strange, it's that that unenthusiastic response makes him grin. He even keeps coming back, only to buy his tea and make awkward small talk with the shop assistant. Previously, Longguo'd only seen the kid in here that one time he bought noodles and ran away. Longguo assumes there must be some other reason he keeps popping up lately. Perhaps he's working on a group project or something, and the time they meet happens to coincide with Longguo's shift. He intends to ask a few times. But then Shihyun will be laughing at him for bragging about a game or letting Kenta beat him on a Korean quiz, and all the thoughts just sort of fly from his head.
四
「밤이 되면 커지는 네 모습」
The sky is black and strung with stars. Frost is on the ground, the grass crunches softly as he walks. Delicate ice-crystals dust the wild flowers, melting into clouds under his breath. He sits just outside the pool of electric light, gathering himself into a ball. There are fewer insects now. One fat moth flaps around and he resists the urge to leap up and bat it out of the sky.
A breeze blows by. He shivers, curling further in on himself. This is probably a bad idea. Only yesterday he spotted Yongguk asleep in the library with his head on Sanggyun's lap. So it isn't as though there was ever a chance of Shihyun choosing not to come tonight. Still, it's probably bad.
That one moth has found himself an equally bulbous buddy. They're both bumbling about, coming closer to Shihyun's head than he likes. His tail flicks. He could get them. He could absolutely kill both of them dead, if he really wanted to. He just chooses not to expend that energy.
The scent of his friend reaches him. He rolls and stretches, telling himself to ignore the cold and relax. He yawns. A flying leopard cat sweeps across his vision. Longguo lands in the light, unexpectedly with one of the moths under his paws. The leopard cat looks more startled than anyone by his success, eyes huge and forked tail sticking out like a V. He jerks away, skittering about as if his paws have been burnt. The poor moth flutters away, free to join its friend headbutting the electric light once again.
Longguo still looks harrassed and dumbfounded, so the little black cat pads over and licks his face. Longguo stills. He blinks at him slowly, then, for no reason Shihyun can tell, nips his folded ears.
Shihyun doesn't wake up until after 2pm the next day. That might be for the best. By the time he makes it back to his own dorm, he doesn't look so much like the walking dead as he did last month.
Longguo hears about this through Donghan. They, Taehyun and Kenta meet up in the conbini late in the evening to bug Sanggyun (who's working) and catch up with Taehyun (who's been too busy to see anyone for weeks now).
"Hyunbinnie said your boyfriend got home in one piece," Donghan announces apropos of nothing. His half-smile doesn't conceal the recrimination lacing his voice. It takes Longguo a minute to realise Donghan's talking to him.
"Oh, I see. OK."
"I knew it! I knew you didn't check on him. You didn't, did you? Hyung, are you messing around my friend again? If you are, you're dead."
Longguo shakes his head rapidly. Donghan's muscles are no joke and he's not certain if the fist the first year is waving around is an empty threat or not. It's not a risk he wants to take.
"So, you're serious about him?" Kenta asks.
"I… Look…" He takes a long sip of his coffee. There must be some way to wriggle free of this situation. There's always a way. The coffee burns his tongue, yet he takes another sip all the same. Taehyun slams a hand on the table, making everyone jump, including Sanggyun and the woman he's serving a slush puppie to. The post-grad tilts his head back in order to stare down his nose at them.
"I am so fucking out of the loop now. Someone tell me what's going on."
"Sorry, Hyung," Donghan entones, unhelpfully offering half his churro rather than an explanation. Kenta is still observing Longguo with big, shining eyes, canine pressing into his bottom lip. It's as if he's anticipating Longguo boldly admitting that he's courting Shihyun. But Longguo's doing no such thing with that little stray, so, at a loss, he peeks at their reflections in the conbini's window and burns his tongue on his coffee yet again. Sanggyun clears his throat.
"Hyung, the long and the short of it is that Yongguk here is a kinky boy who played around with Shihyun, and now Donghannie and Hyunbinnie want to chop his dick off."
Taehyun's stool creeks ominously as he swivels it to face Longguo. His mouth is hanging open.
"That cute kid? Just because he had a crush on you? Is that true?"
Longguo shakes his head so fast his coffee spills out and scalds his fingers. Taehyun's scowl only deepens.
(Longguo is only saved from this conversation when a pretty woman with a samoyed enters the shop to ask for directions. Taehyun and Donghan get distracted by one, Hyunbin and Kenta by the other).
The end of the year is approaching. Longguo spends a lot of time sneaking into the post-grad reading room to study with Kenta. He hardly sees Shihyun - not at lunch or disturbing him at work. It's annoying. Longguo presumes the kid's cramming as well. He also presumes the absence means Shihyun is aware his friends are one excuse away from murdering Longguo. This doesn't stop it being annoying. Longguo tries to bury his head in his books and not dwell on anything.
It's a quarter of an hour before the security guard will come to lock up the reading room. The post-grads don't have many actual tests, so there's only a handful of other people here. There's no noise under the harsh lights but pages turning and the tap of notebook keys.
Longguo is pre-emptively shivering at the thought of going outside. There was sleet earlier when he and Kenta were walking in. Longguo's shoes haven't yet dried fully, hours later. He glances to his left. Kenta's canary yellow cardigan looks spectacularly toasty and is massive on Kenta. Longguo could probably roll himself up in that, if he really put his mind to it.
The message light on his phone distracts him from Kenta's cardigan. It's from Shihyun. The boy rarely texts him at the best of times. Longguo opens it straight away to a close-up picture of a cockroach. A couple of stressed post-grads shush him when he yelps, phone clattering on the desk. He mutters an apology, snatching his phone up before his friend can retrieve it for him.
[Why?]
[I wanted to make sure you reply]
[Success~!]
[Hyung, I'm going for a walk]
[Also why?]
[Because I want to]
He sends another picture. It's dark and difficult to make anything out. After a moment's squinting, Longguo realises where Shihyun's gone.
"Dumb stray," he mumbles - too loudly, judging by how Kenta's eyebrows get lost behind his fringe and the girl next to him glares.
"Ah, I'll leave first, Hyung. I have to go do something."
"Do what, Yonggukkie?"
"Just something. See you tomorrow."
The ground is sodden and just beginning to freeze over. Longguo hops around, trying and failing to keep his paws dry. The air is smothered by an icy fog that makes his nose run.
Near the bank, where the murky water rushes in the darkness, Shihyun is sitting on his backpack. He's swathed in a heavy coat, a hoodie, a scarf and a too big beanie, and he's still shaking from the cold. Idiot, Longguo thinks, and jumps on to his lap. Shihyun smiles down at him, sinking his ice-cold fingers into the leopard cat's thick fur.
The boy's singing under his breath as he gazes out into nothing. It's one of those sugary love songs again. Longguo dislikes it from when it was first released and would be playing it just about every shop and café he entered. Nevertheless, it's not, he reconsiders, such an awful song. Not now he's hearing it again. He leans his head against Shihyun's stomach and listens to his voice floating on the mist.
Shihyun catches a cold. (Because he's stupid for hanging around outside in this weather, Longguo courteously doesn't point out).
The kid turns up at lunch for the first time in an age. After bustling up to where Longguo and Sanggyun are in line, he demands to be bought soup. ('Requests charmingly', if you asked Sanggyun). (No one does). Frankly, Longguo's as surprised as anyone that the boy succeeds. It's just that he leaned in close - close enough for Longguo to feel the breath over his chapped lips and count the moles on his face - and sniffled,
"Hyung, buy it for me or I'll sneeze on you."
Longguo jumped away, shoving a confused Sanggyun between himself and the happy kid burying his nose in a giant, grey muffler.
This should be fine then. From that day, the first year's seem to decide that they won't need to slaughter him. Kenta goes from disappointed glances to squiffy smiles that he thinks Longguo won't notice. Longguo doesn't really see where their sudden change came from. But whatever caused it, it means Longguo can go back to having his cat-friend and not having to care what his or Shihyun's friends think. That's how it should be.
However, something bugs him, gnawing at his thoughts. Shihyun remains constantly sick into December. It's annoying that he's so bad at taking care of himself. Shihyun tells them excitedly how he's booked his train to go back to Changwon for New Year. The new moon will fall during that time. Longguo has an image of a sniveling stray getting snatched up by Animal Control. The scrawny black cat spending the holiday locked in the pound on a cold concrete floor.
It takes three days of ignoring Shihyun for Longguo to accept that he's concerned for the other's health and safety. This is sort of irritating. He's not used to these kind of thoughts. He doesn't reply to Shihyun's messages for another three days because he can't decide what to do with this knowledge. When he does, he's met with a few intermittent messages followed by a slew of quotes from some novel along with Shihyun talking to himself about why he thinks the girl shouldn't choose either of the main suitors.
[You're bored]
[Yes]
[Hyung, were you ignoring me? :(]
[No, studying]
[Econ exam coming up]
[Fighting!]
[Come meet me]
[I have something for you]
[???]
[!!]
Longguo waits by the fountain. It's dry during winter, its cherubim's grins unnerving in the silence. The fountain's situated in a clearing along the tree-lined path between the library and the computer lab, where Longguo's been holed up since seven that morning. Sunlight streams through the barren branches. Longguo's hands are fists in his pockets. He hops on the balls of his feet, willing himself to stop shivering. The box in his coat pocket rattles. Longguo stops hopping in order to glower at the ground. Gosh, what was he thinking?
"Hyung! Sorry, I was talking to Gunhee. He's depressed about his English paper."
Shihyun hurries up to him. His face is flushed and he has pen-marks on his cheeks. His jacket's hanging open and his scarf is loose about his neck. Longguo frowns at the fringed ends gently swinging in the air.
"Here," he says, taking the box out and thrusting it toward Shihyun. He needs to get this done with quickly. "Present."
It's a palm-sized turquoise box in a plain paper bag. Yet when Shihyun accepts it, his smile shines more than the clear sunshine on the frosted ground. He slips off the paper bag and shakes open the box. His face falls. He grimaces, lips a thin line.
"Look, it's not exactly for you. It's for the cat."
The kid peers down at the object in his hand and back up at Longguo, copper-flecked eyes hard. He's furious. Longguo takes a deep breath. He knew this would be difficult.
"A lot of strays get picked up this time of year."
"I'm not a stray."
"I know that. But someone might see you sloping around without a collar on and think you don't belong to anyone."
"I don't belong to anyone," he snarls, holding the box away from him for Longguo to take back, "I don't want it."
Longguo stares down at it, arms limp at his sides. Does Shihyun realise he put thought into this? He spent hours choosing it for him. He can't figure out how to make the kid understand. The object in the box is a black choker. It's made of soft leather lace and has a tiny, deep green glass clasp. So it's not a collar, not precisely. It'll stretch flush against Shihyun's neck and, at sunset on the new moon, sit loosely on the cat's. That is to say, it will if Longguo can get Shihyun to accept it.
He pushes Shihyun's hands away. The kid lets him easily. Longguo rolls his shoulders back. Shihyun's eyes are fixed on his and Longguo wishes they only held anger instead of that shimmering hurt.
"Take it."
"I don't want to."
"I bought it for you."
"I don't care. Take it back."
"No one would hesitate about throwing a little stray in the pound."
"I am not a stray!"
"Then whose pet are you?"
"Screw you."
"Whose? A kitten needs to belong to someone."
"I told you - I don't belong to anyone."
"Then belong to yourself, I don't care. Just take it so I don't have to worry about you!"
Shihyun sucks in a breath. His free arm is at his side, hand balled in a fist. His eyes are watery, his lips trembling despite how tightly be presses them together. Longguo silently curses. Oh god, don't, please don't. He's always been terrible with crying people. He never knows what to say and he can't afford to say more wrong things right now.
With shaky hands, Shihyun closes the box and shoves it in his jacket pocket. He keeps his eyes down as he rakes fingers through his long hair and straightens his scarf. He still keeps them down, refusing to look at Longguo when he mutters,
"I don't want it," and marches away.
Longguo clicks his tongue. He kicks the ground. He leans against the fountain, gripping the edge so hard his knuckles turn white. He just wanted to make sure the dumb kitten would be safe. He just wanted to be certain xianli's only friend would come back to play with him in January. Now he's afraid he's gone too far, pushed Shihyun too hard till he won't come back at all.
He gets nothing more done that day. The figures on his monitor blend together and none of the words in his textbooks make sense. All he can think about is that freezing cold night by the river, a voice on the mist, reverberating on his skin.
五
「안아주면 좋겠어
그럼 넌 나와 날 수 있어 away」
Things Jin Longguo accomplishes during winter break:
- Sleeping
- Binge watching the Alien movies over a skype date with Kenta.
- Spending half an hour watching roast chicken rotating on a spit.
- Only stopping because the woman who ran the shop came out to yell at him.
- Buying five (5) roast chickens and methodically eating them down to the bone even though they taste like cardboard to him.
- Sleeping more.
- Getting into a never-ending argument in-game with someone called RedBeanIsNotBean.
- Taking all the graveyard shifts at work because
- Sanggyun's not around to take them and
- That's the only time he can be reasonable certain he'll stay awake.
- (As a leopard cat) getting into a staring contest with a heron.
- Losing because herons are damn cheats with freaky necks and stabby beaks.
- Sleeping lots.
One thing he doesn't do is check social media. It's depressing. All his friends are either with their families or holidaying somewhere warm. Here he is with the customers at the conbini accounting for 99% of his human contact each day. Not to mention his cravings are back, a nagging ache clawing at him with every breath. When that's drowning his thoughts, it's difficult to come up with a nice comment to leave on someone's photo of their dog in a funny hat or their mum drunk on Pimms. The only reason he does check social media in the end, is because Kenta makes a sad-face at him over skype. At the best of times, Longguo's defenses aren't much cop when up against that.
He spends the better part of an hour sprawled on his bed, scrolling through everyone's pictures on his phone. His notebook's beside him to chat with Kenta. There are a tonne of his best friend - either with his family or out drinking and ice-skating with hometown friends. There's Taehyun and some blond guy with a face like a marshmallow, having a barbecue on what looks like a working farm. (Wellington boots and everything!). There's Donghan out shopping with his hyung. Hyunbin looking like a celebrity at some black tie event. Sanggyun and about a dozen friends partying on a beach at night, all in varying states of undress. (Longguo scrolls by fast. He's too pure for Sanggyun's account).
Eventually, he winds up on Shihyun's. The kid hasn't posted much. There are two of him and a couple of friends meeting up at some hipster café, and one of him and his family out for dinner. Shihyun tagged his hyung and Longguo's finger just happens to slip and accidentally press his name. One of the first pictures is the hyung firing up the barbecue and a middle-aged woman, presumably their mum, posing beside him with her wine. In the background, an out-of-focus yet familiar figure is half-visible. That person is wearing a thin black something around their neck.
"What are you smiling about?" Kenta asks conversationally. He's ordered tsukimi udon in an effort to tempt Longguo into eating. (Longguo hasn't told him about the roast chicken incident). He's scrolling through his own phone while slurping up the noodles.
"Nothing," Longguo claims, turning off his phone screen and stuffing the thing under his pillow. "By the way, why are you still here talking to me and not doing something with your family?"
"Because I miss Yonggukkie," Kenta proclaims, putting down his chopsticks just to pout cutely. Then he shrugs, going back to his udon, "And they're all busy."
Longguo rolls on to his stomach. He huffs, this holiday never felt so long before.
When Shihyun does come back, it's a rainy day in January and Longguo is in a very grave battle with RedBean. Youngmin had been around earlier, but he got fed up with losing so went to catch up with friends. Shihyun sends him a picture of the latte he's drinking and 我回來啦 (I'm back) written in hangeul.
[Busy. Come over if you want]
Almost two hours later, the boy turns up. Longguo's nose twitches. He tries not to notice it, but the smell is there - of the shampoo Shihyun uses - the fried rice he ate before coming over - a lingering sweetness from the latte - his cologne that's different from the one he was using before the holiday - and just the smell that's uniquely Shihyun, that clung to Longguo's sheets for days the last time the kid slept over. Longguo, still with his controller in his hands, jerks his head for Shihyun to come sit down beside him. Longuo already has a game to focus on after all.
To be exact, fail to focus on. At this stage, he's barely doing better than Youngmin. Frankly, he's getting trounced. RedBean's mocking him. Longguo grits his teeth. He can do this. He only has to gather his strength and he… takes a grenade to the head. Brains splatter everywhere. Longguo throws his controller away and crosses his arms. A low growl escapes his throat.
"OK?" Shihyun asks, holding his arm. Longguo shrugs him off. Undeterred, Shihyun holds the baggy sleeve of Longguo's jumper.
"Yeah. I'm better than him, but he keeps beating me today. I can't concentrate right."
Shihyun doesn't say anything in response. Longguo sighs. He peers out at the ash grey sky. He inhales long and slow, watching raindrops hitting the window, soaking the tiny balcony and the one limp Rose of Sharon that Youngmin's attempting to grow. He's not sure when it happens, but his arms uncross, hands relaxed on his outstretched legs. He's aware of the warmth of Shihyun at his side, closer than before, though he doesn't feel like pushing him away any longer.
"Did you get rained on?" he asks. When Shihyun nods, he adds, "You're going to get another cold before classes have even started."
"Probably," Shihyun hums, taking Longguo's scolding with far too much levity. Longguo feels Shihyun's fingers loosely tugging his sleeve again. It's a while before the kid speaks up,
"Hyung, the reason you can't concentrate, isn't it because you're hungry?"
Longguo looks at him properly then. His gaze ghosts over the blush that dusts Shihyun's cheeks and the bridge of his nose. His eyes on Longguo are deep black and wide open. Longguo grunts,
"I guess. It doesn't matter though." He retrieves his phone and starts looking through his songs for something that'll suit the constant soft tap of the rain. Shihyun tugs his sleeve again.
"It does matter."
"No. It's not that bad yet. Besides, not when you're like this. It'll wait."
"I heal almost as quickly like this. Anyway, I don't want something bad to happen," Shihyun worries. He's lying on his side. Longguo can imagine his brooding frown and how he's gnawing his lip. So he elects to ignore him in favour of choosing between some songs Taehyun recommended to him.
"Hyung, you know I don't mind."
Ignore him and his pretty eyes on Longguo. Ignore how he's so close and how easy it would be to press him into the mattress and lick his neck. (Ignore how he doesn't usually have thoughts like that when he isn't xianli). Very much ignore the weird instinct to pull him even closer to smell his hair and…
Wait now.
"How can you say you don't mind?"
"Because I don't," Shihyun laughs lightly, "Should I?"
"Yes," Longguo declares, certain on this point. Although, when the boy asks him why, the best be can come up with is, "Because it hurts."
Shihyun grins. Longguo has no idea what was so funny. But, as he's long established, Shihyun is strange.
"Only at first. Afterwards not really. And I told you, I don't mind." Shihyun is still grinning. Longguo is nonplussed.
In order to prove a point (and only for that reason. Longguo is a pure soul - as daemonic wild cats go - and doesn't possess anything resembling an ulterior motive. No, indeed), he shifts towards Shihyun. His hand traces over the boy's shoulder blades to his nape, where Longguo's fingers naturally thread through his long hair. Shihyun freezes. Longguo does his level best to avoid looking at him directly, at his confused stare. Longguo's not entirely sure what he's doing either. He leans close. He presses his lips to Shihyun's.
The kid's grip tightens on Longguo's arms. Other than that, he doesn't respond. Longguo reaches out blindly and his hand finds Shihyun's narrow waist. Then he's so distracted by the solid fact of the warm body in his arms and how his heart is choosing to hammer against his chest, that he momentarily forgets what to do next. He laps at Shihyun's lips and swallows the minute gasp that escapes.
Finally, he feels Shihyun relax against him, feels the tension draining from his shoulders and back. The boy's arms come up to wrap loosely around Longguo's neck. He moves his lips against Longguo's. Longguo's brain stutters to a halt. Drawing the boy closer into his arms, his hands explore the bare skin at the small of Shihyun's back. His lips naturally follow Shihyun's, chasing after his searing breath.
He doesn't know how long they're like that - mouths moving together, Shihyun open and pliant and willing, his hands roaming Longguo's chest, his stomach, his back - but the music's ended and all there is the sound of their breaths and of rain on the windowpane. Like a dream, Longguo remembers what he was planning to do. He softly sucks Shihyun's bottom lip between his teeth and bites. Hard.
"Ah, Hyung!" the boy whimpers, slapping Longguo's chest. He curls up, his fists clenched in the older boy's jumper and his face hidden in the crook of his neck. Longguo supposes it's for the best that he can't look at Shihyun or see the state of his lips right now. He realises his fingers are still gripping Shihyun's hair and he hurriedly lets go, folding his hands in his lap. Shihyun's soft and pretty hair is precisely the sort of distraction he doesn't need. The traces of the boy's touch feel burnt into his skin. He coughs.
"That already hurts and you really want the leopard cat to bite you?"
Shihyun doesn't answer. Longguo scoffs. No answer means he won, doesn't it? His heart's beating so fast that he ought to have won something. Surely. Groping on the bed, he finds his phone and searches for something else to listen to. Something calming, preferably. Calming would be great.
"Hyung," Shihyun whines after some time. Longguo feels more than hears him, his voice a soft vibration against Longguo's neck. He lifts his head. His eyelashes flutter. His black eyes flecked with copper. His lips red and sw-
Longguo drags his gaze up. Distractions, right. He was looking for a song, wasn't he?
"Hyung, you kissed me."
Longguo rolls his eyes. He's not looking at Shihyun's pale skin and messy hair and lips that tasted like -
"I bit you," he corrects.
"While you kissed me," Shihyun insists, poking Longguo's bicep.
"Pff, you're strange, you know that?"
"Must be," Shihyun sighs, "Why else would I like you?"
He rests his head back on Longguo's shoulder, leaning against his side and holding Longguo's arm loosely. Under normal circumstances, Longguo's instinct to shove him away would have kicked in. However, right now he's listening to the rain and the music from his tinny speakers. He's listening to Shihyun's deep, even breathing next to him. The persistant ache of his cravings is dulled by a warmth he can't explain. Longguo can't seem to think of a reason to ever move again.