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The floor was cold, even with your winter socks on. Though it was still May, the feeling of loneliness and grief chilled you to the bone. You felt lonely, partially because you, Sam, and Dean had just lost everyone that you knew. Mary, Cas… even Crowley and Rowena. Of course you were grieving these losses, and so were the boys. Dean was doing so in his own way, to say the least; and Sam was wrapped up in helping Jack.
The walk to Sam’s room felt longer than it normally did. Though normally, you weren’t on your way to his room to tell him that you were in love with him. But finally, you arrived and stopped just inches in front of the wooden door.
Holding up your hand to knock, you hesitated. Due to the nightmare that was the last several days, you hadn’t been able to speak to Sam very much at all. You had planned on telling him how you felt before he set off to take out the British Men of Letters, but you never got to. Plus, Dean needed you after getting hurt while busting you all out of the bunker.
Then, when Sam left, you didn’t know if he’d come back. Of course you hoped, and of course Dean assured you that he would, but truly, you had no idea. And it was one of the hardest things you’d ever had to consider.
You took a shaky breath and finally, knocked on Sam’s door. The number that identified his room had come loose and rattled as your knuckles hit the old wood. You heard a muffled come in, and you slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open.
“Hey.” you said quietly, your eyes being met with Sam’s hazel ones as he sat on the edge of his bed. You stepped in and closed the door behind you.
Sam had just done his damnedest to defend Jack, to justify why you and him were both defending him. But Dean… he couldn’t get on board.
“Hey.” he answered, and offered you a small smile, but there was no hiding the fact that he felt like shit. He too was filled with grief and loneliness. Just as you were. Not to mention that he desperately wanted to help Jack. You could see all of it in his eyes, in the look on his face, in the way he sat on his bed.
“I uh-” you stepped forward and sat down next to him on his bed- “I just wanted to see how you were after.. Dean…”
Sam took a deep breath, “It’s not the first time.”
“I know.” you said.
It was quiet for a moment after that. You could feel the heaviness in the air that said there was so much that needed to be done, so much that needed to be said. Staring at the wall across from Sam’s bed, you thought about how it could use a decoration or two. But that was just your mind trying to distract you.
“I miss them.” you finally said as you rested your head against Sam’s shoulder.
“I do too.” he responded.
This was the first time you were really alone with Sam since before Jack was born. It felt comforting, and normal, yet at the same time, with everything going on it felt cold. Cold and lonely. Even as you rested against Sam’s warm, flannel covered shoulder.
You brought your hand up to hold onto Sam’s arm. This was as good a time as any to tell him how you felt. In fact, it was probably the perfect time to tell him. But you just didn’t know how. You were actually nervous, which was something you weren’t normally.
“Dean will come around,” you added, “It’s only been a few days.”
“You think?” Sam asked.
“Yeah,” you sat up, and looked over at Sam as you absentmindedly reached up with the hand you’d just had on his arm, and moved some of his hair out of his face- “he always does. Sooner or later.”
Sam looked over at you, and if you’d had the guts right then, you would’ve just kissed him. But the heartbreak in his eyes killed you, and you were sure he could see the same heartbreak in your eyes.
As you brushed the stray hair behind Sam’s ear, you made eye contact with him. Just do it,you told yourself, just say it. But just as quickly as you looked into his longing eyes, you looked away, and stood up.
There were clothes piled up on a chair that needed folding, so you walked over to the other side of the room, and picked up the first shirt that laid on the chair.
“You don’t have to do that-” Sam began, only to be interrupted by you.
“Well you’re not going to…” you said as you looked back and smiled at him.
The sound of Sam laughing lightly was like music to your ears. It’d been days, if not weeks since you’d heard him genuinely laugh. You could feel heat rising in your cheeks and after folding a couple of shirts, you turned back around.
“Sam.” you began. You were surprised to see he’d been watching you while you had been turned around, and that his eyes had drifted a little further south.
He wet his lips as he looked back up to make eye contact with you, making your heart rate speed up.
“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” he asked. It was one of those questions that felt more blurted out than anything else. But it was enough for your heart to split in two.
“Sam, of course you’re doing the right thing.” you assured him, shaking your head as you walked back over to the bed and sat down to face him. How could he think something like that?
“It’s just… what if Dean’s right?” Sam said, “what if… what if we can’t save Jack?”
“You believe in him, don’t you?” you asked, “Just like Cas did. Just like Kelly did.” saying their names like that caused your voice to catch in your throat.
“Yeah, I do.”
“Then stop doubting yourself.” you said, and as Sam looked down at his lap, you reached for his chin, and pulled his face up to look at you- “I believe in him too.”
Sam reached up, and took your hand in his. It took your breath away, and the way he looked at you made you certain that he felt the same way. Though you were pretty sure before. You were sitting extremely closed to him, your legs against his and he was almost close enough for you to rest your forehead against his.
“And I believe in you, Sam.” you added, your voice still weighed down with emotion. There was another pause, one where you would’ve probably had time to just tell him already, but again, you couldn’t.
The words where on the tip of your tongue, wanting to be said, needing to be said. It was hard to think with him holding your hand, with the way his thumb stroked the back of your hand. His hand was much larger than yours, and even though it was just the smallest touch, you felt safety in it.
“Y/N…” Sam started, but didn’t finish as he looked up into your eyes again, with a glassy look in his.
This was when you reached forward with your free hand, and lightly grabbed onto his shirt. You didn’t need to pull him forward, he just leaned into you, and before you could process what was going on, Sam’s lips were on yours.
Well, almost. He hovered there, with his lips brushing yours, his breath on your skin. Your eyes were already closed, as were his, and you clutched to each other as if your lives depended on it. Suddenly, you didn’t feel so cold any more as you both closed the distance.
Time stopped, your breath hitched, and everything fell into place in that very moment. Sam was everything you wanted, everything you needed, and you hadn’t even had the chance to tell him yet. Sam’s lips fit perfectly with yours, and you didn’t protest one bit as he pulled you by your waist up onto his lap to straddle him.
His tongue rolled against yours, and your hands came up to cup his face, pulling him even closer to you. An unintentional whimper left you as Sam’s arms wrapped all the way around you, making you feel more than wanted… it made you feel needed.
That’s when you pulled away. This may have been something you wanted for so long… but all you came here to do tonight was tell Sam how you felt. You stayed on his lap, you allowed him to hold you for a little longer, and you rested your head on his shoulder.
“Sam…” you began, and this time, you were going through with it, “I love you.”
You felt him relax, even more than he already was. As if he’d been waiting for you to say it. “I love you too.”
Your breath hitched again, even though you already suspected that the feeling was mutual, it was totally different to hear him say it. Pulling back, you only looked at him, “I wanted to tell you sooner.”
“You told me now,” Sam said, “that’s all that matters.”
Smiling, you leaned in to kiss him again. It almost felt… like a dream. Like none of this was actually happening. That’s when it hit you.
You woke up in your bed, to the sound of Sam saying your name and shaking you. Your heart sank as you realized that all of that was just a dream. Sitting up quickly, you grabbed Sam’s arm, “Is everything okay?” you asked, slightly startled.
“Yeah, you’ve just been sleeping all morning,” he said, “I thought you’d want me to wake you up.”
Nodding slowly, you looked down at your hand which Sam allowed to hold him in place. Was this it? Was everything you wished you had with Sam going to remain in your dreams? Could you even make it a reality? Did he really love you back?
“Y/N, are you alright?” Sam asked, the concerned look on his face bringing you back to the present. That empty feeling your dream had left you with would be hard to get over.
“Um,” you needed to make your decision fast, but you were just scared again. You were scared of rejection, of it not being the right time. You were just… scared, “How… um. Sam, how do you feel about me?”
Maybe it was a strange question for you to ask having just woken up, but that dream was so real. And you did love Sam. You had for a long time.
“I um, I think you’re great, Y/N, why?” he answered.
“No I mean,” you shook your head and closed your eyes tightly for a moment as your heart pounded in your chest, “I-I love you.”
Sam looked shocked when you opened your eyes again, genuinely shocked. Like that was the last thing he’d ever expected you to say. He broke eye contact with you momentarily, and focused his eyes on the lamp you had on your nightstand, “I uh, I love you too.” he finally said, after an agonizing few seconds.
You crossed your legs and just watched him, nervously, not believing what he’d just said. He eventually made eye contact with you, and perhaps if things around the bunker hadn’t been so heavy lately, things wouldn’t have been moving so slowly. But hey… at least they were moving.
Your hair was a mess and you were in your pajamas. Suddenly you felt conscious of your appearance, only for Sam to stand up and reach out for your hand.
“I made breakfast.” he said.
Gladly taking his hand, you let him pull you out of bed as you looked around the room for some clothes to change into before you would make your way to the kitchen. There was no way you would let him see you like this for any longer than he already had. Except Sam pulled you in, and kissed you without warning.
You froze, unsure if this was actually real this time. But when Sam’s hand threaded into your hair, and continued to kiss you until you pulled back to look up at him, you knew it was in fact real. Sam loved you back, and that’s all that mattered.