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JJ isn’t one to get too sentimental over the passage of time, but there’s something magical about autumn that never fails to entice him with almost childlike wonder.
The mass of trees in the park down the block from Otabek’s apartment building are vibrant and alive despite their inevitable demise. He watches leaves fall as the sun creeps lower on the horizon. Halloween is a week away, and the streets are becoming more spectacular with warm twinkling lights and orange gourds accenting the surrounding businesses. The decorated storefronts have little ghosts and witch hats lining the windowsills, and every coffee shop JJ passes advertises their pumpkin spice flavored drinks and deserts.
One of the many coffee shops he comes across has an advertisement for their “blood-red velvet” latte with a vampire joke scribbled in chalk underneath.
How did the vampire fall in love?
It was love at first bite!
JJ laughs to himself. The joke really isn’t too far off.
He shakes his head and continues on his way towards Otabek’s apartment. It’s still hard for JJ to grasp the reality that his boyfriend is a vampire- he honestly feels like he’s living in some grandiose teen drama. JJ teases Otabek sometimes about how he’s the brooding main character, and JJ is met with unamused grimaces.
By the time JJ reaches Otabek’s apartment, the sun has disappeared and only faint streaks of orange and pink remain. He climbs the stairs to Otabek’s floor and digs out the keychain with the spare key that Otabek gave him.
Most nights were like this now; JJ would make his way over to Otabek’s apartment after work to find the vampire just waking up. He’d be curled up on the couch in nothing but his boxers, scrolling through his phone or messing around on his laptop while he waited for JJ. Lately, as autumn progressed, Otabek would be up earlier and lounging in the living room with the curtains drawn.
JJ liked it the best when he’d come in and Otabek was still asleep in bed. He’d tiptoe into the bedroom and curl up next to Otabek so he could enjoy the serenity painted across his face. They didn’t often fall asleep together, considering their very different sleeping schedules and accommodations, so JJ savored every minute he could to see Otabek in this state of blissful sleep.
Tonight, Otabek was curled up in bed, but JJ knew right away that he was awake because the curtains in the bedroom were open. Otabek liked to catch the last glimpses of the sunset whenever he could, after the sun had already dipped below the horizon.
JJ crawls into bed next to Otabek and automatically plants a sweet kiss to his cheek, and then cuddles up and rests his head on Otabek’s chest.
“G’morning,” Otabek mumbles into JJ’s hair, returning the kiss to the top of JJ’s head.
“Did you sleep well?” JJ asks, and Otabek tangles his fingers through JJ’s hair.
Otabek gives JJ a content hum in response and continues to stroke his fingers lazily through JJ’s hair. “Did you have dinner yet? There’s stuff in the fridge.”
“Not yet. What about you, do you need to eat?” JJ asks, and Otabek shakes his head.
“I’m good for now,” Otabek responds. It’s been about a week since Otabek has fed off of JJ, so he must have fed recently, or else he’d be starving by now. JJ knows very well, they’ve discussed this before, that Otabek can’t rely solely on JJ for blood. It wouldn’t be healthy to depend on him every time he needed to feed, and JJ is glad that Otabek is looking out for his health amidst his own. JJ isn’t the jealous type; Otabek does what he needs to for survival, and then comes back home and into JJ’s arms.
“Come help me in the kitchen then,” JJ says, and he detangles himself from Otabek and attempts to pull him up in the process.
Otabek just groans and stays put, a solid heap in the bed.
“Lazy,” JJ teases.
JJ leaves Otabek behind and makes his way into the kitchen. He opens the once empty refrigerator to see an assortment of ingredients. Otabek insisted that he bought all of this stuff so JJ “wouldn’t go hungry when he decides to stop by,” but JJ knows he does it as an incentive to get him to come over more often in the first place.
Not long after JJ starts cooking, Otabek finally emerges from his room. He walks up behind JJ, who’s standing at the stove, and wraps his arms around JJ’s waist.
“Why are you making pancakes?” Otabek asks, burying his head between JJ’s shoulder blades and planting feathery kisses on the back of his neck.
“It’s breakfast,” JJ replies.
“Not for you.”
“Yeah, but this is cute, right? Having breakfast together, all domestic and stuff.” JJ doesn’t need to see Otabek’s face to know that he’s scowling behind his back.
“Whatever you say, Jean,” Otabek replies, defeated. He presses another kiss on the back of JJ’s neck and watches as he cooks.
“Hey, how did the vampire fall in love?” JJ asks as he continues to flip his pancakes.
“What? Oh are you telling a jo-”
“It was love at first bite!” JJ exclaims, and Otabek lets out a loud sigh before removing his arms from JJ’s waist.
JJ turns his head to watch Otabek walk away, who is shaking his head and leaning against the opposite side of the counter.
Otabek knows JJ well enough at this point to take his teasing lightheartedly. Otabek would pout and sigh at JJ’s antics, but he’d encourage him nonetheless.
“Where did you hear that one?” Otabek asks unenthusiastically.
“It was on a sign outside of a café around the block. It made me think of you, mon amour!”
“How charming,” Otabek responds flatly.
JJ plates his pancakes and the two make their way to the table. JJ can feel Otabek’s eyes on him as he eats; JJ sneaks glances every so often and it causes Otabek to quickly diverts his eyes.
He can’t help but think that his weird, shy, emotionally awkward vampire boyfriend is so cute.
“Hey, so,” JJ begins, mouth half full of pancakes, “Seung Gil and Phichit are hosting a Halloween party at the apartment next week. Do you wanna come?”
Otabek looks at JJ and his brow creases. His eyes then focus downward and fixate down onto the table. JJ notices the sudden tension in Otabek’s shoulders.
“You don’t have to, obviously!” JJ reassured him. “I guess this, uh, holiday is probably offensive to you and you probably don’t want to spend your night around drunk people dressed like Hollywood vampires so don’t worry-”
“Jean,” Otabek interrupts. “It’s fine, I’m used to that stuff. We never really celebrated Halloween in Kazakhstan anyway, I don’t really care what people do for it.”
“Then what is it?” JJ asks, and Otabek knows that if he doesn’t want to answer, he doesn’t have to.
In the few months that they’ve been dating, JJ has gotten Otabek to open up a lot more. It was hard at first, it still is. Over time Otabek has opened up about a lot of things; how his dad died when he was young, his childhood in Kazakhstan, how he moved to Canada for school when he was sixteen, how he misses his family.
No matter how many little things JJ learns about Otabek, there are a few things he still won’t talk about. Specifically, the past five years of his immortal life.
Otabek has answered the easy questions, like how often do you drink blood? Do you sleep? Will the sun kill you? Do vampires really have an aversion to crosses? Because my parents are super Catholic and if one day I happen to introduce you I should probably warn you now that there’s crosses all over the house-
Regardless of the severity of the question, JJ won’t push him to talk about anything until he’s ready.
“It’s just not a day worth celebrating,” Otabek replies despondently. JJ can tell that there’s more behind Otabek’s words. JJ doesn’t pry, he just nods and continues eating. The rest of the meal is spent in silence.
◊♦◊
The pair settle into one of their more low-key routines that night. They curl up with each other on Otabek’s couch and watch a movie on Otabek’s laptop. Tonight, it’s JJ’s choice, and he picks some comedy that Otabek seems disinterested in, but agrees to anyway.
Otabek rests his head on JJ’s shoulder and stairs blankly at the laptop screen as they watch the movie.
In the middle of the movie, Otabek interrupts.
“It’s my birthday.”
“What?” JJ refers his attention from the movie to Otabek.
“Uh,” Otabek clears his throat, “Halloween. October 31st. It’s my birthday.”
JJ sits up straight and looks to Otabek with wide eyes. “Really?”
Otabek nods, and JJ reaches over to the laptop to pause the movie. JJ’s hands find Otabek’s, and he shifts on the couch to turn and face Otabek completely.
“It’s not a big deal. I haven’t celebrated since-” Otabek pauses. “I don't age. There isn’t a reason to celebrate, not anymore.”
JJ feels a pang of sorrow rip through his chest. He knows there’s nothing he can say or do to make Otabek think any differently, but he can see the sad look on Otabek's face as he struggles to keep eye contact with JJ.
It hasn't really occurred to JJ that Otabek's infinite existence could be so daunting.
JJ wants to tell him about how it doesn’t matter if his heart doesn’t beat the same way as it used to. He wants to tell Otabek that he may not be human, but he’s still tremendously alive. He wants to hold him, reassure him that his life is still important and worth celebrating, that his sister misses him, and that his mother is still proud of him despite the fact that he hasn’t come back home to visit in over five years.
He doesn’t want to push Otabek away by opening up old wounds.
“You should go to the party. I won’t be good company.”
He decides to accept Otabek's answer. JJ gives him one last pleading look, but Otabek won't budge.
"Jean," Otabek begins, looking into JJ's eyes with sincere fondness, "it really is okay. Have fun with your friends, you don't need to worry about me." Otabek takes the hand that holds his and brings it to his lips for a soft kiss.
"Okay," JJ says with a defeated sigh. Otabek doesn't react, his expression remains conflicted and distant. He reaches over and un-pauses the movie.
Wordlessly, Otabek shifts back closer to JJ, wrapping an arm across his torso and burying his head into the crook of JJ's neck. JJ knows that Otabek isn’t paying attention to the screen, and now he really isn’t either.
Feeling comfortable in Otabek’s arms, JJ drifts off to sleep before the movie is over.
◊♦◊
Otabek sat at the edge of the water and watched the waves crash around him.
It was hot, and he felt beads of sweat pool and drip down his face as he tilted his head up towards the scorching hot sun. He heard a shrill scream behind him, and turned his head to see his sister toying around with a crab that she found in the sand.
The air smelled of salt and sunscreen. Otabek even thought that he could smell his mother's cooking despite being almost a mile away from the summer home that sat atop the beach.
He heard his sister running through the sand towards him, and she sat down next to Otabek quickly, kicking up the fine grains as she settled in.
"What are you doing?" she asked accusingly.
"What do you mean?" Otabek asked in response.
"You shouldn't be out here! You're going to die!" she exclaimed, pointing up at the sun.
"Would that be so bad?" Otabek asked, although it came out like more of a solidified statement than anything else.
Sofia pushed him down into the sand and stuck her tongue out. "Of course that would be bad, idiot. What would mamma and I do without you?"
Otabek didn't answer. He pulled himself up and continued to stare out at the vast expanse of ocean in front of him.
"I think you could take care of her just fine," Otabek responded, although not fully convinced. He then looked towards his sister and saw betrayal plastered across her face.
"You're the one that chose this!" she exclaimed, and her face was turning red with anger. "Mamma's in the kitchen preparing your favorite meal right now, and you won't even be able to eat it! You chose to leave us!"
"I know," Otabek responded, voice cracking as he felt hot tears begin to form behind his eyes.
He turned his head away from his sister, and back to the water. It wasn't blue anymore, but a sea of dark red. He turned his head again to look for his sister, but she was gone. Before he knew it, the sun had set and the moon rose over the sea. The reflection of the moonlight on the blood-red water made the nighttime sky look scorched and unearthly.
Suddenly it all goes black.
A phone, ringtone blaring, wakes up Otabek up from his sleep.
He misses the call before he's able to drag himself across the pitch-black room and make his way to the desk he left his phone on.
He checks the time. It's only noon, and he has at least another five hours to sleep before he would even entertain the idea of waking up. He then notices the date and sighs at the unavoidable reminder that today is- or, should be- his 30th birthday.
Otabek then unlocks his phone to check the notifications. No one really checks up on him now, not even on his birthday. In the past five years, Otabek has managed to cut ties with most people, and the only people he talks to are either on a strictly professional basis, or they're just as undead as he is. Vampires don't celebrate birthdays, none of them have a reason to contact him today.
There are two people who always wish him a happy birthday, despite his sudden disappearance from their lives.
His sister's texts each year get colder, briefer. He doesn't blame her.
His mom calls him, and she speaks with the same fondness that she always has, but there's something new and more profound each time he hears her voice; melancholy laced into each syllable in response to how much she misses her son. The calls are always the same.
Have you been eating okay?
Do you sleep enough?
What's the weather like in Toronto?
Are you coming home to visit soon?
The latter question is always answered the same way. Soon, mom.
They both know it's an empty promise.
He wishes he could just tell them why he can’t come home. He wishes there was some way to make them understand that he made a selfish mistake that he’d never stop being sorry for. If Otabek could go home, if he could step into the hot Almaty sun again, he'd be back faster than a human heartbeat.
He calls his mom back, and she answers after the first ring.
Their conversation is the same as all of the other calls, which happen few and far between.
He keeps his distance. It’s easier this way.
◊♦◊
Otabek sits on the couch with his laptop, mindlessly mixing some new music.
He's getting hungry again, and he knows he needs to feed soon. He doesn't want to leave the apartment tonight though. He knows that the second he steps outside he'll be greeted by kids with bags of candy, flailing their arms and hiding behind their parents as animatronic demons jump out at them from the shadows.
Although, if any night was the most convenient to be a vampire, it would be this one.
Otabek knows that Halloween is a big deal, having lived in Canada for almost half of his life now, and each year he sets a bowl of candy outside his apartment door for the neighbor's kids to indulge in.
He feels pathetic for staying in and wallowing in his own self-pity. Today is one of the only days of the year that he lets himself get so nostalgic and remorseful. Most days, Otabek knows that it doesn’t pay to let his own passions and regrets get in the way of his essential means of survival.
Feelings cloud his judgement, they make him weak. He can’t afford to be weak.
But then, on the other hand, there’s JJ. The only sense of calm, happiness, and purpose he’s felt in the past few years have all been thanks to the man he stumbled upon by chance at a club on just another ordinary Saturday night two months ago.
JJ reminds him a bit of himself when he was still human; full of light and love, and incredibly naive. Otabek thinks that maybe, considering how easily he let JJ crash into his life and upset the balance he created for himself, that he may still be a little bit naive too.
A knock at the door distracts Otabek from his thoughts.
Otabek shouldn’t be getting any trick-or-treaters, the neighborhood kids know to take the candy from the bowl outside of the door. He heads over the door and opens it mindlessly, not even considering to check the peephole before answering.
Otabek’s eyes meet JJ’s unexpectedly.
“Jean,” Otabek starts, but he is quickly interrupted.
“I know you didn’t want to celebrate. But-” JJ says, and he gestures to the giftwrapped box in his hands, “I think you’re worth celebrating. Even if you don’t think so, you mean so much. You’re so important, especially to me.”
Otabek stands frozen in the doorway, mouth slightly agape as he stares at JJ. A familiar ache floods his chest.
After a moment of hesitation, Otabek grabs JJ by the collar and pulls him in for a bruising kiss.
“I love you,” Otabek breathes out after pulling away, lips ghosting JJ’s.
JJ’s eyes widen, and Otabek can hear his heartbeat speed up. He can smell JJ’s blood as it rushes faster through his body and causes his cheeks to flush bright red at Otabek’s confession.
Those three words slipped passed Otabek’s lips before he could stop them, before he could consider the heavy weight they hold. He doesn’t regret it though, he’d never say it if he didn’t mean it.
It’s JJ who initiates the next kiss. He brings a hand to Otabek’s cheek and pulls him in, while holding the present in the other. Otabek steps back, pulling JJ with him into the apartment, and the two pay no attention to the door as it slams shut behind them.
JJ pulls away and Otabek’s lips desperately try to follow his.
“Fuck, I love you too. I love you so much,” JJ whispers into Otabek’s mouth, and Otabek nearly whines as he pulls JJ back in for more.
Otabek has only felt this way once, and he didn’t think he’d ever feel this way again. JJ’s words echo in his brain, and he feels completely and utterly consumed by the amount of pure adoration Otabek feels for him.
They stumble through the apartment together, gradually leaving a clothing trail behind. JJ drops Otabek’s present onto the kitchen counter before stumbling along and into the living room.
They inevitably find themselves on the floor, bodies hot and flushed against one another’s, JJ’s back arching as Otabek presses into him. The two continuously whisper out I love you as hands roam and scratch along the length of each other’s bodies.
Two sharp fangs sweetly pierce sweat slicked skin and JJ cries out, overwhelmed, probably more so than ever before.
Otabek comes with JJ’s name, and blood, on his tongue, and JJ follows not too far behind. They gaze at each other through heavy lids, sharing silent words as they attempt to catch their breathe.
There are open wounds on Otabek’s heart and on JJ’s neck; they will both heal, together.
◊♦◊
Otabek lounges on the couch feeling, content, full, and in love.
“What’s in the box?” Otabek asks as JJ pads back into the living room, present in hand.
“Open it, mon chéri,” JJ replies. He sits down next to Otabek and hands the box over enthusiastically. “You may like one of your gifts more than the other,” JJ says with a suspicious smirk.
Otabek tears the black and orange bat-patterned wrapping paper and opens up the box. The first thing Otabek pulls out is a small piece of black cloth. Otabek eyes it confused for a moment before unfolding it completely. He groans, sounding almost in pain, at the pair of black, skimpy boxers he sees before him. “Bite me” is written in bold red letters on the butt.
“Are you serious?” Otabek grunts out, and JJ lets out a loud laugh. “Are these for me or you?”
“It’s up to you,” JJ says between giggles, “it is your present, after all.”
Otabek rolls his eyes and reaches into the box to grab the next present. He pulls out a small black velvet bag, and he unfastens the strings to take out what’s inside. He pulls out a black necklace with a gold sun pendant attached at the bottom.
It reminds him of home.
“It isn’t much, but it made me think of you,” JJ says. Otabek can feel his chest tighten as he continues to gaze at the necklace. Otabek unfastens the hook and puts it on right away.
He turns to JJ with a loving smile. “It’s perfect, you’re perfect,” Otabek responds and plants a kiss to JJ’s cheek. “Thank you.”
JJ smiles back at Otabek, and the pair stays wrapped up in each other on the couch for a long time.
In this moment Otabek feels just as warm, and just as alive, as ever.