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When Kibum is 6, their family dog dies. He watches as his mother embraces his father in a hug, in sorrow of having lost an old companion. Kibum doesn’t truly understand the emotions he’s feeling but he knows he isn’t sad. Not in the same way his mother cries or his father sniffles. Kibum doesn’t understand tears. He does regret not being able to look through the now cold-blooded furry friend. He wants to know what’s inside.
When he voices out his desire, his mother gasps and promptly tells him that it’s awfully wrong to think like that, that Beau is a family member and you don’t look at family members that way. Kibum frowns but turns back to the hole in the backyard wherein the dog now lies.
The desire to look inside surges through Kibum again when he stands in the church, looking at a closed coffin with flowers all around and a picture of his deceased grandmother beside it. He’s supposed to be mourning like his parents but Kibum doesn’t feel sad. He doesn’t understand why everybody else cries around him and it annoys him to see uncles, aunts, cousins and family friends – people who never knew his grandmother now crying because she has died.
Kibum still doesn’t understand why he can’t look through the insides of his grandmother, look at her heart, her lungs, her liver. He wants to feel strong muscle and soft fat with his fingertips.
He watches with annoyance as they bury his grandmother below the earth, wonders if earthworms and beetles will get the satisfaction of eating and touching her now that he can’t. Kibum’s father draws him into a hug and holds him close, tries to comfort a sorrow Kibum doesn’t feel, but he lets his father do as he pleases. Kibum has learnt to keep his desires for himself.
When Kibum is 10, he meets Taemin. Taemin is only 8, but he’s interesting. Instead of playing with the children in elementary school, he has located himself in the corner of the playground, looking through the dirt with his hands. Kibum hovers around him like a predator, ready to attack, as he observes Taemin dismember earthworms with a small plastic shovel and slowly peel the legs off of beetles, spiders and ladybugs.
“Hello,” Kibum says and Taemin doesn’t even jump when he turns around, two halves of an earthworm in each hand. Their eyes meet and Kibum finds understanding. The boy in front of him will understand the desire to see what’s inside. Taemin doesn’t greet Kibum back, but turns back to his experiments of dismembered beetles and half earthworms.
“I’m Kibum,” Kibum says and Taemin puts the insects back down on earth.
“Taemin,” he says in a melodic voice that doesn’t suit his actions. Kibum sits down beside him and uninvited reaches over to grab the shovel, only to unceremoniously squash the spider with 2 legs. Taemin sends him a wide smile at that.
Kibum isn’t stupid and he knows that what he and Taemin do in their spare time isn’t socially acceptable in their society, but Taemin understands the desire to create and to destroy. They follow the same thought pattern, the same curiosity. It’s reassuring to be able to voice his desires without being met with gasps and reprimands. And while Kibum knows that he can’t ever brag about their accomplishments, he finds consolation in sharing it with Taemin only.
During biology class when Kibum is 13, he’s handed a dead frog. The dead frog stares at him with a blank expression and Kibum frowns at the dead amphibian. They’re supposed to dissect the animal, looking inside and this time it’s completely legitimate to ask questions, to be curious. But it’s wrong.
Kibum doesn’t want to be allowed a look inside, it doesn’t feel satisfactory to know that the animal has died a silent death, put down by drugs and as humanely as possible. Kibum doesn’t want it to beg for him to open it with the scalpel by his side.
He still opens the frog, the sharp knife slicing through the skin like was it an oar through water. The insides spill outside, cold blood staining the desk. Intestines and organs look at Kibum, draws him nearer and nearer until he lets his fingers softly caress the dead animal. With nimble fingers and a precision unlike any of his classmates', he removes the organs until he holds the small heart in his hands.
At the sight of the small organ, Kibum is filled with anger. He smashes his hand in the desk, crushing the small heart in the process and walks out the classroom with bloody hands and everybody looking after him.
Taemin thinks it’s cool that Kibum has dissected a frog during school. Kibum’s parents find his outburst worrying. Kibum himself doesn’t know what to really think about it. He spends a lot of time thinking about the dissection but he can’t figure out why he got angry and it frustrates him. He doesn’t like emotions and he likes them even less when they make no sense to him. They serve no purpose whatsoever and it’s only obscuring logic.
Kibum lowers his head, however, and tells his parents he just got upset with the dead animal because of the cruelty of looking within and they let him off with a hug and a discussion about morality, a discussion Kibum doesn’t really listen to.
Taemin wants to dissect frogs as well instead of insects and Kibum, against society, helps Taemin catch frog after frog near the pond. Taemin smiles wide when he holds the frog still for Kibum to slice open. The red blood that spills from the amphibian brings curiosity and satisfaction out in Kibum. Looking at the way his fingers get colored with the red liquid makes him feel superior.
Taemin releases the frog when it has died and slowly takes over the knife so he can cut out intestines and organs with less nimble fingers than Kibum.
“Hey Kibum,” Taemin says and turns to look at the 15-year-old Kibum. Kibum looks up and stops playing with needles.
“What?” he asks and Taemin sits on the couch and looks at the sharp pins in Kibum’s hands, one stuck through the outer layer of skin on Kibum’s forefinger.
“I want to kiss you.”
Kibum blinks once, twice, thrice before he pulls the needle from his skin and puts it down on the coffee table in front of him.
“What?” he asks again and Taemin shrugs.
“You know, kiss you,” Taemin elaborates. Kibum scoffs before he starts laughing obnoxiously. Taemin reaches over and grabs a needle and starts poking his finger, lets small droplets of blood out onto his skin before he smears them and creates a pattern in red. When Kibum finally stops laughing he looks at Taemin and the masterpiece he’s creating on his fingers.
“Why do you want to kiss me?” Kibum asks and Taemin looks up with a raised eyebrow.
“I don’t know,” he answers. Kibum shakes his head, chuckling before he leans closer and presses his lips to Taemin’s. Taemin squeaks when he pokes himself harder with the needle before he pulls away and stares at Kibum.
“Ew,” he says and Kibum bursts out in laughter again.
It shouldn’t excite him as much as it does, but there’s a bounce in his steps as he turns the corner and finds the small litter of kittens he had noticed on his way to school. They’re still there, vulnerable and alone as their mother has left them, probably to be run over by a car. But Kibum isn’t here to be the hero, to be their safety guard and their protector. No, he’s here in another errand.
An orange tabby meows at him and Kibum sinks to his knees as he lets the small kitten sniff his hand. The glint in his eyes, however, would be worrying was anyone looking in on the scene. Kibum gently lifts the fragile creature in his hands and stares at the large green eyes before he sends it a smile. With the kitten cradled against his chest, Kibum rises to his feet again and starts walking down the street. A small girl sends him a curious glance but is pulled away by her mother and Kibum continues his walk.
He takes a turn to the left and a turn to the right and stands in a neighbourhood of almost identical houses. The houses are made of red stone, the grass in the front yards well-trimmed and the flowers blooming in the late spring. It looks idyllic. The kitten meows in his embrace and Kibum shushes it gently, almost as if he cares.
He walks down the street until he stops in front of a house he knows all too well. On the first floor is a window covered with a black curtain. The curtain is never open, not even during summer when the temperature rises above 25 degrees. Kibum sends the house a wicked smile before he bends down to pick up a small rock and throw it towards the window.
Taemin opens the front door a few seconds later.
“What’s that?” he asks as he eyes the kitten in Kibum’s arms.
“A hot-blooded animal,” he says and Taemin’s eyes shift to excitement and amusement. The small kitten yawns and meows again, this time more desperate as if it knows what’s about to happen to it.
Kibum can’t wait to look inside, to open up and feel the hot blood and the small heart. He longs to kill the animal, for taking away life again like he did the amphibians and the insects.
This is something they have never done before. It’s like they’re overstepping a societal boundary that shouldn’t exist but their curiosity gets the better of them and the idea of murdering the kitten is far too tempting.
They don’t even need the blade when Taemin finds a plastic bag and Kibum places the kitten softly in it, only to close it tight and watch as the kitten slowly loses its breath and suffocates in its own air.
It takes hours before the small creature has died but the fascination of the process is enough to magically bind Taemin and Kibum into watching.
Kibum is 18 and graduating high school. His grades are extraordinary and his parents hope for him to choose a good college and a good education. He has been looking at schools and majors but nothing really pleases him. Taemin joked over a stray puppy that Kibum should become a surgeon so he could hold as many human hearts in his hands as he wanted to.
Kibum hasn’t entirely lost the dream of holding a human heart in his hands but he doesn’t want it to be because he’s saving people. The one thing he has learnt through his teenage-years is that it’s not the muscle he’s holding in his hands in the end that makes the difference, it’s watching the creature die, struggle only to give up to its destiny. The destiny that Kibum creates when he kills. It makes him feel superior and stronger than anybody out there.
The curiosity of what was inside has been replaced with a desire to control, to determine. He wants to be feared because he’s stronger and better than any human has ever been.
Taemin doesn’t understand him anymore. Taemin is still curious, still gets an adrenaline rush out of killing the animals they find or steal from unsuspecting owners. He doesn’t want to be superior, he doesn’t want to create destinies.
It’s okay, however. That means Kibum can be the sole creator, just like he wants to be.
“Kibum, kiss me.”
Kibum turns to Taemin, his hands smeared in his own blood. The open wounds on his forearms lets the blood trail in well-known patterns. It’s not uncommon, his desire to kiss Kibum. Kibum knows it all too well.
Every time Taemin lets the knife color his own skin, they end up kissing. Soft skin marred with bruises and paintings of blood is the tell-tale sign that he needs Kibum.
Kibum sends him a soft smile before he grabs Taemin’s bloody hands and gently rests them on his cheeks. The feeling of the hot blood has Kibum’s heart beating faster in an anticipation he doesn’t really understand. It doesn’t matter however, not with the way Taemin’s lips grazes his own and their tongues dance together to a soft melody.
Kissing Taemin is being in control in the gentlest of ways. Taemin needs to be led to a place where his mind won’t hurt him and Kibum likes deciding where to go. Not that he would really hurt Taemin in their kisses, no, Taemin is far too precious for that. The feeling of being able to, however, has Kibum almost buzzing with excitement.
As their kisses die out and Taemin releases Kibum again, the blood on his forearms are slowly drying and Kibum wishes he could see it run again, just one last time.
Taemin has a brilliant idea. An idea so wonderful that Kibum widens his eyes in surprise that Taemin even managed to come up with such an idea. It’s magnificent. It’s exactly what he has longed for the last couple of years. Taemin sends him a wide smile, eyes almost disappearing in his cheeks and Kibum laughs. This is it. This is the highlight of his life.
The old, homeless man doesn’t know what’s coming his way when Kibum and Taemin passes him on their way to the ice cream truck but he doesn’t need to know. He will know in time.
When darkness colors the sky and the moon shines its soft light onto the alleyways, Kibum and Taemin leaves to find the old man who is now sleeping in cardboard boxes. There are other homeless people in the underground station but none of them bats an eyelid at the sight of two young men walking around like they own the world. It feels like they own the world.
Kibum’s fingers are tense with anticipation of tonight as he looks around for an unsuspecting victim in the corner, trying to get some sleep. Taemin bounces lightly in his steps, almost as if he’s drunk but it’s the perfect alibi.
They mix with business men that enters the train and follows them to the pavement before people scatters and walks in every direction again. In an alleyway is a man looking through a trashcan, searching for something edible in vain. Kibum sends Taemin a smirk and Taemin nods while he looks through his pockets to find a small knife.
They have spent hours planning their first murder of a hot-blooded human. Taemin has read up on how to kill, watched horror movies and documentaries of death row inmates. Yet it is Kibum that is going to do the actual murder, because Kibum is God and he decides who lives and who dies. The man notices him when they are a few feet away and he raises an eyebrow in surprise and confusion.
The question dies on his tongue as Taemin lets the blade glint in the moonlight and the man realizes what’s about to happen. Kibum doesn’t allow questions or pleadings and he grabs the knife from Taemin, cutting his friend in the process before he stabs it into the man’s arm as he raises it to protect himself. The blood that oozes from the wound only strengthens Kibum’s desire to kill and he continues.
The knife sinks into flesh before it’s forced out again, hits bone and scratches muscle before it again sinks deep into internal organs. The blood pours onto the streets as the man sinks to his feet, breathing labored and hands still covering his face to protect himself.
Kibum is so far gone in the repetitive motion of stabbing that he doesn’t notice when the man takes his last breath and when Taemin pulls him away at the sound of sirens in the distance, Kibum regrets that he didn’t get to see life leave the man. They need to kill someone else.
Kibum is 25 years old and he’s moved into his own studio apartment. He’s polluting his lungs with cigarette smoke but it doesn’t matter because he can never die. Taemin practically lives there as well, books never closed and glasses rarely slipping off of his nosebridge as he learns of more ways to kill, of more ways to cover and conceal. Kibum finds it irrelevant to learn these things.
He’s in control so he will never be caught. The police will forever be him inferior because he is Kim Kibum. It doesn’t bother him that Taemin is careful, however. Taemin is mortal, Taemin can be caught for the decisions Kibum makes. It doesn’t matter much to him whether Taemin stays but Kibum knows that Taemin can’t leave either. They need each other. Or – Taemin needs Kibum.
In the small world of their own where Taemin lets the blood flow and draws with razorblades and where Kibum caresses his scars with his lips will they be safe from the outside. The outside is dangerous to Taemin, to mortals who can die in the blink of an eye, will die under Kibum’s hands. But it’s exactly how Kibum wants it to be, dangerous and thrilling.
When he lifts the rotting muscle of his last murder and places it next to the others on the shelves, he knows that the world has more to offer, more he needs to decide. Kibum is God and he will continue to take as long the world continues to give. For every child born, someone has to die. Young, old, rich, poor.
Kibum is relentless in his murders because he is God and he decides. A smile spreads on his chapped lips and Taemin presses against his back while a bloody hand runs over the once beating heart of a young girl. As long as there are people in the world, Kibum is going to take and be unforgiving.
Because God loves nobody.