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The Griffin family was on a spontaneous road trip, shunned by all of Quahog once more. Their crime? Inciting full scale war between humans and chickens. Millions have died, but profits at KFC and Popeyes soared at least.
Peter pulled onto Ocean Avenue. He'd purchased way too many chicken fajitas and had traveler's diarrhea. Lois just glared at him, knowing damn well this would happen. Stewie complained of the rancid gas melting into all of his pores. Brian farted and told his pores to suck on that. Meg said eww, Chris told her to shut up, and she called him a fat sack of crap.
"Meg, be nice to your brother," said Lois.
Oh, that's right. She lived in the one family where the middle child was the favorite. Lucky her.
So the Griffin family all piled into the closest restaurant, a quaint little diner called Bob's Burgers, and everyone had a seat at the booth, except Peter, who ran straight into the bathroom.
"Which one's the toilet?!" he bellowed.
"We... we get that a lot," said Bob. Linda sauntered up to the family and smiled.
"Aww, look at the cute little baby. Isn't he so precious?" said Linda, pinching Stewie's cheek.
"Unhand me, vile woman!"
"Hi, yeah. Whose leg do I have to hump to get a decent martini in this town?" said Brian.
"Oh, you want Jimmy Pesto's. Right across the street," said Linda.
"Lin, what are you doing?" Bob hissed. The Griffins were their first customers all day, and Linda was already shooing them off to Jimmy Pesto's.
Only Brian and Stewie went, though. Lois preferred a nice, quiet lunch in a quaint little burger joint, never mind the sound of Peter's explosive dilemma in the background.
"Oh no! Why are there customers?" said Louise, entering the restaurant with Gene and Tina on tow. "I thought I'd get to goof off and be a kid for once, but nooo."
"Louise," said Bob, and Louise and the others went in back to wash their hands and get their aprons on.
"Oh my. Your whole family runs a business together? That's wonderful," said Lois.
“Too bad we can’t do that,” said Chris. “Because Meg SUCKS.”
Meg just sat there, head in her hands. She was used to the abuse, but it was still embarrassing.
“While sucking is impressive, how well can she blow?” said Gene, blowing into a tuba. It made Chris yell and fall over. Meg laughed for the first time on this whole stupid trip.
“You’re not worthy of feeling joy, Meg!” said Peter from the toilet.
“Oh, put a cork in it, trumpet bum!” said Linda. “Your daughter is adorable. She reminds me of my little Tina.”
Meg smiled weakly. Lois rolled her eyes. Linda was growing progressively less fond of this family.
“Hi, should I take everyone’s orders?” said Tina, walking out with a checkbook and apron.
“No, honey. I’ve got a better idea,” said Linda. She took the checkbook and motioned for Meg to stand up. “Why don’t you take the day off and hang out with this lovely girl. You can show her your ponies.”
“Wow. You mean it?” said Meg, relieved to get away from her family, even for just a little.
“What? No fair!” said Louise.
“You can go play, too. It’ll be girl time. Classic girl time. Oh, you can do each others hair.”
“Linda, we can’t afford that,” said Bob.
“I could use some girl time,” said Gene. “I demand makeovers!”
“No, Gene.”
“I’m with dad. I’d rather work,” said Louise.
“Do you have an interest in erotic fanfiction?” Tina asked Meg. Meg didn’t, but she said yes anyway. Anything was better than being stuck with her family. Anything. So the two of them headed upstairs to Tina’s room, where Tina proceeded to talk about all the things in life that matter: zombies, ponies, butts, Jimmy Jr., Jimmy Jr.’s butt, and so forth. Meg found it all very interesting.
“You’re so cool, Tina,” said Meg. “How did you get so confident and comfortable in your own skin?”
“I don’t know what you mean,” said Tina. “I’m a nervous wreck, just like any other teenager. Have you ever tried putting on a bra two boobs at a time?”
“No, but people have lit themselves on fire to the sight of my muffin top.”
“Huh,” said Tina. “Your muffin top’s no worse than Tammy’s, and she’s a cheerleader.”
“Wow,” said Meg, sadly. To her, Tina was the luckiest girl in the world. She lived in the best town, went to the best school, and her mom actually stood up for her. When Meg broke down and cried, Tina patted her on the shoulder rather than pointing and laughing at her. She’d finally found a true friend.
“OK, diarrhea’s over. The family that hates you is leaving now,” said Peter, grabbing Meg by the wrist.
“Mr. Griffin, you’re the worst!” Tina belted out, and Meg smiled.
“Shut up, Meg,” said Peter. The actual Meg yanked her arm free, miserably following her dad out of the Belcher household. She was wandering right back into misery.
At least until Peter’s foot caught one of Louise’s Kuchi Kopi toys. He slipped and fell down the stairs. Stewie laughed in the doorway. Meg retreated back into Tina’s room, while the rest of the Belcher and Griffin families tended to Peter.
“Guess I’m staying for awhile,” said Meg. “Could you show me some of your Twilight fiction?”
“Sure,” said Tina, pulling out her binder. “Just as a fair warning, it’s non-canonical. I don’t think Bella should have to choose between Jacob and Edward, so she marries both of them.”
“That’s cool,” said Meg. And so Meg and Tina spent the entire day reading and discussing Twilight fanfiction at great length, while Peter was laid up with a concussion.