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1.
seonho’s eyes were half closed, but he still managed to stuff two ddeokbokkis in his mouth. his hair was still wet from the shower and his big glasses were hanging low on his nose, guanlin was worried that they were going to drop into the food. it was their manager’s last treat for them before they headed for the training center the next morning.
“who knows what they’ll feed you in there,” he sighed before pushing the black bag into seonho’s eager hands. “you two are still growing, eat and get lots of sleep, okay?”
guanlin could barely eat though, the nerves had gotten the better of his stomach. it hasn’t even been 6 months since he arrived in korea, and their company was already shipping him off to a tv show he had no intention of joining. the only positive thing about it was that seonho was going with him.
i like you.
well, there was that other reason too. he had resolved to confess to his best friend now, on their final night together.
yoo seonho was his polar opposite, it was almost as if their company paired them up together as some sort of a joke. in addition to the language barrier, he had the tendency to freak out and forget how to function normally around strangers. he spent an entire month admiring the pentagon hyungs from afar, wondering when he was going to get the chance to finally have a conversation with them, and seonho came in and became best friends with all ten of them in the span of two hours. he was resentful at first, but the resentfulness just turned out to be his jealousy, which soon morphed into admiration. he really didn’t stand a chance.
the other kids would feel nervous talking to him in fear of not being understood, but seonho didn’t care. he attempted to start a conversation in three different language despite speaking only one of them. his kindness and desire to make guanlin feel included overrode any sense of shame or embarrassment that he might have had.
guanlin knew that he was destined for greatness.
and he was so far gone that even sitting there, watching seonho sit cross legged on the floor in an old oversized t-shirt, hair messy and glasses covering half of his face, eating like he hadn’t been fed for three days, made his heart pound.
i like you.
this was the perfect opportunity to finally say it, it was just the two of them at the dorm that night, and who knew how long it will take for them to be alone again.
“seonho!” he yelled, startling the poor boy across from him. he tilted his head, unable to answer with all the food in his mouth. “you! have some sauce on your face,” nailed it.
seonho made a disgusting noise in acknowledgement and wiped at his face blindly, causing guanlin to sigh and lean over to do the job himself.
he swiped a careful finger across his stuffed cheeks, and was about to turn away when seonho’s big eyes locked into his. the world around them suddenly stopped moving.
it was perfect, really. straight out of a movie, almost as if destiny had chosen that exact moment to let guanlin voice out his confession.
“i like you, seonho.”
the words hung heavily between them. regret washed over guanlin instantly, but seonho’s eyes didn’t leave his. he just kept chewing for what felt like an eternity.
gulp.
“i like you too, guanlin-ah!” guanlin’s heart stopped beating completely. “you’re my best friend after all,” he smacked his shoulder playfully.
his mouth opened and closed, unsure if he should push further and explain to his dense crush that he liked liked him or just leave it for now and bask in what had turned into a friendship bonding moment.
seonho called him his best friend for the first time, and he couldn’t help but feel overjoyed by that revelation. small steps.
“do you think we’re going to be okay tomorrow?” seonho said suddenly, blinking down at the nearly empty plastic container.
guanlin felt so selfish, for not realizing that seonho was just as nervous as he was, for only thinking about his own feelings and not how they were going to get through the show together.
“they’re going to love you,” guanlin smiled sincerely. how could anyone not instantly fall in love with yoo seonho? “and you need to stop stress eating and go to bed,” he added in an attempt at an impression of their manager.
2.
“so, i heard jinyoung hyung and daehwi hyung are dating,” seonho said casually, like he was commenting on the weather.
guanlin looked around the dorm room to make sure the cameras were turned off. “what? who told you this?”
“jihoon hyung, but i also happen to have eyes,” seonho shoved guanlin so he could have more wiggling space on the bed. “i’m more surprised you’re surprised.”
was he the only one who didn’t know about this? he shoved seonho back. “when did i invite you here? did you even shower after practice?”
seonho looked offended. “you never cared whether or not i showered before. fame changed you, hyung .”
his idiot best friend was not aware that he was more nervous at their close proximity than the smell, which, despite being pretty awful, was nothing that guanlin wasn’t used to.
daehwi and jinyoung had met, became friends, and started dating in the span of two months while he was still stuck in the same place for the past six.
he squirmed away and faced the wall, hiding his beet red face.
“so how did it happen?” he waited for an answer, another long winded story from seonho in which only twenty percent of what he says is actually relevant to the story, but was greeted with his familiar loud snores instead.
he sighed and pulled the thin blanket over him.
“how did you even find out about us?” said daehwi, eyes wide and hands on his chest. guanlin almost felt bad, but then he remembered that daehwi had the same reaction when woojin informed him about what they were having for dinner that night.
“i have eyes,” he blurted. thanks seonho.
guanlin searched around for these pesky cameras again, but the tiny and dark break room had none (yet).
daehwi tilted his head and looked at him expectantly, wondering what could be more important than practicing never .
“i-i- want to confess to someone, i tried before but he didn’t really get it and i thought i’d get some, uh, pointers from you.”
daehwi’s eyes grew the size of a baseball again. “you’ve tried confessing to seonho already?”
“yeah but you know when you talk to seonho and he seems to be having an entirely different conversa- wait. fuck,” he buried his face in his hands, he couldn’t have been that obvious about it.
“i also have eyes, guanlin,” daehwi said, laying the smugness thick on every syllable. guanlin should have asked someone nice instead, like daniel hyung. “to answer your question, jinyoung hyung and i just, you know?”
“i actually do not know.”
daehwi rubbed his temples, like his explanation couldn’t have been any more clear.
“we just, like, we looked at each other one day and knew .”
guanlin nodded thoughtfully. that sounded reasonable.
“thanks! i think i’ll try that.”
the door slammed shut behind him just as daehwi yelled “try what?”
he plopped down in front of seonho at the cafeteria, armed with a new plan and resolve.
“is there something on my face again?” seonho patted his face blindly. “why are you staring at me like that?”
it turned out that communicating the true love gaze was more difficult than expected, especially when your target barely listens to you in the first place.
he leaned over the table and looked harder. wow, seonho had really clear skin.
seonho shoved a spoonful of rice in his mouth.
“you skipped breakfast again didn’t you?” he tsked and shook his head. “you gotta eat more if you want to stay taller than me, hyung.” seonho slid the food tray and walked off.
they headed back to practice, and guanlin messed up most of the choreography trying to catch seonho’s eyes again.
“stop, stop!” jonghyun yelled. “guanlin, take a break,”
seonho followed him out, much to the dismay of his team. “hey hey hey,” he jogged behind him breathlessly, grabbed his arm and spun him around.
an opportunity.
he stared at him again, and seonho glared back this time around. it must have been working.
“what are you doing?” guanlin asked him carefully, trying to make sure that they were on the same page.
“nice try but you can’t distract me.”
“from what?”
he squinted. “our staring contest?” tears started welling up in his red eyes and he blinked rapidly. “ugh, no! wait, let’s go for a second round this one didn’t count.”
guanlin ran back to the practice room. he was never going to ask daehwi for advice ever again.
3.
this was stupid, he was so stupid for crying but the tears just wouldn’t stop coming. he tried his best to cover his face with his hands but his shaking shoulders gave it away.
he couldn’t bear to be doing this in front of him of all people.
“hyung,” seonho said cheerfully, and the word still felt unfamiliar coming from his mouth. he grasped guanlin’s wrists and moved them away. “you’re not crying because of me are you?” he joked.
he pulled him into a hug, and guanlin’s shaky breathing dissolved into choked sobs. he pressed his face into seonho’s neck, his tears staining the grey blazer.
nothing worked out the way he thought it would, his dream had finally come true but seonho wasn’t going to be there, at least not for the next two years.
he wasn’t prepared to say goodbye yet.
“i mean, i know living without me is going to be so difficult,” guanlin could only sob harder. “but i think i can take time off from being an international superstar to call you every few days or so.”
his tears were the accumulation of all the frustration he’d gone through in the past few months, the unspoken words he tucked away into margins of his lyrics notebook, finally hitting the surface and bursting out. he gripped into seonho’s blazer and tried to even his breathing, and seonho pat his back gently in return.
“you’re going to do amazing,” he said softly, his tone turning serious as he realized that guanlin wasn’t going to calm down any time soon. “it’s you hyung, look how far you’ve come already,”
he pulled away from him and smiled. “they’re going to love you.”
guanlin hated himself then, he couldn’t say a word.
4.
it was awkward.
their chat room miraculously remained alive in the three months since their separation, mostly thanks to seonho’s effort, who texted guanlin even when the staff took his phone away. after his little breakdown on that night, seonho spent the next few days talking to him constantly, sending him stupid memes and delivering the latest gossip from the cube building. he didn’t really say anything about what happened, but guanlin could read between the lines.
are you feeling better? are you eating well? it’s going to be okay.
but seeing him again, in real life, around three centimeters taller (not that he could tell, seonho was bragging to him about it nonstop), was a little different. for one, he couldn’t wipe his tears and simultaneously send a laughing emoji.
he didn’t realize it was possible to miss someone when they’re standing right in front of you.
seonho was in the middle of practicing an unfamiliar dance routine when he walked in, and he lost balance and almost fell on his face when his eyes caught guanlin’s in the mirror.
“you got better,” was all guanlin could say after a two minute silence in which seonho kept staring at him, trying to figure out if he was really actually there.
seonho took off his glasses, examined them, put them back again, and squinted.
“how tall are you now?”
guanlin scoffed and rolled his eyes. “still taller than you.”
seonho nodded. “ fair enough. at least i’m still a better dancer than you’ll ever be,” he flailed his arms and spun around the room. “yoo seonho freestyle.”
everything was still there, their inside jokes, seonho in his old sweatshirt, the basketball hoop that they weren’t allowed to use after breaking company equipment multiple times.
but still, it was awkward. there was an invisible tension between them that they refused to acknowledge, a gap that grew wider the more their careers branched.
“as if, i haven’t even shown you all the cool secret moves that jihoon hyung taught me.”
seonho’s easy smile suddenly stiffened. “you should have spent your break with them then.”
oh.
“listen, seon-”
“i’m sure you’d rather spend your vacation with jihoon hyung, you don’t have to be so nice to me,” he was still smiling, but his words were sharp and icy.
“what makes you think i don’t want to spend time with you?” he fired back. he had to beg their staff for days to let him visit the company. this was supposed to be a surprise for seonho, he thought they could get back to right where they left off.
he was going to say it this time for sure.
“i watch your videos, you know that right?” seonho bit his lips. “it was the happiest i’ve ever seen you.”
guanlin grabbed his face and pressed his soft cheeks. “you’re an idiot,” he said. seonho avoided his gaze and sniffed. “i missed you every single day i was away.”
seonho took two steps closer and wrapped his arms around guanlin’s waist. “i missed you too.”
maybe some other day.
“now show me those killer moves.”
5.
guanlin had never felt this nervous in his 18 years on this earth.
but it was nothing compared to whatever seonho must have been feeling. he was gripping into his hand so hard that he thought his fingers were going to break.
“it’s going to be fine,” guanlin whispered assurance, although he was feeling anything but fine. “you’ve been on stage before, and i’ll be right there too.”
“it’s not that- guanlin,” guanlin froze, he hadn’t spoken to him informally in two years. “i have to tell you something.” he dragged him into a dark corner under the stage, unnoticed in the chaos going on around them.
“what is it,” his heart was pounding, the worry casting a deep sense of dread in his stomach.
“i like you,” seonho said, voice shaky, and guanlin wasn’t sure if he heard him right. “i. like. you.” he repeated in english. guanlin continued to stare at him and seonho opened his mouth, presumably to say it in mandarin when guanlin stopped him.
“i like you too,” he smiled easily. “you’re my best friend after all.”
if seonho looked nervous before, it was nothing compared to how he was after hearing that. the poor boy was on the verge of a meltdown.
“no no, you don’t get it. i like you,” he said again, louder this time.
the atmosphere seemed to grow even more frantic around them, one of the staff was calling their names, asking the other members if they’ve seen them, and guanlin pulled them further into the dark corner.
“yeah, seonho, i understand,” he answered through gritted teeth. “i like you a lot too. why would i stay here and debut with you if i didn’t?”
in the three years since they’ve met. guanlin had mastered seonho’s language, and the faint flickers of hope that he carried in his heart throughout his time with wanna one had finally given out.
if he really liked him back, why would he not say a word all this time?
he knew that these words coming from his mouth would never carry that meaning, the looks they sometimes shared meant nothing, the lingering touches were all a part of his wild, usually cruel, imagination. he didn’t even get flustered anymore, and he wish he could. it was a lot more fun when he believed this relationship could even go anywhere.
and seonho had that look. the look he always gave their manager whenever he tried to enforce their diet, when he felt exhausted but still had to carry on during practice, when they weren’t allowed to go out anywhere in the last few weeks leading up to their debut.
pent up frustration, helplessness, anger at his inability to do anything to change things.
he grabbed guanlin’s collar, who grew to a full 187cm, and brought him down to his level.
seonho shut his eyes tight and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips.
“i really, really like you,” he said again, still trembling.
his legs were about to give out. “like, as in….boyfriends?” guanlin asked, just to be sure. maybe seonho was giving him a kiss of friendship. a kiss between bros. a briss.
“what do you call a mix between a best friend and a boyfriend?” seonho answered, like he’s given this a lot of thoughts. “i want us to be that.”
guanlin kissed him a second time, and then a third time on his nose, and a fourth time on his rosy cheeks.
“let’s go with soulmates,” guanlin said. he grabbed his hand and led him back into the chaos of their debut showcase.
seonho nodded, his face flushed, but he wasn’t shaking anymore.
“soulmates. i like it.”