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Will stared up at the ceiling of the room. It didn’t feel like his room. When he had been seventeen, this room had been stuffed to the brim with books. The bed was never made. Clothes and Shadowhunter gear were thrown carelessly onto the floor. Used teacups on his nightstand. He’d been careful not to leave food up here for long, not wanting mice. But otherwise a mess. A space for a boy who thought he didn’t deserve to live better than that.
It was tidy now. The sheets clean and surrounding him with the scent of fresh linen. Books stacked on a bookshelf in the corner of the room. All of his clothes where they should be. The fire cast a warm glow. It should have been easy to let his eyelids fall shut. But everything about this room felt wrong to him. The bed was too large and the sheets were too cool. Tessa’s hair wasn’t brushing against his cheek and Jem’s legs weren’t tangled with his own. Jem wasn’t here humming a melody under his breath, lulling them all to sleep. Tessa didn’t have her fingers in Will’s hair, stroking his curls as she stayed up to read.
He was alone. He hated sleeping alone. He always had.
He used to slip into Jem’s room in the middle of the night. The two of them would curl around each other and protect each other from the nightmares. It was always the best sleep Will could get. He had never been able to rest in his room. It seemed that he still wasn’t.
Three days, Will thought. Only three more days until the Clave representative Hawkblue went back to Idris. This was the first time he had a representative in his walls since taking over the London Institute, and he had to be extremely careful.
Hawkblue had arrived that afternoon. Already Will was feeling an incredible amount of pressure. He needed to seem competent in the way he was leading the Institute around those much older than him. He needed to hide the fact that he was romantically involved with his parabatai’s wife and his parabatai himself. Well, former parabatai, officially. Not that it helped matters much.
Members of the Enclave had come to the Institute for the occasion. They’d sipped their tea and teased at Will.
“With a face as handsome as his, I’m surprised he hasn’t found a wife yet,” Callida Fairchild said.
Jem forced a smile and took a drink from his tea. Tessa adamantly did not look at Will.
Cecily had saved him from having to think of a reply when she said, “The London Institute is his wife, Mrs. Fairchild. And a demanding one at that.”
The Shadowhunters laughed. Will shot a look at his sister. He hoped that the gratitude was unreadable to everyone else but her. Cecily sipped at her tea and raised her eyebrows. The subject was dropped, and they went on to discuss other matters.
Under the table, Jem’s hand had brushed against his, but didn’t dare hold his. Tessa had glanced at him and smiled.
He missed Jem and Tessa. They were on the other end of the corridor. They might as well have been across the ocean.
He sat up and rubbed at his eyes. It was well past midnight. He could go to them. He could go to them the way that he used to as a teenager. Sneaking past Charlotte and Henry as though he were on a mission. Stumbling back to his room before dawn. It had added an extra thrill.
Will got out of bed. He could wake up before sunrise and make it back to this room. No one would need to know.
The difference now was that Charlotte and Henry had known. They’d known and done nothing. It had made this seem like a game more than anything else. It had lessened the severity of the consequences.
If the Clave representative were to find out, there would be. He might lose his position as the head of the Institute. He might lose Jem. Charlotte was the Consul, but even she would not be able to ignore outside accusations. She would be forced to reassign Jem and Tessa away from the London Institute.
Careful not to make a sound in the hallway, he held his breath as he passed the door to the room he’d set aside for the Clave representative. He opened the door to his—their room—the room the three of them shared.
The light in the room was dim. Jem was curled around Church. His eyes were closed, but he was awake, stroking the cat’s fur. Tessa read aloud in a low, gentle voice. She flipped the page of her book and kept going, seemingly oblivious to Will’s presence. He pushed open the door a little further, and it creaked. Tessa stopped reading in the middle of a sentence and her eyes flew up to meet his.
Jem stirred, no doubt startled by Tessa’s abrupt pause. When he noticed Will, his face broke into a smile. He sat up. “Will.”
Will stepped into the room and closed the door quietly behind him.
“What are you doing here?” asked Tessa.
He didn’t answer. He collapsed onto the bed and took the book from her. He set it aside and turned back to her. Will pressed his lips against hers, gentle at first. She let out a half-surprised sound from the back of her throat, pulled away and grinned before kissing him. She held him by his shoulders and he grew more insistent.
Tessa grinned against his kisses and dodged his next one. “Will.”
“I hate this sneaking around,” Will admitted. “It was fun a couple of years ago. But that was before I was the head of the Institute. I have so much more to lose now.”
“What are you saying, William?” Jem asked. Will turned to look at his parabatai, who was sitting up with his hands twisting in his lap.
“I don’t want to lose you,” Will said.
“You won’t,” said Jem, just as Tessa asked, “Do you want to resign your position?”
Will leaned back and considered her. Resigning from leading the London Institute could do many things. It would relieve the amount of pressure he was under. But he didn’t know who would take it over from him. Gideon Lightwood as the head was hardly a nightmare, but if the Clave sent someone from the outside—that would complicate matters further. And Will didn’t want to resign. He could do it. Charlotte had believed in him, and he knew he could, too.
“No,” Will replied. “No, I won’t resign. It’s just frustrating having to keep pretenses. I’ve been doing it for what feels like my entire life. I’m tired of it.”
Jem reached out and took Will’s hand, lacing their fingers together. “I am too, sometimes. This afternoon, when Callida Fairchild—I wanted to scream.”
“I almost did,” Tessa put in. She sighed. “I couldn’t even look at you. I was afraid everyone at the table would be able to tell.”
“It bothers me that others don’t look at you as part of us, the way Tessa and I do. And I know that it bothers you more than you let on that you cannot marry Tessa.” Jem hesitated. “Or me.”
“Or you,” Will confirmed. He was quiet for a moment. “I am married to you, though. In spirit if not anything else.”
Jem softened and squeezed his hand. “And that does not make you any less my husband than Tessa is my wife, Mr. William Carstairs.”
Will’s breath hitched at that. He leaned in for the kiss. Jem let go of his hand in favor of cupping his cheek. The kiss was lazy and familiar. It wasn’t as slow as Will would have liked, but Jem was thorough. Will sighed and chased Jem when he began to pull away.
The kiss stopped, but they kept their foreheads pressed together. Will grinned. “Does that make you Mr. James Herondale?”
“I think he would be James Gray,” Tessa said. “How do you feel about that, Jem?”
Jem brightened and turned to look at their—their wife. Not his, not Will’s, their wife. He took Tessa’s hand and kissed it. That was all the answer Tessa needed. She pressed against the two of them, nuzzling Jem’s neck. He let out a breathy laugh and dipped his head to give Tessa a proper kiss. Jem tended to kiss as though his life depended it, and Tessa wanted to take her time. Will never tired of watching them.
Tessa pulled away and smiled, turning to Will now. “Or if you wanted Jem to be James Herondale, you could be William Gray.”
“William Gray,” Will tested. He couldn’t help breaking into a smile. “I think I’ll switch between the two depending on the day.”
“And what sort of day is it now?” Tessa asked.
“I think it’s a Will Carstairs sort of day,” Will said. “What do you say to that?”
Tessa laughed. “I say that you can call me Mrs. Tessa Herondale.”
“I love you,” Will said. “Tessa Gray, Tessa Carstairs, Tessa Herondale, I love you.”
“I love you too,” Tessa said. “Stay with us tonight if you can’t sleep.”
“I was already planning on it,” Will replied. He got in under the blankets and duvet, pulling Jem and Tessa down with him. The two of them curled up on either side of him. Tessa’s head rested on his right shoulder and Jem held Will’s left arm to his chest.
It was rather easy to fall asleep like that.