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“You’re in love with her.”
“Yeah,” Eren’s comment catches in his throat along with the smoke from a Marlboro when he exhales. The cigarette smoke lingers in the cool air along with a sense of remorse. He’s not lying. He does love Mikasa. In love with her even, so when Jean asks he doesn’t lie. But the way his words catch in his throat leaves the taller male reeling. He’s grasping for strings that don’t exist and Eren doesn’t even notice. At first, Jean has done a good job convincing himself that the disappointment in his gut is because he’s into Mikasa; hell, he’d been pining after her for years after all.
“Oh.” He exhales the smoke through his nose and passes the cigarette back to Eren. They’d been roommates for a little over four years and Jean can’t imagine a day where they aren’t. But he knows it’s coming like the inevitable sunrise threatening to come up and end… whatever this was.
“I know that you’re disappointed, dude. I uh… I know more than you think.”
“What’s that?” He pauses, his heart stopping and his hazel eyes falling up Eren’s hands as he pulls the cigarette to his mouth for a drag. His lips hugging the filter gently, where Jean’s lips had just been. An indirect kiss, they’d joked about it before. Just guys being guys after all. Jean thinks about how a lot of their moments are like this now. Soft, quiet. They used to be quite rowdy with one another and still are at times but when they’re alone it’s peaceful. But right now, Jean thinks he’s been caught red-handed with a crush on his roommate. That’s what it was after all?
Over the years, he’d begun to realize that maybe he felt something for Eren. It was easy to pass off as friendship. Even easier to pass off as nothing at all. Sometimes when he drank enough, he’d realize it was love but the idea was quickly forgotten the morning after.
“You like Mikasa. It’s obvious.” Eren’s voice is so calm that Jean thinks this is almost a joke. He snorts, his eyes narrowing at the accusation.
“Is it?” He mutters, hugging his jacket closer to comfort himself against the cool fall chill. Or well, the chills that came along with being disappointed.
“Relax, I’m not mad.” Jean never thought he was. “Do you believe in true love?”
Jean had always been a factual man, so the idea of true love wasn’t something he believed in. It was a laughable concept at most. But his mouth worked faster than his brain, his eyes lighting up hopefully.
“Yes.”
“Doesn’t sound like you…” Eren points out, flicking the cigarette butt against the pavement and stomping out the embers with his boot. “I just… I don’t think Mikasa and I met by accident. I know maybe that isn’t what you wanted to hear but I hope you’re okay with it someday.” Eren speaks to him like he’s trying to console a child, Jean immediately takes offense. Scoffing, his left leg shakes with both irritation and distress.
“It’s not. Look, I don’t want to hear about you and Mikasa anymore. Okay?” He’s dismissive and Eren is taken aback by the comment.
“Excuse me?” Once again, he’s not mad, he expected this much but he expected it for all the wrong reasons. “Here we go again, I guess it has been awhile since we’ve fought. I should’ve know—”
“You don’t know me! Not the way you think you do!” Jean stands and stares down at the shorter male who’s still sitting. “Don’t you get it?! You’re such a fucking idiot..!” His throat constricts and his fists clench, the only thing he can do at this point is turn and walk away because if he stays any longer he won’t be able to stop himself. He’d always been a man of honesty and he wouldn’t be able to hold back his sudden realization.
While he still doesn’t believe in true love, he also believed that he and Eren had met for a reason. That reason might’ve been for Jean to fall in love with the idiot, like a fool. All of the nights he’d spent awake thinking about Eren; all along he’d thought it was restless hatred.
And like an idiot, Eren can’t help but chase Jean. He half-jogs down the sidewalk to grab the taller man’s shoulder and when he spins him around he’s met with his roommate falling into his arms. This must look silly to the casual passerby. Eren was barely 5’5 while Jean was a massive almost 6’ yet here he was holding him as if he was a child with a scraped knee. Leaning upward on his toes, Eren’s arms laced around Jean’s neck and his cheek rests against the other’s shoulder. At the time, he doesn’t even realize how intimate this must seem. It just comes so naturally, and Jean doesn’t fight it. His arms find their way around Eren’s slim waist and he rocks slightly to comfort himself.
“Jean..?”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“You can tell me…” His voice is soft and for a second, Jean’s ability to think rationally falters. He moves away from Eren’s warmth to stare down at his roommate. He grips his larges hands around the male’s upper arms to drag him closer. Eren, used to casual roughness from Jean, goes limp and his hands rest on the taller’s forearms.
“Just shut up.” The irritable tone of his voice leaves Eren confused, yet curious. He leans closer, his eyes fixated on Jean’s and his heart racing. He feels a rush of exhilaration and the second before Jean’s lips crash against his, he knows what’s happening. He kisses back eagerly, the taste of cigarette smoke and years of unreciprocated love tastes bitter against his tongue. There’s a mutual physical appeal and Eren submits to it for the time being. A faint groan escapes him as he pushes back harder with his lips, the intent being to best Jean at a game he hadn’t started. It’d always been a power struggle between them and he wasn’t about to back down now.
“Jean…” He’s panting heavily, his neck tilting to the side enough to give the taller room to kiss his way to Eren’s collarbone. The way he said his name, breathless and disoriented, leaves Jean feeling almost guilty. What was he doing anyway?
“I said shut up.”
“Don’t stop…” Cupping Jean’s cheeks, he redirects his attention back to his lips, starving. Kissing him with a passion that can’t be faked. He feels like he can’t get Eren close enough, eventually he backs himself back onto the bench and pulls the shorter into his lap completely disregarding the world around them. He rests his forehead to the brunet’s and lets out a loud gasp, completely oblivious to how exhausted he really was. But Eren can’t stop either. he reiterates the kiss, his hands roaming Jean’s body until they’ve slid under the fabric of his shirt. His nails rake over the other’s stomach until he can loop them into the waistband of his jeans.
For awhile, Jean thinks he’s imagining all of this. And despite the pleasure he’s getting out of it, he doesn’t want to go further without answers. But while he knows it’s only going to hurt him in the end, he can’t stop kissing Eren because then whatever they were doing would be over. And after waiting so long, he wasn’t ready for it to just be over. He wants to suffocate here instead of facing the other male after what they’ve just done.
By a sudden change of heart, Eren stops and there’s a long moment of silence before he slides out of Jean’s lap and onto the bench beside him. Another long pause.
“So, uh…that was,”
“Yeah. Look, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, I didn’t know you felt that way about me Kirschtein.”
“Me either. Just don’t say anything to Mikasa. Or well, anyone. I’m not out.” Eren nods, he hadn’t planned on telling anyone but for Jean’s sake, he doesn’t admit that.
“This actually explains a lot. I kinda got the feeling you were into me.” The light teasing seems almost cruel, considering the circumstances.
“You know we don’t have to talk about it right? I just had to…” Had to see for himself. Had to validate whether or not he loved Eren, and he did. “I don’t expect anything. I just want to move on.”
“If you say so.” Eren was both relieved and disappointed, selfishly he wanted whatever this was to happen again but at the same time, he knew he couldn’t promise Jean anything. While he was intrigued by his roommate, did he love him? Jean takes the pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and props one between his lips. Intuitively, Eren holds the lighter out for him but instead of handing it to Jean he flicks his thumb quickly to spark a flame. Jean scoffs yet indulges the gesture.
“Full circle, huh?” Eren’s voice is soft, caring. He’s practical about his approach at first but he can’t help but lean forward to peck a soft kiss on the other’s cheek before standing up. “If you ever do wanna talk about it, you can.” Without any further explanation, he walks away leaving Jean sitting on the park bench in front of their apartment complex. Leaving him full of questions and answers to questions that don’t exist. Even if he was being played, he wanted whatever he could get so the urge to chase after the other was overwhelming. For a second, he doesn’t but he watches Eren go. Every few steps the brunet looks over his shoulder expectantly like he’s expecting Jean to chase him down. By the time he gets to the door, Jean can see the hesitation. Eren’s hand lingers over the handle and he stares towards the blond with a heavy look in his eyes.
“Fuck…/fuck/.” That momentary lapse of judgement and the way Eren looks at him like he’s the only person left in the world leave Jean with a heavy longing that he’s unable to ignore. Flicking the half-smoked cigarette to the curb, he stands up and sprints to his roommate. There’s a certain rush he gets out of being hurt, and there’s no one he’d rather be hurt by.