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jeongguk hasn’t had a particularly bad day.
but by the time he gets home, the comfort of his own apartment surrounding him as he stands in the front entrance, it’s like whatever facade he’s been wearing all day crumbles. and it’s not that he feels sad or angry. just exhausted. tired.
he used to think the exhaustion would go away but sleep doesn’t resolve your extensional crisis and the fog he’s always trying to get ahead of seems inescapable. jeongguk imagines it’s a little like sinking into quicksand. at any given moment, at every given moment, he’s dying.
it’s not the kind of dead he wishes he was but he supposes this was just another way for life to say fuck you.
the television’s on, and what smells like chinese from jeongguk’s favourite place down the road wafts up to him. he smiles, remembers that even if every day is as quietly miserable as this one, he still has a light shining through the fog. he still has jimin.
“i’m home,” he calls out, slipping out of his shoes, loosening his tie. he pulls his jacket off and hangs it on the wooden coat stand jimin had insisted on getting the last time they were in ikea.
jimin’s response is immediate, perky and delighted and warm. jeongguk’s heart skips a beat. “hi baby!”
his head pokes out from over their couch, the yellow blanket they keep draped over the top wrapped around his shoulders. he’d finally gone through with dying his hair blond and if jeongguk was being honest, if he was being himself, he looked a lot like the sun coming out.
“i got food! i figured you’d be tired and i didn’t really feel like cooking. hope that’s okay?” jimin chatters on, chin propped up on their couch.
jeongguk just smiles, feels like he’s temporarily left his sadness hanging off the coat stand, too. he pads over to his boyfriend, chest a weird sort of tight, anxious and at-home all at once. it was a feeling he was still trying to get used to.
“i missed you,” jeongguk mumbles, cups jimin’s face in his hands. he still can’t believe it. holding jimin feels more and more like a dream every time he touches him, and jeongguk keeps waiting for the moment he wakes up, still lonely.
jimin, for all his usual bravado, flushes pretty and pink. jeongguk can’t stop staring at the way his eyes crinkle up, the way the tips of his ears go red, too. he squirms a little under jeongguk’s attentiveness, reaching up to tug jeongguk down, closer. jeongguk lets jimin kiss him, sweet and easy, savouring the plush softness of jimin’s mouth. he wonders how jimin always manages to taste so good, so much like everything jeongguk needs.
“missed you, too,” jimin whispers against jeongguk’s mouth, and it still makes jeongguk’s heart swell in a way that overwhelms him. they were one month away from their three year anniversary. jeongguk had bought an engagement ring exactly eight months ago. it had been a spur of the moment thing, jimin making some off-hand comment about the kind of ring he wanted after yoongi had finally proposed to namjoon. he hadn’t been able to sleep, had lied in bed with the revelation that he’d always known, all those years ago, that it was jimin. it couldn’t be anyone else. but gathering the courage to buy a ring and asking jimin to spend the rest of their lives together were two very different things. jeongguk still doesn’t feel brave enough.
jeongguk kisses the tip of jimin’s nose, and then his mouth, just to feel his lips against his own. “love you.”
“i love you, too, baby,” jimin murmurs, always without hesitation and jeongguk wonders what country he saved in a past life to hear those words from him. “you okay?”
“the usual,” jeongguk replies and jimin’s eyes go softer, frowning just the slightest. he wonders if he’ll ever be able to give a better response, if he’ll ever feel like he deserves jimin’s kindness and patience.
“you wanna cuddle?” jimin asks, and jeongguk only nods, doesn’t let go of jimin’s hand as he walks around the sofa to him. jimin’s got two pillows propped up against one end of the couch and he doesn’t let jeongguk switch them around, makes sure it’s jeongguk who’s lying with his head tucked under jimin’s chin.
“you know i like being the big spoon,” jeongguk grumbles even as he rests his head against jimin’s chest, can hear the steady sound of his heartbeat.
“what if i’ve hated being the small spoon this whole time, huh?”
“you’re a bad liar, hyung, you know that.”
“i’m a better liar than you!”
“that’s just because i can’t lie to you.”
“good, because you better not lie to me. or else!”
“wow, very threatening,” jeongguk laughs, eyes slipping shut. jimin’s hand cards through his hair, nails occasionally scratching over his scalp. it feels good, relaxing.
“don’t be a brat,” jimin scolds, but he presses a kiss into jeongguk’s hair, resting his cheek against him. “i love you, you know that?”
“yeah,” jeongguk breathes, loves how he can’t smell anything but jimin now.
“and you know i think you’re amazing?”
“i’m fine, hyung,” jeongguk sighs, even if he does appreciate jimin’s efforts. but sometimes words are just words and nothing more. jimin’s presence alone is enough, a comfort that feels like a luxury, like jeongguk's won some kind of lottery. “it’s...it’s nice just having you here. it’s enough.”
“okay,” jimin says, quiet. “i’m sorry you’re not feeling good, baby.”
“it’ll pass.” jeongguk’s survived this long, right? besides, he didn’t imagine death quite so intimately anymore. they were less like lovers, and more like friends, sometimes even just acquaintances. that was progress.
jimin hums, doesn’t let go, and jeongguk doesn’t fall asleep so much so as he just lies there with the warmth of jimin’s body, his existence lulling him to a more peaceful state of mind. the hand petting his hair never stops, the planes of their bodies slotted together perfectly.
jeongguk might be trapped in the fog, but the light never dims, and yeah, maybe he’ll be just fine.