Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Monday PM

(2:33) I’m about to slam my head into the wall.
(2:33) Tobio got into another fight.
(2:34) He’s fucking five, how does he keep picking fights.  

(2:35) what a champ

(2:35) What the fuck, Akiteru.
(2:35) You’re not supposed to say that.

(2:36) wrong number bud but legit
(2:36) tobios got a future in cage fighting
(2:36) whos tobio 

(2:38) Oh, sorry. Wrong number.

(2:40) well dont leave me hanging
(2:40) i need to know who to put my money on in the future

(2:41) Don’t make this weirder than it already is.

(2:41) :)))))

(2:42) Tobio’s my son.

(2:43) are you an old man
(2:43) is that why you started texting me
(2:44) STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER 

(2:45) What the fuck, no.
(2:46) I messed up my brother’s new number.
(2:46) Evidently.  

(2:46) eviDENTly
(2:47) arent you all smart and proper
(2:47) thats how i like em 

(2:49) Are you seriously flirting with me over text?
(2:49) You don’t know stranger danger at all.
(2:50) I don’t have time for this.  

(2:53) :(((((
(2:55) come back 

(2:56) I have to deal with my son.

(2:56) what an adulty adult
(2:57) tell tobio hes a fucken champ

.

Tuesday AM

(7:22) sooo
(7:22) i know your brothers name and your sons name
(7:22) but not your name 

(7:25) …

(7:25) hint hint

(7:26) Have you seen the latest stranger danger campaign?
(7:26) It’s got your face all over it.  

(7:27) you think youre being funny but my mates crack jokes about my ugly mug making children cry
(7:28) would tobio cry if he ever saw me 

(7:30) He doesn’t even know what you look like.

(7:31) *image attached*

(7:34) I really don’t have time for this. I’m getting Tobio ready for school.

(7:35) if life were a party youd be the clown that sucks all the fun away
(7:35) XP 

(7:36) Why are you making that face?

(7:36) you hurt my feelings so im sticking my tongue out at you

(7:38) No-one uses that emoji for hurt feelings.

(7:39) i just did
(7:39) XP
(7:39) oh look i just did it again
(7:39) XP
(7:39) and again look at me go 

(7:42) All right, all right, I’ll ask.
(7:44) Tobio says you look like you killed a cat.  

(7:44) how does someone even look like that
(7:44) your son needs glasses
(7:45) what do you think then
(7:45) smouldering eyes wicked grin
(7:45) admit it im pretty 

(7:46) Yeah, pretty atrocious.
(7:46) What’s with that hair?

(7:47) HI THIS IS KUROOS BEST FREIDN FOERVER BOKUTO PLS DONT METNION HIS BEHDEAD IT MAKES HM SELF CONSCOIUS 

(7:47) Aww. Is Kuroo sulking now?

(7:47) sajfkdsjp
(7:47) asdffhajlkkasdfghijkl 

(7:48) I feel like I should be concerned.
(7:50) I am actually concerned.  

(7:51) how do i get rid of a body

(7:51) What.

(7:51) how do i
(7:51) get rid of
(7:51) a body 

(7:51) Cook him and serve him to the police who knock on your door asking for his whereabouts.

(7:52) babe thats brilliant
(7:52) youre a committed accomplice now 

(7:52) On a scale of 1-10, how often do you hit on nameless and faceless strangers over the phone?

(7:52) 1
(7:53) its only ever been you
(7:53) *heart emoji* 

(7:53) I’m flattered.

(7:53) we have a dilemma
(7:54) you know my name and my face
(7:54) ive lost the advantage
(7:54) who are you o mysterious phone man 

(7:54) You really want to know?

(7:55) yes!!

(7:55) Well
(7:55) My name is
(7:55) *middle finger emoji*  

(7:56) i am
(7:56) fucking betrayed
(7:56) my own accomplice 

(7:57) :)))))

.

Wednesday PM

(4:17) *image attached*
(4:17) fight gloves for tobio when he grows up lololol 

(4:20) Don’t even joke about that.

(4:21) did he get into another fight
(4:21) whatd he do steal another kids party pie 

(4:22) He ruined someone’s sandcastle.

(4:22) that punk

(4:22) He also threw the bucket at their head and made them cry.

(4:23) holy shit
(4:23) i know you cant see but im pissing myself laughing 

(4:23) That’s the second time this month.
(4:24) Is he going for a new record? How concerned should I be?
(4:24) I should ask my brother for advice.  

(4:24) okay but in all seriousness
(4:25) dont kids usually act out because theyre upset about things

(4:26) Yep.

(4:26) you sound like you know whats going on

(4:27) Yep.  

(4:27) is the thing not an easy fix

(4:28) Tobio can’t exactly move back into his old neighbourhood and old school.

(4:28) ohhh
(4:28) i get that totally been there
(4:29) though that happened to me in middle school so i handled it differently 

(4:30) You mean you didn’t stomp on sandcastles and throw buckets at people’s heads?
(4:30) Shocking.  

(4:31) real mature of me ayy
(4:31) but its chill tobio just needs time to adjust 

(4:32) He’s been living with me for four months already.

(4:33) hes trying to survive a new environment
(4:33) go easy on him 

(4:35) All good and well until he accidentally kills one of his classmates.

(4:35) what could he possibly do
(4:35) nah dont answer that 

(4:36) You’re not inspiring much confidence right now.

(4:37) okay hows this
(4:38) the most dangerous thing in a school is a pencil
(4:38) if he stabs it through someones eye
(4:38) what are the chances of a five year old having that good of an aim 

(4:39) We could be surprised.

(4:40) lets give tobio the benefit of the doubt
(4:40) have i brought your fears to rest or nah 

(4:50) You’re interesting to talk to, I’ll give you that.

(4:50) is that why youve kept talking to me despite the anonymous and rather suspicious nature of our relationship

(4:50) Sure.

(4:51) *heart eyes emoji*

.

Thursday PM

(6:44) ive been thinking

(6:46) Make sure you give yourself a break every ten minutes. We wouldn’t want to strain your mental capabilities.

(6:47) hush child i got something to say
(6:47) about tobio sort of 

(6:48) I’m listening.

(6:49) so yesterdays conversation made me go all introspective
(6:49) and if all tobios doing is throwing things
(6:50) the lil guy will go far in life
(6:50) i mean when i was five i was eating sand 

(6:51) Congratulations, you just tripped over the lowest bar society set for its most basic standards.

(6:51) savage i love it
(6:52) bokuto just called me a masochist
(6:52) he doesnt even know what that means i bet he learned it from akaashi 

(6:54) …
(6:55) Who’s Akaashi?  

(6:55) the most beautiful man to grace the earth and bokutos boyfriend
(6:55) im not even kidding his face was sculpted by gods
(6:56) *image attached* 

(6:57) Wow.

(6:57) exactly
(6:57) no one knows how bokuto snagged him
(6:58) my moneys on witchcraft 

(6:59) Have a little more faith in your Best Freidn Foerver.

(6:59) hes my best bro but he does NOT have that much game

(6:59) You misspelled Best Freidn Foerver.

(7:00) all right he types like an electrocuted toddler
(7:00) hes there for me during the good bad and ugly
(7:00) and i support him 100%
(7:01) but theres no logical explanation for how he got akaashi 

(7:01) Maybe he has charm.

(7:02) gasp
(7:02) babe
(7:02) did you just imply i dont have any charm 

(7:03) I didn’t say anything of the sort but it’s an apt description.

(7:03) you really are a savage
(7:04) totally my type just saying 

(7:05) For all you know I’m a sixty year old man with whiskers and a pot belly.

(7:05) im a personality kinda guy anyway
(7:05) so what do you look like 

(7:07) Shh.

(7:07) ?

(7:07) Can you hear that?

(7:07) ??

(7:08) Stranger danger.

(7:08) DUDE COME ON
(7:08) or are you actually a sixty year old man with whiskers and a pot belly
(7:08) because no judgement if you are 

(7:10) *image attached*

(7:11) holy shit
(7:11) HOLYS HIT
(7:11) AJGSFAJKALHHJKKKLLLL 

(7:13) Uh.
(7:14) Hello?
(7:15) Are you there?
(7:18) I’m actually kind of worried now.  

(7:20) Hi, this is Akaashi. Kuroo’s fine; he’s muttering to himself on the floor.
(7:21) Something about being sculpted by gods and touched by angels? 

(7:22) What the fuck.

(7:22) Nice selfie :)

.

Friday PM

(9:28) arms
(9:28) abs
(9:28) legs
(9:28) sore 

(9:31) Do I really want to know?
(9:31) No, I don’t.  

(9:32) :(
(9:32) i experienced life death and hell all in the same day 

(9:33) Now I can’t not know.

(9:33) i had vball training for a match next week and it was torture
(9:33) and when we thought it was done no
(9:34) we had practice matches with alumni and it was torture round two
(9:34) then i had coaching which i usually love
(9:34) but the kids kept spiking balls at me
(9:35) 10 POINTS IF YOU HIT HIS BODY 50 POINTS IF YOU HIT HIS HEAD 100 POINTS IF YOU HIT HIS NOSE

(9:36) You play volleyball?

(9:37) thats all you took from that

(9:37) I used to play volleyball in high school.

(9:37) wait are you serious
(9:37) what position?? 

(9:38) Middle blocker.

(9:38) me too!!
(9:38) what are the chances of us both playing vball and being middle blockers
(9:39) this is destiny i feel it 

(9:40) That was another lifetime ago lol.

(9:40) once a vball player always a vball player
(9:40) how tall are you 

(9:41) 195cm, why?

(9:43) 195 and yOU DONT PLAY VBALL
(9:43) this is a crime
(9:44) tell me tobio plays vball 

(9:45) I... don’t think he’s ever tried it?

(9:46) the outrage
(9:46) how could you
(9:47) i just felt my heart crack
(9:47) oohhh the pain 

(9:47) Poor baby. Want me to kiss it better?

(9:47) i
(9:47) ijakl 

(9:48) ??
(9:50) Did you disappear on me again.
(9:50) This seems to be a growing trend.

(9:51) Hi, this is Akaashi again. Kuroo is currently incapacifjskkl
(9:51) WAHT DID U DO TO MY BSET FREIND FOREBER WHYS HE ALL RED N CHOKN ON HIS WORSD 

(9:52) Oh.
(9:52) Scroll up. 

(9:52) OHO
(9:53) OHOHO

.

Saturday AM

(11:10) my mates wont stop laughing at me
(11:10) i live in a house of dicks
(11:11) cant even escape them theyre on my team
(11:11) i blame you 

(11:15) Sucks to be you lol.

(11:15) are you taking pleasure in my pain

(11:15) It sounds wrong when you put it that way.

(11:15) ;)
(11:16) i’m still upset though
(11:16) make me feel better? 

(11:17) You seem to think I possess the ability to feel pity.
(11:17) I don’t.  

(11:18) you know what you do possess
(11:18) the ability to feel annoyance
(11:18) !
(11:18) !
(11:18) !
(11:18) !
(11:18) !
(11:18) is it annoying yet
(11:18) !
(11:18) !
(11:18) !
(11:18) !
(11:18) ! 

(11:19) ALL RIGHT, STOP.

(11:19) victory

(11:20) What do you want.

(11:20) whats your name

(11:20) Are you serious.

(11:20) i wanna know

(11:20) You reek of desperation.

(11:20) not gonna change my mind

(11:21) …

(11:21) wanna do the whole !!! thing again

(11:21) Fine.
(11:21) You’ll ask politely. 

(11:21) dom huh
(11:21) im into that
(11:22) will you pretty please with a cherry on top tell me what your name is 

(11:22) N
(11:22) O
(11:22) *heart emoji* 

(11:24) i cant believe
(11:24) how could you
(11:24) youre so mean 

(11:24) :)))))

(11:25) shouldve expected it
(11:25) do you always play with peoples hearts like this 

(11:25) I enjoy jerking you around. You make some pretty good entertainment.

(11:26) glad to be of service :’)

(11:26) I suppose I could throw you a bone.

(11:26) im not falling for it this time

(11:26) Tsukishima.

(11:27) …

(11:27) My name is Tsukishima.

(11:27) it is
(11:27) up down left right with you 

(11:27) Disappointed?

(11:28) NEVER WITH YOU
(11:28) TSUKKIIII 

(11:28) No.
(11:28) Do not.  

(11:28) i love your name its beautiful like you

(11:29) I revoke your right to say my name ever again.

(11:29) TSUKKIIII
(11:29) *heart eyes emoji* 

(11:32) I have never regretted anything more in my life.

.

Sunday PM

(3:24) You said you have a volleyball match next week, right?

(3:28) is this a dream
(3:28) are you actually texting me first 

(3:29) Miracles abound today.

(3:29) yeah i have a match next week why

(3:29) I mentioned it to Tobio and he got really excited.
(3:30) He made me explain everything. I spent hours talking about rules and moves.  

(3:30) i  knew that kid had the vball genes in him

(3:30) I even dug up some old practice tapes from high school.
(3:31) He’s obsessed with setting.  

(3:31) hed get along with my setter
(3:31) that arrogant ass
(3:31) i love him though 

(3:32) *image attached*

(3:33) what… is that

(3:33) Tobio’s lack of artistic talent.

(3:33) i hope you didnt tell him that

(3:34) He said it was you blocking and scoring the winning point.

(3:35) he drew a picture of me?

(3:35) He captured your likeness down to the last red scribble.

(3:35) omg… omg...

(3:37) It’s not that big of a deal.

(3:37) youre not ruining this for me
(3:37) this is the best day of my life 

(3:37) Remember when we talked about low standards?

(3:37) your son loves me

(3:38) He drew a picture of you.

(3:38) and how many other people has he drawn???

(3:38) …

(3:38) thought so
(3:39) tell my biggest fan i said hello and thank you
(3:39) its the prettiest picture ive ever gotten 

(3:39) Don’t get nudes much, huh.

(3:40) wow
(3:40) WOWW
(3:40) that went beyond savage
(3:40) that was straight up murder 

(3:41) You like it.

(3:41) yeah im really wondering about that masochistic streak

(3:41) About that.

(3:42) ??

(3:42) I was thinking
(3:42) If you were interested
(3:42) I could help you explore that. 

(3:44) i just dropped my fuckign phone
(3:44) are you fucking with me right now 

(3:45) Yes.

(3:46) i fucking hate you

(3:46) No, you don’t.

(3:46) no i don’t

(3:46) Why do you keep falling for these things.

(3:47) actually im falling for you

(3:47) Seriously.

(3:47) hope
(3:47) its all i got buddy
(3:49) is this going to be like last time when you said no but then changed your mind 

(3:50) No.

(3:50) dammit

.

Monday PM

(7:18) happy one week anniversary babe
(7:18) do i get a gift
(7:18) eyebrow wiggle 

(7:21) Did you just type -eyebrow wiggle- at me

(7:22) *video attached*

(7:23) I did not ask for a video of you wiggling your eyebrows.

(7:23) its my gift to you

(7:23) I’m so… grateful.

(7:24) cmon gift gift gift

(7:24) I don’t know, I don’t have anything.
(7:24) Actually
(7:25) *image attached*  

(7:25) omg is that tobio
(7:25) hes so fucken cute wtf
(7:26) look at those hamster cheeks
(7:26) whats he eating 

(7:26) Blueberry cupcake.
(7:26) It’s his reward for behaving in school.  

(7:27) aww no fights today?

(7:28) His teacher said he engaged positively with other students. He was trying to play volleyball with them.

(7:28) omg thats adorable
(7:28) i see where he gets it from
(7:28) are you teaching him how to play 

(7:30) I taught him how to receive but I’m rusty.
(7:30) I should look into classes for him.
(7:30) Do they even have classes for kids that young?  

(7:31) the rec centre where i coach does
(7:31) idk about other places though 

(7:31) Whereabouts is your rec centre?

(7:32) shh

(7:32) You’re not doing the stranger danger thing on me.

(7:32) do you hear that

(7:32) Can you hear my sigh travelling across the wind.

(7:33) STRANGER DANGER

(7:33) Are you done.

(7:33) my centres in tokyo lol

(7:34) It wouldn’t happen to be the Tokyo Sports and Recreation Centre?

(7:34) how did you know that
(7:34) oh my god this is real
(7:34) STRANGER DANGER 

(7:36) It’s a twenty minute walk from my place.

(7:36) i know i just joked about stranger danger but should you really be telling me that

(7:37) Take it as proof that I don’t think you’re a predatory serial killer.

(7:37) thats the nicest thing youve ever said to me
(7:38) *heart emoji*
(7:38) well if youre interested the kiddy classes are wed 5pm and sat 10am
(7:38) you can go to one or both 

(7:40) Hmm.

(7:40) times no good?

(7:42) My brother has Tobio on both those days.
(7:42) I’ll have to talk to him about this.  

(7:43) ahh dont wanna encroach on uncle nephew bonding time

(7:43) I don’t think Akiteru will mind-- he used to play volleyball too.

(7:43) how did you ever think tobio wouldnt be a vball player
(7:44) its clearly in his genes 

(7:44) Wishful thinking. I never really liked volleyball.

(7:45) what no
(7:45) why 

(7:46) It was just a school club. I only did it because it was something to do.

(7:47) you come into my house

(7:48) Lol.

(7:48) well hey its paying off now
(7:48) i bet tobio looks at you like youre a god 

(7:49) Yeah.
(7:49) It’s the first time he’s really looked at me.
(7:50) So thanks.

(7:50) :)

Chapter Text

Tuesday PM

(11:02) so i might be dumb

(11:05) If you have the mental capacity to figure that out, you paradoxically can’t be that dumb.

(11:06) i might not play in the match on thurs
(11:06) i punched a guy

(11:07) Why the fuck would you do that.

(11:08) im a rational guy
(11:08) but when things happen
(11:09) they happen

(11:10) I changed my mind.
(11:10) I’m not letting Tobio anywhere near you. You are the worst role model for him.

(11:10) hear me out
(11:11) its good i swear

(11:12) …

(11:12) so at practice this newbie kept staring at akaashi
(11:12) creepy but harmless
(11:12) but then the dudes hand started wandering
(11:13) so i socked him in the jaw
(11:13) gotta keep the bros boyfriend safe right

(11:15) I’m sure Akaashi appreciates it.

(11:16) nah but bokuto did lololol

(11:16) The question is, how many laps did your coach make you run?

(11:17) dude i ran till i hurled
(11:17) make me feel better?
(11:17) *sad face emoji*

(11:20) The newly discovered dinosaur fossils in China have changed the way scientists understand the evolution of feathers.

(11:22) huh
(11:22) not quite what i had in mind but cool

(11:23) It’s my job.

(11:23) youre a geneticist who collects dino dna from amber
(11:23) YOURE GOING TO BRING THEM BACK

(11:23) I’m a research assistant.

(11:24) doesnt mean you dont know how

(11:24) Amber DNA is too deteriorated for any type of resurrection.

(11:24) but if you could
(11:25) would you

(11:25) Yes.

(11:26) million dollar question which dino though

(11:27) Velociraptor, duh.

(11:27) not a t rex?

(11:28) T-rexes were lumpy potatoes with useless arms.
(11:28) Velociraptors had claws on their hind legs for disembowelling prey.
(11:28) You tell me which one’s superior.

(11:29) youre so fired up its great
(11:29) keep talking dinos to me

(11:31) I would but I have articles to type up before tomorrow.

(11:31) what an aDULTY ADULT
(11:31) doing his JOB AND HAVING PROSPECTS

(11:33) Do you mock young and successful people because it temporarily alleviates the worthlessness you feel on a daily basis?

(11:35) savage af

(11:35) :))))

(11:35) i never shouldve went to uni
(11:36) dietetics then sports med?
(11:36) regret tastes like ash in my mouth
(11:36) fucking murder me

(11:37) That was very poetic.

(11:38) you like poetry?

(11:38) I don’t mind it.

(11:39) hypothetically
(11:39) could bad poetry seduce you

(11:40) Hypothetically
(11:40) No.

(11:40) damn

(11:41) I bet you’re the type of person to fall for sappy crap like that.

(11:41) damn right
(11:41) in elementary school a girl wrote me a poem
(11:42) we dated all the way from recess to lunch

(11:43) Your longest relationship, huh?

(11:44) all from a shitty roses are red poem
(11:44) i bet you can do better
(11:45) seduce me o seductive seducer

(11:47) Congratulations, I have literally never been less turned off in my entire life.

(11:48) to reiterate
(11:48) 1. i am dumb
(11:48) 2. regret tastes like ash in my mouth

(11:49) Mmm.
(11:50) You know what else tastes like ash?
(11:51) *image attached*

(11:53) oh baby
(11:54) you could never taste like regret
(11:54) now take that cigarette out of your mouth

(11:54) Yes, daddy.

(11:55) hjlfkllkkl
(11:56) okay i need you to stop fucking with me its bad for my heart

(11:56) :)))))

.

Wednesday PM

(8:13) tsukki you cant just do that

(8:14) Do what?

(8:14) i almost rolled into an early grave

(8:14) I have no idea what you’re talking about.

(8:14) do you know what its like to turn around and see the brightest blueberry eyes in the entire universe

(8:15) Oh, you mean Akiteru taking Tobio to the recreation centre?

(8:15) I SAW STARS IN HIS EYES TSUKKI

(8:16) Tobio said he had a lot of fun.
(8:16) I’ve never seen him so animated before.

(8:17) your son is adorable
(8:17) i dont have favourites but hes my favourite

(8:17) Don’t spoil him.

(8:18) no promises
(8:18) your blueberry son is everything that is good and pure in this world
(8:18) im so proud of you

(8:19) Me??

(8:19) well you made him

(8:19) You must’ve slept through Biology in high school because making a child is a two-person job.

(8:20) clearly tobio got his good looks from you

(8:20) We literally look nothing alike.

(8:21) are you telling me tobio has two beautiful parents
(8:21) lies
(8:22) pics or it didnt happen

(8:22) ...

(8:23) i just realised how that sounded
(8:23) and i in no way meant to ask you for a picture of you sleeping with tobios mother

(8:27) I have never
(8:27) Laughed so hard in my entire life
(8:28) I choked on my fucking tea.

(8:28) whoopsss

(8:29) But since you asked
(8:29) *image attached*

(8:29) please dont tell me thats actually a pic of you two fucking
(8:29) because i would be really weirded out

(8:30) That’s not a picture of us fucking.

(8:30) im trusting you okay
(8:31) OH MY GOODNESS
(8:31) AHAHAHAHAH
(8:31) SHE IS SO BEAUTIFULLL

(8:31) She gets that a lot.

(8:32) im having a hard time trying to figure out if im jealous of you or her

(8:32) No point. We’re not together.

(8:33) i figured if you were you wouldve said something earlier
(8:33) so let me guess
(8:33) she cheated on you

(8:34) No.

(8:35) you cheated on her

(8:35) No.
(8:35) Do I look like a cheater?

(8:35) hey i dont stereotype

(8:35) There was no cheating. Just unfortunate circumstances.

(8:36) one night stand accidental baby?

(8:36) Yeah, close enough.

(8:37) thats tough
(8:37) it happened to my older sister too
(8:37) but she ended up marrying the guy
(8:37) they were like fuck yeah lets be a family
(8:38) so now im the proud uncle of a literal ball of snot

(8:39) That was Akiteru when he held Tobio for the first time.
(8:39) He couldn’t stop crying.
(8:39) It was gross.

(8:40) dude was holding the future in his hands
(8:40) of course he was crying

(8:40) You cried when you held your literal ball of snot for the first time, didn’t you?

(8:41) THIS ISNT ABOUT ME ITS ABOUT YOU
(8:41) BACK TO YOUR ONE NIGHT STAND

(8:41) You need to be a level five friend to unlock my tragic backstory.

(8:41) well okay
(8:41) what level am i at now

(8:43) Zero.

(8:44) what
(8:44) how can you say that
(8:44) we had an anniversary
(8:44) your brother loves me
(8:45) your son adores me

(8:45) My brother what now.

(8:45) did i forget to mention??
(8:46) we bonded over vball
(8:46) now were texting buddies
(8:46) we talk about you ALL THE TIME

(8:48) You’re lying.
(8:48) Akiteru would never do that to me.

(8:48) you had a dinosaur nightlight until you were eleven

(8:49) …
(8:49) Excuse me.
(8:49) I have a murder to commit.

(8:49) tell akiteru i said hi!!

.

Thursday AM

(9:23) WISH US LUKC TSUUKIIIII

(9:24) You’re… Bokuto. The Bset Freind Foreber.

(9:24) YAEH YOU RMEMEBR ME
(9:24) I STOEL KUROOS PHONE LOL
(9:24) WE GOT OUR MATHC TODAY
(9:24) HES PLAYIGN TOO

(9:25) Even after he punched that guy in the face?

(9:25) COAHC IS A GOOD UPTSANDING MAN
(9:25) WHO DOESTN TOLERATE SEZXUAL ASSUALT
(9:25) I ALSO MAY HAVE THROWN A TANTRNM ON COUTR

(9:26) I’m impressed. Good job.

(9:26) WE’RE RARIGN TO GO
(9:26) LOOK AT US WE LOOKS O GOOD
(9:27) *image attached*

(9:27) Yeah, you blurs look really good.

(9:27) OKAY OKAY WAIT
(9:28) *image attached*
(9:28) AKAASGHHI TOOK TAHT ONE
(9:28) AWESOME AYYY

(9:29) Are those
(9:29) Sleeveless red jerseys
(9:29) ?  

(9:29) YAEEHHHH
(9:29) WAIT THISS IS EVEN BETTER
(9:29) CHEKC THIS OUT
(9:30) HOLD ON

(9:30) *image attached*

(9:30) ...

(9:30) GROUP FLEX

(9:30) I

(9:31) LOOKGNI SEXY SMEZY RIGHT
(9:31) ;))))))))) 

(9:32) No.

(9:32) LIAR I BET YOU’RE BLUSHIGN

(9:32) Go warm up before your match.

(9:32) IM TELLIGN KUROO!!!!!!

.

Thursday PM

(3:16) a lil birdie told me
(3:16) youre into
(3:16) BICEPS 

(3:17) It’s a lie.

(3:17) so this does nothing for you
(3:17) *image attached* 

(3:17) ...

(3:17) oikawa and akaashi
(3:18) slender and toned specimens
(3:18) 7.5/10 

(3:18) You have got to be kidding me.

(3:18) dont be shy no judgement here
(3:18) *image attached*
(3:18) terushima and ushiwaka
(3:19) terushimas built but ushiwakas got power going
(3:19) 8/10 and 9/10 

(3:19) I can’t believe you right now.

(3:19) *image attached*
(3:19) these are bokutos
(3:19) amazing right my boy is STACKED
(3:20) 10/10 

(3:19) Please stop.

(3:20) the real killers though
(3:20) *image attached*
(3:20) IWAIZUMI
(3:21) look at that
(3:21) he could choke me and id thank him 12/10 

(3:22) Are you done with the meat parade?

(3:22) just one more
(3:22) *image attached*
(3:22) ME
(3:23) what do you think?? 

(3:23) I’m not stroking your already inflated ego.

(3:24) i know for a fact youre not a blushing virgin
(3:24) now stop being shy and rate me 

(3:24) You’re ridiculous.
(3:24) Fine.
(3:24) Solid muscle. Good definition.
(3:24) 9/10  

(3:25) only 9??
(3:25) im hurt im insulted
(3:25) would it make a difference if i used a filter 

(3:26) Why not.

(3:26) *image attached*

(3:26) Superb musculature, clearly the result of endless hours of hard work.
(3:26) 10/10  

(3:26) i knew it
(3:27) i gotta go rub this in oikawas face
(3:27) he will rue the day he ever thought he was better built than me
(3:27) text later okay 

(3:27) Kuroo.

(3:27) yes dear

(3:27) You forgot to tell me.
(3:28) Did you win the match?  

(3:28) YEAH LOL

(3:28) Congratulations.

(3:28) thanks babe
(3:28) the thought of you kept me going strong
(3:28) *heart eyes emoji*

.

Friday PM

(10:23) i wondered what’d gotten tsukki so riled up
(10:23) and then i saw all the biceps
(10:23) loolllll  

(10:25) im intrigued
(10:25) who is this mysterious person with tsukkis phone

(10:25) ahh i’m yamaguchi
(10:25) tsukki’s best friend
(10:26) i may or may not have borrowed his phone when he wasn’t looking  

(10:26) devious
(10:26) i like it 

(10:26) ur going to like this a lot more

(10:26) oho?

(10:26) it’s friday night
(10:27) which means it’s karaoke night
(10:27) with everyone from work  

(10:27) there wouldnt happen to be
(10:27) alcohol
(10:27) involved would there 

(10:28) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(10:28) you bring great news friend
(10:28) so what do i need to sacrifice to get a vid of tsukki
(10:28) doing a drunken rendition of my heart will go on 

(10:29) that’s a big request
(10:29) tsukki hates performing
(10:19) especially to cliches  

(10:30) okay but you do have the ability to make him to do so

(10:30) that depends on what ur willing to sacrifice

(10:30) you ARE devious
(10:30) all right what do you want

 (10:32) ur number and ur firstborn

(10:33) im devoted to tsukki just saying
(10:33) firstborn no problem 

(10:33) i want ur number bc i want to keep u accountable
(10:33) not bc i’m interested in u, u loser  

(10:34) i can see why you two are best friends

(10:34) we have a deal??

(10:34) fuck yeah lets go

(10:34) gimme fifteen minutes
(10:34) tsukki’s already tipsy on strawberry daiquiris  

(10:34) this is gonna be so good
(10:34) lets go lets go lets go 

.

(10:53) i am
(10:53) a GOD
(10:53) *video attached*  

(10:57) AHAHAHAHA
(10:57) this is
(10:57) the second best day
(10:57) of my life
(10:57) omg is this real its beautiful 

(10:58) he is SO BAD, RIGHT

(10:58) is he better sober

(10:59) no but he can rap sober

(11:00) are you fucking with me

(11:01) nopee

(11:01) what do i need to sacrifice to see that

(11:01) u couldn’t afford it
(11:02) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  

(11:02) worth a shot
(11:02) youre a true bro anyway 

(11:03) why thank yoyiijkpll

(11:03) you okay bud

(11:03) What teh fuck

(11:03) tsukki??
(11:04) babe
(11:04) so me and your bestie bonded too 

(11:04) Waht the actual fuvk
(11:04) I’m too drukn to typpe
(11:04) You fuckign pick up whenm I call  

(11:05) wait what

Tsukki Tsukki Daitsukki <3 is calling…

“Uhh… hello?”

“I… I am going to… gouge your eyes out.”

“Holy shit, you’re slurring. You’re soo drunk.”

“Hi, Kuroo!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“Kuroo, you shit. I sh… should’ve known you’d do something like this.”

“Hey, Yamaguchi was the one who filmed you!”

“Ohh no, don’t blame me, you enabler!"

“You know what, I’m not even sorry. That was wicked. Oh my god, I’m definitely in love.”

“What a complete dick… hole.”

“Aw babe, you’re so eloquent when you’re drunk. What did Yamaguchi give you, hmm?"

“JÄEGERBOMBS, WHOO!”

“Fucking disgush-- disgusting.”

“Then why’d you drink it, you dork?”

“Ughh…"

“Don’t forget you owe me, Kuroo!”

“Gonna kill you both.”

“I dare you. Come to Tobio’s practice tomorrow and we’ll have a fucking throwdown.”

“I’m going to be so hungover.”

“I double dare you.”

"Fucking… fine.”

“Wow, Kuroo. You’re really good at riling Tsukki up, you know that?”

“It’s a special talent. Now you boys enjoy the rest of your night. I’m going to watch that rendition one more time and laugh myself to sleep.”

“FUCK YOU, KUROO!”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

“Aww, you guys.”

“YOU FUCKING--”

Click.

.

Saturday AM

(7:46) GOOD MORNINGGG
(7:46) THROWDOWN AT 10
(7:46) DONT FORGET

Tsukki Tsukki Daitsukki <3  is calling…

“Uh-oh. Am I in trouble?”

“I fucking hate you.”

“Soo… your head is pulsing, your throat is parched and you want to die in a hole?"

“I was unconscious. Unable to feel pain. Now I’m back in the world of the living.”

“Don't be mad. If you drag your ass down to the rec centre, I’ll get coffee for you.”

“...”

“Is that a yes?”

“Large black.”

“Black coffee? Are you serious?”

“It matches my soul.”

“O-kay, anything else?”

“Strawberry muffin.”

“Your soul confuses me.”

“And something for Tobio.”

“No shit, duh. Akiteru?”

“He can starve.”

“Still haven’t forgiven him for telling me about the dinosaur nightlight, huh?”

“And I’ll never forgive you if you bring it up again.”

“Bring what up again?”

“Good boy.”

“Can we revisit that conversation about kinks again?”

Click.

.

Saturday AM

(9:47) ive got coffee and muffins
(9:47) hot chocolate for tobio
(9:47) and a latte for akiteru bc im not an ass 

(9:52) Fuck.

(9:52) i know youre mad at akiteru but no need to get hissy

(9:52) It’s not that.
(9:52) We can’t make it to practice anymore.  

(9:53) ????

(9:53) Tobio’s mother is here.

(9:53) whoaa what

(9:53) I’m really sorry.
(9:53) Especially since you bought breakfast.
(9:54) I’ll pay you back.  

(9:54) dont worry about it lol
(9:54) ill share it with the other guys 

(9:54) Are you mad?

(9:55) kinda disappointed but not at you
(9:55) its not your fault 

(9:55) I really am sorry.
(9:56) I need to go, but I’ll text you later okay?  

(9:56) no need to stress
(9:57) practice is about to start anyway

.

Saturday PM

(1:28) Are you free to talk now?

(1:29) kuroos sperm bank
(1:29) you squeeze em we freeze em 

(1:29) That is disgusting.

(1:30) tsukki its time for the talk you never got when you hit puberty
(1:30) what you must realise is that masturbation is healthy and natural 

(1:30) We are not having this conversation. Ever.

(1:31) babe dont be embarrassed
(1:31) one day youll have to have the same convo with tobio lololol 

(1:31) Please don’t remind me.

(1:31) you doing okay

(1:32) I’ve had a shitty morning.

(1:33) id also be in a bad mood if i were hungover and my ex showed up uninvited

(1:33) She’s not
(1:33) Whatever.  

(1:33) not... your ex?

(1:34) She can’t be my ex if we never went out.

(1:34) idk you had a one night stand with her

(1:34) It’s complicated.

(1:35) have i reached level five friend yet

(1:35) …

(1:35) im here to listen

(1:37) I guess you might be a level five friend.

(1:37) hell yeah

(1:37) I can’t believe this. I don’t even know you.

(1:38) im hurt
(1:38) you just blessed me as your level five friend

(1:40) I don’t know where to start.

(1:40) lets start small
(1:40) howd you meet her 

(1:40) Shimizu was my senior in high school.
(1:40) We weren’t close but we kept in touch after she graduated.
(1:40) Study tips and stuff like that.  

(1:41) thats cute
(1:41) sounds innocent 

(1:41) It wasn’t ever anything more than that.
(1:42) We just
(1:43) There’s a lot to learn about yourself when you’re a teenager.
(1:43) And we thought we could help each other out.  

(1:44) seems like you two trusted each other a lot

(1:44) We did.
(1:44) Do.
(1:44) But there was never a relationship.
(1:45) We slept together but neither of us really wanted it.  

(1:46) what do you mean?

(1:46) I’m gay.
(1:46) Shimizu’s ace.
(1:46) We both cried afterwards.
(1:47) Pathetic, right.  

(1:47) i dont think thats pathetic at all
(1:47) you bared your vulnerabilities to each other
(1:47) and learned something about yourselves in the process
(1:48) it takes a lot of courage to do something like that 

(1:49) I guess.

(1:50) so tobio was the result of that huh

(1:50) Yeah.
(1:50) It was bad.
(1:50) Our families were so pissed at each other.
(1:51) They talked about abortion and marriage and all that shit.  

(1:51) i dont envy you at all
(1:51) that mustve been a complete shit storm and a half 

(1:51) Shimizu and I considered a platonic marriage.
(1:52) But we didn’t want to do something neither of us wanted again.

(1:52) so wedding nay but baby yay

(1:52) Tobio lived with Shimizu.
(1:52) Until she got a job offer in America.
(1:53) She thought a new country would’ve been too much for him.
(1:53) You know how that turned out.

(1:54) stomping sandcastles and chucking buckets
(1:54) i still think tobios a champ 

(1:55) Dickwad.

(1:55) i love you too babe
(1:55) but seriously you and tobio have been doing a lot better
(1:56) hes talking to you and his teacher said he was playing with other kids 

(1:56) Tobio had
(1:56) He’d settled.
(1:56) He’d looked at me.
(1:57) But one glance at Shimizu today and
(1:58) It was like I didn’t exist again.
(1:58) Fuck.
(1:58) I can’t do this.  

(1:58) hey hey hey
(1:58) tobio was just excited to see his mum
(1:58) four months right
(1:59) he wouldve missed her like crazy
(1:59) he wants kisses and cuddles
(1:59) doesnt mean hes forgotten his old man 

(2:00) First of all, I’m not old.

(2:02) ...
(2:02) second of all??

(2:02) I don’t have a second of all. 

(2:03) LOLOLOL

(2:03) Shut up, I’m emotional right now.

(2:03) naww babe
(2:03) youre just overthinking things
(2:03) talk to tobio
(2:03) hes five but he understands shit
(2:04) tell him you love him just as much as his mum does
(2:04) then throw in a vball reference or something idk 

(2:04) You’re so helpful.

(2:04) even if tobio doesnt understand everything
(2:04) verbalising will help sort out your emotions 

(2:05) I thought you were doing Sports Medicine, not Psychiatry.

(2:05) i am an old man with decades of wisdom

(2:05) There it is.

(2:05) what?

(2:05) STRANGER DANGER.

(2:06) i cant believe
(2:06) i walked right into that one 

(2:06) Lol.

(2:06) feeling better?

(2:07) Yeah.
(2:07) Thanks for listening to me vent.
(2:07) It did help clear my head.  

(2:08) thats what level five friends are for

(2:09) I’m still sorry about missing practice this morning.
(2:09) Can I make it up to you?  

(2:09) how about
(2:09) lets do this properly
(2:10) and go on a real date 

(2:11) I
(2:11) You want that?  

(2:11) youre intelligent witty and hilarious
(2:11) you love your son and would do anything for him
(2:12) plus youre the most beautiful person ive ever seen
(2:12) theres no reason i wouldnt want to 

(2:12) Wow.

(2:12) thats a very lacklustre reaction

(2:13) No, I’m just
(2:13) Surprised. 

(2:13) good or bad surprised?

(2:13) Good surprised.
(2:13) I didn’t expect you to be so straightforward.  

(2:14) i have literally been calling you babe and sweetheart and dear

(2:14) I thought flirtation was an integral part of your personality.
(2:14) Am I wrong to assume you flirt with everyone?  

(2:14) well no
(2:15) i joke around a lot
(2:15) but i mean it with you
(2:15) youre amazing in every way 

(2:16) I really don’t know what to say to that.

(2:16) how does this sound
(2:16) you me and tobio
(2:16) at the park tomorrow
(2:16) picnic and volleyball 

(2:18) You’d want Tobio there?

(2:18) of course hes my favourite
(2:18) and also because hes important to you 

(2:18) Nice save.

(2:18) so picnic?

(2:18) Yeah.
(2:18) I’d like that.
(2:19) Tobio’s excited too.
(2:19) He says he’ll help make riceballs.  

(2:19) thats the cutest fucken thing ive heard all day
(2:19) BOKTUO BRO HIGH FIVE ME IM GOING ON A PICNIC WITH TSUKKI AND TOBIO TOMORROW ADN IVE NEVER BEEN THIS EIXCITED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE 

(2:19) Kuroo.

(2:19) uhh
(2:20) wrong number
(2:21) fuck it NO REGRETS

.

Sunday AM

(9:12) Hello, is this Kuroo?

(9:15) yeess
(9:15) whos this 

(9:17) My name is Shimizu Kiyoko.

(9:17) wait as in
(9:17) tsukki and tobios shimizu?? 

(9:18) Yes.

(9:18) uhh hey
(9:18) not that i dont want to talk to you
(9:18) but why do you have my number 

(9:19) I took it from Tsukishima’s phone.
(9:19) Our last few conversations he mentioned your name and it piqued my curiosity. 

(9:19) tsukki talks about me?

(9:20) He doesn’t think you’re a nuisance.
(9:20) That’s very rare. 

(9:20) what can i say
(9:20) im charming when i want to be 

(9:20) Tobio is quite taken with you.
(9:21) That’s also very rare.
(9:21) You’re the exception to the rule; I’m sure you understand why I’m curious. 

(9:22) i guess but i dont know if theres much to say
(9:22) we all just like volleyball 

(9:22) Your influence helped smooth out their relationship.

(9:22) it wasnt much
(9:22) i just mentioned vball and things went from there
(9:22) it was all them 

(9:23) You helped them find common ground in their lives.
(9:23) I know how difficult it was for them beforehand. 

(9:23) they wouldve figured things out eventually
(9:23) theyre amazing as they are 

(9:24) You sound fond of them.

(9:24) i am
(9:24) tobios a good kid
(9:24) and tsukki makes me laugh
(9:24) mostly at my own expense
(9:24) but i like that he doesnt hold back 

(9:25) Tsukishima holds you in similar thoughts.
(9:25) He’d never admit it but I know him well enough.

(9:25) so this conversation
(9:25) are you basically sussing out whether or not im a piece of shit

(9:25) Yes.

(9:25) how am i doing so far

(9:27) You’re fine.

(9:27) oh thank god

(9:27) I don’t understand. You sound relieved?

(9:27) well youre tobios mum
(9:27) and tsukki has a lot of respect for you
(9:28) so your opinions pretty important

(9:30) I’m surprised. Not many others would consider that. 

(9:31) idk it makes sense

(9:32) I’m glad Tsukishima found someone who accepts our unusual circumstances.
(9:32) I was afraid my decision to keep Tobio would affect his future relationships. 

(9:32) tsukki wouldnt care about people like that anyway
(9:33) hed give tobio the world before he gave it to anyone else
(9:33) but who wouldnt for a kid like that 

(9:35) I think the same, but I may be biased.

(9:35) tobios earnest and hardworking
(9:36) determined to challenge himself
(9:36) you raised a good kid 

(9:36) Thank you. That means a lot to me.

(9:36) its the truth
(9:36) so i have passed your inspection or nah

(9:39) There’s a lot I want to say but I’ll keep it brief for both our sakes. 

(9:39) yikes

(9:40) I care for Tsukishima and Tobio so much more than I can put into words.
(9:40) I hope it means something that I think you’re good for them. 

(9:41) oh
(9:41) yeah
(9:41) yeah it does
(9:41) thanks
(9:41) im not eloquent enough for this
(9:42) but i care a lot for them too
(9:42) and ill take care of them
(9:42) for as long as theyll have me
(9:42) for as long as youll let me 

(9:44) I can see why Tsukishima and Tobio like you.

(9:44) tsukki only likes me for my biceps

(9:44) Funny.
(9:44) Tsukishima is actually reading this over my shoulder. 

(9:45) uh oh
(9:45) is he sulking now 

(9:45) A little bit.
(9:45) He does have a weakness for muscles. 

(9:46) I KNEW IT
(9:46) AHAHAHAHAHA
(9:46) hes never going to live this down 

(9:47) Oh, I shouldn’t have let that slip.
(9:47) Tsukishima’s mad at me now. 

(9:47) bless his sensitive soul

(9:47) He’s telling Tobio to spike a ball into your face.

(9:48) what

(9:48) Tobio might actually do it.

(9:48) shimizu
(9:48) i know were merely acquaintances
(9:49) but help 

(9:50) Strawberry shortcake.
(9:50) It’s Tsukishima’s favourite. 

(9:50) thats adorable
(9:50) i owe you one 

(9:50) Then take care of them.
(9:50) Or I’ll take care of you. 

(9:51) wh

(9:51) Have fun on your date.
(9:51) Tobio will tell me all about it.
(9:51) :)