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Harry’s yelling at him and he doesn’t know what to say, he can see his lips moving and he can hear the angry words spewing out of his mouth but Louis doesn’t know what to do other than silently take it.
“-supposed to do? Stand there and watch you be happy with her? Be blind and not see anything? Smother myself and just take it silently? Is that what you want me to do?”
He’s looking down at Louis with wet eyes and his hand shoots up to wipe away the wetness and rub at his runny nose. He looks like he’s fighting one last fight, like he’s going to give up after this.
Louis knows Harry’s hurting, he knows he’s been hurting for a while now. And he wants nothing more than to take the pain away. But he can’t, not here. Not while there are people waiting for them to finish the photo shoot.
“Can we talk about this when we get home? I promise—“
“You promise what? That you’ll sit me down like a petulant child and explain that this is what we need to do? That it doesn’t matter what I—“
“Harry, please. Not here, I know that you’re upset and trust me love, it does matter but wait for a bit. When we get home—“
“I am going to Grimmy’s tonight.”
And that’s one sure fire way to get Louis’ blood pressure shooting through the roof.
“You’re what?”
“I need to be away from you a while. I’m going over to Grimmy’s.”
“I don’t want—“
“Yeah well, we don’t always get what we want.”
And with that he walks away before Louis can stop him. From where he’s standing, he sees Harry’s retreating figure with his shoulders hunched in and his head bowed, his hands flying to his face to wipe away any semblance of distress left on his features.
He wants to rush after him and he’s already started to walk before a sharp voice stops him in his tracks.
“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you. You have to get started on your solo photos, and Harry needs to look at the ones he’s taken. Where the fuck is he? Have you seen him?”
He can see Harry turning around the corner, his hand pulling his curls into place as he disappears without a glance back, Louis wants to run after him but like many times before this, he can’t.
“Have you seen him, Louis? You both just disappear off to god knows where and we’re supposed to get this finished tonight. Are you listening to me?”
“Huh?”
“Oh for God’s sake, Louis. Just go to the main room, I’ll go look for Harry. And you better get your arse straight there, no wandering around.”
“Yeah.”
“Just, it’s an hour tops. You can go home after, you don’t look so good.”
“Yeah thanks.”
His legs start walking toward the main room where the shoot is going on but his mind is elsewhere. He can’t get the image of Harry looking helpless and frustrated out of his mind. This is not the first time he’s looked like that, and every time because of Louis.
He doesn’t want Harry to feel so helpless, so powerless but he doesn’t know how to make it stop. Their careers depend on keeping quiet. A lot rides on hiding and pretending, even though it kills him. It kills him to think that the world doesn’t know how much he loves Harry. It kills him to think that nobody knows, that they might never find out.
It kills him that for other people it's like the love between them never existed, it scares him and keeps him up at night to think that they might walk away from each other someday and nobody would know what they shared. But it kills him more to think that Harry might someday walk away from him.
And it absolutely kills him to see Harry like this.
“Louis! Where did you run off to, mate? I was looking for ya, your mum called.”
“Oh, I’ll call her back later, Paul said I need to—“
“Okay, Louis! You’re up!”
“Uh, yeah. Niall, could you call her back and let her know I’ll call her when I get home?”
“Yup, got it.”
He smiles at Niall as the lad walks away from the room to call his mum. He thinks he needs to finish up the shoot and talk to Harry before anything. Just get him to go home, sit down and have a chat. Then he’ll call his mum and let her know he's okay.
“Okay, I want you to look angry and frustrated. Can you do that for me?”
He hears himself snort before he can help it, because angry and frustrated is literally all he’s been feeling for days now.
“Okay, that’s good that’s good, a little more anger.”
He thinks he’s doing pretty well, if the words of the photographer are any indication. And then Harry walks into the room. That’s Louis’ cue to forget everything around him.
He just can’t help it, it’s been like this since the first day. For three years now, the second his eyes fall on Harry, everything else disappears. The world just stops for a second. He’s gotten quite used to it over the years, gotten better at hiding it but the thoughts running through his mind are making it difficult for him to hide it right now.
He knows Harry is mad at him, he knows Harry’s angry and it’s just an instinct to find his eyes across the room to make sure he’s okay. Harry’s not looking up though and Louis can tell he’s doing it on purpose.
“Louis! I need you to concentrate. Look at the camera but make it look like you’re not. Kind of nonchalant.”
He wants to listen, he does but he can hardly pay any attention when Harry’s standing on the other end of the room with his face closed off and quite opposite of his usual smiling, charming self.
“Louis, do you need a minute? Look, we need to finish this—“
Zayn walks over to where Harry is looking at a file with his lips pursed and jaw set, undeniably angry. Zayn puts his arm around his shoulder and leans in to whisper something in his ear as the intern walks away. Harry’s face breaks into a slow smile that brings back the dimples Louis so dearly loves.
Zayn is smiling next to him and says something else that makes Harry throw his head back and laugh out loudly as Louis feels a weight lift off his shoulders.
“Here’s what I need you to look like, see how she’s acting all nonchalant and dismissive even though she’s got a—“
He finally looks away from Harry to see the photographer standing next to him with a laptop in his hand. He’s looking down at something and asking Louis to look at the model’s face and it takes him a second to look down at the screen and when he sees the photo, panic fills his chest before he even fully realizes what he’s looking at.
The man is still talking not having noticed Louis’ wide eyes and panicked face. He can feel his breaths coming in shortly, his vision fades for a second before it goes back to normal and back again. He knows what’s happening but he can’t tell anyone. Words won't come out, they never do.
All the noise in the room slows down to a thunderous silence, it’s eerily quiet. He can see visions that he’s seen in nightmares before and he can’t get them to go away even if he closes his eyes. He’ll see them behind closed eyelids, in darkness-he knows from experience.
He feels hands touching him but he wants to get away, he doesn’t want anything touching him. His skin.
He pushes the hands away. They go to his face and he recognizes the touch. Harry.
***
He wants to stop everyone from what they are doing, he wants to scream to the world that Louis is not seeing a model. He is not dating a uni. student. He is not a dancer’s boyfriend.
He is Harry’s.
But he can’t. It’s killing him to stay silent and watch as people tell Louis how happy they are for him.
He’s been quiet for years, just watching from the sidelines and waiting for someone, for Louis to stand up and say, ‘No. This is not who I am with. This is not who I love. Harry is who I love.’
But he’s been waiting for three years and nothing.
He takes a deep breath and looks down at the intern handing him copies of his photos to look at. He can feel Louis’ eyes on him from across the room and he wants to look. He aches to look up and reassure Louis that he’s fine but he can’t. It’ll only make him want more than he already does.
Zayn sidles up next to him and whispers quietly in his ear, “Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?”
He can’t help but smile because he knows a silly joke is coming. This is Zayn’s way of cheering him up when the lad senses his distress. He always comes to Harry with the silliest joke and every time he ends up laughing. He may go back to being upset but at least it makes him laugh once. The intern walks away when she sees that Harry isn’t paying attention to the photos anymore.
Zayn leans in again and waits a breath before slowly whispering, “Fo’drizzle.”
He’s laughing before he knows it, that’s just the kind of person he is. He knows it’s a stupid joke, he knows it’s not that funny but he can’t help but throw his head back and laugh loudly.
When he finally sobers up and opens his eyes, he sees Zayn looking over to Louis who is listening to his photographer. Harry’s about to look away – because he’s not allowed to look at Louis for too long – when he sees Louis turn his head toward the laptop that the photographer has in his hand. Louis’s looking down and Harry almost turns around to smile at Zayn and he would’ve missed it if it was a second late but he doesn’t miss the panic that crosses Louis’ face when he looks at the laptop.
Harry can see him draw a deep breath and his eyes widen as his feet stagger where he stands. He can feel dread filling up his own chest while the photographer doesn’t even notice Louis flinching next to him. Nobody notices.
Harry’s running across the room before he even realizes what’s happening, he pushes someone aside to get to Louis faster. He hears someone calling his name from behind him and he thinks it’s Zayn but he can’t be sure and he sure as hell can’t be bothered to stop and check.
In his mad rush, he pushes a few people and knocks over a camera stand but his eyes are fixed on where Louis’ frail form is almost fallen to the floor and his arms are slack in the air, not even trying to stop his fall.
In a matter of moments, he runs up to the little platform and puts his arms around Louis before he can fall and pulls him up, but Louis is pushing against his arms. He is struggling to get away from him and that’s when he knows what’s happened. He’s seen this and done this way too many times in the middle of the night to not know.
He removes his hands from around Louis’ back to hold his face steady and to let him know it’s him. Louis stops struggling as soon as Harry’s hands cradle his jaw and he rubs his thumbs on Louis’ cheeks. He pulls his hands away but not before sitting down on the cold ground and tugging Louis to sit between his legs and pull him in so his back rests snugly against Harry’s chest.
Louis is breathing ruggedly and his eyes are shut, Harry’s arms find their way around Louis and he holds his right hand and takes it to Louis’s chest. He moves his hand that's cradling Louis’ in a circle over his chest, he knows the spot he’s done this enough times. He can feel Louis' hand trembling and it breaks his heart, it hurts to see him like this but he knows he’ll be fine. He just has to hurry.
Harry leans in and starts to whisper slowly in Louis’ ear.
“Even though I’m afraid of snakes, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Nothing. He says it again. And again. He can feel Louis’ back stiffen against his chest before he lets a deep breath out and relaxes a bit. Harry keeps moving his hand and starts speaking again.
“Even though I’m afraid of snakes, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
He feels Louis’ hand move within his own and a soft voice join his the tenth time he says it.
“Even though I’m afraid of snakes, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Louis leans his head back against Harry’s shoulder and he feels him taking a deep breath before repeating it again. He tightens his grip on Louis’ hand and repeats the affirmation.
When he can feel Louis sagging against his chest and letting out a shudder, it breaks him out of his trance. It breaks him out and he is furious. When he opens his eyes and looks around, he sees everyone still and staring at him. Zayn is standing very close and he motions with his head toward Louis who’s still leaning lifelessly against him with his eyes closed shut.
When Zayn sees him nod toward Louis he leaps forward and takes his place behind Louis while Harry stands up slowly. Zayn is going to try and get Louis to stand up when he’s calmed down a bit and he would love to stay sitting and holding Louis but he needs to do something else first.
“Which one of you fuckers thought this was a good idea?”
He winces internally when he hears his own voice, it’s echoing off the walls and he wishes he hadn’t cursed but honestly he can’t find it within himself to care. His eyes land on the photographer who’s standing with the laptop loosely clutched in his arms.
“YOU! What did you show him? Did you know he has a serious phobia? Did you research that before you shoved a triggering photo in his face? DID YOU?”
He knows he’s being a bit unreasonable right now but what if he hadn’t been around? What if nobody had noticed before Louis passed out like that one time last year when Harry had sat with his limp body in his arms for a good hour before he could call anyone for help. He’d been too much in shock to do anything and then carried this overpowering guilt since that day thinking what if something more serious had happened just because he was in shock.
“HE COULD'VE GONE INTO SHOCK! HE COULD’VE PASSED OUT! DID YOU THINK OF THAT, DID YOU?”
He’s yelling now and spit is flying out of his mouth but he can’t stop. His frustration from earlier has bled into his nervousness and he just can’t stop.
“WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN? CALL FUCKING ELEANOR? SHE DOESN’T KNOW SHIT! NOBODY KNOWS SHIT! I STAY UP WITH HIM ON THE NIGHTS WHEN IT GETS TOO MUCH! I HOLD HIM FOR HOURS WHEN HE TREMBLES AFTER NIGHTMARES. I—“
He feels strong arms pulling him from behind and someone whispering in his ear.
“It’s okay, mate. He’s okay. Come on.”
It’s Zayn. He looks around wildly and sees Louis sitting on the same spot and looking up at Harry with wet, shocked eyes. All fight leaves his body when he sees Louis’ face soften as their eyes meet.
Zayn lets him go when he stops struggling against him but he stays close.
Everyone else is frozen, they’re looking warily at Harry. Shock evident on every single face in the huge room save Louis’.
Niall and Liam are standing a little to Louis’ right and they both look like they’ve seen a ghost. The photographer looks like he’s two seconds away from shitting his pants. The little intern girl is half hiding behind him.
Paul is standing near the door but he makes no move. People look on with wide eyes and open mouths as he stands fixed in his spot.
He’s got nothing else to say.
He’s already said more than he should have. More than they’d ever let him.
But it’s out now. And he’s not taking it back.
Niall walks over to him and squeezes his shoulder before offering him a smile.
“We should go home, it’s been a long day.”
Nobody protests as Liam and Zayn start moving and Niall follows them.
He still can’t move from where’s frozen on the spot till he sees Louis silently stand up and walk over to him. Harry holds his breath waiting for Louis to say something but he just looks at the ground.
He feels fingers intertwining with his and Louis’ small hand tugging on him and pulling him to walk away with Louis. He doesn’t resist.
***
When he wakes up the next day he finds Louis looking at him with a soft expression, but he can’t help the nervous tick in his belly. They hadn’t spoken much last night after coming back from the photo shoot. It had been a silent dinner and then they’d gone to bed without any mention of what had happened earlier.
And now he waits for Louis to chastise him for yelling and saying all those things.
He closes his eyes hoping that would make it easier to hear the harsh words he’s certain are coming.
What he feels instead are warm lips on his and his eyes snap open at the touch. Louis pulls back and smiles at him and whispers ‘Thank you.’
When he picks up his phone and sees a text message from Grimmy, he nervously hides the screen from Louis to read it. He knows Grimmy and Louis don’t get along so he’s always tried his best to keep the two separate.
‘I had £100 on you two coming out next year. Fucking Tomlinson.’
He can’t help the shriek that escapes him when he reads the text. This means everyone knows. They all know.
“I’m glad he lost the 100. Fucking bastard.”
Louis says before pulling Harry back to himself and kissing him roughly as he straddles his waist.
***