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Author's notes: Thanks to members of my Live Journal friends list for their feedback and support: justalurkr, or_mabinogi, juliabk, _minxy_, lovellama, aurora_novarum, aizjanika, lt_kitty, janedavitt, spacemonkeyphd2, eviljr, amnellwyvern, ducks_in_a_row and cerianite. Without them, I might never have written this, so blame them. And a special thanks to the folks at Solutions for hosting the Breadbox Editions and the episode transcripts I massacre.
INT. THE AUTHOR'S MIND
AUDIENCE: Scary place.
SLASHERS: Oh, look! Porn!
WRITERS: The show's been cancelled! [muttering] About damn time! Now we can move on to something bet-ter!
SCI FI EXECS: Yes, now we just need another hour and we can have cheesy bug movies two days in a row!
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA FANS: You're not looking at us, are you?
SCI FI EXECS: Oh, no, you're our media darling!
ATLANTIS FANS: [gulp]
HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: Oh noes! We must save our show!
OTHER HALF OF THE AUDIENCE: It's been a good ten years. Qué será, será.
NOROMOS: Well, mostly good. Once you learn to close your eyes and say, "La la la la, I can't hear you!" at the appropriate times.
WRITERS: That's been our feeling on the subject for ages.
TEAL'C FANS: [are stoically silent in protest]
AUDIENCE: And how's that working for ya?
TEAL'C FANS: [activates staff weapons]
AUDIENCE: Moving right along.
NOT EXACTLY JONAS' FAN CLUB: It's been nine years, 'kthanxbunches.
FANS WHO QUIT WATCHING A FEW SEASONS BACK: You mean it's still on?
ATLANTIS FANS: [smug]
SCI FI EXECS: Don't get too comfy.
ATLANTIS FANS: Eep!
BITTER FANS: Can we save the show from the writers?
WRITERS: Hey! We heard that!
BITTER FANS: Good. Now if you'd only listen.
AUDIENCE: So now there are just ten new episodes left?
WRITERS: And two made-for-TV movies that'll be just the bestest things evar! It'll be new, it'll be fresh, it'll be...
AUDIENCE: It'll be sounding like a feminine hygiene product.
NOROMOS: Well, at least they won't have enough time to wedge in Sam and Jack getting married on the gateramp before it's over.
WRITERS: We did mention the movies, right?
NOROMOS: [facepalm]
SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Because 200 was NOT ENOUGH!!!! We won't rest until we get a real kiss onscreen.
SLASHERS: Oh, cry us a river. We never get anything onscreen. [looks at the writers and what they've done with ship] Which is probably for the best.
SNIT: Now wait just a damn minute! We don't have to take this!
FANS WHO WANT TO SAVE THE SHOW: Yeah! We can fight for our show to return!
SNIT: "Our show" has been past its expiration date for a while now. We say we go back.
AUDIENCE: Back?
SNIT: Back to the thrilling days of yesteryear. Back when fandom was relatively peaceful. Back when there was a team.
JACK FANS: Back when men were men and sheep were scared.
AUDIENCE: Say what?
JACK FANS: Sorry, we were bored and thought it was time for an inappropriate joke. Cosmic Giddiness Lives!
SNIT: [glares at Jack Fans] Anyway... Back when the team cared for each other more than they should...
SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Yes! There's the line we hang our shippy dreams on.
SNIT: Not in the romantic way, ya gits!
NOROMOS: Yes!
AUDIENCE: You mean... go back... to a past episode?
RODNEY MCKAY: Better not be "Back to the Future" because that movie was totally illogical.
F/X FANS: We know! Let's steal the puddlejumper that can time travel! And then we can go back in time, with cool effects!
AUDIENCE: Or we could, like, rent a DVD.
F/X FANS: Oh. [pout]
AUDIENCE: If it makes you happy, you can take the puddlejumper and nuke the writer's room from orbit.
NOROMOS: It makes us very happy.
SNIT: Positively giddy.
ALIENS FANS: It's the only way to be sure.
WRITERS: Oh, you wouldn't.
AUDIENCE: Tick tock, baybee, tick tock.
F/X DEPARTMENT: But it would be so kewl! We've got a new computer and everything. It was purchased for Atlantis of course...
AUDIENCE: Of course.
F/X DEPARTMENT: Oh, come on, please?! You like it when shit blows up!
WRITERS: Not when we're the shit in question!
BITTER FANS: Let the record show...
AUDIENCE: So where do we go?
DANIEL FANS: Absolute Power.
AUDIENCE: Why that one?
DANIEL FANS: It's got Evil!Daniel. In white pants. What can we say, we're shallow, so what more could we want?
JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Full frontal nudity? No? How about a close up of the cork-popping scene?
DANIEL FANS: Oh my, yes.
PETER DELUISE: That could be arranged.
DANIEL FANS: If so, we will put up a statue in your honor and worship it daily.
JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: And make sure you're not in the writers' room when the F/X guys nuke it from orbit.
NOROMOS: Unless you put in more shippy stuff, then the deal's off.
SNIT: What they said. [nods]
SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Well, actually...
SNIT: Don't even. We're talking about the greater good here.
SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [sigh] OK. It's not like we're not used to constant disappointment anyway.
SOLDIER SAM FANS: At least it's not as bad as what we get -- a female soldier who can practically kill people with her brain, not to mention kill them six times before they hit the ground, being treated like The Girl. Who's got a crush on her boss, yet doesn't have the guts to say it. Oy.
AUDIENCE: Hey, where are the BDSMers? We worry when they're this quiet. OK, more like go into a constant state of fear.
BDSMERS: We're busy screencapping all the leather-wear in season nine and ten, but we'll get back to you when it's time to watch an older episode.
DANIEL FANS: [observe a moment of silence for undercover rawhide]
AUDIENCE: So we're on? We're just waiting on the DVD now?
BREADBOX EDITION WRITER: Um. Yeah. DVD. [forages through undergrowth of the DVD pile]
TUNE IN... ERRRR... WHENEVER THE WRITER GETS OFF HER ASS AND MASSACRES THE TRANSCRIPT OF ABSOLUTE POWER.