Work Text:
Welcome to tonight's movie, MEGA SNAKE: MICHAEL SHANKS RENEWS HIS WORK VISA. Our special guest for this evening is... the Sci Fi Channel Logo! Yes, that annoying little blip in the corner of your screen. Everyone give him a hand!
[crickets chirp]
AUDIENCE: How about a finger?
STARGATE FANS: How about some hate mail?
FARSCAPE FANS: Get in line.
DRESDEN FILES FANS: The line at the post office was kinda long. So we shipped ours via UPS.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Wow. Tough crowd.
AUDIENCE: [sound of sharpening knives]
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: OK, let's get this shindig rolling, shall we? The year, 1986. A time of great change and disturbance in the US. Mrs. Garrett left The Facts of Life. The Fox network begins... and promptly canceled its first show. And meanwhile, in a home in rural East Tennessee, a boy is hiding in a closet. And no, he's not gay.
SLASHERS: Damn.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: His family is taking him to church, where the services include snake handling.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO CAN'T HANDLE SNAKES: We're outtie. Buh-bye.
SNAKE OWNERS: Wimps.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The worshipers are singing, praying and passing snakes around. Seriously, people do this kind of shit in America. Wacky Americans and their freedom of religion. The boy from the closet, Les, watches as his mother and older brother handle a snake before passing it to him, but he fumbles and his dad catches the snake, along with a snakebite. The churchgoers let him die, because it's a sign of God's will if someone's bitten and they die.
AUDIENCE: Isn't that a similar theory to the drowning the witch thing? If they don't drown, they're a witch, if they drown, they're dead, so sorry for the misunderstanding?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Pretty much. Wacky Americans got that from the wacky Brits, didn't they?
BRITS IN THE AUDIENCE: Oy!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Fast forward twenty years...
AUDIENCE: Can't we just fast forward through the whole movie?
SHANKS FANS: Or at least to any part with Michael? Preferably with him showing skin?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Hey, you signed on to watch this Sci Fi Original Movie, you shall suffer as you're supposed to. Sporks are available if you feel the need to gouge your eyes out, but you're not to change the channel.
AUDIENCE: [reaches for remote]
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Hey! None of that! You must watch live in order to increase our ratings! It matters not that you don't have a Nielsen ratings box. They just know about this stuff, OK? Now, where were we?
SHANKS FANS: To the part where Michael's character gets naked?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: [hairy eyeball]
SHANKS FANS: Hey, it was worth a shot.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les and his brother Duff still live at home with their mother...
AUDIENCE: If you tell us they're Star Trek fans living in her basement, we will have to hurt someone.
SIMPSONS FANS: If Duff named after the beer, by chance?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Anyway... Duff wants his brother to attend a service in memory of their father, but Les, now a paramedic, refuses.
DUFF: You know if you feared God half as much as you feared that snake, Daddy'd still be alive.
LES: Praying couldn't save Daddy. Maybe a little medicine could've.
AUDIENCE: Or a better script.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les is saved from further arguments by a radio call from his partner, Fay, who's waiting outside with the ambulance.
LES: Got the keys?
FAY: Sure. [tosses them out on the ground]
LES: [bends over to pick them up]
SHANKS FAN: Damn this camera angle!
FAY: [smacks Les on the ass]
SHANKS FANS: Hey! Line forms behind us.
LEXA DOIG: ::ahem::
SHANKS FANS: Um. Line forms behind Ms. Doig. Then us.
LEXA DOIG: Better.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les and Fay are next at a campsite near a lake, treating a mildly injured kid. Meanwhile Erin, Les' girlfriend and a local ranger, berates the father for leaving trash around the campsite. The father tells her to buzz off, then tells the mother she worries too much about the kids and orders the injured kid to walk it off.
AUDIENCE: OK, the dad's a dick, but Erin's a know-it-all bitch. Got it.
SHIPPERS: She's the love interest!
AUDIENCE: Being a know-it-all bitch and the love interest in a sci fi show is getting to be a standard thing these days, it's not like they're mutually exclusive concepts.
STARGATE FANS: Oh, intelligent Sam Carter, how we miss thee, sacrificed on the altar of shippy crap.
ATLANTIS FANS: How can we miss her if she won't stay away?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin laments to Les about his inability to make a commitment, so she's moving on to someone else, her co-worker, known as "Big Bo."
AUDIENCE: Translation – she's being a bitch and trying to make him jealous. And if Bo's having to advertise that it's big, it's not.
NOROMOS: Oh geeze, not another love triangle! And with a co-worker too. [facepalm]
SHIPPERS: Oh, a love triangle! How shall Les ever choose!
NOROMOS: Probably whoever doesn't get eaten by the snake.
SHIPPERS: But... that's not very romantic.
NOROMOS: You're expecting romance from a movie called "Mega Snake"? Seriously?
SHIPPERS: Romance is everywhere! [starts drawing hearts around the movie title]
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Meanwhile, in a Bulgarian town faking it as a small town in the rural American South, Duff arrives at a tattoo parlor, seeking to purchase venomous snakes from the owner, Leonard Screaming Hawk, who has a sideline as a snake wrangler. Duff must first reassure him that he's not with law enforcement.
DUFF: I'm one tenth Cherokee.
AUDIENCE: Say what? It generally goes half, quarter, eighth, sixteenth, thirty-second, etc. Where the hell does one-tenth figure in?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: OK, so Duff didn't do so well in math. Moving on... Screaming Hawk takes him into the back room, which is full of containers with snakes, both alive and preserved. Duff invites him to a church service, but Screaming Hawk declines, saying their religion is an insult to nature's power.
AUDIENCE: But more than happy to provide snakes for it, as long as they pay, eh? The power of the almighty dollar commands you!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Duff spots a very special jar on a shelf.
DUFF: Hey now, what's this?
SCREAMING HAWK: [takes the jar away from Duff and places it on a table] That is called Unteka. Killed a lot of my people.
DUFF: Unteka? Hell, I know tons about snakes. Why've I've never heard of it?
AUDIENCE: Because you're a moron?
SCREAMING HAWK: Because my people are brave enough and strong enough to have killed them all. Almost all. [points at jar]
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Duff doesn't believe such a small snake could have killed a lot of people. Screaming Hawk explains they grow quickly, and this last one is still alive because it's a symbol of great power and pride among his people.
AUDIENCE: Such a great symbol of power and pride that it's sitting around in a fancy Mason jar in the back of a tattoo shop to be spotted by any idiot white man.
SCREAMING HAWK: If you observe the rules, it's harmless.
AUDIENCE: Did we accidentally hit the remote and change over to Gremlins?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: You'd better not have changed the channel. Nielsen ratings kids!
SCREAMING HAWK: There are three rules.
AUDIENCE: [checks channel again to make sure it's not Gremlins]
SCREAMING HAWK: First, never let Unteka out of the jar. Second, never let it eat anything living. And finally, never fear the heart of the snake.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Duff tries to purchase the snake, but Screaming Hawk tells him repeatedly it's not for sale. The phone rings and Screaming Hawk leaves the room...
AUDIENCE: You really don't need to tell us what happened next, we've already figured it out, thanks.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Fay drops off Les at the end of their shift, then says if he's feeling lonely, she and some friends are going out for drinks, but he declines.
AUDIENCE: Friends. Right. She's totally hitting on him.
SHANKS FANS: Do you blame her?
SLASHERS: And he's totally clueless about it. Maybe that closet at the beginning of the movie wasn't just literal.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les spots the jar with Unteka in it on the kitchen table and asks about it.
STARGATE FANS: He should totally be used to seeing snakes in a jar after ten years.
DUFF: It's an extremely rare, extremely deadly, extremely awesome snake. Killed a whole bunch of Indians. Only the truly wise and powerful men can posses it.
AUDIENCE: Lets you right out of the running then.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les warns his brother he'd better get it out of the house before their mother sees it.
AUDIENCE: Oh yes, we see, snakes are for church, not for in the house.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Mom comes in and tells Duff to take the snake outside. Duff fumble fingers the jar, sending it crashing to the floor. Les sees the snake slithering away, and he swears it grew as he watched.
SHANKS FANS: And he squealed like a girl. [facepalm]
DUFF: What are you talking about, you big baby? You're seeing things! [Duff scoops up the snake into a plastic container]
AUDIENCE: Seriously, you're stupider than you look if you think that snake you just scooped up would fit back into the jar you just broke. Idiot.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Later that night, Les is making pathetic phone calls to Erin, saying she can't make him jealous.
AUDIENCE: Too late.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les leaves the house, while in Duff's room a curious kitty checks out the container holding Unteka.
AUDIENCE: Oh no, not the kitty!
KITTY: [mew!]
CAT OWNERS: Um, cats tend to not make nice noises when something's trying to eat it! Especially when its head is already down a snake's mouth.
UNTEKA: [slurp]
AUDIENCE: OMG! The kitty! Call the ASPCA! And why, oh why, couldn't it have just eaten Duff instead?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Unteka slithers past Mom, who's making biscuits in the kitchen at some ungodly hour, and goes outside to the chicken coop for an après kitty meal. Mom hears the ruckus and goes out to check.
AUDIENCE: Lady, don't you know you're in a Sci Fi Channel Original Movie? You don't ever go outside alone without a weapon, especially after dark.
RURAL FOLKS: More like you know you don't ever go out to the chicken coop at night to investigate a noise without a shotgun to shoot that damned coyote or the weird neighbor boy, which ever happens to be after your chickens.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: There's blood all over the walls of the coop, with one injured chicken still flapping around. Mom goes to retrieve it and Unteka sprays her in the face with venom, then proceeds to slither around her, biting her in both hands before biting off her thumb.
SNAKE OWNERS: OK, that's it. We know it's sci fi, but come on, snakes are very clean eaters. They generally swallow their food whole, they don't bite off bits. They also would eat one thing and then spend time digesting it, they wouldn't go through a whole smorgasboard with a kitty and several chickens for appetizers, then move on to mom as the main course. And...
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Sorry, but... it's a Sci Fi Channel Original Movie. Just be thankful you were warned not to attempt a drinking game, or else the majority of the audience would have alcohol poisoning by now.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les arrives at the bar and discovers only Fay, who says everyone else went out dancing.
AUDIENCE: We're shocked, we tell you, shocked! Well, not really.
FAY: What can I get you?
LES: Anything cheap and domestic.
AUDIENCE: That pretty much describes Fay, doesn't it?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The empty beer bottles pile up, while Les laments there's nothing wrong with just dating and Fay continues to hit on him. Erin walks in with "Big Bo" and proceeds to act jealous of Les being with Fay.
NOROMOS: Can we go home now? When it moved from triangle to a square, we're pretty much ready for all of them to be eaten by the snake.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: There's a dueling makeout session between Erin/Bo and Les/Fay as Erin and Les try to make each other jealous. Les and Fay finally leave, and Erin pushes Bo away.
AUDIENCE: So... bitch and cocktease. And we're supposed to cheer for her to get with Les why exactly?
SHIPPERS: Because she's the love interest, sillies!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Meanwhile, back at the house, Duff wakes up and realizes the snake is gone and goes outside in search of it. He finds it near the house, much larger than before, and uses a pitchfork to catch it and put it in a cage. Meanwhile, his mother's still alive inside the chicken coop, and trying to call to him, but he doesn't hear her.
AUDIENCE: So what? She wasn't a good snack, so it went out looking for something else?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les and Fay wake up very hungover in the bed of his truck.
LES: We didn't... uh...
FAY: What? Get pissed drunk and screw for hours under the moon?
LES: Yeah, that.
FAY: No, you wouldn't shut up about Erin.
AUDIENCE: Seriously, neither one of these women are much of a prize. Are we supposed to be rooting for one or the other?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin arrives, investigating the report of an abandoned vehicle. She jumps to the obvious conclusion, while Les protests nothing happened.
ERIN: You're a real pig, Les.
LES: What? You let Big Bo cram his tongue down your throat.
ERIN: That's all I did!
AUDIENCE: No, honey, all you did was cocktease Big Bo while trying to make Les jealous.
LES: That's all that happened here!
ERIN: You must think I'm real stupid, huh?!
AUDIENCE: If he doesn't, we do.
SHIPPERS: The path to true love is never an easy one.
NOROMOS: [facepalm repeatedly]
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Duff's driven out to the boonies seeking the help of two badly dubbed local yokels about how to kill Unteka. They tell him unless it's full grown, he should be able to kill it like any other snake – shoot it, burn it, or stab it right in the brain. He goes home and kills it and buries it in the yard. Les arrives home, finding his brother getting a good drunk on, which is very unusual, since it's against his religion.
LES: Where's Ma?
DUFF: Out having fun, I guess.
AUDIENCE: Out having fun after having left biscuit dough rolled out on the counter? Did no one notice it, or did the snake come back in and eat that too?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Duff laments about snake troubles, while Les laments about girl trouble, and since Duff drank all the beer, they head out to a bar, where Les waxes poetic about Erin. The bar patrons wonder why he doesn't just marry her. Duff says Les is afraid of getting married and moving out of his momma's house, afraid of snakes, afraid of everything, and presto, bar fight, and they get kicked out. Les says he's not driving, so they're going to walk home, but they go their separate ways.
AUDIENCE: Well, that's nice that he didn't drive drunk... except for the last time when he was with Fay. And seriously, one of them has got to die since they separated.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Remember what we said about not playing the drinking game? We were serious about that. Meanwhile, back at the house, the family dog is sniffing at the snake's grave.
AUDIENCE: The ASPCA is on speed dial, right?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The snake jumps out to eat the dog!
AUDIENCE: We're less surprised than you seem to think. Except, ew. And we were unaware that dogs would wag their tails WHILE BEING EATEN.
ZOMBIE MOVIE FANS: Zombie snake! Kewl.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les wanders around until he arrives at Erin's apartment and does the pathetic drunk spurned lover thing on her doorstep. She ignores him. Back at the house, Duff returns home and prepares to drink a beer and watch a movie.
AUDIENCE: Drink a beer from the magical beer replenishing fridge?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Unteka creeps out, unseen by Duff, and stalks him...
AUDIENCE: While he's sitting on the couch, drinking beer from the magic fridge.
UNTEKA: Peek-a-boo! I eat you!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Unteka chomps down on his head!
AUDIENCE: Yay!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: We knew you'd love this movie!
AUDIENCE: No, we're just glad it was that idiot Duff and not another animal.
ZOMBIE MOVIE FANS: Trust us, zombie snake, you're not going to find any brains in there.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The next morning, Les is passed out on Erin's doorstep, and he wakens when she exits. He begins stuttering out an apology when Bo arrives, and Erin tells Les to go, even giving him a box of his stuff back.
AUDIENCE: Well, thank goodness he got away from that mindfucker.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: No, no, no! She's still the love interest!
AUDIENCE: Damn.
SHIPPERS: Yay!
NOROMOS: Sorry, did we miss something? We were reading a book.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Just as long as you didn't change the channel. Les returns home and finds the living room furniture disturbed and blood on the couch.
AUDIENCE: Nice to know the snake turned off the tv. Just like it cleaned up that biscuit dough earlier.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les searches the house for Duff and their mother, but there's no sign. He goes outside and find the bloody chicken coop, but no sign of bodies, chicken or otherwise. Later, Erin, Bo and other cops are at the house investigating the disappearances. Erin says there's still hope because they haven't found any bodies, but also notes all the animals are missing too. Bo starts to question what Les was doing last night.
BO: I find you on my girlfriend's porch, sunny side drunk, bloody knuckles, torn clothes. Looks a little fishy, that's all.
AUDIENCE: Nah, looks a little snakey. Pay attention.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les explains about the bar fight, but Bo continues to accuse him. Les walks out, with Erin going after him, urging him to leave with her and they drive away, while Fay and Bo look on.
AUDIENCE: Looks like Fay's got a new man to catch on the rebound. If she hasn't already caught him before.
TRAILER TRASH BIMBOS: We are SO jealous! She's got ALL those boys by the balls! Dayum, woman! Ya gotta teach us the Master Ho lessons.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin and Les are driving along a country road when they're stopped by a distressed goat rancher...
AUDIENCE: A what?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: A distressed goat rancher.
AUDIENCE: That's something you don't see in a sci fi movie every day. And we just wanted to see if you'd say it again.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: [evil eye] The rancher takes them to a pasture where there's piles of bone and hair, as well as one surviving goat, sans skin. Erin takes pity on it and shoots it.
AUDIENCE: Seriously, the ASPCA number is?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin theorizes a snake could have done this, if it were big enough.
AUDIENCE: Oh really now? Even though not one person has mentioned the possibility of a giant snake, Erin's just the girl to make that leap off the logic cliff?
STARGATE FANS: She's not related to Sam Carter, by chance? If so, can we expect her to suddenly become an expert on snakes and to autopsy the goats as well as the dead snake at the end of the movie?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Shhh! Don't spoil it!
AUDIENCE: [sigh]
STARGATE FANS: You'd think we'd be immune to this sort of pain, but we're not.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Bo arrives and thinks Les not only murdered his mother, brother, dog, cat and chickens, but some random guy's goats, so he throws him in jail, where Les protests there's no shower.
SLASHERS: [perk] Can we expect a prison shower scene a la Oz?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: No.
SLASHERS: Damn.
SHANKS FANS: We know.
LEXA DOIG: [smug grin]
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The family we saw earlier are still vacationing, grilling some burgers, when Unteka slithers along the shoreline. The father yells at the family to get in the car.
FATHER: You are not getting my family!
AUDIENCE: That might have been a little more convincing if you'd gotten in the vehicle with them and, you know, drove away.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The father heroically tries to fight off Unteka...
AUDIENCE: Heroically? Dude might as well have been wearing a red shirt.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The father's bloody body lands on the windshield of the SUV.
AUDIENCE: Close enough.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The snake begins attacking the SUV, using its head as a battering ram, and the camera pans away as we hear them screaming.
AUDIENCE: They didn't even try to crank the SUV to get away. Does that count for a Darwin Award? Are there bonus points for a whole family going out of the gene pool at once?
SNAKE OWNERS: The most sensitive part of a snake is the tip of its nose, so this scene is a whole world of wrong. There's no way a snake would do a battering ram thing. But maybe the family was so annoying, it was worth it to Unteka.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin and Bo are checking out the SUV. Bo thinks the family just had an accident and went for help.
AUDIENCE: With the amount of blood in the car, ain't nobody in that family left walking. We hereby nominate Bo as the next to get eaten.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The town mayor arrives on the scene, wanting assurances the case will be handled quickly and not interfere with the upcoming county fair.
AUDIENCE: Oh no! We can't interrupt the Very Important County Fair over an entire family apparently being murdered! Anyone want to lay bets on the fairgrounds becoming Unteka's buffet? No takers?
THOSE WHO NORMALLY PLAY THE DRINKING GAME: Damn, it's hard to stay sober through this.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: We warned you about the alcohol poisoning risk.
THOSE WHO NORMALLY PLAY THE DRINKING GAME: No, man, we mean it's hard to actually watch this while sober.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin puts forth the giant snake theory, adding she's got a degree in zoology and knows a lot about snakes.
AUDIENCE: We knew it! She'll be doing snake and goat autopsies by the end of the movie.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The Mayor and Bo both poo-poo on Erin's giant snake theory, because they're just not as smart as she is, because she's the Love Interest.
AUDIENCE: Wow, been drinking the Kool-Aid down at the network office?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Hey, it's a steady paycheck, I'll drink whatever they tell me. Meanwhile, Erin wanders off into the woods...
AUDIENCE: And gets eaten? Unteka, bear, whatever. We're not picky.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: No! She finds a giant snake skin.
AUDIENCE: [peers at really fake looking snake skin] Are we sure that's not the Jolly Green Giant's condom or something?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin arrives at the jail to sneak Les out, because he believes her and she believes him, and because, you know, she's the Love Interest.
SHIPPERS: Squee!
NOROMOS: If we can't get hammered on booze, can you at least put the damn shippy hammer away?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Elsewhere in the jailhouse, Bo's making eyes at Fay, saying that Erin's too perfect yet a tease, and men have needs.
FEMINISTS IN THE AUDIENCE: Grrr.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Hey, hey! I just report 'em, I don't make 'em up! Outside the jail, Erin shows Les the snakeskin and says it's thirty foot now and growing. And growing fast. Les remembers what his brother said about Unteka, and boards the Clue Bus. They head out to his house to see if they can find the jar and learn where the snake came from. As they drive away, another cop arrives and finds the snakeskin on the sidewalk, and alerts Bo.
AUDIENCE: They left the snakeskin on the sidewalk, blowing in the wind, as it were?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: It's not like a snakeskin's not biodegradable. It's cool. Now Bo and the rest of the cops can go hunt the big ass snake.
AUDIENCE: We have a feeling they couldn't find their asses with both hands, much less a big ass snake.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Bo and the rest drive around on ATVs, when they discover yet another snakeskin.
AUDIENCE: Translation – they drive around aimlessly, then happen upon another snakeskin by utter dumb luck.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Isn't that what I said?
AUDIENCE: [sigh]
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Bo finds some shoes and clothing in slime, and decides it's what's left of the family the snake attacked earlier. One cop suggests they leave and...
AUDIENCE: The snake attacks him!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Hey, are you sure you haven't seen this movie before?
AUDIENCE: No, but many, many more just like it.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: In the ensuing battle with Unteka, Bo's wounded, but the only survivor, and he makes his way through the woods, seeking help.
AUDIENCE: Translation – Bo was so scared he nearly shit himself and left everyone else to die, while he got away with an injured arm, running through the woods, crying for help or his mama, we're not sure which.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Bo eventually makes his way to the homes of the local yokels Duff spoke with earlier about killing the snake. He tries to beg for help, but they don't help, they just get all excited about a snake managing to do this to him. Meanwhile, Les and Erin arrive back at his house, but he's reluctant to go in.
AUDIENCE: Rightly so. Not being home has saved his life. He was passed out drunk two nights in a row, the first night his mother was killed, the second night, his brother. Point for boozing! Bet he's not wanting the third night to be the charm. Bet he's also not exactly fresh as a daisy either.
SHANKS FANS: We volunteer to clean him up! We've got warm fluffy towels on standby!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: They fish the broken jar out of the trash and note the Native American symbols on it, when shadows move outside the window. The local yokels come in.
LES: What are y'all doing here so late at night, and so heavily armed?
AUDIENCE: Not making biscuits, that's for sure.
PATTERSON: Huntin' snake.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: They tell about Bo expiring after telling them about the snake, and that folks in town said something fishy was going on out at their place, so they came to check it out. Les shows them the remains of the jar, and they identify the symbols as a form of Cherokee and know of one in the area.
AUDIENCE: And we'll give you three guesses who it is, and the first two don't count.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les and Erin go to Screaming Hawk's place, and wander into the back and see all the snakes before Screaming Hawk confronts them. Les shows him the broken jar, and he yells at him about why he'd break it, but Les explains his brother did it.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, remember, the guy who gave you his name and the name of his church, before stealing the ever so valuable Unteka from you, yet you apparently made zero effort to find either one?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The local yokels decide they're going to create weapons to fight Unteka, and scavenge for parts to create a flamethrower mounted to a truck.
AUDIENCE: Oh geeze, it's like watching two Wile E. Coyote's working together.
REDNECKS: Now don't you be talking bad about our brethren. Them there fellers are smart, trying to barbeque the snake. Snake's good eatin'. Why ain't they the stars of this fine piece of Amerricun cin-e-ma? And why do their lips don't always match with what they's saying? That reminds us of them Jap movies, and we don't want our fine Suthern boys to seem like furriners.
AUDIENCE: You do realize this was filmed in Bulgaria, so both of them were probably Bulgarian actors with their voices dubbed in later, right?
REDNECKS: Blashphemer! You take that back!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Screaming Hawk tells Les and Erin that Unteka feeds on fear, so if they don't fear it, they can fight it, and they have to fight it from within.
AUDIENCE: Ooooookaaaaaay.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The local yokels drive around, playing loud music trying to attract the snake.
AUDIENCE: They haven't contributed to the gene pool yet, have they? We'd hate for them to miss out on a Darwin Award.
LOCAL YOKEL DRIVER: [changes the music] Something I wouldn't mind dying to.
AUDIENCE: Famous. Last. Words.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Screaming Hawk agrees to go with Les and Erin to kill Unteka. Meanwhile, Unteka finds the local yokels, chomping down on one and constricting the other until his head pops open and blood spurts out.
AUDIENCE: Just as we expected, no brains in there.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Erin decides the snake must have a lair somewhere, and theorizes it must be somewhere between three points – Les' house, where the camping family was killed and where the goat farmer's land is. And you'll never guess what's there!
AUDIENCE: Oh, let's see, wild guess, could it be... the fairgrounds?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Hey, how'd you guess?
AUDIENCE: The writer followed the Horror Movie Cliché Handbook to the letter. And we're also pretty sure Erin's theory is full of holes, but whatever, let's get this over with.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: At the fairgrounds, the Mayor introduces Feedback, winner of Who Wants to be a Superhero, to the adoring kiddos in the crowd.
WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO VIEWERS: This is the movie "prize" he got for winning the contest? Total ripoff.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: A trio of doped up hippies arrive at the fairgrounds, apparently having a case of the munchies. One hippie forgets his stash and goes back for it, and sees Unteka slither towards him.
HIPPIE #1: [giggle] Here kitty, kitty.
AUDIENCE: Oh lord. Just eat him already and put us out of our misery.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Unteka munches the first hippie, then goes after the other two.
UNTEKA: Um. Wow. I think there was something funny in those hippies. Like, the colors, man. And if I had a hand, I'd totally be waving it around in front of my face.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: An All-American family arrives at the fairgrounds, and the youngest girl disappears before they go inside. Has Unteka struck?
AUDIENCE: No, it's a red herring. Hey, we haven't seen a couple making out get attacked by Unteka... oh wait, never mind, there they are.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: A bored fair ride operator is reading a magazine while operating the machinery. No one sees Unteka slither up and peer over at the riders.
UNTEKA: Oh, seriously, something was up with those hippies. Anyway, any of you know where I can find that Betty chick from the Boa vs. Python movie? She's totally hot.
RIDERS: [screaming on the ride]
UNTEKA: No? Then can you direct me to that Shanks character? I'm hoping he can hook me up with the snake from Sumuru, or maybe he can set me up with a Goa'uld girlfriend. I've heard they're high maintenance, thinking they're gods and all, but if they get too uppity, I'll just eat them.
RIDERS: [screaming on the ride]
UNTEKA: The lights, the noise, those damn hippies! I keel you all ded!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Unteka chomps the heads off several riders, sending the rest of the fairground riders into a panic.
UNTEKA: [approaches the roller coaster with the cars that look like a caterpillar] Oh forget that Betty bitch! Let's get it on, baybee!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Feedback is onstage, telling the kids how important it is to tell a grownup if they see something dangerous.
KID: Snake! [points at the approaching Unteka]
FEEDBACK: You learn well, grasshopper. [looks at Unteka] Holy crap. So not in my contract.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Feedback fights off Unteka and rescues several members of the audience.
AUDIENCE: Translation – he's the only one to have survived a direct encounter so far, because he ran. Smart man. Run far, far away from anything on the Sci Fi Channel, and you should do just fine.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Unteka continues attacking fairgoers, Fay's yelling at folks to evacuate.
AUDIENCE: We think they could have figured that one out on their own, but it's a nice try. So... heroic effort to save others, combined with being the secondary love interest. Unteka's next meal, right?
UNTEKA: [chomp] Maybe that'll kill the hippie aftertaste.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les, Erin and Screaming Hawk arrive on the scene. Erin tries to rescue a kid, gets stuck in the egg-shaped ride, and the whole shebang gets gobbled up by Unteka. Screaming Hawk attacks Unteka with his Very Special Indian Knife, and it retreats.
AUDIENCE: But, being the primary love interest, Erin will survive it somehow.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les hears Erin calling for help on the radio.
AUDIENCE: She's probably safe from being crushed due to the egg-shaped ride, if you want to go with horror movie excuses, but we're sure there's not a lot of oxygen, not to mention a slime-free environment that you really wouldn't want in your nose and mouth, inside a giant snake. But say hi to Fay while you're there, 'K?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Les and Screaming Hawk follow Unteka into a haunted house ride, which isn't exactly good for already frayed nerves. Unteka attacks and wounds Screaming Hawk.
AUDIENCE: Um... where did Unteka go? No offense to Screaming Hawk, but why wasn't he made into snack food?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Screaming Hawk tells Les he's too injured to fight, and that Les must do it and not fear the heart of the snake. Les goes down a corridor and finds Unteka, who takes him down in one gulp instead of biting off bits like it's done with everyone else.
SHANKS FANS: OK, is it bad if we say that looked kinda erotic?
BDSMERS: Nope. And don't mind us, we're just pondering all the gear that could be made out of a giant snakeskin.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Unteka starts thrashing about and falls over dead. Les cuts his way out from inside, carrying the heart, followed by Erin. It's like, symbolic!
SHIPPERS: He rescued the lady of his heart by cutting out the heart of a giant snake. ::sigh:: How romantic!
AUDIENCE: Bet Shanks didn't know being covered in goo was part of the contract. That'll teach him to not skim the script until he's on the plane to Bulgaria.
SHANKS FANS: Oh you dirty, dirty boy! Let us clean you right away! And we'll send a love note to the director for that lovely butt shot too.
SCREAMING HAWK: Does anyone else wanna get out of this snake hole?
AUDIENCE: Us! Oh, please, merciful stars, let us out of here.
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Flashforward in time... Les and Erin have a baby and are playing with it on the front porch of Les' family home.
SHIPPERS: Baby! Squee!
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: The camera pans over to see his father's grave not far from the house, along with recent additions for his mother and brother.
AUDIENCE: So apparently Les didn't have to worry about leaving his momma's house, nor did he have to share with his brother. Oh, i-ron-y. Speaking of, what did they put in the graves for them? They find whatever Unteka gorped up?
HORROR MOVIE PURISTS: What, no wink to the audience that there's some baby mega snakes, for Mega Snake 2?
SCI FI CHANNEL LOGO: Oh, god, whatever. I'm going to get a drink.
THOSE WHO NORMALLY PLAY THE DRINKING GAME: See?! It's a necessity sometimes!