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He was safe. Finally. Bucky was safe, well, at least for now.
I had never been more grateful to someone than I was to the King, or well, Black Panther for letting Buck stay after almost wanting to kill him. After saying goodbye to Bucky, again, but without the heartbreaking sadness because this time I knew he was going to be safe and protected. I gave my gratitude to the King before making my way up to the room he had given me for the time being. Until I could figure out what the hell I was going to do about the Avengers, my friends, who were locked up, and under the ocean.
I walked into the grand room I was given, immediately shutting and locking the door behind me out of habit, and then turned to face someone I definitely was not expecting.
“Nat.” I said softly, shocked that she had managed to find me. Us.
She stood at the foot of the bed, in her usual Black Widow stance. Her arms crossed over her chest, standing her ground with her legs slightly apart from one another. She was also donning her usual smirk on her face, making eye contact with me before breaking her silence.
“He told me. The King. That you would be here. You and the Winter Soldier, Bucky.” She spoke in her unemotional tone. Something she did with people she didn’t trust, people she wasn’t close to. It shocked me that she was using it against me now. That she felt like we weren’t close anymore after everything that happened just days, hours ago.
“He’ll be safe here. Until we can find out how to fix what’s been done to him.” I answered back in a way that I would when addressing the team. If this is how she wanted to play it, then fine.
In my head, I couldn’t even begin to understand what was up with her though. When she didn’t want you to see, you didn’t. That was how Black Widow operated. But that wasn’t Nat. 2 halves that made a whole, but 2 very different pieces when you managed to separate them.
“Does Tony know?” I questioned, praying that he didn’t. That she said nothing to him when deciding to come here. To come after letting me go during the fight. Hoping that she didn’t regret not taking me down. Hoping that she didn’t come to do that now.
“No. I came alone. I figured it was best to let the dust settle. You both need time to heal.” She answered, letting her voice change from Black Widow and more Natasha. She was letting her guard down which made me relieved.
“Thank you Nat. You know. For what you did. I know you didn’t have to do what you did. You could have stopped us. You could have took us down, but you didn’t… So thank you.” I said genuinely, hoping she would know how much I appreciated her decision.
“Yes, I did Steve. I had to do it. There wasn’t a choice.” She replied back heavy-heartedly.
If I wasn’t already confused at her being here, than I most definitely was now. I’m sure she could see the instant confusion written all over my face, because she continued with an explanation before waiting for me to ask what the hell she meant.
“Do you think I could have let you lose Bucky after you had just lost your first love?
It was Natasha fully speaking now, and hearing her words almost made my heart ache all over again. Thinking about what she said. What could have happened. If she hadn’t of let us go.
“I wouldn’t be able to face you Steve. How could I ever be able to face you, and how broken you would have been? I’ve seen glimpses of you like that before, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it to you. Don’t you get it?” Her tone getting harsher at the last sentence.
I go that she laid her friendship with Tony on the line, and her friendships with the other Avengers when she let me go. I never wanted to make things harder for her, or for any of them. I didn’t want to make them choose, make her choose. Yet here we were.
“I get it…” I tried to tell her before she cut me off with her laugh. A depressing, joking, sickening laugh. It instantly made me feel worse and more guilty for everything.
“No. No you don’t. I’m Black Widow Steve.” She said while still laughing.
“I don’t get what’s going on Nat. Why is this funny? And of course I know you’re Black Widow. What does that have to do with anything were talking about?” I was way past confused at this point. I needed her to clear the big elephant in the room that I clearly wasn’t seeing.
“Black Widow doesn’t love. Black Widow doesn’t feel.”
It was all she said as she turned away from me and walked toward the massive window at the edge of the room. It was then I knew what she meant. What she was trying to tell me without out right saying it, and even though I knew something had been happening between us for months, an un-spoken bond neither of us bothered to clearly define, her words still stunned me.
I stood there. Rooted to that spot on the floor beside her, looking at the backside of her, trying to push myself into following her. For Captain America it would have been easy to follow her, but as Steve, Steve Rogers the guy who didn’t know a damn about love or women, it was almost impossible. Almost.
I finally managed to get myself to slowly walk up beside her at a close distance, noticing her face and gaze was emotionless as she looked out the window.
She was Beautiful.
Stunning.
Her fiery red hair was still in its straight style, ending at just below her shoulders. It looked flawless. She was wearing that dark tan leather jacket she frequented often, with a simple pair of jeans. Even in plain clothes, everyday clothes, she looked anything but casual.
“I didn’t think, I didn’t know you felt like that…”
It was such a stupid thing to say. I knew it the moment the words came out of my mouth that it was stupid, but it was all I could manage at the moment.
“Well its comforting to know I can still have some secrets kept.”
It was a straight forward answer. Something to brush off the situation. She did it often when she wanted to change the subject, or draw away from the truth.
“What do you want Nat? What do you want from this? From me?”
“I don’t know Rogers. Trust me, I’m shocked too.” She said back, still void of emotion, still making a point not to look at me. Locking everything away from the surface. Something she was trained to do a long time ago in the Red Room.
I didn’t know how to move forward with words. It was getting us no where. So I did the only thing I felt comfortable with, hoping it wouldn’t push her further away from me. I turned towards her, and moved my arms around her back, embracing her against my chest, which to my surprise, she let me. She stood stiffly in my arms while I leaned my head atop hers, letting my hold tighten against her.
“You know I love you right?… I know I’m broken and in bits and pieces, but I do love you. Please tell me you know that…” I confessed quietly in her ear as I held her.
“I know Rogers. I know.” She said softly into my chest.
We stood that way, silently, for a few more moments before she let herself relax and drew her arms around my torso. The feeling of her hold me set my skin on fire, and she wasn’t even touching it. I welcomed the unfamiliar sensation.
We stayed like that for what seemed like forever before she let go and pulled away from me. She quietly made her way to the door before unlocking it and leaving me in the room alone. I wanted to follow her but I knew she needed time. She needed space. I would give it to her. I would give her anything.
—
Hours later, I felt her creep up beside me while I slept. I moved only a little to welcome her and draw her closer before falling back into the most peaceful sleep I had ever had since coming out of the ice. Even though we were both broken and damaged in our own ways, I knew she was slowly piecing me back together. I only hoped we could find our way through anything, come out stronger, and most importantly, together.
“Some days I can’t get outta my head. That’s just the darkside of me. Some nights it’s hard for me to fall asleep. That’s just the darkside of me. If you ever, ever call my name, you will find out that we’re both the same. When the lights go out I need to know, are you afraid of the dark?”