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Kurt is still flirting with the idea of joining Adam’s Apples when he is asked out by one of his new NYADA colleagues. It’s not until he’s at the coffee shop that he realizes what was supposed to be a ‘welcome to the class, let me show you the ropes’ session is in fact a date. But seeing Blaine at Christmas has soothed the more ragged edges of his heart and the bomb of his father’s diagnosis has given him a new sense of the fact that life is just too damn short. So despite not being attracted to Todd they spends the next two hours talking about NYADA and the Christmas showcase. And if school is the only subject that causes Kurt to gush, Todd doesn't know him enough to realize is a departure from his usual style. They see a movie that weekend and after another awkward date where Todd complains about his standoffish attitude they never talk again. Kurt is offended to have that adjective used in conjunction to him, who has constantly felt the exact opposite. Maybe Todd wanted too much too fast, but whether in Lima or NY, Kurt does not feel like jumping a person he’s only met a handful of times. (never mind that he was hoping for a kiss from Blaine at their second meeting)
He is interested in Adam so as January moves into February he lets the other boy know. They meet once before Kurt has to go back to Lima for Mr Schue’s wedding. Kurt tries very hard not to think it was a little too convenient that he can now mention dating to whomever is curious enough about his relationship status. (None of this prevents him from jumping Blaine using the flimsy excuse of wedding hookups and maintaining a constant stream of ‘just friends’ while tracing every centimeter of the other boy’s skin. Kurt may say they’re not back together till he’s blue in the face, but his heart is still open because there is no way he would be that free with his body otherwise. They spend less than two hours in that hotel room, but they hold back nothing and Kurt feels like he’s stockpiling memories for the empty months to come.)
March brings about the snow that evaded them during the winter and the apartment in Bushwick is more full than ever. Maybe it’s the feeling that he can’t get out whenever he wants to because they are snowed in, but the lack of privacy drives Kurt crazy. So he gives playing the perfect host a rest and suggests a movie marathon - the next best thing to having his own space while still surrounded with people on all sides. (Who knew it would take him getting to NY and having people constantly underfoot to make him realize he likes his personal bubble and wants to keep its mid-west size)
It’s April. Kurt and Adam are still seeing each other and Kurt is making lists of reasons not to spend the night together. They’re not much farther along the intimacy scale than they were 2 months ago and Adam has proven to be patient so far. He’s also started to get more handsy than Kurt is comfortable with, despite his body’s lack of objection. He tells himself it’s not weird, that he and Blaine dated for seven months before sleeping together and they were both talking of love and forever long before they got to that point.
Friday night, after an easy week and no plans for the next morning, Kurt is at Adam’s place having run out of reasons not to be there so late. Kissing the taller boy always sets off the butterflies in his stomach and his dick has no objection to being cupped in Adam’s warm hands. But the fast beating of his heart is not due entirely to excitement. He lets himself be undressed and remembers to take off Adam’s shirt in turn. They move towards the bed and Kurt lays down after taking a fortifying breath. This should be easier, he can’t help thinking. He is no stranger to being out of breath but this feels more like the beginning of an anxiety attack. His skin is prickling and he freezes for a moment. Adam is still trying to put him at ease but it doesn’t seem to be working and being told to relax only serves to annoy him. When Adam asks what he is thinking about the words ‘my father’ slip out unconsciously. But now that they’re out he is thrown back to that awkward conversation in their new kitchen when his dad’s version of the talk was less about how to and keeping safe and more about respecting himself and what sex can mean. And Kurt realizes that what he’s been doing the last couple of months is not going out of his comfort zone and opening himself to new experiences, but trampling down his boundaries to the point where he’s minutes from throwing himself away while trying not to hyperventilate over that choice. The weirdness is enough to stop Adam but as soon as the silence is not followed by an explanation and Kurt’s breathing is back under control he moves in again. Only this time Kurt extricates himself with a sense of finality that was never present in their previous interactions.
‘I’m not comfortable doing this now’
‘Your body tells a different story, love’ Adam insists, not unkindly
‘Not the part that was close to hyperventilating.’ Kurt knows this is where the conversation takes a wrong turn so he starts putting his clothes back on. It’s not armor - that hadn't come off to begin with.
‘What does that mean? I thought you wanted to be here’
‘I do’. Pants on.
‘With me’
‘Yes’. Shirt buttoned.
‘But you don’t want to be with me.’
‘I’m not ready’. Belt buckled.
‘Kurt, don’t take this the wrong way but that doesn't make much sense. Not saying you have to be up for it all the time’ ‘Gee, thanks’, Kurt can barely insert. ‘But it looks like you are never up for anything other than kissing. You say you want to, you body says so too but you keep shutting me out every time I try and get closer’
‘I’m sorry but that is what i feel’
‘You know you can tell me anything, right? If something happened to make you....’
‘Nothing happened to me, Adam! I’m not broken.’
‘No, you’re just cold.’ The sad tone did nothing to soften the blow.
‘Goodbye Adam.’
‘Wait, Kurt! Don’t leave like that.’
‘I’m sorry I don’t fulfill your needs, but not enough to do something I’m not comfortable with. I’ll see you next week’.
Breaking up is just a formality at this point. He feels no desire to keep trying towards a goal he is less and less sure he wants to reach. He’s just postponing the conversation for a time when they are both dressed and his last failed attempt at intimacy is a more distant memory.
Brody is at their apartment so Kurt bypasses the metro station and starts walking in the direction of home, feeling lighter with each step. His high school self would be incensed at how far he let himself be pushed. ‘Nobody pushes the Hummels around’ echoing in his head, he feels the sudden urge to call his dad and thank him. (He knows what or better said who pushed his father to have that talk with him. While before he used to be embarrassed, he is now grateful for the two amazing men who cared enough for him to make sure he would be all right, even without them by his side)