Chapter Text
Jun had reached the point in his life where the thought of dying didn't faze him.
He had once been afraid of death, hesitant to kill himself. Only a small amount of hope held him back from leaving. The need for escape however, the desire to be set free was overwhelming for Jun. A younger, more hopeful version of himself had tried to turn his life around and seek out help. It eased his mind a little but as the days went by, Jun spiralled down further and further. Jun was far too weak willed, resulting in him easily losing the fight to live normally. After the young Jun had given up and grown into his older self, Jun's life became like a train that couldn't stop, one that was bound to eventually end in disaster.
Jun wasn’t afraid of dying. He wanted to be set free.
-
Jun knew that Minghao liked him.
Jun was only a year older than Minghao. While there was only a small age gap between them, the two males had grown up in different environments with different kinds of people. Their respective levels of experience when it came to any sort of romantic relationship was vastly different, making Jun more perceptive and able to tell when someone liked him. Jun couldn’t blame Minghao. He had once been like Minghao, a young high school student who was easily impressed and fell in love with anyone who treated him kindly. Jun had feelings for Minghao, despite spending a lot of time trying to repress how he felt.
Minghao and Jun had gone to the same school. Jun met the younger male at a time when he was withdrawing from his old friends, realising that they were never truly his friends. Minghao had moved to the country around the same time and Jun was assigned to helping him around the school, partly because he was also a Chinese student like Minghao and partly because he didn’t want to go to detention. The two had bonded well despite their differences and had quickly become friends. Jun had graduated while Minghao began his last year of school and the two remained close.
Jun cared for Minghao greatly and wanted the best for him.
Jun was far from the best.
Besides being fixed to a course set for disaster, Jun’s behaviour had gone down hill as he grew older. He used to sleep around, getting drunk at parties and ending up in the beds of strangers. Jun began disrespecting his parents as well and was thrown out of the house far too many times to count. He felt ashamed of himself after meeting Minghao and he stopped escaping everything by getting drunk.
He was thankful to Minghao for never judging him and for helping him to realise that his behaviour wasn’t healthy for himself and also those around him.
Minghao was important to him and that’s why he had to make him happy before he carried out his plan.
-
Jun knocked on the door of the small house Minghao lived in.
The weather was rather warm, bright rays of sunlight beaming as a slight breeze travelled through the air. Jun waited patiently for the door to be opened, kicking at a few loose rocks on the ground. After a moment, Jun heard the door unlock with a click and was quickly invited inside.
Jun had been inside the small family home on countless occasions in the time he had known Minghao. Minghao’s parents had not taken to Jun well at first, resulting in the situation where Minghao’s mother had made some strong comments about Jun. That was before she had known that Jun was also Chinese and the situation was very awkward when Jun announced that he could actually understand her. After a few months of pretending Jun didn’t exist, Minghao’s mother became used to him being around. Jun always felt like he never belonged anywhere but he found that those feelings would always drift away while Jun was in the house with Minghao. At least for a little while.
The feeling of not belonging however was overwhelming Jun. It drowned his thoughts, swallowing up any glimmer of hope.
Minghao turned towards Jun, a warm smile filling his features. His light brown hair was unstyled and slightly messy, indicating that the younger male had either just woken up or hadn’t bothered to style it. Jun thought it make Minghao look cute, along with his the oversized sweater he was wearing. Minghao had a preference for wearing jumpers and shirts that were double his size. The sweater Minghao was wearing was black and blue and had sleeves that extended past his hands.
The smile on Minghao’s face was heartwarming. Minghao’s smiles were the type that warmed a person’s heart and instantly made them feel like smiling themselves. The innocent smile on Minghao’s face stirred up a sense of guilt in Jun’s stomach, reminding him just how much he didn’t deserve to have Minghao like him.
He wanted to run away.
Jun knew he was a coward. He always defaulted to running away. Running from his problems and into the comfort of alcohol, running from people he had slept with before they woke up and running from living. Jun had made his way to Minghao’s house with the intention to make the younger male happy before he broke his heart.
He’ll forget about me eventually.
-
"I love you."
There were no fireworks. There was no applause. There was simply a broken boy confessing his love before he ended his life. Those three words were supposed to be associated with joy and happiness, but they instead left a bitter taste on Jun’s tongue.
Minghao let out a small gasp, covering his mouth in surprise with the sleeves of his oversized sweater. His eyes were wide.
“Do you really mean it?” Minghao inquired in a soft voice. His hands slipped from his face, falling to rest in his lap.
Jun knew he did mean it. He had taken a long time to allow himself to feel that way towards Minghao and had spent an even longer amount of time stopping himself from becoming even more than friends.
Minghao’s gaze meet with Jun’s after a moment. The younger male’s gaze was hopeful, accompanied by a small smile. Minghao had always carried a joyful aura around him, making him a comfortable person to be around once you got past his tendency to be shy. Jun considered Minghao to be pure, which was the complete opposite to Jun. Jun was anything but pure.
Jun nodded to Minghao. MInghao let a deep sigh of relief before laughing slightly. “I love you too, Junhui,” Minghao announced, fiddling with a loose thread on his jeans. “I always have.”
A moment later, Jun felt a set of lips press against his own. Minghao’s kiss was soft and uncertain and slightly filled with inexperience, but it made Jun’s chest feel warm. The kiss made him comfortable and at ease for once. Jun tried to push away his constant thoughts as he cupped Minghao’s cheek and continued to kiss him. The other male’s skin was soft to the touch and warm against Jun’s hand. Minghao’s hand clung to Jun’s other hand and apart of Jun never wanted to let go.
After what felt like longer than a few minutes, Minghao pulled away from the kiss and wrapped his arms around Jun’s waist. Jun felt Minghao rest his head on his shoulder. Jun wasn’t sure what to do.
Jun had only intended to tell Minghao what he wanted to hear and leave after that. He didn’t intend on kissing him, but couldn’t stop himself when the other male kissed him. Jun wanted to make Minghao happy, even if it was only for a brief period of time before Jun left.
Minghao appeared to have his own intentions.
"That was better than I ever imagined." He announced, raising his head from Jun's shoulder.
Jun avoided his gaze. "What was?"
Minghao let out a soft laugh, moving his hands from Jun’s waist in favour of holding both of his hands. “Kissing you,” Minghao replied, pausing for a brief moment before continuing. “Can I do it again?”
It was Jun’s turn to laugh now, much to his own surprise. Minghao didn’t have to ask. “Sure”
A moment later Minghao’s lips were once again pressed against Jun’s. The hesitancy from both parties began to fade as Minghao’s kissing became more bold and as Jun felt himself losing himself in Minghao’s embrace. The room around them was becoming incredibly hot, along with Jun’s face. He shrugged off his tattered leather jacket, letting it fall to the floor without breaking away from Minghao. The jacket fell to the floor with a soft thud, drawing Minghao’s attention away from the kiss.
Minghao averted his gaze, his brown eyes wandering to his hands. The room suddenly grew quiet, the sound of the rain lightly hitting the house was the only sound that could be heard.
Jun watched as the younger male scratched the back of his head nervously. He could tell Minghao wanted to ask him something. Minghao had a habit of scratching his head or fiddling with his clothes when he was nervous, especially when he wanted to say something important. Jun didn’t know if he wanted to know what Minghao wanted to say.
"Sleep with me."
The silence that had grown between them was abruptly shattered when Minghao said those three words. It wasn’t a even a question but rather a statement that expressed what Minghao wanted. Jun hadn’t expected Minghao to say that to him.
I should have left earlier.
Jun knew that his answer should have been no. He knew that he should have just said goodbye and left the house. Jun was never good at saying no to Minghao.
Instead of leaving, Jun found himself leaning down as Minghao’s laid down onto his back. Minghao’s eyes locked with Jun’s, radiating warmth and joy. Minghao was happy, just as Jun wanted him to be.
After what felt like hours to Jun, Minghao started to unbutton Jun’s shirt. Jun continued to kiss Minghao, deepening the kiss as he felt Minghao push his shirt off. The black fabric fell to the floor, the cold air hitting Jun’s bare skin.
Kissing Minghao was something Jun realised he had always wanted to do.
-
Not too long after, Jun and Minghao had barely any clothes on.
Both of them exactly where they were headed and Jun made no attempt to stop it. He knew he wasn’t good for Minghao and he knew he should have left the house when he had the chance. The room felt hot and Jun felt tired. He couldn’t bring himself to leave. His own selfishness and desire clouding his capability to think clearly.
Jun’s eyes widened in surprise when Minghao suddenly broke away from him. Jun had quickly assumed he had done something wrong.
Minghao looked at Jun with a fond look in his eyes, his lips curving into a smile. Minghao looked at Jun like Jun was the most important thing in the world. The younger male averted his gaze. “Please don’t hurt me.”
Jun didn't know if Minghao was referring to hurting him physically or emotionally, but those words left Jun feeling sick on the inside. Minghao knew Jun had a long list of issues but he was unsuspecting, unaware that Jun wanted to die.
Minghao deserved the world. He deserved to be happy and to smile radiantly. Minghao deserved to be cherished and loved by someone who was kind. He most certainly deserved to have someone other than Jun loving him.
-
Jun was tired.
He couldn’t sleep however, his thoughts came flooding back to him as soon as Minghao and himself were done.
Minghao was leaning against Jun’s chest, talking in a soft voice about a videogame he had recently finished playing. His hair was a mess and a pink tinge still lingered on his cheeks, making him look adorable. A small part of Jun wished that he could keep struggling through life so that he could stay by Minghao’s side and spend more time with the younger male. Then again, Jun knew that he didn’t deserve that. He had just tainted the most precious person in the world, making Jun feel even worse. Another part of Jun had long ago lost hope and wanted to die. That part of Jun had been fighting a battle with any glimmer of hope Jun had come across and that side had been winning for a long time.
“What do you want to do after you graduate?” Jun asked after realising he had gone silent for quite some time.
Minghao let out a soft sigh, tracing his finger in small circles on Jun’s chest. “My parents want me to study medicine.”
The unhappiness in Minghao’s voice was obvious.
"What do you want to do?" Jun replied, gazing up at a crack in the roof.
“Well…” Minghao trailed off, “I would like to study dance.”
June was happy to hear Minghao say that. Minghao loved dancing, anyone could pick up on that upon watching Minghao dance. Watching Minghao dance was always a pleasant experience and Jun was glad that Minghao wanted to have a career in something he was passionate about rather than something his parents wanted him to do.
"You should do it Hao," Jun told him, mustering up a small smile. "You're so talented."
The pink tinge on Minghao’s cheeks turned a shade darking after receiving the compliment. He let out a soft laugh.. “I’m not that good,” he said poking Jun in the chest. “You compliment me too much, Jun. Besides, you’re a much better dancer than me!”
Dancing was something Jun was once good at. Dancing was one of the few things he felt confident about, unlike most things in his life, Jun gave up on it. It used to be something that kept Jun going, constantly providing Jun with a chance to escape from his thoughts. Well, at least for a little while. His thoughts would always come crashing back to him once he had finished a session, like ocean waves on a stormy night. The thoughts drowned him and Jun grew tired of fighting against the waves, letting himself sink and resulting in dancing no longer being an escape.
Jun’s thoughts were overpowering and had begun to break into his escape. They took away the calming effect dancing had on Jun and made him doubt his abilities despite the countless amount of hours Jun spent in dance studios. His thoughts took dancing away from him, leaving Jun without an outlet and without an escape.
He was lost.
Jun knew that he couldn’t be found.
“You’re much better than me, Minghao,” Jun told the younger male, stroking his hair softly. “I gave up on dancing, you didn’t. That’s what makes you the better dancer.”
Jun felt Minghao’s laughter on his chest. “You never want to take a compliment, do you?” His tone of voice was playful, but his drooping eyelids suggested that he was sleepy.
Perhaps if Jun was having that conversation a few months prior, he would have responded with a witty comeback that would have made the radiant smile on Minghao’s face shine even brighter. He could no longer bring himself to pretend to be that person.
“Complimenting you is more fun.”
Minghao let out another laugh, one that was much softer than his last laugh. His eyes were struggling to stay open but he seemed determined to stay awake. “Can I ask you something?”
Jun found himself struggling to keep his own eyes open. “Go ahead.” Jun hummed in an attempt to stop himself from falling asleep. He couldn’t fall asleep, despite living off only a few hours of sleep.
“Would you dance with me?” Minghao asked, picking at a lost thread on Jun’s shirt since Minghao was no longer wearing his sweater. “I know you said that you gave up on dancing, but I want to do a piece with you for this competition.”
Jun knew what his answer should have been. Yet, with Minghao lying against him and smiling at him sleepily, he couldn't say no. “Okay, I’ll do it if you really want me to.”
Minghao blinked up at Jun in disbelief, surprised for a brief moment. His lips curved into a grin. The smile tugged at Jun's heart, making him feel guilty for agreeing to something that he knew he wasn't going to be around for.
There was so much Minghao didn’t know about Jun. He didn’t know that his issues had spanned longer than Minghao had thought, nor did he know that Jun barely ate anything anymore. The younger had somehow not noticed the scars that lined Jun’s wrists or the thin lines that were hidden on his thigh. Jun had been quick to put his shirt back on after they were finished, hiding years of pain from the person who meant the most to him. The person he never wanted to show them to.
It's a good thing, Jun told himself silently. It's better that he never knows.
Jun watched as Minghao's eyes drew to a close and felt the other male's soft breathing hit his neck, tickling him slightly.
Despite wanting to leave, Jun felt his own eyes fall shut before everything went dark.
His nights of barely sleeping had finally caught up to him.
-
The sky had turned dark outside.
Jun opened his eyes with a start, feeling disoriented and unsure of the time. The warmth from the sun outside had disappeared and was instead replaced with the light patters of rain against the window of Minghao’s room.
Jun’s whole body felt cold, despite having Minghao resting against his chest. His gaze wandered around the room as he ran a hand through his hair nervously. Jun couldn’t hear any noises in the house and presumed that Minghao’s parents had not returned home yet.
I'm such a horrible person.
Jun carefully removed himself from the bed in an attempt to not wake Minghao up. The younger male continued to sleep peacefully, oblivious to the world around him as Jun zipped up his pants and laced up his beaten up converses. Jun eyed his leather jacket, deciding to leave it at Minghao’s house instead of taking it with him. He wouldn’t be needing it.
Jun made his way out of the house silently. He needed to get out. He had to end it all.
I don’t want to be alive anymore.
I’m so tired.
Jun didn’t deserve to have someone like Minghao love him.
Why the fuck does he love me?
He shouldn't have let himself sleep with him.
I was the first person he had ever slept with I don’t - I shouldn’t have done that.
He shouldn't be alive.
I never should have been born in the first place.
The sky began to turn dark as day transitioned into night. The light patters of rain had grown heavy, pouring down onto the earth and drenching Jun. His clothes were soaked through and his hair was plastered to his face, making him shiver. Jun didn’t take much notice of it.
At some point Jun had started to cry. He didn’t know when it begun, but his tears poured down like the rain that kept hitting him. Gone was the person Jun showed to the world, leaving the truly broken male exposed.
Everything felt too overwhelming. Jun didn’t even feel real, not did he feel much at all in that moment. His own mind was slowly slipping away into nothing, being replaced with the result years of issues. Jun’s mind was like the windscreen of a car, clear at the beginning of his life and slowly getting little cracks as he grew up. As the car kept driving, the cracks continued to spread until it was too late to save it.
He staggered along the edge of a road, his shivering becoming more violent as the rain grew heavier. Cars whizzed past Jun, going somewhere, travelling to a place far beyond Jun’s vision. Jun thought that life was nothing but a repetitive, aimless journey. It was a journey that Jun didn’t want to travel through anymore.
Jun knew he should have never been born.
The darkness of the night acted as a cloak for Jun, hiding him from the cars that drove by. His body moved as the lights an approaching car began to fill Jun’s vision quickly.
Within moments all the lights had gone out.
-
Jun awoke to the sight of a white roof.
The room around him had an eerie feeling to it, dead silent except for the sounds of beeping. The room was dull and grey, devoid of colour and warmth. Jun felt incredibly cold.
Everything hurt.
Jun's mother's face suddenly filled Jun's vision. Dark circles surrounded her eyes, contrasting harshly with her skin tone. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she began to cry, hugging Jun close to her. Jun knew that he should have felt bad for making his mother cry, but all he could feel was pain and the harsh sting of the real world.
He wasn’t dead. Instead of dying, he had woken up in the last place he wanted to be.
In reality.
-
Jun had injured his hips and ribs in his suicide attempt.
Everyday Jun had various doctors and psychiatrists visit his room, asking him an endless amount of questions that went unanswered. Jun wasn’t speaking. He couldn’t bring himself to. He wanted to just sleep forever. The doctors’ worry increased as the dosage of Jun’s medication increased. Jun found himself sleeping a lot, whatever drugs and painkillers the hospital were giving him made him feel extremely drowsy.
A few days after his suicide attempt, Jun had a visitor.
Jun had opened his eyes, feeling slightly disorientated and queasy. He felt something weighing down his arm. At first he dismissed it, thinking that the doctors had decided to restrain him. Jun glazed down at his arm, spotting familiar light brown locks of hair. Minghao had come to visit him.
The younger male’s head rest on the bed next to Jun’s arm, his chest rising and falling slightly as he slept. Minghao’s hand rested in Jun’s, clinging onto it tightly even in his sleep. Despite obvious dark circles surrounding Minghao’s eyes, the younger male seemed colourful in comparison to the dreary hospital room. He looked alive, unlike everything else in the hospital.
Minghao woke up a moment later and Jun found himself looking into a set of brown eyes. The younger male’s eyes no longer radiated warmth. Gone was the sunshine from the younger male’s eyes. Instead, that sunshine was now clouded.
Jun didn’t want to see Minghao. He didn’t want to speak to him, or anyone for that matter. All the doctors and psychiatrists constantly exited and entered the room, making assessments and pretending that they really knew how Jun felt. They were all concerned about Jun's well being, but he wanted nothing more than to just simply not exist.
The fact that Jun was alive meant that he had failed to kill himself. Being alive meant that he had to deal with the consequences of his actions and Jun didn’t want to do that.
"Jun..." Minghao trailed off, seeming uncertain. Jun had seen the same expression on his parents’ faces. No one new how to act around him. He was broken glass, glued back together by those around him in an attempt to save what was broken.
Jun suddenly felt a weight on his chest and looked down to find Minghao hugging him.
"I was so scared," The other male said in a low voice. "I woke up to an empty bed and five missed calls from your parents."
Jun remained silent. He didn’t know how he was meant to respond, not did he feel like speaking.
"They told me that you had gotten into an accident and were in hospital," Minghao continued, despite the silence. "I thought I had lost you."
Minghao pulled away from Jun, his eyes were watery and red. “They told me that you had injured yourself pretty badly and that the driver of the car said you ran onto the road.”
Jun could hear the building frustration in Minghao’s voice. He was most likely wanted answers but was scared. He was shaken up due to Jun’s attempted suicide and was scared form Jun’s health.
"Why did you tell me that you loved me if you were going to leave?" Minghao cried out l, burying his face in his hands. His voice came out muffled. “Why didn’t you tell me? I-I could have helped you.”
Jun felt a sting of pain in his chest and wondered if it was because of Minghao and not his injuries.
As if a dam had broken within the younger male, Jun watched as tears began to stream down Minghao's cheeks.
He had made Minghao do the one thing he never wanted to see him do.
He had made him cry.
Jun gingerly reached a hand out, slowly reaching towards one of Minghao’s hands. Jun wanted Minghao to stop crying. Despite not wanting to be alive himself, Jun didn’t want the one thing in that devoid hospital to lose its colour too. Minghao had always been the warmth in his life. He was Jun’s sun, even if he was somewhat shy and lacking confidence. Jun was the moon, a moon that constantly drifted out of orbit. He was lost and detached from the life he used to live. Minghao was the light that kept Jun going, the light that pulled Jun out of the darkness. Jun had once clung to that light and he never wanted it to go out.
A soft gasp escaped from Minghao’s mouth, causing him to drop his other hand from his face. Minghao’s hand felt warm against Jun’s own hand and Jun felt real for the first time in that hospital.
“You shouldn’t have…” Jun’s throat felt dry and his voice came out as a low, hoarse whisper. “Expected so much from me.”
Those were the first words Jun had uttered since he had woken up. It had taken him a lot of strength to get those words out and they truly reflected just how devoid and hopeless Jun had become.
Minghao’s eyes were wide in surprise. Minghao started stuttering, tripping over his words as he struggling to get out the words he wanted to say. “I’m s-sorry, Jun. I shouldn’t be angry at you.”
Jun didn’t respond, nor did he remove his hand from Minghao’s. “D-Don't look down on yourself so much Junhui,” Minghao said, “I know everything hurts and that you’ve been hurting for a lot longer than I ever thought, but everything will be okay. I’m here for you.”
Jun wished those words were enough.
“I’m not alive because I want to be. I’m only here because I failed to die.” Jun answered, beginning to find speaking less of a struggle. “I don’t know how to live.”
Minghao wiped his face on the sleeve of his jacket, a jacket that Jun recognised as his own. It was the old leather jacket Jun had left at his house. Jun never imagined that Minghao would ever wear it. Minghao continued to cry despite his attempt at drying his tears. He was trying to stay strong, but he didn't know how to. Minghao had never encountered someone like Jun before.
"I'll teach you," Minghao replied, giving Jun's hand a small squeeze. "I'll help you to live again. Even if it takes months and years."
Jun knew that that wasn't possible. Afterall, how could someone like him ever live normally again? Still, he gave the younger male’s hand a weak squeeze. That was all he could manage for now.
Minghao's lips curved into a soft smile.
"You're a free spirit, Wen Junhui," Minghao announced, "One that apparently always wanted to leave. I know you think the situation is hopeless, especially since you’re injured now. You can get better, I believe in you. Maybe one day we can dance together.”
The clouds in Minghao’s eyes began to fade away.
The sun was finding its warmth again and Jun wondered if maybe one day, he could hold onto that warmth and live again.