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He used to call it their kingdom, Taehyung recalls, this old abandoned swimming pool used to be their whole world. From its old cracked tiles, covered in years of dirt and grime, to the moss and weeds that grew up from the cracks to the way sunlight would stream through the filthy windows by day and the cold light of the moon illuminated the empty pool by night. It wasn’t the best location for skating, not like those smooth concrete pools but that was okay because it meant the others stayed away and it was truly theirs and theirs alone. With a wide smile and crinkled eyes, he would laugh and throw his arms wide, gesturing all around them and he would say “this is our kingdom, Tae, all this belongs to us.”
Their kingdom had been safe, a refuge from a world that never really wanted a couple of messy weird kids. Whenever it all became too much they would head here to be alone together. Here, in this old building that was falling down around them, they found a kind of heaven. Amongst the rot and mould they found peace. Days spent doing nothing but talking softly, laughing loudly and falling a little more in love each day until they were hopelessly intertwined like a couple of weeds that had grown too close and had become entangled, but Taehyung wouldn’t have had it any other way.
They spent so much time here together, the walls themselves were made of memories and still seemed to echo with their faint laughter. They said this place was haunted. Rumours always swirled that the ghost of a boy who had drowned here lingered in the lonely halls. Although they had spent many a night huddled together in a single sleeping bag and one torch to keep the darkness at bay, perhaps lying in the very pool where the boy had met his death so many years before, they had never caught even the slightest glimpse of any spook or phantom, or lonely drowned boys. Taehyung remembers being disappointed back then at the lack of paranormal activity and Jeongguk had rolled his eyes fondly, flashing him the widest smile and telling him that maybe next time. That same disappointment reverberates in his chest today.
The empty swimming hall is still physically the same, nothing had changed, not the cracked tiles, not the moss, not the sunlight that streamed through the window. Nothing had changed but everything had changed. The air was different, the silence was something heavy that weighed on him as though he were sitting at the bottom of the swimming pool instead of just by the side, with the full weight of the water pressing down on him. He was drowning. He thinks of the stories of the sad drowned boy who haunted the abandoned pool and wonders if that will someday be him or maybe it's already him. Tied to this place forever, doomed to wander aimlessly through the dark. He wishes this place was haunted. If there were other ghosts he might no longer be so achingly lonely.
He’s not sure why he came here today, not sure what the point is now that he’s alone. Maybe he simply had nowhere else to go. This had always been the closest thing he had been able to call home but as he sat here now at the edge of the empty pool, his feet kicking against nothing but dead air, the empty space around him was suddenly too big, too quiet, too hollow and he wonders if maybe home hadn’t been somewhere but someone.
He holds the skateboard in his arms, cradling it close the way a mother holds her child. He hasn’t let it go since that day and it’s become as much a part of himself as his arms or legs or heart. He carries it with him, it doesn’t seem right to ride it anymore. It’s no longer a skateboard but rather a relic, a reminder of what was lost. He even slept, when he managed to sleep that is, with his arms wrapped loosely around the cold wood, the sandpaper finish scratching his arms but he hardly cared or noticed. The skateboard was the only thing that brought him some measure of comfort these days.
This skateboard, it’s all he has left now.
He can’t stop the memories flooding back, thoughts he’d pushed away to protect what little heart he had left. Enough memories to fill the Olympic sized swimming pool three times over, a lifetime of memories.
He remembers the time Jeongguk fell from his board and chipped his front tooth, remembered how he’d smiled with blood gushing down his chin, laughing as Taehyung fretted over him. He remembers the time he’d cried on Jeongguk’s shoulder because his father had snapped and left him with a purpling bruise the size of a large coin on his cheek. He remembers the first time they kissed, the first time he felt whole as their lips touched and Jeongguk held him in his arms.
He remembers the day Jeongguk showed up with his new skateboard, the same board Taehyung now clings to.
He remembers the proud smile on Jeongguk’s face as he told Taehyung how many weeks he’d been saving to afford it, remembers how he gushed about it and remembers asking if he could have a go. Jeongguk’s response as he handed it over still repeats in his head to this day.
If you get so much as a single scratch on my board so help me Kim I will haunt your ass forever
It had been dumb and thoughtless but they’d both laughed, and it had become a running joke between them. Every time Jeongguk lent him his board it came with the same warning.
Damage it and I’ll haunt your ass forever Kim.
His fingers twitch on the board, feeling the rough surface beneath his fingertips. Mindlessly he traces the “KTH+JJG” Jeongguk had carved into the surface, right after the first time they’d had sex. Right here in this old empty pool. Not exactly romantic, or even comfortable, that worn sleeping bag the only thing between the heat of their bodies and the cold tiles beneath. He remembers propping himself up on his elbows, tired but satisfied, glowing and warm, watching Jeongguk fiddle with a pocket knife, carving something into his precious board.
Life, Taehyung realised, is made up of little moments. The first time they’d pulled the wood used to board up the doors away and made this place their sanctuary. He remembers the first time Jeongguk taught him to do a backside heelflip, how patient he'd been, even when Taehyung had messed up over and over again. He remembers calling Jeongguk at 3 in the morning just to hear his voice, let his steady words calm him enough so he could fall back asleep listening to Jeongguk murmur sweet nothings on the other end of the line. He remembers the time they spent their Christmas together here because neither of them really wanted to be with their families. Remembers how they’d bought cheap turkey sandwiches and exchanged small gifts sitting at the bottom of the empty pool, snow falling gently outside, the occasional flurries falling through the hole in the roof.
He remembers the first time Jeongguk told him he loved him. They’d been sitting causally at the edge of the pool, much like Taehyung is now, talking about nothing in particular. Taehyung had made Jeongguk laugh, he can’t even remember what he had said, but when the laugher had died down Jeongguk had looked him in the eye with a serious gaze Taehyung usually associated with him concentrating on learning a new boarding trick.
Kim Taehyung, I think I love you.
Little moments, that’s what life was made of.
Death, it turns out, is made of little moments too.
Going down hill on a skateboard a little too fast, without a helmet. A car taking the bend, a little too fast. The driver on the phone, not paying attention to the teenager hurtling towards them until it’s too late.
The thud as the body goes over the hood, accompanied by the screech of breaks being applied too late. The frantic screams of the driver as she leaps out of the car in a panic, phone tossed aside, too frantic to even think of calling for help. I didn’t see him, oh god, he came from nowhere, how was I supposed to see him? The ice cold dread that floods Taehyung’s lungs, drowning him as he sprints to be by his side, arriving too late.
Little moments, a matter of mere moments and everything changes, and Taehyung loses everything.
Ironically, Jeongguk’s skateboard is the only thing not damaged in the accident. The car broke his body beyond repair, but his beloved skateboard escaped without a scratch, the only blemish is their initials carved by Jeongguk himself.
“What happened to no scratches.”
“This is different.”
“How is it different?”
“This is important,” KTH+JJG “This is forever.”
The board is perfectly intact, and Taehyung feels sickness bubble up in his gut, sour bile stinging his throat as tears gather in his eyes. Somewhere in the empty hall water drips from the ceiling continously, the constant drip drip drip is the only sound and the silence is overwhelming.
If you get so much as a single scratch on my board so help me Kim I will haunt your ass forever
Over and over and over again, repeating in his head endlessly driving him mad.
He can’t take it anymore and everything he worked so hard to supress come rushing to the surface in an unstoppable, all engulfing wave of emotion.
With a cry and sudden burst of strength he swings he board as hard as he can, hitting it off the side of the pool. It doesn’t break initially so he swings it again, harder and it cracks. He keeps swinging it, hitting it off the hard tiles with all his strength until it breaks.
Fractured skull, splintered wood, broken spine, a wheel goes flying, closed casket and the board breaks in two.
Taehyung is left panting, holding the shattered pieces of the last thing of Jeongguk’s he owned. His heavy breathing is the only thing he can hear over his own pounding heart. He feels something wet on his face and belatedly realises he’s crying. His hands are bleeding, ugly splinters digging into soft skin, but he can’t feel them, even as bright red blood wells up.
He’s trembling, his whole body is shaking, and he feels as though he is moments away from falling apart at the seams.
“Well?” he yells, his voice ragged and far too loud in the silence, “Where are you?”
The silence that greets him only makes him want to scream louder.
“You said you would be here! You promised-” his voice breaks, his throat constricting so he can barely breathe. More tears sting his eyes, making the world around him blurry. “Please, just one more time, I need to see you one more time. I-”
A sob wrenches its way past the lump in his throat and he drops what was left of the skateboard, letting it thud to the ground.
“I just want to say goodbye.”
Nothing changes. The silence remains, reinforced by his bitter sobs. The sunlight doesn’t waver even thought Taehyung feels nothing but cold.
This place was never haunted, they learned that together when they were younger, and happy. Now Taehyung learns it never will be and he is completely,
undeniably,
devastatingly,
alone.