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The chill of the northern winds was a familiar numbness to Surry as he crossed the roof to overlook the courtyard below, watching the various students and teachers wandering about. He recalled his naïve days as a budding student of magic, unsure of his potential but willing to take the chance to learn and control it. He had great hopes for his future, but he never foresaw this, becoming the Archmage of the College, a burden he initially believed he could handle when Tolfdir informed him that he would be filling the spot. He tried to deny it, stating he wasn’t ready for such a step, but the Nord insisted that no one else could fill the role as well. He went on to order most of the College to be repaired after the events of the Eye caused considerable damage, slowly bringing the place back to its former glory and attracting many budding mages to its gates. It was as though its glory days had returned as students from across Skyrim filled the residence halls. While most of the Dunmer’s decisions were difficult in the first few days of his new position, it was only earlier this week that his toughest decision had been placed on his shoulders: The fate of Ancano.
He managed to not kill the other during that fateful battle to reach the Eye before it destroyed the College and took what was left of Winterhold with it, only paralyzing him with a spell before using the staff on the Eye to seal its power away. The elf was detained shortly after, awaiting the repair of the College before facing judgment. As the events happened within the College walls and most of the casualties were fellow mages, the Jarl left the choice up to the Archmage. Even though he was the reason this mess began in the eyes of most of the College members, he could never personally blame the Altmer for many reasons, most of which didn’t even matter aside from two. He understood the control the Eye of Magnus could impose on one’s mind, having felt it attempt to cling to his when he first approached it in Saarthal and the few times after when he entered the Hall of Elements during his efforts to find out what it was.
He’d find himself staring at the artifact for extended periods of time, blacking out briefly and coming to his senses again when he was inches away from touching the orb, contact the Eye wanted to take complete control. Even in its last moments in the hall, he felt it desperately try to take root in his mind as he willed it to be sealed, but he refused to let it happen and ordered the Psijic monks to take it as far away from Skyrim as possible. He still felt the Eye’s persistent call through its staff, having to lock it away in his barely used home in Falkreath to keep it from luring him or any other mages under its spell, thankful his Rayya wasn’t strong in the arcane arts. Ancano was just another victim of its allure, succumbing to it without realizing and serving the malicious presence within until he was pulled free from its control. And he knew he could never bring harm or wish harm upon the Altmer, having cared too much for him in his time as a student to allow such to happen.
He never told any of his fellow mages of his admiration for the Thalmor agent, knowing it was insane to have feelings for someone that would never accept him. He knew Altmer were naturally pretentious, preferring their own kind as partners if they wanted any in the first place. Ancano would never have even a sliver of interest in a Dunmer, especially a bumbling klutz like he was in his earliest days here, likely thinking him to be a child that had the luck of being blessed with magical prowess. His infatuation was borderline unhealthy some days, observing the other in the Hall of Elements during lectures or in the College’s library across the room from him, all while sketching in his book under the illusion of taking notes during classes or studying. The book was filled with dozens of sketches of the mer by the end of his first week and they were his secret, refusing to share the tome with anyone else in fear of being judged for his attraction. That was why when the decision was brought to his attention, he felt torn in his choices.
The College wanted a scapegoat to blame for the death of their fellow mages including the previous Archmage, a name to pin cold murder of some of the best mages in Skyrim to, but it wasn’t in him to blame the other. He spent most of the day pondering the decision before he was summoned to announce his choice in the matter, presenting himself in front of all the students and the Altmer himself under the restraint of the local guards. Everyone was surprised when he ordered the Thalmor agent be released and gave him a choice: Stay and continue learning at the College or return to the Embassy and the safety of his fellow Thalmor. He was equally surprised when Ancano decided to stay, giving Surry his gratitude for sparing his life.
It wasn’t until recently that Surry realized where his decision would lead him as his affection only grew as he began interacting directly with the Altmer, working out plans for the College with the unheeded aid of the Thalmor because of the Archmage’s charity in sparing their agent’s life. It became so intense that even the mild brushing of fingers or a friendly hand on the shoulder sent the Dunmer’s mind spiraling with possibilities and impure daydreams of what could be. He couldn’t stand holding back his feelings for the other anymore and finally decided to confront him about it, but he fled before the other could even react. In his mind, he already knew the Altmer’s response, his inevitable refusal to accept the adoration of this insignificant Dunmer. Surry couldn’t take the thought of having his love thrown back in his face so harshly, but keeping it locked away would’ve done no better for him. Either way would’ve been a loss, but now he fears having tainted the bond the two have shared so far. The companionship between them was a calm blessing in the hectic life of the Archmage, but the thought of having lost that was too much for the Dunmer. What else was there for him at this point in a position of power that caused him more stress than anything?
Surry’s unsure when he wandered to the edge of the roof, staring down at the calm, arctic waters more than a hundred feet below him. Uncertainty nipped at the back of his mind once more, reminding him of the mess he made since he arrived at the College months ago. He was the one that found the Eye, causing it to be brought back despite the danger he knew it would present, being too proud to have his name potentially associated with this exotic yet dangerous find. His pride set in motion everything that has happened: The destruction of the College, the endangerment of Winterhold, and the death of Savos Aren. He was to blame more than anyone else. He should’ve been the one with his life on the line for the damage caused and lives taken, but he was only seen as a hero for stopping the Eye and trying to fix everything, never the true villain in all of this.
He felt the bitter warmth of tears stream down his cheeks, moving to wipe them away with the sleeves of his robe, the Archmage’s robe, but stopped short and simply let his hand fall. What good was it to wipe them away when it would be the last thing he felt in his life? He climbed onto the edge of the ledge, glancing down once more before pulling off an amulet hiding beneath his robes, a simple silver necklace with an emerald set in the center. It was a gift he received from Ancano shortly after he announced his verdict that once sparked a hope that perhaps the feelings he had were returned, but logic viciously brushed that potential aside, giving it little more meaning than a trinket of their friendship.
“I’m sorry,” Surry whispered, lightly kissing the gem in the center before tossing it onto the roof behind him. “I’m not deserving of your gifts at this point, not after all the trouble I’ve caused.” He shifted his attention back to the icy waters, closing his eyes as he felt the wind against his back, giving into the force as it gently eased him forward.
“Forgive me for this…”
~~
Ancano had been busy in the Hall of Elements once again, trying to concentrate on practicing his spells but finding his mind drifting once more to the Dunmer mage. Surry had been a plague on his mind since the young mer stepped into this very hall on his first day at the College. He was observing the class Tolfdir was teaching when the boy stumbled in, joining the others quickly at the prompting of the elder Nord. The Dark Elf certainly showed prowess with his magic, his ward lasted longer than the other students and his fireballs were more potent; a practiced mage at such a youthful age it seemed. The two only locked eyes of a moment when the class was dismissed from the hall, but it was just enough for Ancano to get a good look at the boy’s face. He certainly looked younger than he may have been with his black hair half shaved, the long bangs swept to the left while the rest snaked around his neck in a messy, self-done braid. His purplish gray skin was free of any blemish or wrinkles, his exposed ear decorated with small gold earrings, and his sharp red eyes that glowed with warm desire. He forced away that look of interest that was burned into his mind in that moment, unsure why he was so intrigued by this Dunmer.
As he watched the other during his time at the college, it seemed more and more apparent that there was a connection between them to a point Ancano couldn’t deny after the other, in the position of Archmage, pardoned him of the events caused by the Eye. They began working closely soon after and he quickly discovered the depth of their bond when even the brief brushing of fingers sent sparks through him in a pleasant way, becoming stronger through consistent contact. The Altmer himself couldn’t deny it at that point, but he had doubts the Dunmer desired that kind of companionship, being too preoccupied with running the College on top of everything else going on in his life now. The boy was constantly stressed over one thing or another and the Thalmor agent would give anything to relieve him of even a fraction of his work.
He didn’t notice the other had entered the Hall until he dismissed his magic, sensing his aura before he could even speak. He quickly turned to him, smirking when he noticed the mer’s eyes widen in surprise. “Thought you could sneak up on me, did you?”
“Uh, no, of course not.” The Dunmer stammered. “I mean, I had no intention to approach you unannounced but…”
“It’s alright, my friend.” Ancano chuckled. “Now, what is it you need?”
“I just…” Surry seemed to struggle with his words as he carefully spoke. “I need to speak to you about something.”
“Alright,” the Altmer sighed “what seems to be troubling you?”
Surry sighed heavily as he scratched the back of his neck, unable to meet the golden gaze of the other. “It’s just that…I’ve had this bugging me for much longer than I thought it would linger, but I can’t simply ignore it anymore. It feels like a weight I’ve been carrying for years when it’s not even been a year. And I…” The Dunmer flustered and he seemed to notice as he pulled the hood of his robes up to conceal his face from peering eyes. “I…”
“What is it?” Ancano inquired, an essence of hope lingering in his chest, wondering if the other had realized their connection. “You can trust me.”
“It’s just that I…I wanted to…I sort of, kind of…” The Dunmer stumbled over the words, growling under his breath in his struggle. “Why can’t I just say it?”
“Surydus, please.” The Dunmer’s head snapped up at the use of his full name, locking eyes with the other finally. “If this is bothering you so much, I want you to be open with me, please.”
Surry bit his lip harshly before sighing deeply and grabbing Ancano by the front of his robes, pulling him forward and smashing their mouths together in a surprisingly gentle kiss. It only lasted a moment before the other pulled away, lost for a moment until his ruby eyes grew wide in panic. He released the other before quickly backing away as his eyes fell to the floor.
“I…I’m sorry…”
The Altmer barely had time to speak before the Dunmer bolted from the hall, moving faster than he expected as he remained stunned by the kiss. Why would the other apologize for something like that? What did he think he did wrong in that moment of pure emotion? Ancano snapped out of the trance and took off after the other, surprised when he kicked something in the entryway of the hall. He glanced down to find a familiar book now against the hall doors, quickly retrieving it.
He must’ve dropped it in his haste. He pondered, looking over the item for any sign of a title or personalization on the dark teal cover. Seems rather plain for someone like him, but he was always scribbling in it during his lessons. I wonder…
He carefully cracked the book open, surprised by the mixture of notes and sketches scattered throughout, the subject of every drawing being him, beautifully drawn in carefully done ink. The style developed as the pages went on with smoother lines and more precise detail, perfecting it. The mer had this book since his first day at the College, never letting anyone see it or leaving it behind during his travels or studies. Had he been longing for him for that long and never said anything? Why would he keep such intense feelings locked away and be ashamed of letting them be known now? He shut the book and only then noticed someone else in the area with him, throwing a gaze to the Dunmer girl standing by the doors, Brelyna if he recalled correctly, one of the students Surry studied beside before his quick promotion to Archmage. She curiously shifted her gaze between the book in his hand and him, her red eyes burning through him.
“Why do you have Surry’s book?” She inquired. “He doesn’t willingly hand it off to anyone.”
“He dropped it a while ago when he was…quickly leaving.” Ancano sighed, briefly reflecting on the kiss. “It seems to be significant, so I should get it back to him, but I’m not sure where he could’ve gone.”
“He shouldn’t be too far if he just left.” Brelyna stated. “Then again, he’s quick even for a mage, he definitely was when we were in Saarthal. Disappeared with Tolfdir into the bowels of the ruin only to emerge a little over an hour later, not a mere feat from how big Tolfdir stated the crypts beneath were. It’d be best to make sure he hasn’t slipped away from the College completely.”
“If you could do that, I’d appreciate it greatly.” Ancano murmured. “I’ll see if he’s retreated to his private quarters and make my way down from there.”
“I’ll recruit J’zargo and Onmund to help me search the lower areas of the College.” Brelyna added. “We’ll meet in this Hall if neither of us has found him by then.”
Ancano nodded and began up the stairs to the Archmage’s Quarters, carefully pushing the door open before slipping inside. Nothing seemed disturbed, most everything being the way it had been when he was here yesterday evening. Surry had always been organized, supposedly having had a conniption fit when he found the quarters a mess. He completely reorganized everything once he began settling in, able to rearrange the space just right for his needs. No book was left out, no ingredients on the alchemy table, and enchanted items and soul gems never leaving the safe by his bed. Ancano appreciated this organization he had, it was a cute habit the Dark Elf was well known for in his own quarters when he started at the College. The Altmer crossed the room to where the bed was, hoping the boy went to seek solace in his sheets but found it uncomfortably empty and a complete mess, unlike how Surry would normally keep it.
As he turned back to the stairs, he noticed the other set of doors cracked open, knowing well that they were kept locked since they led up to the rooftop of the Hall. A cold chill went through the mer as he quickly crossed to the doors and hurried up the stairs to the roof, greeted by the bitter sting of northern wind in his face. Thankfully it wasn’t snowing, giving a clear view of the rooftop and everything around and below it. He only just caught sight of Surry from the corner of his eye, the mer standing on the edge of the raised wall around the roof, seeming lost in his thoughts. He watched him pull out something from beneath his robes, the silver emerald necklace he had gifted to him before. It was more a trinket of friendship with romantic hints, but something Ancano knew the other cherished, yet he watched him toss it aside before looking out onto the ocean. He barely caught the other’s words as the wind died down for a moment.
“I’m not deserving of your gifts at this point, not after all the trouble I’ve caused.” The Dunmer sounded defeated as the wind picked up again, seeming to push him as his body leaned over the edge.
“No!”
The Altmer raced to the other with speed he never knew he had, grabbing the other by the back of his robes just barely and yanking him back. He caught the other in his arms and grabbed him tightly as he stumbled back onto the cold hard stones of the roof, refusing to let the other go as they sat there in the blistering winds. The ache from the landing didn’t matter at that point, only the Dunmer in his arms. Surry was slow to realize what had happened until he opened his eyes, finding himself still on the roof of the College. He began to ponder why until he felt something warm and wet nuzzle against his neck, turning to find the face of his Thalmor friend buried in his shoulder and his arms holding him tightly.
“Don’t you dare go and do that to me, you bastard!” The Altmer growled, his hands balling into fists as they grabbed at the robes of the other. “I’m not going to lose the only thing I have left in this damned world!”
Surry felt his heart shatter when the other looked up, the tear-stained cheeks of the Altmer’s golden face too much for him to bear as tears of his own broke free. He nuzzled into the other’s neck as he silently sobbed into the other’s embrace.
“I’m sorry…” was all he could muster as he turned in the other’s arms, curling against the older mer as the other held him close. It was a chilling relief that Ancano didn’t brush off the act as something mundane as he would’ve previously in his life, unsure how he would’ve dealt with losing someone that had become so important to him over a matter of weeks. He hoped to never find out as he pressed his face into the dark locks of the other, gingerly running his fingers through the length loosened from the braid as the other rested against him. He couldn’t blame the other for being fatigued after everything so far, unable to find rest since bringing the Eye to the College and even now unable to find peace with the responsibilities of the Archmage heavy on his mind. It felt like ages before the other finally shifted again, resting against his shoulder so he could look up at the other, the pools of ruby filled with a mixture of confusion and longing. He moved to turn away but was stopped by Ancano, who turned his face back to him.
“Why?” was the only word the Altmer could utter, stern but heavy with deep-set emotions. Tears came back to Surry as he refused to meet the other mer’s gaze, his nails digging into his palms as he summoned the courage to speak.
“I knew you wouldn’t accept my confession” Surry murmured “and I was afraid of hearing your rejection. You deserve better than me, I know you do. My kind is nothing but filth to your mer-kin and I know it must make you sick knowing someone like me could harbor such deep feelings for someone of such high esteem. But I couldn’t hide them any longer and you deserved to at least know that someone so insignificant cared so deeply for you.” He pulled his face away when the Thalmor’s grip weakened on his chin. “I wouldn’t blame you hating me at this point.”
“Why would you ever think I could hate you?” The Dunmer looked back at him, bewildered by the question. “You’re one of the closest friends I have in this city, in this entire country, and I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything else. What would make you think I despised you in any way?”
Surry looked away once more. “Not to sound prejudiced, but it’s how your race is. Any Altmer I’ve run into in the past, Thalmor or not, just looked at me in disgust, like I was something that crawled out of the mud. It didn’t bother me as much in my early days of travel…until I saw you for the first time, then it started eating away at me because I knew it could never happen. I was chasing a wild fantasy at that point, but I couldn’t force the feelings away, I knew better.”
“You’re not wrong there.” Ancano sighed. “My kind can be very pretentious and belittle those not of our race, but not all of us remain that way for long.” He nuzzled into the side of the Dunmer’s face, surprising the other. “Truthfully, you’ve been the center of my world since you first arrived at the College, whether I wanted you to be or not.” Surry looked back at the other as he continued. “I didn’t want to accept it at first, thinking I was going crazy for having someone like you stuck in my mind. As time went on, I simply accepted it as Mara’s gentle guidance to something I wasn’t even sure of, but I only realized the truth after you spared me the blame for the incidents involving the Eye. Our connection was undeniable at that point and I couldn’t imagine walking down any other path without you beside me.
“That’s the reason I stayed when you offered me my choices because to leave you behind would be leaving a piece of myself as well. I was hoping to eventually summon the courage to confess, but you beat me to it. I didn’t say anything because you surprised me with that sudden affection that I had been blind to all these months and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner.” He gently cupped the other’s face in his hand, pulling him close with an arm wrapped around the Dunmer’s waist. “But it seems our feelings are out in the open, no more secrets for us.” Surry nodded, his purple-gray cheeks beginning to flush red between the cold and the proximity between the two. “Perhaps we should take this inside before you start freezing.”
“That’d be wise.” Surry sighed. “But first…”
The Altmer gave the other a curious look as he wrapped his arms around his neck, suddenly closing the space between them as he was pulled into a kiss, just as gentle as before but with more confidence behind it. The older mer didn’t take any chances and moved a hand to rest on the other’s neck, tilting his face to slot their lips together perfectly. The warmth of the contact almost rivaled the aura of every healing spell both mer knew, even as they parted to inhale the bitter air around them. Ancano shuffled the other in his arms before pushing himself to his feet, carrying the other inside and carefully shutting the door behind him as the duo retreated to Surry’s quarters.
Both were unaware of the three students previously watching them from the door to the rooftop that scrambled down the stairs to avoid discovery, watching just out of sight as the Altmer carried their Archmage into his room. The Khajiit among the three decided to take a risk and quickly climbed up the stairs, peering inside for a moment. He watched Ancano carry Surry to a spot near the garden, setting him down then moving out of sight behind to wall, returning with a large blanket. The Khajiit slowly shut the door before rejoining his friends below.
“Why the hell did you do that?” Brelyna inquired quietly. “You could’ve been spotted.”
“He obviously was preoccupied with our Archmage, so J’zargo was simply aiding in their privacy.” The Khajiit chuckled.
“And risking being spotted by that crazy Thalmor agent?” Onmund spoke up. “You truly must have a death wish.”
“Do not underestimate J’zargo’s sneaky tendencies or you might find a few lightning sigils in your sleeping quarters tomorrow morning.” The Khajiit snickered.
“That’s enough, you two.” Brelyna sighed, glancing toward the door then back to her friends. “Surry’s been found and he’s okay, that’s all that matters at this point, so let’s leave the two be, alright?” The two mages nodded and proceeded quietly down the stairs as Brelyna continued. “And neither of you are to breathe a word of this to anyone else, it remains between the three of us, agreed?”
“Of course, Brelyna.” The duo quietly chuckled, hurrying down the stairs and disappearing from the sight of the Dunmer.
She patiently waited until she heard the door close at the bottom of the stairwell before slinking up to the door herself, biting her lip before risking a peek into the room. She smiled as she sees the two sitting by the small garden, bundled under a large blanket as they quietly conversed. He deserved this after everything that’s happened and she was glad to have been wrong about the Thalmor agent, hoping the two could be happy together. She silently shut the door then quickly scurried down the stairs, hoping neither of the two had noticed her as she slipped out of the stairwell, leaving it in a calming silence.