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He doesn't really know what's wrong.
Laying on his back in his bed, everything feels... sluggish. His blood, his movements, his will to do something, anything.
As the maknae in a highly influential (and when did that even happen?) group, Jeongguk knows he can't fall apart like this. But... his mental health is waning. Has been for the past horrible week or so, and to top it all off, the company doctor thinks he may have mono?
No. No. He can't be sick right now. There's so much to be done, so many things he's responsible for, he can't let them down and tell them that he can't.
He can't tell them about all these nights where sleep eludes him. He can't tell them about the crushing anxiety, sadness, about this weight sitting on his chest that he can ignore during the day and be happy, but that all drops down on him when the silence reigns. He can't tell them that he feels like he's fraying at the seams, and has been for the past week.
And yet.
And yet, Jeongguk feels himself reach for his phone, and type out a message.
To: Feed Me
hyung
8:52
From: Feed Me
what's up JK? everything good
8:52
A shaky breath. No, no, his oldest hyung has been working himself ragged lately. He can't unload everything onto him.
To: Feed Me
yeah haha sorry just wondering if we have any good snacks
i'm hungry still
8:53
From: Feed Me
you punk
only coming to me for food i see how it is
(i'll have joonie bring some when he goes to bed~)
8:53
To: Feed Me
thanks hyung you're the best!
8:53
From: Feed Me
yeah yeah i know
make sure to get to sleep early while you can, kook
♥
8:54
To: Feed Me
♥
8:54
He tosses his phone back on the bed with a groan. He knows that he can't keep going on like this. But it's hard to confide in someone sometimes. To feel like an inconvenience, to voice all his dumb insecurities out loud. To try to express the thickness in his chest and his blood that makes it difficult to function.
No, no, no. If he keeps thinking about it all it'll turn into a full-on panic attack and that can't happen, not now not now not now.
But he can't help the tears that begin to flow freely as his brain churns and churns, going over everything he has to do and when it has to be done by and there's just so much but all he wants to do is sleep sleep sleep relax he's so tired and his whole body aches and his head and throat feel like death and oh yeah he still has to tell the hyungs he has mono isn't that just fantastic -
The sound of the door opening has him rolling over and pressing his face into the covers in attempt to hide himself. Maybe if they think he's asleep they'll go away? (Or maybe if they stay they'll listen and they can help you?)
A quiet voice, "Gguk-ah, are you awake? Jin-hyung said you were hungry?"
Ahh. Right. Seokjin was sending Namjoon with snacks. How could he have already forgotten? That literally just happened. It seems as though a lot of things have been slipping his mind these days.
Now a hand gently rubbing his shoulder, "Gguk-ah?"
There's a sob rising up in his throat, but he puts all of his effort into shoving it back down. It seems as though the universe is against him, however, and a gross choking sound forces its way out before he can stop it.
The hand freezes for a moment before gripping tighter and turning him over. At the last possible moment, Jeongguk regains his grip on the blankets covering his face and even though it's just prolonging the inevitable, he's grateful.
But then those strong hands are pulling away the protective cover of his sheets, exposing him in all his tear-covered, red-faced, puffy-eyed glory.
Namjoon's face drops from confusion into sweet, sad concern. "Oh, Gguk-ah..." And no matter how hard he's tried, Jeongguk knows that this, this, is his breaking point. He feels his expression crumple, and tears are streaming down his face, hot and fast.
But before he can even take a breath and try to speak, the strong arms of his leader are pulling him up and tucking him against his chest.
They sit like that for a minute, Namjoon with his chin resting on the maknae's head, quietly humming a song that Jeongguk is too deep in his head to recognize. Gradually the tune becomes words, and the younger cocks his head and listens as the lyrics to 'Always' ring out. Which, of course, only makes him cry harder, because.... Well. It's all too relatable right now isn't it?
But thankfully, Namjoon isn’t thought of as a genius for no reason.
“It’s okay Gguk-ah. Let it out. It’s okay. Just keep breathing, yeah? Remember, in four, hold four, out four."
Somehow through tears and choked breaths he forces out, "hurts, it hurts, this is too much, I can't -"
Namjoon's grip on him tightened, and Jeongguk felt a gentle kiss be pressed to the crown of his head. "It's okay little one. You're gonna get through this, I know it's hard. Trust me, I know it is. But you'll fight your way through it all. Hyungs are here for you in any way we can be. Just breathe with me. It'll be okay. Just breathe."
Jeongguk's breathing stuttered in his chest as he struggled to match his breaths with his leader. Once he'd gotten it to a relatively stable point, he continued, "I just... There's too much, I can't be sick, there's too much to do and I can't disappoint anyone and there's too much to do and they think it's mono and I really don't have time for that right now and I'm sorry -"
The elder pulled him slightly off his chest and placed his hands on the singer's shoulders, running them down his arms and then back up again. Jeongguk's chin was tucked against his chest, face scrunched and clearly trying to hide. A gentle hand on his jaw guided his gaze up to the older rapper's face.
"Gguk, I need you to listen to me, okay?" Jeongguk gave a shaky nod.
"It's going to be okay. You're going to get everything done. Anything you can't do yourself, we will help you with. The managers will understand, you're sick. It's okay to be sick, it's okay to be overwhelmed. But Gguk-ah, you need to be kind to yourself, okay? You can only do so much. You work so hard. Don't punish yourself because you can't do the impossible."
Be kind to yourself.
It was a foreign, profound statement. Jeongguk was always, had always, pushed himself as far as he could go to meet not only his own expectations, but others' as well.
Be kind to yourself.
And that really was the base of everything wasn't it? The cause for stress, the resulting self-loathing when something went wrong or he fell short of someone's expectations.
Be kind to yourself.
He had once mentioned that he'd like a tattoo, before Yoongi discouraged him from it. But.... If he were, this... This would be a good one. Maybe on the inside of a finger or something. Somewhere he could remind himself of it.
Be kind to yourself.
Jeongguk let that build as a mantra in his mind as he continued to hold Namjoon's soft gaze, seeking something in his eyes, and coming up with nothing but the leader's sincerity and love. With a soft sob, he launched himself forwards, wrapping his arms around the elder and pressing his face into the juncture between his neck and shoulder.
The tears weren't harsh and desperate this time, just the silent tears that come coupled with both an aching sadness and a reverent realization.
And Namjoon stayed through him through the storm (like any of them, like all of them would), and when the tears had stopped flowing, whispered, "be kind to yourself Gguk-ah. I love you, and I want you to love yourself just as much. So be kind to yourself."
And Jeongguk smiled.