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The 4th Shade
Heartbreak. Noun. Overwhelming emotional distress most frequently caused by love and the sudden absence of such.
Something everyone experiences but no one wants. It’s like something in the fine print of the contract one unknowingly signs when entering into a relationship, something you normally don’t notice but informs you regardless of the pain you’re feeling. It’s like reaching the highest point of a rollercoaster and then finally seeing the emotional void that you’re about to plunge into.
It’s loving somebody with your entire heart, your whole soul, and with every fiber of your being and then having everything reduced to nothing in an instant and leaving you cold, broken and, most noticeably, alone.
Alone.
Alone.
“-are you even listening to me anymore?! Jesus, Cas, it’s like you’re not even here when I’m talking to you! All you ever do is space out and pretend like I don’t exist. Well news flash pal, that doesn’t work in the real world. That crap doesn’t fly here and you know that. You know that Cas!”
Castiel forced his eyes back into focus to stare at his boyfriend, Dean Winchester. They had been high school sweethearts and, for a while, everything was perfect. Now it seemed like all they ever did was argue.
“Say something! Say something back to me Cas, let me know you’re still here! It takes both of us to get through anything. Cas? Baby?”
Castiel heard him pleading, trying to sound helpless and like he hadn’t just been pushing the blame away. He scoffed inwardly, but let him go on.
“Cas…. you know I love you. You know that. Right? You do right? Cas? I need your help baby. I need you to help me so that I can help us. I just wish you would listen to me.”
Exhaling softly, Castiel blinked but did not break eye contact with Dean. He didn’t want to listen. It was clear things were not going to work out this time. Nothing would ever be enough for Dean. Castiel could never be enough to appease Dean Winchester. But he didn’t want to argue either. God, he was so tired of arguing. So fucking tired. He blinked again, trying his hardest to block the voice of the other, but failing as usual. He’s done with this. So done.
“Cas, look at me. Baby, are you alright? You’re like a zombie, man,” Dean chuckled.
If Castiel were in the moment he would have glared. As it were, he was not. He mumbled a “sorry”. He was always mumbling these days and Dean was always looking for an apology because, ultimately, it was Castiel’s fault. Always Castiel’s fault.
“It’s okay, baby,” Dean cooed at him, ecstatic at a response. “I just want us to be happy. Like before, right? Everything should be like it was before.” He smiled at him, putting his hands on his shoulders.
Castiel shrugged them off angrily. The longer this went on the less involved he wanted to be and yet, at the same time, the more he heard the stronger the urge to argue with Dean again became. But that was what Dean wanted. If Dean was successful in provoking Castiel to the point beyond his god-tier temper, he instantly wins. On the other hand, if Castiel was successful in ignoring the verbal prodding Dean constantly sent his way, Dean would think that much more of himself.
Castiel pondered, staring hard at Dean. Dean gazed back with a lazy smile dancing on his face as he thought of things to say that halfway started to spill from his lips before he changed his mind. It was infuriating, really. It couldn’t go on like this. Castiel had to do something, and now.
Not breaking eye contact, he caught his breath before inhaling sharply and releasing every emotion Dean had made him feel over the past few months.
“Do you even hear yourself when you speak?” he demanded, his voice scratching from the sudden use. Dean flinched in surprise and tried to speak but was cut off before even a syllable was said. “Because if you did then maybe you would see exactly why I can’t bring myself to!” His voice was rising above the croak he’d become so accustomed to. Dean stared at him, incredulous. Maybe he had never expected Castiel to actually fight back. Or maybe he had simply hoped he never would. But Castiel wasn’t finished. Oh no, he was just getting started. “Really, Dean, the list goes on and on. It could be because, at some point, you stopped caring about what I thought. My thoughts and opinions used to be so interesting, right Dean? But now you’re too full of yourself to give me a chance to share.”
Dean interjected, finally. “Cas….where is this coming from..? I don’t know what to say.”
“Well that must be a first,” Castiel jeered, his voice cracking as the full impact of what was happening hit him. “Don’t you see? We can never go back to the way things were, Dean. Ever. We’ve come too far from it all.” A single tear crept down his cheek as he spoke, voice wavering. “I can’t do it anymore Dean. I’m sick of living like this and I just can’t do it anymore.”
A brief silence fell between them but was broken soon enough by Dean.
“Are you….leaving then?” Dean asked. Castiel nodded slowly, as if he hadn’t made up his mind until that very moment. “I see,” Dean rubbed his temples with one hand. “Then I guess you really aren’t the same as the man I fell in love with.”
Castiel froze in shock. Dean continued.
“I’ve noticed something off for a while now. As time went on you’ve become more timid and soft spoken. Where is the Castiel who would shout for me across the school cafeteria for no other reason than that he was excited to see me? You’ve changed, Cas, and I have to say I’m not a fan-”
Dean stopped suddenly. The fist perfectly aimed directly at his jaw was probably a contributing factor. Castiel recomposed himself, though he was still shaking and the tears were falling off of his face faster. Dean remained bent over, clutching his face in both hands as blood trickled from his mouth. Neither of them moved, save for the occasional shaky breath from Castiel. The moment felt like an eternity.
“I’m not the only one who’s changed,” Castiel asserted. Dean didn’t react. He continued. “You’ve become more aggressive, Dean.” Dean scoffed at this, as if it were he who had just physically assaulted the other. Castiel chose to ignore this, mostly so he wouldn’t have to hit him again since, this time, he wouldn’t go for a spot quite so free of pain. “You’re always blaming others. You have this god-like image of perfection for yourself that always finds a way to deflect all of your shortcomings onto me. You need to man up and start taking responsibility for yourself or you’re always going to stay alone. You won’t be able to find someone who will stay with that as long as I did.” He started tearing up again.
“You’re wrong,” Dean grunted. He straightened himself and let his hands drop back to his sides. “That’s not right. There’s no way...” He trailed off.
Castiel sighed. “Maybe you aren’t the man I fell in love with either,” he said softly. “We’re done, Dean. I’m leaving and I won’t be coming back.” He started to turn but was hastily pulled back to facing the other man.
“Don’t you dare,” Dean threatened. “If you take one step out that door --hell, you take one step back away from me again-- we’re done. You sure as hell won’t be coming back, not if I have any say in it.”
“Dean…don’t...” Castiel stared at him, trailing off. Dean was so transfixed in his eyes that he didn’t see the second blow blazing towards his stomach, while another hammered swiftly onto his chin. Falling to the floor, he heard Castiel’s last words -- the last words he would hear him say.
“Don’t,” Castiel murmured. “make this harder than it has to be.”
He turned sharply and strode away, without a single glance back at his former love, left cowering on the floor. Unexpected hatred burned behind him as Castiel walked on, a certain satisfaction weighing on mind as he shook his aching knuckles.
Heartbreak. Noun. Overwhelming emotional distress most frequently caused by love and the sudden absence of such.
But how can one feel pain caused by love if love is not present to inflict it. It’s something everyone experiences sometimes. But it doesn’t have to be every time. No… not every time. Sometimes your rollercoaster stops before it even reaches the top. Sometimes contracts can be broken.
Sometimes…..
Sometimes a little pain is what you need to feel alive.
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