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You were never a big hugger. Physical affection of any kind always seemed so strange and awkward to you. Handshakes, high fives, friendly punches to the shoulder, any of that was just not your thing. You couldn’t explain why, you just hated being touched. It wasn’t from fear of germs or lack of social skills. You were a very outgoing and friendly person. It wasn’t some traumatic event that you had gone through as a child or young adult or anything either. You had grown up knowing you were loved and told so but you weren’t shown physical affection because that’s just not how you family was.
But that was before you had met the Winchesters. Even though they seemed like rough and rugged hunters, manly men who didn’t share their feelings, they were both awful touchy and huggy. They were large men and it never failed to intimidate you when you stood even close to them. They towered over you like redwood trees and when they put their hand on your back, you felt like they could cover the whole length of your shoulder blades. You never said anything about their little touches, just simple things like touching your shoulder to get your attention or booping you on the end of the nose. You tried to hide your wince or a cringe every time their warmth would come in contact with you and so far you thought you had done pretty well.
It wasn’t a bad experience. It wasn’t that you hated them touching you or that you wanted them to stop, it was just something you were having a hard time getting used to. It was like they knew you were adjusting so they never mentioned it and yet they didn’t stop. They wanted to let you know that you were cared for, they wanted to show that you were loved. And since words were never used, they expressed everything through their actions. You weren’t able to retaliate yet, but hopefully they could see the appreciation and love in your eyes and in your soft smile. They always made themselves available to you, always let you know that you could come to them for anything at anytime.
Sam was the touchiest of the two of them. Dean liked to give hugs or kisses into your hair or a slap on your shoulder. But Sam, he liked to sit close, his thigh against yours whenever you were on the couch or sitting in a booth at a diner. His hand always seemed to be touching you somewhere, whether it was your lower back or your shoulder or resting against your knee. He lingered nearby you whenever you stood, at your side as you walked. His lips lingered against your forehead for longer than necessary or kissed your cheek unexpectedly. His affection was much more personal and intense. Where you felt like a little sister when you were being held against Dean’s side, you felt like a treasure curled against Sam’s.
As much as you appreciated their affections, you found that you were never able to return them. You never offered hugs or consoling shoulder to cry on. This made you feel guilty, made you feel like you weren’t the friend either of them deserved. They had done so much for you over the past few months, the least you could do was offer a handshake or an innocent kiss to the cheek. You couldn’t even hug back when they offered. You could only imagine what this looked like from their end, how that made them feel. You would lie awake at night sometimes, letting guilt and pain overtake you with the thought. You just wished you had the nerve to reach out to them, let them know that you cared as much as they did.
The drive back to the bunker was especially quiet tonight. The reason being that the hunt had been a particularly rough one, especially on Sam. The long haired man stared out the window with sad hazel eyes, not willing to talk as you and Dean threw glances his way from time to time. Sam had held a teenage boy in his arms, catching him after he was attacked. Dean had taken out the monster but they were too late. The boy had died in Sam’s arms and the youngest Winchester had watched the life leave bright youthful eyes. Dean had crouched beside his brother, offering a hand on Sam’s shoulder saying something about can’t save them all or you did the best you could. But Sam simply let a tear slide down his cheek before carrying the boy out of the house in silence.
When the Impala finally pulled into the garage, Sam was the first to jump out. He headed inside quickly, Dean calling his name as he went. A sigh passed the eldest lips before he closed the door and headed inside. You frowned deeply before darting inside, Dean’s brow knit with confusion as you passed him. With his long legs and fast pace, Sam was already in his room locked away from the rest of the world. Panting slightly, your fist lifted to knock on the door, your eyes falling timidly to the floor. “Don’t wanna talk about it, Dean.” The Winchester called out through the door.
You swallowed heavily before your voice came out almost like a breathless squeak. “It’s me, Sam.” You waited a moment for his answer. When you began to think he didn’t want to talk to you either, you sighed and turned to walk away. Before you could even take a step, you heard the door open. When you turned toward the door again, you craned your neck to look up at the tall man. Your heart instantly broke when you saw the tears in his red and puffy eyes. “Sam.” Your voice was soaked with empathy and compassion, tears of your own forming.
His puppy eyes fell as he worried his lip between his teeth. Giving you a nod, he stepped aside to allow you entrance, closing the door behind you when you stepped into the dark lit room. You felt a slight tremor rush through your body before you swallowed the lump that formed instantly in your throat. Sam stalked by you to sit on the end of his bed and you watched his shoulders slump. You took in a breath and came to sit next to him, your hands resting in your lap. Silence was left in the air for a few minutes.
“He had his whole life ahead of him.” Sam whispered, breaking the suffocating stillness. Your head turned to him but you spoke not a word, allowing him to continue. “He was still so young. He could have gone to college, got married, had kids, died of old age.” You heard the tremor in his voice and you swallowed back your emotions. “If I had been one step quicker…” He paused abruptly when he felt your hand against his thigh. His eyes dropped, wide with his shock before his gaze lifted to you.
Your own eyes were wide and your breathing had become labored. This was the biggest step you had taken with either of the brothers and your heart was threatening to burst from your chest. You still didn’t speak, you both just sat there and stared at one another. Trying to find your breath, you did the only thing you could think of. After another hard swallow, you brought your hand from his leg and outstretched both of your arms to either side of you in invitation. Sam’s chest didn’t rise with his breath, his eyes looking between your arms in a daze. Your fingers wiggled as you began to doubt your actions, feeling like a rejection of your hug would break you.
Your open arms hung there for what felt like hours before finally something happened. The giant of a man wrapped his arms around your middle, resting his face into the crook of your neck. You jumped at the sudden contact, unable to respond at first. But finally when you began to feel his trembling, your arms slowing moved to wrap around him. Your cheek rested against his hair and your breathing began to fall in sync with his. You were still for a moment, still adjusting to this new action. When you were finally able to relax, you both seemed to meld together. Your hand rubbed soothingly against his back as you allowed him the comfort he needed.
“Sometimes bad things happen, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It hurts and it sucks but it’s not your fault.” Feeling bold, your head turned to place your lips against his chestnut locks, a delicate kiss against his scalp. “No matter what has happened, you have always been there for me with open arms.” You felt his head lift, his bloodshot eyes meeting yours and you offered him a warm smile. Your hand trailed lightly over his cheek, wiping away stray tears, your eyes following your fingers as they moved against tanned skin. There was silence once again before your eyes found his again. “And just know that now, I’ll always be here with open arms too.”
His face seemed to light up with that and a smile grew on his lips. He didn’t say anything simply nodded as another tear slid down his cheek. His eyes fell to your mouth for a moment, his lips twitching as if he wanted to kiss you and your heart stopped. There was a brief moment of panic and maybe he saw it in your eyes when he looked up after your body had gone rigid. “Thank you.” He whispered before coming to rest against your neck again. You let out a sigh of relief, your eyes closing as you finally steadied your breathing. You weren’t ready for the kiss yet so he would revel in the warmth of your embrace for now and you were grateful that he hadn’t pushed you.
“You’re welcome.” You whispered in return, your arms tightening around him, fingers rubbing soothing patterns against his back as you began to rock. You were so small and he was such a giant and yet, he fit so perfectly with you and it made you smile as your eyes closed. He fell asleep like that and knowing that your presence had brought him that comfort, you were able to relax and fall asleep as well, not that you would have been able to escape his hold even if you wanted to leave. But for once, you were perfectly fine with staying right here, with your arms wrapped around the man you loved.