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Pathetic is really the only word that comes to Dan's mind when he thinks about how much he let Phil get to him. What makes it so bad is that he knows his best friend is not even trying. There's not a malicious bone in his body and Dan knows he never has, and he doubts Phil ever will, be intentionally hurtful to him.
But damn if his slip ups don't sting.
Somehow he has given Phil the power to wipe away his smile, crush his confidence, cause him to doubt his self image with a handful of poorly chosen words. Just a badly timed silence or glance could be enough to knock Dan off his game. And the killer is Phil doesn't even realize he's doing it...
Because how do you tell someone who considers you to be one of their closest friends, their best friend even, that you can't feel happy about feeling the same about them because of the pain they cause?
He has told Phil that he's left him in tears. Multiple times. And yet it still happens.
He's told his best friend about his anxiety, his paranoia, and how easily he can be set into a panic attack. Dan has let him see him break down in fear at the mere mention of one of his sleepless, paranoid nights. But that hasn't stopped Phil from bringing that up in the middle of conversation, like he somehow expects Dan to be able to continue on with a smile. As if his best friend didn't just shoot an arrow through his heart, dragging behind it the film negatives of every panic attack, every existential crisis, and every paranoid night he has ever suffered.
So Dan asked for a break. It fit, they both would be spending time with family for the holidays. He told Phil that he needed to step away for a while. He tried to heal... Dan knew the wounds would come back, rip open again, if he let their relationship go on like it currently was. It had to stop completely if he was gonna stop crying before bed because of Phil's words.
Because of his actions. His texts and messages. His silly little smile. The touches and laughs during videos. All those adorable quirks. Those looks he'd give Dan that just made him... Damn it! It had to stop! It just had to.
But Dan didn't stop to consider that he'd miss him. It didn't cross his mind that cutting Phil out would cause even more pain. Because his adorable little spoon didn't deserve that, especially when Dan can't even express the real reason why he needed to step back. How could he ever have thought that space from the best friend he's ever had would be helpful?
He didn't know when the pain will end, if it will at all. Nor is he sure he'll ever learn to fully heal from their friendship. But he did know that without doubt Phil was worth the pain if that's what it took to keep him in Dan's life.
It's not what he wanted. But if it was between staying best friends and losing Phil? Well, at least he could survive the pain of being friends.