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Her eyes are stinging with all the different lights from the arena, her ears hurting at the roar of the crowd in front of her, she hears her name being shouted by some people she would never learn the name of, but she still tries to find who they are in the sea of people, also shouting the names of the other members, she smiles and she waves like she's supposed to.
They all say their thanks for the people who came out to see them, they hold hands like they do every time they close the show, she grips the hand on her right as tight as she can, afraid that she might get swallowed up by all the people looking at her- expecting something from her, the hand squeezes hers for reassurance that she'd be fine, her mind eases for a minute and they all take a bow. They left the stage one by one, she looks back at the crowd, a few years ago she feels like she never wanted to leave the stage and would rather continue performing for them but right now she could care less about all the people there and she feels guilty at the thought of that, and once she's engulfed in the darkness of the backstage, she lets her smile drop and she felt someone squeeze her hand, she looks down and sees they're still holding hands.
She looks up to see amber eyes looking at her with concern, "Are you okay?"
She swallows, she wants to say yes, but she couldn't bring herself to smile and reassure the blonde next to her and so she just shrugs and pulls her hand out of the the blonde's hold and she looks away, she knows all too well what the blonde would look like with her gesture, "I'm gonna head early to the hotel" she says, hoping that Mari would understand.
"But there's still the after party"
She closes her eyes and turns away, she hates having to do this but she can't be bothered to go anywhere at the moment, "I'm sorry Mari, I'm not feeling well, have fun though" she tries to say it as casual as possible but she knows it ended up cold and stiff, she regrets it, she wishes she could hide her feelings well enough, she wants to apologize but she bites her tongue and when her eyes open again, her amethyst eyes meets blue ones. You's just a few feet ahead from her, smiling sadly at her as if she knows something. Kanan feels a shudder run through her back, she ignores it and gives a tight-lipped smile at the girl and walks away.
She hears Mari calling her name, she could hear her voice pleading for her to stay, to talk, for her to not shut her out this time but Kanan finds it hard to look back, to walk back to her and tell her everything. She's finding it hard again to put down her walls and let the people who care for her to share the burden she's carrying. She should've learned from the mistakes she did years ago- she did, but sometimes you lose your way and you fall back to how you once were.
When she reaches the dressing room, she immediately changes to her casual clothes- shorts and a purple hoodie, she pulls the hood over her head when she walks out. She can hear the other members chattering over the next room, she wants to say goodbye to them at least but she knows she'd be bombarded with questions and pleas to stay, she couldn't handle all of that right now, the thought is enough to suffocate her, and so she walks away again and didn't look back.
There's a car waiting for her outside, she immediately gets in and told the driver to head to the hotel fast and once they exited the premises of the arena she looks outside window and sees a swarm of fans waiting outside the arena, probably hoping to catch a glimpse of them before they go.
She sighs and sits back, glad that she didn't have to deal with that. She loved singing and dancing with her friends, she loved making songs with them, she used to love the thrill that performing live used to bring her, what she never liked was the fame that came along with it. Being admired by a lot of people was amazing and wonderful at first, that she couldn't sometimes believe that there are real actual people rooting for her, wanting her signature on any surface, giving her gifts during her birthday and that even walking or strolling in the mall isn't that possible anymore because of how many people's eyes on her and sometimes coming up to her just for a photo. It's all too much, it's suffocating, it's tiring.
"I just wanna go back to how everything was" she whispers to herself.
They reach the hotel where she and the others are staying for this week, she immediately ran to the elevator once she entered, eager to be alone in her hotel room for a while.
Alone.
She never liked being alone, she always wants somebody around, for someone to pull her out of her thoughts but lately all she's been craving is the silence, the peace, the solitude. She never thought she'd crave it but when everything in your life is hectic, always being touched by strangers for makeup and hair, always being yelled at during practice or behind closed doors after an appearance in public when she makes a mistake, or being told what to do and what to say, she supposes anyone else would miss being alone too.
Her bed looks soft and comfortable but there's something about it that she doesn't like, if she's being honest, the luxury of the different hotels they stay in every weeks just blends all together that she doesn't really appreciate it anymore, for her it's the same old four walls that's meant to keep her out of the public eye for a while, it could never compare to the four walls of her room, where she grew up in Uchiura, she'd rather see it and be cooped up in it everyday rather than in some hotel in some city.
She stopped caring where they end up a long time ago. She never bothered to know where they are for they're bound to leave again anyway. She doesn't let herself get too familiar.
"I was never meant for this kind of life" with a sigh, she sits down on the floor, finding more comfort on the soft carpet than the soft luxurious bed in the middle of the room, she chuckles, "this makes me feel grounded somehow" she grips the carpet, and looks down, her chest suddenly feeling heavy.
She could feel her eyes stinging, she blinks fast, trying to keep the tears at bay, it doesn't work.
Her face suddenly feels hot, not the same kind when she's being teased by Mari or Dia, it's the kind of hot that she wishes she could just explode and so she does. She feels wetness on her cheeks, tears finally streaming down and she doesn't wipe it away like she always does, she just lets it. She grips the carpet tighter, her breathing heavy, her chest feeling hollow now, as if someone took her heart out, she doesn't feel sad, she doesn't feel angry, she doesn't feel anything. She's numb.
She doesn't even know why she's crying.
"Maybe I'm just really tired"
She laughs at the thought, and when she hears the sound of her own laugh, she feels her body still at how empty it sounded.
More tears come pouring out.
"This isn't who I am" she chokes out.
She brings up her knees to her chest and embraces herself, her fingernails digging on the side of her arms, it doesn't hurt that much due to the hoodie she's wearing but she's glad she could still feel something other than the emptiness.
She takes a deep breath to still herself but all it did was have her lips quiver and she could feel another wave of tears flowing down, she wants to stop crying, she wants to stop being so weak.
She rests her head on her knees, as she cries and her body shakes, she wanted to be alone tonight and she got it.
She has never felt more alone in her life than right now in her hotel room somewhere in the city.
-
Her head is throbbing now and her back is aching, when she opened her eyes, she's met with the blinding light of her hotel room, she looks around and saw she fell asleep (or rather passed out) on the floor but it's not the pain of her back that woke her up but rather a vibration on her side. She reaches to her pocket and pulls out her phone. Mari's name is flashing on the screen, she doesn't know if she should pick up or not, for the blonde would definitely by the sound of her voice that she's been crying all night and she doesn't want to add that up on the blonde's lists of worries but she wants to hear her voice, after her breakdown earlier, she wants someone with her right now, maybe she wants Mari to notice, maybe she wants the blonde to barge in her room right now and take care of her like she always does, so Kanan slides her thumb on the screen of her phone.
She opens her mouth to say hello but before she could speak, her ears have been met with a loud blaring sound of some pop music, she hears other people in the background too, laughing and shouting, she's suddenly filled with worry where the blonde could be, "Mari?"
Then there's a loud, high-pitched "Kanan!" that the indigo-haired girl had to pull the phone away from her ear for a moment.
"Where are you? Why is everything so loud? And are you drunk?" Kanan knows there's an after party but she thought it'd be the same old, eating and conversing with the producers and what not.
She hears a "hmmph!" and Kanan knows the blonde is pouting, "Well Mari?"
"Well Kanan, if you went with us then you'd know!" the blonde says as a matter of factly, "Who cares if I'm drunk, you're not here to stop me anyway"
Kanan winces at the tone the blonde used on her, she feels guilty for always missing out on where the group has been going these past few weeks, even more guilty at leaving Mari alone when she knows the blonde would just drink her worries away, "I'm sorry, I wasn't really feeling well", was all she could give but she says it with so much sincerity that she hopes for the blonde to hear it even on her drunken state.
Mari doesn't speak for a moment that Kanan thought the blonde must have passed out or something but the loud music in the background has been replaced with silence, then a quiet "I miss you" was what met Kanan's ear.
Mari sounded broken, defeated and Kanan can't help but blame herself for it, she knows she's going down but she doesn't want to drag the blonde along with her. She lays down on her side and closes her eyes, her lips are quivering as she mutters a soft "I miss you too."
It's quiet again for a while, she hears a hum and Mari just says "I'll see you tomorrow."
Kanan wants to speak up, to say she's going to drive right there, right now and pick up the blonde, she'd take care of her, she'd aid the blonde's hangover the next day, they could hole themselves up in her hotel room until they get yelled at by their manager that it's time for them to go but she did what she does best, she remained silent until all she hears now is a beep.
She throws her phone across the room, her eyes doesn't sting, her chest doesn't feel heavy at what she had done, she feels nothing at all. As if that conversation isn't haunting her mind right now.
"What's happening to me?" she asks to herself, somehow hoping for the answer to just pop and maybe she'd feel okay again.
-
Someone knocked into her room at 9 a.m., a part of her wishes it was the blonde but a part of her also wish it wasn't, she's not ready to face her, she doesn't even know what to say but when she opened the door and was met by the person who'd do her makeup and hair for the day, she can't help but feel disappointed.
Her hair is going to be just the same old ponytail she'd wear always because it's her signature look now, she could do it by herself, she doesn't know why they even hired someone to do it for her, the make up she can get why, for she never really bothered to learn it for herself.
She knows the person is just doing her job but every stroke of the brush on her hair, she feels irritated, she wants to yell and say she can do it herself and doesn't want to be touched anymore by some stranger but she bites her tongue, she's not like that, she can't and shouldn't have an outburst like that.
The entire time she's sitting for her hair to be done, she wishes to disappear, to move somewhere far away and forget everything and just be alone.
She snaps out of her thoughts when she feel her hair being tightened finally to its ponytail, she hears someone tell her to dress up with the clothes they laid on her bed and after a while, she hears her door shut and there's only her and silence.
She stares at herself in the mirror, her hair has gotten a bit longer again, she wants to cut it short but their management wouldn't let her, they say her fans like her hair like that, she runs her finger o at the ends of her hair, and all she thinks about is cutting it, defying their orders this time, to finally take a hold of something in her life again even if it's just hair.
But she couldn't do it somehow.
She notices how her eyes look tired, that even with the makeup, she could see bags under her eyes. Mari always says that she's born to shine and her eyes is the shiniest thing that the blonde has ever seen but she can't see it. All she sees is dull purple ones, it's not filled with light or shine, it's just dull.
Maybe the shine has been extuingished somehow.
She chuckles sadly as she gets up and changes to the outfit they picked out for her.
It's just a casual look, with denim jeans, a white crop top and then a denim jacket, she looks in the mirror once again, it's kind of her style, something she'd wear, except maybe not the top, she never really liked showing off her body, sure she's confident about it but if she has the say in what she wears when they go make a public appearance, she'd rather be in her hoodies or sweaters.
She hears a knock and she knows it's time to go, she sighs and looks at herself in the mirror one last time.
"You'd be fine."
-
She doesn't see the blonde until she gets in the van, Mari's seated in between Dia and Riko at the back, asleep along with the two, Ruby, Hanamaru and Yoshiko are at the middle of the van, asleep too but she sees You coaxing to sit next to her, Chika sleeping besides her by the window.
She hops on and closes the door quietly, careful not to wake the others up.
"Are you alright Kanan-chan?"
Kanan forces a smile, her head hurts at the question, "Yes You, how was the party last night?"
"Well as you can see" blue eyes glances at everyone in the van, "it was wild I guess? Even Dia-chan didn't held back. Wish you were there though and maybe we could've hold all of them off with drinking too much"
Kanan laughs softly, "I think I would have drank my ass off too if I was there." Which isn't a lie.
The van starts moving and Kanan thought that was the end of their conversation but You speaks up again, "You're here, we see each other everyday but I get the feeling that you're not really here and I- we miss you"
Kanan is taken aback with what You said, she grips the arm rest and looks downs, "I hope you're really okay Kanan-chan" and with that You closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep, leaving Kanan alone with her thoughts, her words echoing in her mind.
She admits she's been pulling away lately, that she feels like everyone is moving ahead with the same goal in mind except for her, leaving her behind but she knows they didn't meant to do so, she was the one who can't keep up with their pace. They're all moving ahead, adjusting well with this kind of lifestle while she can't and she doesn't know why.
She looks outside the window, her view nothing but buildings and cars, she misses the mountains, the sea, the slow life of the people in the country side.
"I'm not meant for this, I never was."
They all used to want the same thing, to be successful, to be known, to perform in large arenas and make a lot of people happy but most of all to shine, but she can't see herself doing that anymore, she can't see what they all used to see.
-
They held an interview all throughout the day, she made sure her answers are short and doesn't spark any controversies especially when asked about her love life.
She could feel amber eyes burning holes at the back of her head when got asked that question, good thing their management made them memorize answers whenever they get asked about those kind of things, so she said what she would aways say.
"I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship right now."
She bites her tongue after, she could taste the sour taste of that lie. She wants to tell them that she's been with the loveliest person in the whole world for years now, she wants to talk about how great her girlfriend is, most of all she just wants the whole world to know that her heart has already been taken by a certain eccentric group member.
But she couldn't, her management wouldn't let her, after all, it's a relationship that isn't widely accepted in their society and something that could tarnish not only her reputation but also the other members image, she wouldn't let that happen even if it meant hiding a huge part of her, pretending to be someone she isn't.
It hurts a lot, to hide something like love, to not be able to show off the person she loves but most of all to hide and forget a part of herself that took her so long to accept.
Their management knew, and they made sure that she and Mari aren't always seen together as much as possible, at first she retaliated, saying she couldn't do that but they did sign a contract after all.
Something they should have read before signing their life on it.
She wishes she could go back, to stop herself- all of them from signing that piece of paper, but no matter how much she wish for it everyday it won't happen.
Miracles don't happen after all.
-
She's tired, so tired, once their van reached their hotel, everyone left immediately and headed to their hotel rooms as fast as possible except for the blonde.
They walked side by side silently, neither of them knowing what to say. They reached Kanan's room and Kanan opens her mouth to say goodnight but was cut off with Mari's lips on hers.
She melts into it. She grabs the back of the blonde's neck to pull her closer, her other hand grips Mari's waist tightly, afraid that the girl would leave.
They share a passionate kiss for a while, but Kanan realizes they're in the middle of the hallway and someone might see them and they'd both be in huge trouble, she pulls away first but without Mari biting her lower lip first.
"Kanan" Mari moans when they broke apart. Amber eyes filled with need and Kanan can't help but shudder with the way Mari's looking at her right now.
The indigo-haired girl wants nothing but to take the blonde right there and then and not give a fuck with what other people think and maybe have it as a huge fuck you to their management but she couldn't do that.
She pulls out the key to her room and opens it, once the door shut, Mari pounces on her and wraps her legs around the diver's waist, Kanan grips the blonde's ass and their lips meets once again.
Their kisses are hungry and filled with lust, trying to outdo one another. Kanan pushes Mari up to the wall and breaks out of their kiss as she starts peppering kisses on the blonde's jaw, she then glides her tongue down to the blonde's neck and sucks on Mari's pulse.
Mari bucks her hips when Kanan starts sucking on her neck, god how she loves neck kisses.
Kanan wants to leave marks on the pale skin of her lover's neck but she knows she couldn't, they'd both be in big trouble if she does and they would try to lessen their interaction somehow.
"Kanan?"
Kanan snaps out of her thoughts and realizes she stopped kissing the blonde, she wants to dive right in again, to just forget but Mari pulls away and puts her feet back down on the ground.
Mari takes Kanan's chin and forces her lover to meet her eyes, "Please talk to me."
Kanan shakes, her lips starts quivering, she quickly embraces the blonde to hide the tears threatening to fall, "I"m so sorry" she repeats over and over again.
Mari rubs her lover's back slowly, tracing cirlces with her index finger to get her to calm down, something she learned over the years whenever the indigo-haired girl had too much to bear.
"Shush, it's okay, you'd be okay" Mari says softly and hugs her girlfriend even tighter. "You're okay Kanan. It'd be alright."
Kanan shakes her head against the blonde's head, "No, no, it's not", she pulls away from the embrace and holds the blonde's face with her hands.
"I'm tired Mari, I don't want this life anymore"
Mari's eyes widens with what her lover said, her movements halts, and all she could focus on are the amethyst eyes that once was brighter than the sun, but now looks so broken and tired, pleading for the blonde to understand and Mari does. She's known now for a while, she knows Kanan wants to leave, to leave everything behind but she can't, not when everyone is relying on her, not when she's going to be the reason why the group would end up being broken.
Mari places her hands on top of Kanan's and closes her eyes as she leans on her lover's touch. "I know, I know" she says.
Kanan shakes her head and softly says, "You don't know."
Amber eyes open reflecting so much anger and sadness in them, that Kanan pulls her hands away but the blonde grips it, "Then tell me Kanan! Stop keeping everything to yourself!" Mari shouts, "I thought you learned, I thought we would tell everything to each other, I thought this won't break us apart" tears are now streaming down on the blonde's face and Kanan wants nothing but to wipe them away and hold her close as she tells her how sorry she is for making the blonde cry again.
"It feels like you're not there everytime, it feels like I'm slowly losing you again even though you're fucking right next to me and I don't know how's that even possible, please talk to me, please don't keep me in the dark" Mari pleads.
Kanan squeezes Mari's hand again, "I don't know, I don't know what I'm feeling either but what I do know is that I don't want this life anymore. I'm tired of moving to different places everyday, I'm tired of being asked the same questions everyday, I'm tired of being told what to do every single day, I'm tired of my life only being enclosed to practicing until we pass out and then performing the next day, muttering the same things over and over again, I'm tired of the fame, the lights, the deafening screams, I'm tired of hiding a huge part of my life, I'm tired of hiding you!"
"Kanan" Mari cries.
"I don't feel like myself anymore Mari, I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like they're manufacturing me, like they're making a new person out of me and I can't help but just stand here and watch, I don't like it. I could never get used to this life, I don't think I can, I think I'm going to lose my mind." Kanan stands up and opens the curtain to her room and looks outside, "I miss Uchiura, I miss my family, I miss nature, I miss being out in the sea, I miss being free. We wanted this, I wanted this at some point but I don't want it anymore, it's selfish of me to think about what I want more than of the group. I don't want to let them down, especially not Dia and Chika who wanted this so much", she looks back at the distraught Mari and clutches her chest, "But at this point I can't bring myself to care anymore, I love you, I love all of you but these past few weeks, months even, I feel so hollow, so empty, I don't feel sad, happy or anything, I don't feel the same excitement when I get on stage, I don't feel anything other than the hollowness of my chest for some reason and it's fucking frustrating!" Kanan sinks down to her knees and covers her face with her hands. "You've helped me a lot, you pull me out of my thoughts, you make me feel alive but lately, I'm not able to feel any of that and it's not your fault I swear to god, it's me, there's something wrong with me."
Mari's just frozen at her spot on the bed, she wants to go to Kanan, to hug her, like the diver would everytime she's having a breakdown, but her legs wouldn't work, it's like her mind is disconnected from her body, she tells herself to get up, to go to Kanan but she can't.
She just calls out her name again, not knowing what to say anymore or how to turn around the situation like she always does, she wants to pull Kanan out of the darkness she's in but she knows that she can't, not this time.
"I'm tired Mari, I'm so tired."
-
Kanan steps out of the bus, and looks at her surroundings. She hears the waves crashing to the shore, birds chirping happily, the sun almost rising at the end of the horizon, she breathes in and for once her mouth didn't taste any smoke, only the salt from the sea.
She missed this, she doesn't even know why she wanted to leave in the first place, why she would wish for a life that's so vastly different from what she grew up in.
She shakes her head, "enough dwelling for the day", and so she begins her walk home to the familiar path that she used to walk along with her friends and her.
"Go home Kanan, take a break, everyone will understand, we'd be waiting for you" was all the blonde said before she left. Mari helped her sneak out the same night of her breakdown, the blonde promised to catch up with her, that she'd follow her and so Kanan left first, with nothing but a few cash in her pocket and a cellphone. It was hard to get a ticket or a bus that was travelling to Uchiura late at night but she managed, and for the travelers in the bus, no one knew her, they were elderly people, coming home to the countryside for a break, just like her.
She chuckles at the thought, if Chika was here, the orange-haired girl would tease her endlessly how Kanan is slowly becoming an old woman, maybe she's right thought, maybe she's getting old for all of the stuff the idol industry has to offer her, maybe she just really couldn't keep up with that life anymore.
The familiar sight of her family's diving shop came into view and Kanan can't help the smile on her face, her chest ignites at the thought of seeing her father and grandfather again, being able to wear her wet-suit and be with the sea again, and-
Her thoughts got cut off with her phone vibrating in her pocket, she takes it out and saw that she left her data on but what caught her eyes the most are the numerous notifications from Twitter and messages from the Aqours' Line group chat. She opens the twitter application, she rarely uses it, and only tweets once in a while about her day or to thank the people who came to their liveshow, the Aqours' official twitter posted a notice of her break, of how Aqours' will continue as an eight-piece for now. She feels guilty, she ran away, she only left a letter and Mari's reassurance for the other members, she can't bring herself to look at their messages right now, she's filled with dread at the thought of the others hating her for what she did and so she deactivates her social media accounts. She texts an apology to everyone of Aqours before she shuts off her phone and puts it back in her pocket.
"I'm not running away" she tries to convince herself but she knows it's a lie, she is running away from everything, running away from the people who she has been with for so long, maybe back in High School she wasn't running away and she was doing it for someone else's sake, but right now? She's doing it for herself. She feels selfish and undeserving of everything, she could hear the others saying how this is what she's good at, running away, always running, she chuckles at the thought of how she knew there's a reason why her favorite pastime other than swimming and diving is running.
"Is it bad to be selfish for once even if it means hurting others while you take care of yourself?"
She continues walking and once she's in front of the shop she grew up in, she whispers a silent "I'm home."
-
It's been two months since she left, two months since she's heard from any of them- from her. She doesn't watch the news, she doesn't go on the internet, she's disconnected from anything. She thinks she has gotten better though, no more crying in the middle of the night for no reason, she doesn't feel as empty as she used to be, she actually feels content but not quite happy yet, not when she doesn't know how Mari is, not when she hasn't spoken to any of her friends, and she's still unsure where she stands from them and unsure if she and Mari have broken up during that night she left.
She knows she should be the one to reach out first, but she's afraid, what if they reject her? What if they're angry at her? What if they don't ever want to see her again?
She jumps when she felt a hand on her shoulders, "Kanan" she turns around and saw her grandfather's kind smile, "there's someone out there waiting for you."
She tilts her head to the side, unsure of who could it be for everyone she knows are at Tokyo, living their dreams.
She gets up from the couch and walks towards the door, once she opens it and saw the person standing outside. Kanan's mind goes blank, no more thinking, no more worrying and just runs straight to the blonde with her arms wide open.
She's hit with the familiar scent of lemon and an expensive perfume that only the blonde would ever wear on her, her senses are just suddenly filled with Mari, and just so Mari, "Mari" she whispers as she buries her face to the blonde's hair.
She feels the familiar circles on her back, and hears the blonde call her name, the diver could hear the longing, the pain, and the happiness on the blonde's voice and it sparks something on her, something she hasn't felt in a while.
"I'm home" the blonde says and Kanan laughs with so much mirth for the first time in a while. She could worry about the future later, she would face the consequences later, she's slowly getting better and maybe one day she'd be ready to face all of her fears, all of the things she ran away from, but right now, the person in her arms is the only thing that matters.
"Welcome home" she chuckles.
"This is home"