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Jungkook didn't really know Hoseok the night he was at his birthday party. It was just that Namjoon was close to Hoseok, and Jungkook was close to Namjoon. And now he watched as his friend took his sixth shot of vodka with four of Hoseok's other friends, who seemed to love teasing the hell out of him more and more as the alcohol in their bloodstream increased. Maybe it was because Jungkook was the youngest in the group and -he guessed that was just simply how it worked- people teased kids.
He just smiled at them when one of the guys with his hair parted in the middle said he had buck teeth, didn't really agree with him but he was too shy to say it anyway. And he guessed it wouldn't have mattered if he had said it, because the whole group already erupted into loud laughter and cheers, except for Hoseok, because he wasn't even there. He got up twenty minutes ago and everyone else was having too much fun to notice.
It made him feel weirdly empty, thinking about Hoseok. Namjoon had introduced them earlier tonight, Hoseok and his strong body and his high cheekbones and his bleached blond hair almost long enough to cover his eyes. Jungkook had touched his rough hand and seen something behind his dark eyes that nobody else had. There was melancholy behind them.
And where was he now? Missing his own birthday party.
"I'll be right back." Jungkook whispered to Namjoon, couldn't really tell if he got the message but when Jungkook left, no one said a word or lifted an eyebrow.
He wasn't looking for Hoseok, but there he was for him to find, a cigarette hanging from his lips under the fluorescent lights that made everything glow in pale blue, in front of the men's toilet which reduced the music from the club to only hip-hop beats, pounding in the same rhythm as Jungkook's heart.
"You don't seem like the smoking type." Jungkook heard himself said, getting goosebumps from the way Hoseok turned and gave him the death glare, but then it softened, as if he had just realized who Jungkook was.
"Oh, it's just you." He chuckled, as Jungkook's eyes uncontrollably drifted to his Adam's apple, feeling tingly from the way it moved in his throat. Hoseok reached into his shirt pocket, an eyebrow lifted and asked, "Want one?"
"Thank you, but no." Jungkook declined, resting his weight against the cold, tiled wall just like the older guy, watching him let out a cloud of gray smoke from his thin lips. "You don't seem to enjoy your party very much. Why? It's your party."
He watched as Hoseok breathed in another drag from the cigarette. The older guy wasn't even here, it seemed. He was fading away with that cloud of smoke he had let out, leaving just his body there like a snake shedding its skin.
"I broke up with my girlfriend today." He said eventually, so softly Jungkook almost missed it. But as softly as the words came, they changed everything around them, and Jungkook wasn't even sure words could be that powerful.
"I'm sorry." Jungkook whispered, couldn't tell himself why he was sorry. Maybe he was sorry for Hoseok, maybe he was sorry for bringing it up, maybe it was a little bit of both but Hoseok jut nodded, gave him a ghost of a smile.
He took another drag of the cigarette between his thumb and forefinger, the end of it lit up in red light.
It wasn't supposed to go this far. It was like somebody threw a rock in the water, a rock as small as the question asking if "You wanna get outta here?" and the answer answering "Sure." Ripples after ripples traveled across the once-still surface, and now everything was quaking and nothing was the same.
Jungkook wanted so bad to say he hadn't seen it coming, but he had. The moment his lips touched Hoseok's on the rooftop of his dormitory at midnight, he knew it was coming.
Looking down at the street lamps below, glowing orange and beautiful and shiny just like the stars, they reflected in Hoseok's dark eyes; he knew too, that it was coming.
And there was something in Hoseok's dark eyes -there was always something in his dark eyes, something he wouldn't say- when Jungkook kissed those lips that tasted exactly like Jim Beam he had fished out from his cupboard.
Jungkook looked into his eyes and knew the kiss wasn't enough. Not for tonight.
***
Hoseok never called him again. There wasn't even a text, nor did he accept his friend request on Facebook either. And besides shame that prevented Jungkook from seeing someone else, he felt numb. He had been so sure that that night was too special to be just a one night stand, but judging by the way Hoseok pretended they were complete strangers, he guessed he was just being naïve. He couldn't even look at himself in the mirror without this mix of humiliation and pity strangling him.
He saw Hoseok again two weeks later, at Starbucks right by his old high school. Hoseok was sitting by the window with one of his friends from that night -Jimin or Yoongi, he couldn't remember- His paper cup read Hope in black marker and he wore this smile, so big, so carefree Jungkook couldn't believe his eyes. His heart clutched, as violently as his fingers involuntarily did around his tall cup of latte. It hurt more than he had ever imagined, seeing Hoseok being so effortless without him like that.
Jungkook had really thought that night was special.
He wasn't going to say hi, or make his presence known, but Hoseok, as if knowing -sensing he was there, looked up.
And everything died. The grin on his face, the sparks in his eyes, they all died, falling down like birds in poisonous air. Angry, anxious, or whatever, Hoseok wasn't pleased seeing him there.
But then his eyes went back to where they had been, fixating on his friend. The same smile was plastered across his lips, only this time Jungkook knew it was forged. Jungkook knew his heart was beating as fast as his. There couldn’t be any way else.
***
That night, at nine forty, Jungkook got a call from him.
"Look, I was drunk that night. Don't tell anyone about us. I'm back together with her."
That was what he said, right from the start, his voice cold in a way Jungkook never knew he was capable of. Hoseok, the guy with body heat warm as a bonfire in a cold night and lips that tastes like whiskey telling Jungkook things he had never told anyone, his eyes glowing yellow.
Sometimes Jungkook just hated himself for being so naïve.
"I understand. We hooked up one time, it doesn't mean anything."
It killed him to say so, but he was still breathing, listening to Hoseok doing the same from wherever he was. Jungkook should have just hung up, but he didn't, nor did Hoseok.
But then after a long while, Hoseok said, "I'm in town tonight. Can I see you?"
***
"Why are you looking like that?" Hoseok asked, naked, limbs intertwined with Jungkook's, his toned arm across the boy's bare torso.
It was dark, with the only source of light coming through the crack in the curtains. Hoseok's back was turned to it and Jungkook couldn't see his face, couldn't read what was on his mind.
"Like what?"
"Like you fell in love."
Jungkook's breath caught in his throat. That is the reason, he wanted to say, but knew he couldn't. As long as he wanted the older guy around, he knew he couldn't. He might as well say goodbye the minute he told him he loved him.
Hoseok was back for the fifteenth time in the last three months. His Facebook status said he was in a relationship with his girl, a woman with brown hair and a kind smile, but with Jungkook, they weren't even friends on there and as far as everyone knew, Hoseok's birthday party was the last and the only time they met. For all they knew, Jungkook might have forgotten all about Hoseok.
It was killing him, knowing that he was a liar, a terrible, terrible person who was willing to hurt an innocent woman. They made love all about flowers and hearts and nobility, no one had ever told him love could be this ugly secret behind everyone’s back. And the worst of it was that it was just as strongly as the poets had said, it burned just as bright that for a minute Jungkook could just close his eyes and believe what they were doing was right.
He could find better than Hoseok, couldn’t he? But maybe he didn’t want better, he wanted Hoseok. And maybe Hoseok didn’t want her, he wanted him.
So Jungkook laughed the driest laugh he had ever conjured up. "Don't be crazy. The sex isn't even that great."
Hoseok slapped him on the stomach, grinning and straddling Jungkook, his hands on both sides of the boy's head, holding the mattress down with his weight. "So you're cheeky now, huh?"
And Hoseok was so beautiful, a marble sculpture, an oil painting, a piece of art, with his soft blond hair covering his face and thin layers of sweat sticking to his forehead and neck. Jungkook wondered how many times he had to fall for Hoseok for everything to stop.