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All the way back in February she knew she was going on tour with the boys again. And she was happy about it for so many reasons, but mostly because of the one where it's easier for Joe to act like he's her boyfriend when they're actually in the same place together. He's not, obviously, her boyfriend. Not really.
He's just a boy who makes her happy and calls her when she tweets sad lyrics and who she does everything but have actual full on sex with behind closed doors. But she can't hold his hand when they go shopping. She can't talk about him in interviews as anyone other than a co-star and a friend who's sort of almost her brother. And she can't kiss him when she just feels like it.
Those are the rules, and she doesn't know which of them really decided them, but that's the way it's always been.
And there are times Demi wants more. When she's had a bad day, or a really good one, or whenever Joe looks at her face at the end of a duet, and she wants to kiss him so hard, she doesn't care at all if it's up on the Jumbrotron for everyone to see.
But she doesn't want to share Joe with the press and her fans and the whole world any more than she already has to. So sometimes they lie. And redirect or avoid or are seen with other people, because that's what it takes. To give her those moments at his apartment, or in a car with tinted windows or on the back balcony of a hotel room. To make sure that he can remain this fixed thing in her life.
It's been what feels like forever, but she still thinks about how that person used to be Selena. When she hears a certain song on her iPod, or Joe doesn't understand something the way she would have. Not often, just sometimes. But she starts doing it more once Nick lets her know that Selena will be at a few of the dates this summer. And she admits that sometimes she wonders what it would be like to be close again. To have one more person she can count on.
It feels selfish to think, wrong even, but she wants to know if she's ever going to get to have everything. Her career and her boyfriend and family and friends, and for all of them to just be good. To not have to always feel like there's just that one piece of the puzzle missing that she needs to feel complete. Accomplished and content.
She guesses 85 percent isn't too bad though. Things could be a lot worse. That's at least a B average in happiness.
****
And while she's trying to figure out if she'll still have time to get her nails done with Danielle before soundcheck at the rate this is going, she can hear Nick saying, "Crap," under his breath, which is honestly the worst thing he'll even let himself say.
"What?" Joe asks, sitting up with just a little bit of juice on his chin.
Demi's not stupid, and notices Nick glancing at her before he says, "Nothing," going back to scrolling through things on his phone.
"No, seriously, Nick, what's going on," she says, and you think that he would know by now that she doesn't like being out of the loop. "Tell me."
And this time he glances at Joe, who kind of shrugs, and she doesn't like that even more. "It's about Selena."
Demi doesn't know why everyone thinks that just because her and Selena aren't BFFs anymore that she can't even hear her name spoken. It's not like she hates Selena or can pretend they don't know all the same people and go all the same places. "And?"
"She was holding hands with David at LAX," and when Nick says it, it's like there's a whole mixture of anger and disappointment and resignation happening in his voice.
"I thought she talked to you about that," Kevin says, apparently done with the phone call he was taking, and Demi's head is spinning just a little.
It's weird to not know these things. To be left out of Selena's decisions and her reasons behind them, and God, Sel's only been talking about David since they first read together during the audition process and now she's holding hands with him out in public and Demi's finding out about it second hand through some sort of blog source? She knows how they ended up here, and yet she can't even understand it.
"We decided we weren't exclusive, I didn't know that meant so she could hold hands with her brother in public," Nick's responding and Joe's telling him that actually sounds pretty tame and ridiculous, and all Demi knows is that she needs a minute.
"I'm going to the bathroom, in case Kurt's finally ready," she says, getting up from her chair, and smiling when Joe asks, "Hey, you alright?" Nick can't stop apologizing and telling her he didn't want to tell her. That's not really the point though, so she tells them, "It's okay, no, really, I'm fine."
In the bathroom, she takes her phone out and keeps Selena's name highlighted for a really long time. Until she's done crying. And then until she's sure it's not going to start up again. The guys do the interview without her.
They have to leave right after the show for Minneapolis, and Demi wishes that she could have spent the night instead sharing a bed with Joe. That she'd have the balls to call her oldest friend. But mostly, that everything in her life didn't have to be so complicated.
****
So Demi's not surprised at all the night before at dinner to get a text saying, "should i come? ill bring breakfast regardless".
"come. you want to. it's the climb etc." she texts back, but then Miley's calling her for real and she can't help laughing. "What?" she answers, knowing Miley's concerned she won't be able to get her tone across with her keyboard.
"I can't believe I offer to bring you breakfast, and you text my lyrics back to me!"
Demi tells her, "It was a low blow, I'm sorry," still giggling just a little
"Good, you should be." Demi can hear one of the dogs barking in the background and Miley moving the phone away from her mouth to say, "Hush, you're fine."
"What's going on over there?"
"Mate's getting freaked out by the ice machine, don't worry about it."
"Seriously, Miles, come! I miss you, and the show's really amazing, and we don't even have to see Nick. We can go out and do something alone, you and me, I don't care what."
"But, what if I want to see Nick?"
"You're impossible, I'm hanging up."
"I'll bring the orange juice!" Miley yells from the other side of the line, and Demi's laughing again.
****
Demi's used to listening to Miley talk about Nick. The way he likes to touch her neck and somehow always tastes like Diet Coke, even when he first wakes up, and this little sound all the way in the back of his throat whenever she traces her fingers along his spine. You're not someone's friend if after they've dated a guy on and off since practically puberty you don't know these things. Know that she much prefers kissing that boy when he's hers, and not just anyone's. Which is why Demi has to ask, discretely as she can think to do it without completely extinguishing Miley's flushed appearance, "So, you don't care that he's kind of seeing Selena?"
Pulling her hair back, and using some of Demi's eye-makeup remover, she says while still looking in the mirror, "I don't know, I mean, kissing Nick, it feels safe. Always. Even with all this other crap going on." She tosses her cotton ball into the garbage and turns to where Demi's sitting crosslegged on an ottoman. "Like when you finally get back from tour, and slip into bed, and your sheets are familiar to you. Like that. But I still want to go other places..."
"Sleep in other beds?" Demi teases, and Miley sighs at her playfully. Calls her a bitch.
"You know what I mean though, right?" And Demi does, because that's what kissing Joe feels like. Like coming back to something that she always feels she's been away from for too long. But Demi hasn't had any Justins or Liams or anyone else that makes her feel that way. That made her feel like she fit.
"But, ugh, whatever, Dem. He can only break my heart if I let him."
And Demi's going to say that's already happened twice. That he's the record holder when it comes to making Miley fall apart. But instead she asks what Miley's going to do about that hickey she has above her collarbone, and Miley throws a pillow at her.
In the morning, Demi has to get on the road to Memphis, but first, Miley hugs her goodbye and tells her she loves her and thanks for all of it. She knows which bits especially.
****
Demi can't help but think about the first day they started working on it, and how Selena had called him right in the middle of trying to finalize what to do with the chorus, and just out of nowhere, she started crying. Like full on crying in a way she knows Nick's seen her do before, but that doesn't make it any less embarrassing.
He told Selena he'd have to call her back, and then asked her what was wrong. And Demi had no idea how to put into words what it's like to see your ex-best-friend dating her ex-boyfriend. The guy who Selena used to say she had no idea how Demi could still be friends with. How suddenly they're the ones that are back together and Selena hasn't done so much as text her in months. And because she didn't know what to say, she tried to take deep breaths and kept playing the chorus over and over again, and finally Nick stopped staring at her and picked up his own guitar.
They finished the song, and it turned out to be about some of the things she'd been in at the time, and some of the places she hoped to be, and Nick's the one who pulled that out of her. Put that jumbled mess inside of her to a melody.
She's still not really okay with him seeing Selena. Kissing Miley. Still being her friend. But, she knows he had hugged her extra tight before he left that day in February. And how this is a good song that she wants to play tonight.
Before she goes out on stage, he squeezes her hand and tells her, "This is going to be great, I'm really talented," and it helps her laugh. Shake off some of the nerves that she's going to forget the words or the chord progressions. Then Joe's kissing her temple and saying, "You're really talented," and before she can process it, say thank you, do anything, the riser's going up and she's out there on stage.
The audience screams during the opening notes, so deafening that she almost loses her place. But then she starts singing, and they start singing too, and she's okay.
When she gets off the stage though, she feels shaky and this kind of heady rush she hasn't experienced in a really long time. It's still coursing through her when she goes up during the boys' set, and then Joe puts his hand on the small of her back, mouthing, "You good?" as they get in position. The feeling swells even more, as though that was somehow possible. She smiles back, starts belting out the words. He doesn't move his hand.
The blogs are going to have a field day with all of this, but it's kind of too late to do anything now.
She tweets later that night, in an attempt to maybe smooth things out, "Great time with the boys tonight. LUV MY FRIENDS!" and Nick's the one who responds, "@ddlovato We luv you back :)"
****
He's lying between her legs, and she has no idea how it can be comfortable for his head to be resting on her pelvis like it is, but he apparently doesn't mind because he's been there for awhile. He keeps playing with the drawstring on her sweats, and she mimics the motions in his hair. "Are you mad?" he asks her, quiet. A little guilty. And it makes her feel bad.
"Not mad. Just...anxious, I guess?"
"Sad," he follows, this time as a statement and not a question. His hand snaking around to squeeze her hip, and she can feel his curls on the gap left between her shirt and the waistband.
"Yeah, sad."
Since Nick had told her Selena was going to be appearing as a special guest at some of the shows, Demi was forced into remembering all the times they had talked about performing on stage with one another. The outfits they designed, and the list of covers that oh my God, can you imagine playing that, it would be INCREDIBLE, knowing the whole time that this was a little different than when every kid dreams of doing things like this. Because the odds seemed good even then that it would one day be reality.
Of course, they kind of thought they'd be in a van, and hitting little, shitty venues and building a name for themselves first. And for a long time. Sharing motel room beds to save money and practicing acts in parking lots and waiting, just waiting there, together, for things to get big.
But things just happened. They had TV roles, and album contracts and little girls asking them for their autographs. And then they had different friends and different ideas and lots of silence too.
She knows just because her and Sel said they'd still be friends when they were little old ladies, that doesn't mean it has to be true. That you're allowed to change your mind about things from the time you're in elementary school. But there's still a piece of her that feels like they shouldn't have given up on it, this whole life of being one another's maid of honor, and child's godmother and bridge partner.
"You're going to be great tomorrow," he says, and she doesn't know if he means her alone, or the two of them together. That this is the first time they could be a together in a really long time. She's thinking about that and staring at the ceiling, when she feels him lift his head, and tug a little at her wrist. "Hey, really, you're going to be."
Then he's hovering in front of her face, looking concerned, and his glasses slipping down his nose. "You don't believe me?"
He's got such a cute crease in his face from the frames.
"I believe you," she tells him, pulling him in by the back of his neck. She repeats it right before their lips touch, and then he's kissing her, mouth open and warm.
She's able to stop thinking about Selena.
For a little while.
****
The whole day's she's jittery, and when Nick comes into her dressing room, holding Selena's hand, there's actually a moment that she thinks she could throw up. It's exactly the same way she used to feel walking into school in the morning. But she tries to smile, because her mother, and actually Selena too for that matter, told her to never let them see her sweat.
"Hey," she says, waving, and making it look like it's really important that she keep tuning her guitar. "Long time no see," comes out of her mouth and she instantly regrets it. Like she's trying to rub it in, or that she's been thinking about it, or any number of horrible connotations are all wrapped up in those four words.
"Back at ya," Selena follows, still holding Nick's hand, and making no move to step closer. Demi can remember hugging her, seriously, after one of them would get back from the bathroom, and now it's been months and this is happening? She still feels sick inside.
"What you going to play tonight?" Demi asks, desperate to keep discussion going, fill this space between them with something other than awkwardness, and she listens as Selena lists off some track titles. She's racking her brain for something to say after that, but Nick thankfully tells Selena he should show her the stage after that. Selena says, "Good luck tonight," first, and Demi wonders if it means something or if it was just something to say like all the rest of it.
****
When they're on the road, Demi writes some sad lyrics down in between texting Joe and asking him to tell her she's not a bad person.
He sends back, "know i love you" all on his own.
****
But Demi knows Nick's bummed about it, and while it's not a softball game, she's able to book a bowling alley for them after the show in Milwaukee. If anyone suggests it's because she's better at bowling than playing the outfield, she's going to deny it, vehemently, but, that may have played a part, yes. She'll be denying that she fixed the drawing so Joe wound up on her team as well.
Not that anyone would really be thinking you'd choose Joe the way he's bowling tonight. He seems mostly concerned with using a different colored ball each frame, regardless of weight, and keeps threatening to steal the bowling shoes, he can't believe he doesn't already have his own pair.
She doesn't care though, and Nick's all smiling and enjoying the lead with Jack and Kevin, so it's good. It's all good.
"Dem, help me find a green one!" he's calling at her from three lanes down. "I'll give you a hand with your form if you do."
It's only thinking about him leaning over, guiding her arm and pressing himself into her, where people could actually see, that gets her out of her chair. "Do you know there's actually a green ball in this place?"
"Only one way to find out."
"Also, who says I need help with my form?" she asks when she reaches up to where he's bending down and scouring through a lower shelf.
"We're in last place right now, and that is not my fault."
She checks him with her hip. "I can't even tell you how wrong you are right now."
"If you say so," he says, still not looking up from the rack, but putting a hand around to the back of her thigh, stroking there. "Who wears a skirt to bowl anyway?"
There's a moment where she can't even breathe, thinking about the other times his hands have been there, where they usually go after. "Hmmm?" she manages to get out, and it's better than the sigh she was expecting.
"Your skirt, who wears a skirt to a bowling alley?" His thumb moving slowly up and down. Her breath coming a little faster.
"Yo, Jonas, you find a ball yet? Come on!" Garbo yells, and she's expecting his hand to jump away, like he was getting burned. But he gives her thigh a little squeeze, and then looks up to wink at her.
"I'm going with pink, saving green for the last frame!" When he stands up, she can still feel where his fingers were.
"Whatever, just roll your gutter balls so the rest of us can get on with our lives."
"I'm getting a strike, just you watch, Garbowsky!" He picks this little pink ball that she's sure is for preschoolers, and says to her, "Come on, don't you want to watch?"
"You're going to pay for that later."
"Can't wait," he smirks and starts running back to their lane, sliding to a stop into the ball dispenser.
He doesn't get the strike, but he's still smiling when he sits down. Demi feels like she's never going to stop blushing.
****
She'd left the door propped open with that little bar when Joe called her earlier and said he'd might stop by after his interview session. And then she'd mostly forgotten about it in trying to sort out what clothes she wanted sent down to the laundry, and watching Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime. Until Joe was flying past her, sailing on to her bed, and knocking over a majority of the clothes she'd decided probably didn't need to be cleaned just yet. He rolls onto his back and cants his hips a little bit towards her like some kind of horrible low budget porn star. "Do you know where we are right now, Lovato?"
And she does, obviously, because the first time Joe went down on her they were in St. Louis. The bridge lit up in the background through the windows of The Four Seasons. But she says, "You might have to remind me."
"I don't know whether to be insulted or insult you for being fresh."
Putting a hand on her hip, she says, "Maybe you should just kiss me."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you, Demetria?"
She loves his little half smile, and how he raises his eyebrow, and the way it's going to feel when he finally does tease her lower lip down with his tongue. It's going to be incredible. So she walks over to him, and pulls her ponytail out of its elastic. Straddles his lap. "I would," she practically whispers, leaning down, so her hair is like a curtain around them. "You locked the door?"
"You know I did," and she can hear that his breathing's already picked up. He places his hands on her hips, and tucks his thumbs into the waistband of her jeans. "If we do this tonight, do you promise to repay the favor when we get to Atlanta?"
"Why'd have to ruin my surprise?" she asks, smiling. Feeling good. She leans down and kisses him and this is the best sometimes, just kissing him. Until anything else happens. Like his hands moving up under her shirt, and stroking along her back. The way it makes her relaxed and excited at the same time. His fingers splay out along her ribcage, and Demi feels that distracting pull start low in her stomach.
His mouth at her jaw, he says, "I've been thinking about doing this all day, barely got through dinner," and his breath is warm and smells vaguely like cinnamon. She starts to shiver when he sucks at the junction of her neck and shoulder, slips his hand up her bra. "You're thinking about it too, aren't you?"
Demi flushes hot and realizes she was, of course she was. The first time this happened, he kept saying, "We don't have to, you sure?" like he was concerned she wasn't. And maybe he was right, because all she can remember was that she wasn't able to stop shaking. Thinking this is something big, something is changing here tonight, in this room and with him and what is she going to do if it's for the worse.
She shouldn't have worried.
He moves to flip her over, knocking the rest of the clothing piles to the floor, and she doesn't even care about that. Joe's throwing her shirt into the mess and, unbuttoning her jeans, and Demi tries to say something other than his name, and yes, and missed this. Missed you.
When his tongue is on her, she clutches at the comforter and one of his shoulder blades and tries to stay here in this moment as long as she can. Focus on the way the lights of the bridge had seemed to be the brightest things she'd ever seen.
****
But maybe that's because Joe's been fighting off a head cold for days now, spending all of his time they're not obligated to be somewhere holed up in bed.
She's been alone a lot recently now that she's thinking about it. Danielle's taking some time to visit her friend who's having a baby, and Miley started filming in London, and Tiffany's really into planning her wedding at the moment. So maybe Demi's lonely and texts Selena a few days before the show. Just asking her what's going on.
And she doesn't know if Selena's lonely too, or apologetic, or just responding, but she tells her she's excited for the show. Was planning on grabbing dinner after if Demi wants.
Demi doesn't say yes or no, just that she'll think about it, and thanks for the offer.
But then the night after the show, Joe's still running a fever, his cheeks all bright pink and eyes glassy when he comes to the door of his hotel room. "Go," he tells her. "Otherwise you're going to keep me up and get sick in the process."
"But you look so cute in your pajamas."
And he does, leaning there on the door frame with these gigantic furry socks on that she's positive must have come in some sort of swag bag at an awards show. His hair's a mess and he's wearing these bottoms with snowflakes on them. "Yeah, wait until I put on the Vicks," he says, coughing a little into the crook of his elbow. "Have fun," he says like it's an order. "And don't worry about Nick, I'll talk to him."
"How'd you know that's what I was going to say next?"
"Because I know you." He squeezes her forearm. "They're waiting."
She kisses his too hot forehead. "Thank you. And feel better."
"Doing my best."
All she wants to do is just climb into bed with him and watch TV until they both fall asleep, but he pushes her shoulder a little, and goes to close the door, and she knows she can't. That she'll regret it if she doesn't at least try to do something else. So she takes the elevator down, and David's waiting there in the lobby with his arm around Selena's waist. She can already see the wall of flashbulbs waiting out front, and it's as good a reason as any to put on her smile.
****
She was expecting to spend most of the time talking with Selena, why, she has no idea, except that's how this scenario played out in her head. But between taking pictures with fans, and the way that David keeps stealing Sel's fries every time she's not eating one herself, so that she has to playfully shove him and try to get them back, Demi mostly winds up talking to Ethan or Joey, whichever one is the guitarist.
"When'd you start playing?" she asks him, stirring the straw in her soda, and trying to nod at the appropriate intervals. Look interested when he tells her the number of hours he had to practice to fully build up his calluses. When her phone rings about an hour in, because Selena's really busy doodling a picture on David's napkin, Demi takes it out of her bag. It's Joe. "Hey. You okay?" she asks, tapping Jethan on the shoulder and trying to get out of the booth.
"Yeah, I was just calling to say goodnight, and if you wanted to leave, I figured you could tell everyone I need tissues or something."
She's standing over by the bathrooms now, but still tries to make it vague what's she talking about. "What made you think I might want to do that?"
He asks her, "Are you having fun?" like he's her mom or something, and no, she's not really, but "I want to be?" is what she says.
"I know you do."
And while she wants to be friends with Selena again, more than she wants anything else at the moment, she doesn't want to be here any more. "How about I bring you some ice cream? For being so good to me?"
"I wouldn't turn down chocolate."
"I'll see what I can do."
Back at the table, she tells Selena thank you, but they've got to get on the road early the next day. That they should talk some more between now and Dallas.
David hugs her goodbye first, and then Selena gets out of the booth and hugs her too, and Demi wishes it didn't make her instantly want to cry. "I'll call you," Selena says into her shoulder, and Demi so badly wants to believe it. To be at the point where they can just say, "Can you seriously believe how ridiculous that whole thing was?" But she knows they're nowhere near that yet. She's not even sure they're closer.
A cab takes her back to the hotel, with a pit stop for Phish Food at a Circle K. The whole trip: in the car, and walking through the lobby, and waiting for the elevator to finally reach that lit up number of the top floor, she's feeling like this is the part of the day she's always looking forward to. The part where it's done, and she can just stop. For a second. All of it: the analyzing and perfection striving and agonizing. And maybe if she's lucky, curl up in a hotel bed with the boy who understands. Let him feed her ice cream with his fingers.
Joe's left a shoe of his keeping the door from closing, but when she walks in, the room is dark except for the TV that she can't even hear. He's completely passed out and snoring, and she can't help but push the hair off his forehead, stroke his cheek. He coughs and blinks up at her. "I'm sorry, I tried to stay awake."
"That's alright. I'm more worried that anyone could have just walked in here."
"Lucky it was you," he says, picking up the blanket, asking her to climb inside. She should go to her own room. Shower and put on clothes to sleep in. At least put this ice cream somewhere. But she slips her heels off. Drops her cell and her purse and the plastic bag so she can lay down in the sheets. She puts herself in what she calls the nook, the spot on his chest that it doesn't hurt to lay on, that makes his arm fit perfectly around her. "So, how was it?" Joe asks, finger combing out her curls while she plays a piano solo on his ribcage.
"In the morning," she says. Snuggles in deeper.
"Ok, in the morning," he responds, mostly in a yawn.
At 6 am there's a wake up call, lipstick on his pillowcase and a tickle in her throat. Ice cream on the carpet. They don't find the time to talk about it.
****
He asks her to listen to this new song he's been working on, while they're sitting alone in his dressing room and eating lunch. She thinks Joe's on the phone with a director, and no one tries to keep track of Kevin and Danielle any more. And the way he asks, it's different than how he usually does. Like the point of the song is seriously about listening and not critiquing. So she puts down her plate and wipes her hands, and prepares to do that.
The song is sad, and all about not knowing where you stand. About trying to learn and understand and grow. To take it all and become the person she wants you to be. But more about how much you wish you didn't have to do anything and could be that person already.
She'd be lying if she said she didn't feel a burning behind her eyes while she was listening to it.
"I miss her too," Demi says, when it's over and he asks her what she thinks.
He laughs, and it's this bitter sounding thing. "It's not about missing her." Then he stops meeting Demi's eyes, like he just can't anymore. "Can you believe she told me and David that this was the way it was going to be? Take it or leave it?"
"Yes," because Selena doesn't want people to get close, not any more. Not after she started realizing how much they could hurt her.
When Nick looks back at her, there's this resignation about him that breaks her heart maybe even more than the song. "Can you believe I said okay?"
Demi thinks about the dinner. And tells him yes, she really can.
****
"It's okay, as long as you promise you're thinking of me all the time," Demi says with a grin, already feeling more relaxed than she has in awhile hearing Miley's voice. She excuses herself from the breakfast table for the hallway, flopping into one of the big, puffy chairs she doesn't think she's ever found the time to sit in before.
"Please, like I have a choice! Every radio station I hit wants to know when you're coming back, Miss Lovato."
"Aw, are you feeling jealous?"
"No. I just wish you could come and visit."
Demi can't think of anything nicer to do in the summer than hang around in London with Miley. Shopping at Harrod's alone would make her life. "I'm going to try, Miles, promise. After the Staples Center, I'll do my best."
"I know you want to be here, don't worry. You're still my Dragon." Demi knows she's been on tour too long and that this whole thing with Selena is really wearing on her because just hearing it makes her want to start to cry. But Miley keeps going, changing the subject, like she somehow knows. "How's Joe?"
Demi clears her throat before saying, "He's good. The shows are going well, and he might be able to guest on Gossip Girl in the fall. He's in talks with the producers."
"Well that's awesome!"
Because Miley's being so sweet, Demi keeps talking, telling her the answer to the question she usually means when she asks how Joe is. "Yeah, and Nick played me a new song that's pretty incredible. You should ask him about it."
"Do you think this is a week he's speaking to me and not to Selena?" Miley says it like it's a joke, but Demi can tell she gets how messed up that whole situation really is. "Ugh, they're telling me I need to prepare for interviews tomorrow. I've got to go, but I'll call again. I promise."
"I miss you, Nighthawk."
"Miss you too, Dem. Say hi for me. And tell Joe break a leg."
Back at the table, Joe leans over to ask, "Everything okay?"
"Yeah, Miley just wanted to wish you a broken leg with the Gossip Girl role. I wouldn't recommend actually trying to do that though."
"So no jumping off the amps tonight?"
"Probably not a good idea, no."
"Oh, come on. Kevin, a back flip off the amps, awesome, right?"
Kevin's rolling his eyes, and Demi's laughing, and she realizes that somehow, even thousands of miles away, Miley still makes her day better.
****
"You don't have to do this, you know," Joe tells her, when she mentions that she was approached about the idea by Selena's people.
"I know."
"Do you even want to?"
And she has to tell him to leave it alone, because his best friend's his brother who's always going to love him.
The song goes great in rehearsal, and her and Selena are even reminiscing in between them setting up lighting cues and changing volume settings. Talking about the video shoot and girl power and how they would spend a whole day on set and still call one another when they got home. And all that stuff that's in the past, where she guesses the versions of her and Selena who are still friends live, that's the stuff that's easy. That makes her relax and smile and feel like this is her person, right here. Selena's her person.
But then the sound tech is telling them things are all set for tonight, and Selena's just a girl she grew up with. One she couldn't hang on to.
Dallas loses their minds when the two of them come out on stage together, and there's a quick second where she can somehow hear Selena's laughter in her ear through it all. When she looks at her, it's like seeing a dream she carried around in her head since she was a slightly pudgy 10 year old with glasses fully realized. She has to reach out and squeeze Selena's hand, has to, to ground herself to that this is actually happening. The way Selena grips down, it makes her feel safe.
They're supposed to link arms at the end, like the close of the video, but Demi throws her arms around Selena and hugs her tight because she needs to. Because Selena can't shove her off with this many people watching.
After, Selena asks her if they can talk, and it's the first night on this tour that she doesn't watch the guys' set. She has to do this, just like she had to do the song, and just like she's sure she's going to have to feel okay about it in the long run, regardless of what happens.
On the bus, she gives Selena a pair of pajamas, and pops some popcorn even if the smell lingers for days. "I would have bought pickles if I knew you were going to be here," Demi tells her, smiling, and still feeling the giddiness from the performance.
"If we could open the windows, I guarantee at least one fan would toss some in."
She's not honestly that shocked the more she thinks about it, but it's still pretty absurd. "Does that honestly happen to you?"
"More than I'm comfortable with," Selena says with a laugh.
They eat the popcorn, and Demi puts on The Devil Wears Prada, because Joe just spends the whole movie asking when Satan is going to show up and throw pitchforks at a fashion show already, so she hasn't seen it for forever. And they talk. Like really talk, the way they used to. Topics jumping around, and circling back on themselves, and Demi's so happy she said she'd perform the song. Even if after tonight, she and Selena go back to the way things were before, it was worth it.
It gets later, and they wind up getting almost identical texts from Joe and Nick, telling them to enjoy their sleepover. Joe's is the one that asks for any pictures if there happens to be a pillow fight. And after that, Demi asks the question that has been bugging her for months. "What's it like to be sort of dating Nick again? I mean, I know his side of it, but what's that like for you?"
"It's fun this time actually! And it's weird, but sometimes I feel like we've never even dated before. Because it's just this totally different thing than the last time. And, he's Nick. How could you not love Nick?"
"And David?" Demi says it like she's just asking, not judging. Because she's really not. If they all know about it and are letting it go on, that's their business. Even if they're crazy.
Selena smiles just a little. "How could you not love David?" She sighs, and takes a sip of her drink. More quietly follows with, "I wish I knew which of them I loved more. What to do, about anything." Demi can tell she's upset, reads it all over her face, and that wasn't the point. To make Selena feel that way. Selena laughs one of those sad, watery laughs and wipes at her left eye. "How difficult my life is, two boys in love with me. God, no wonder people online call me a bitch."
"You're not a bitch. You're young," Demi tells her, because it's the same thing Dallas is always telling her.
She places a hand on her knee, Selena's eyes fixating on it like she has to. "No younger than you are."
"They call me a bitch too. And I've got nothing figured out." She thinks about Selena, and Joe and her whole life at the moment. "Absolutely nothing."
"I needed you," Selena says, looking at her face. Demi wants to say it back, because she did, she really honestly did, but she can't for so many different reasons. So she just presses her lips up to Selena's and hopes that comes across as, "Me too. Of course me too."
It's a little kiss, the type they used to give one another all the time, and she can feel Selena crying where she touches her cheeks. Her own tears sliding down her chin.
They sit for a really long time after, leaning on one another, not saying anything else. There's a lot of things Demi wants to ask, things she wants to explain and apologize for and laugh about, but she's afraid this is a delicate thing she could crush at any minute.
When the driver tells her it's time to get a move on for the night, Demi offers for Selena to come back with her. "Spend the night. I'd like you to."
"I can't." Selena says, and Demi already feels it slipping away. Like tonight didn't even happen. "But, I want to. If that counts."
Demi's not sure it does, but she says, "Another time. I'm holding you to it."
"I'll call this time, really."
"If you need to," Demi specifies, hugging her and remembering the scent of Selena's shampoo. The way she smells underneath that.
That night, when she can't sleep, Demi posts to her Twitter the name of the song she currently has on repeat one. Selena's message an hour later is "I knew you'd feel the same things RT @ddlovato Still Fighting It- Ben Folds". Demi reads it at least 6 times while she's lying in bed. Stars it as a favorite but still can't close her eyes.
****
"Yeah?" he says, the music stopping abruptly. "Like, kissed how?"
"Don't be gross, not like that. Like...just a kiss."
He lays the guitar down on the bench next to him and says, "Well, why'd you do that?"
"I don't know," even though she does. It's because she was sorry, and she still is, but she doesn't know how to say it out loud. She's sorry that she and Selena stopped being friends. That she was occasionally a bitch about her to the press. That she let Nick say things that Demi knew weren't true. But she's not sorry that she made other friends. That she was able to be herself with people other than Selena. And she didn't want Selena to think the apology meant those things too. Meant that she was going to accept all the blame, when Selena needed to do some of that too.
"You know I heart you, right? Like with the aorta and venticles and all of it," Joe informs her and sometimes he's just so cute it makes her want to die.
"Those are ventricles," she says, grinning.
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be homeschooled too?" He leans in closer, and she can smell his toothpaste.
"The Decemberists made sure I was educated."
"I'll have to thank them for making you so smart." Joe pushes her hair back behind her ear. "You want to go lay down?"
"Yeah," she breathes out, closing her eyes.
He puts Castaways and Cutouts on, and they lay down together, him warm behind her, the big spoon. Halfway through "Here I Dreamt I Was an Architect", his hand idle on her stomach, she tells him, "I'm afraid to let her in again."
"I know." He's so calm when he says it, whenever she needs him to be actually, that she has no idea how people can think Joe's just a goofball.
"If I don't, and she hates me, does that make me wrong?"
"No."
This is when her voice starts to break, even though she's trying to keep it from doing that. "And if I do, and one of us gets hurt again, am I stupid? Like I can't learn from my mistakes?"
"Look at me," he requests, pulling on her hip. She doesn't want to, because she's crying now, but he tugs again, saying, "Please," so she does. "I want you to know that you're one of the smartest people I know. And not just because of the ventricles stuff. Because of all of it. Because you take the time to think about the future and what people mean to you. What you mean in their lives too. And you're beautiful and talented and work hard and love with your whole self, Dem, really, you do."
"Stop," she says, because she can't listen to all this good stuff right now when she feels like she's kind of terrible. Like she should be atoning for things.
But he just wipes at her tears with the pad of his thumb. "I'm not going to stop, because I love you and you need to believe that you're going to be okay. Even if you mess up, you're going to be okay."
"Am I?"
He leans into her, so their foreheads are touching. "Yeah. You are." And he doesn't ask her what she's going to do, or what she's feeling. He just keeps touching her in little ways and Demi wants to just stay here forever with him. Where things make sense, even just for a second.
"Why won't I let you be my boyfriend?"
"Well, just because you're the smartest person I know doesn't mean you're really all that smart. Take a look at the jokers I hang with."
"Yeah, what's the deal with that, anyway?" she says, with a little bit of a giggle, that only grows when he responds, "Hey, don't be hatin', Dem."
"I love you," she says, starting to kiss him, putting her hands up inside his shirt. "Thank you."
"Anytime." He kisses her more deeply. Slips his tongue against her own.
If every bad thing that happens to her ends with Joe trying to make it better, then yeah, she can actually believe he's right. That things are going to be okay.
****
It doesn't really matter why though, just that she calls. That they talk.
Things are going to change. Demi's going to change. And she's going to get to be happy and sad and everything inbetween. Right now, she's mostly closer to happy though. Maybe even an A-.