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His hands were shaking and his vision was already going blurry with tears. A deep breath did nothing to calm his nerves or the pit in his stomach. Trevor, the cadet in the engineer’s seat, cleared his throat loudly. Keith shook his head and took another slow breath. “Uh… Gal-galaxy Garrison flight log uh… 2-24-14. Begin…. Begin descent,” He couldn’t keep his voice or the simulated space craft steady as he spoke. He cleared his throat again and clenched the controls so hard his knuckles turned white. “Begin descent to Kerberos for… for rescue mis-mission.”
He angled the craft smoothly to approach the appropriate entry position and felt it rattle a little. Before he could call back to Trevor to review the telemetry for the control system, the screen pinged. Singh, the comm spec, called out, “Cadet Captain, we have received a distress beacon.” Keith swallowed hard and nodded. “Thank you, Cadet Lieutenant Singh. Please track coordinates. Cadet Lieutenant Trevor, be advised,” he said, clearing his throat again and letting out another shaky breath. “Be advised, the control system appears to be—” Before he could finish, the ship rattled again and warning alarms started flashing on the HUD. “Cadet Lieutenant Trevor, one of our hydraulic stabilizers has malfunctioned.” His voice cracked harshly on the last word. “See that it’s repaired immediately. Singh advise distressed party that we’ll be…”
The icy moon in front of him was taking up nearly his whole view now. He couldn’t help but think about Shiro. Was this the last thing Shiro had seen before the mission failed? Or had he crashed on the surface- his body now frozen, covered in half a year’s worth of snow and ice? Fresh tears welled in his eyes as he stood from his seat. “Sorry, I can’t… I can’t do this. End Simulation.” The computer flashed the Simulation Failed screen as the lights returned to normal. Keith pushed the door open and willed himself not to sprint for the hall as soon as he set foot on the training room floor.
Before Iverson was able to say anything, Keith came to attention in front of him. “Permission to be dismissed, sir!” He called out as loudly as he was able to manage, a few tears having already started their unwelcome tracks down his cheeks. “What the hell, cadet? What is wrong with you?” Iverson said, his one eye narrowing in anger. Keith remained at attention and stared blankly ahead. “Captain Shirogane was a… a close friend, sir. I can’t… I can’t complete this simulation.” He said, trying hard but failing to keep his voice from breaking. Shiro had been so much more than a close friend. He had been everything to Keith. It had been weeks after the news was released before Keith had managed to even leave his bed, much less attend a course. Most of his instructors had been sympathetic last semester and allowed him extra time to turn in his assignments and exams. Iverson wasn’t one of them.
“Son, it’s been 3 months. Space is dangerous. Casualties happen. You need to move on, cadet. Do you understand me?” Iverson said, getting in Keith’s face. He clenched his teeth and his hands but didn’t respond. “I said, do you understand me, cadet?” Keith shook his head. “No, sir.” Iverson gritted his teeth. “Get out of my sight, cadet. We’ll talk about your insubordination later!” Keith swallowed past the lump in his throat and saluted. “Thank you, sir.” He said, walking as fast as he could without actually running out of the training area.
As soon as he got to his room, he ripped his uniform off into a haphazard pile on the floor next to his bed. Thankfully, his roommate was still in class, so he’d have a little while to collect himself. It felt terrible letting down his teammates like that, but there was no way he could bring himself to do that simulation. A rescue mission for the Kerberos team. Who even thought that was a good idea? Surely, he hadn’t been the only cadet that had been friends with Shiro, everyone loved Shiro. Matt had been purely in the research division, but he must have had friends in the flight school, too. And Dr. Holt was everyone’s favorite guest lecturer. He couldn’t be the only person who was taking this so hard. But apparently, he was.
He sat on his bed, holding his head in his hands and sobbed out his frustration. After a few minutes, he decided to pull out the small duffel bag stored underneath his bed. He unzipped it and was greeted with the small photo strip of him and Shiro. There were 5 separate photos in all, each of the first four with ridiculous faces and bunny ears. The fifth photo was Keith kissing Shiro on the cheek; Shiro had a huge, beaming smile on his beet red face. He pulled the neatly folded dress uniform jacket out from the bag and stuffed the photo back inside.
It had been months since the jacket had smelled like Shiro, but Keith still clutched it to his chest like it was the most precious object in existence. He buried his face into the collar, longing for even a hint of Shiro’s strawberry shampoo. There wasn’t one. Sobs wracked his shoulders as he rolled over on his bed, the scratchy wool and polyester fabric bunched up against his face. Not for the first time, and probably not for the last, Keith fell asleep, sobbing into Shiro’s jacket.