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365 Days Since Praimfaya
Jasper Jordan.
Today was harder than most for them. Each day was a struggle, but today had been a lot harder. It has officially been a year since Praimfaya destroyed any chance of happiness any of them had. A whole year without the feeling of the sun shining down on their face, without the feel of fall leaves crunching under their boots, and a whole damn year without Clarke Griffin and Jasper Jordan. A whole year.
They had now spent more time up in space than they had on the ground since first landing. This realization was nearly heartbreaking. How had so little time gone by, but such terrible things had happened to them. Nothing on the ground was easy, but at least down there, there wasn’t time to think. There wasn’t time to think about all the horrible things they had done or the horrible losses they had faced. It was better that way.
Today was the first day where they were able to fully mourn the loss of their friends. For a year, they had been too busy just trying to figure out a way to live up here and now that they have, there was nothing else to do but think.
“Bellamy, we’re going to be starting soon,” Raven called. Bellamy nodded, not looking up from the sketches on the cell floor. They were so beautiful, just like she had been. The drawings were complicated and intricate, and it wasn’t hard to tell that these were Clarke’s. Everything about them screamed Clarke Griffin.
Bellamy eventually moved from his seat on the floor and joined his friends. They were all gathered in a circle, sitting atop makeshift pillows, and a cup of Monty’s famous moonshine in hand. Their faces were melancholy. Bellamy couldn’t think of a time when they weren’t. He sat down quietly next to Murphy and downed an entire cup of moonshine. Just another day up in space, he thought grimly.
“I wanted to do something special for them. I feel like we owe it to them and ourselves to remember them, to talk about them, and to continue to bring light to them.” Monty spoke. His eyes were already filled with tears and Bellamy wondered how any of them were going to get through this without falling completely apart. He didn’t think they would.
“Who would like to start?” Monty asked, looking around the room and noticing how hard this was for them.
“I guess I’ll go,” Murphy said, taking a large gulp from his cup and sighing deeply.
“I obviously didn’t know Jasper as well as some of you did.” Murphy looked at Monty briefly, sympathy evident in his features. “But I did know how brave he was. He was the first one to be attacked by a grounder and he lived to tell the tale. He was constantly putting himself in danger for the people he cared about and that’s everything. The only sure thing we could count on while on the ground was each other and Jasper was there for everyone. Sure, he thought I was an ass, I was, maybe still am. Yet, he was there for me too. He was a good man and I’m truly sorry he’s gone.” A single tear fell from Murphy’s eye but it was gone so quick that maybe Bellamy just imagined it.
Everyone raised their glasses and took a sip. Bellamy had to get another glass.
“At first, I thought Jasper was just this kid who was way in over his head.” Raven started, staring at the floor and picking at her hands. “He wore these giant goggles on his head and a lopsided smile and I didn’t take him seriously. That day on the bridge, I was proved wrong. Jasper was terrified of the grounders, yet he got over that and went to help his friends. I can’t say that a lot of people would do that. He probably saved our asses that day. He was always putting our needs above his.” Raven was crying at this point and Bellamy's eyes widened slightly. Raven was one of the strongest people he knew and yet, here she was. “He was there for me that day after my brain was fried and the chip was finally out of me. He was the only person who comforted me and told me he knew what it felt like to be trapped in your own mind. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen what he meant that day. I should’ve. Jasper Jordan was a light on this dark planet.” Raven finished and by this time, everyone in the room, even Echo, had tears in their eyes.
The group took a minute before speaking again. This was incredibly difficult for them, but they needed to make their peace with what had happened. Bellamy knew this of course, but he wasn’t sure if he deserved to make peace with anything.
Harper spoke next, she told them the story of how she had helped him with that mattress prank on Jaha and they all laughed. Bellamy realized that the first time they had laughed in a while had been because of Jasper and nothing seemed more fitting. Emori spoke shortly but hadn’t had much to say except that she could tell he was broken and just needed more time. Echo didn’t speak at all. Bellamy thinks that was for the best. After all, it was her people’s betrayal that forced him and Clarke to irradiate the whole mountain, including Jasper’s girlfriend, Maya. The memory was still fresh in Bellamy’s mind and he physically winced at any memory of her.
“You guys have basically said it all, but Jasper really was brave. Sure, he was troubled, but he was incredibly brave. He was a good soldier and an even better friend. He always had my back and it haunts me every day that I didn’t have his. Jasper was the only thing on this planet that had people laughing and genuinely enjoying life. He was bubbly and bright and could always be seen with a smile on his face and those dorky goggles on his head.” Bellamy laughed, as did the others. “Man, I miss him. I miss my friend.” He took a drink and wiped his eyes.
Everyone looked at Monty hesitantly. This was going to be harder for him than anyone else. Bellamy knew this. The next one was going to break him, tear him apart, shatter his being. He wasn't ready, not at all.
“Jasper would want us happy.” Monty started, smiling softly. “That’s all he ever wanted, you know? He just wanted everyone, including himself, to be happy. We deserve it. He deserved it. Earth was beautiful, but it hurt a lot of us, I’m pretty sure all of us. We watched our friends die every day and that got to him. Jasper wasn’t someone that could handle seeing that constantly. It broke him. He fell in love with Earth and it broke his heart.” At this point, sniffs and quiet coughs could be heard throughout the room.
"I remember this one time, Jas and I were thirteen I think, and he convinced me to take some of my parent's marijuana, which they had for medicinal purposes only." Monty chuckled. "We obviously didn't use it for that. It was our first time getting high and I can confidently say that that was the best day of my life. Yes, we got in a shit ton of trouble, but it was worth it because I was right beside my best friend and we were out of our minds." Monty took another sip as he finished his story while his friends laughed lightly. "I just want to say that we should remember Jasper as the happy kid with the goggles. That's who I want to see when I think of my best friend. I don't want to see the man who was hanging on by a thread while we were all too busy to notice. Jasper was always so bright and happy. Being on Earth, I had never seen him so blissful. He loved everything about it. He loved the fresh air, the clear water, the way the trees would sing in the wind. He loved Earth and it killed him." Monty looked down at his hands, which were slightly shaking and sighed deeply.
"I miss him." A tear slid down his cheeks and he wondered when he would ever stop crying over his lost friend. “I miss my brother.”
“To Jasper.” Bellamy raised his glass and they followed suit. To Jasper, everyone spoke, taking a sip of their drinks and wiping their red eyes.
Bellamy wasn’t looking forward to what was next. To who was next.
Clarke Griffin.
“I don’t think any of us besides Monty can say that we genuinely liked Clarke when we first landed.” Murphy laughed. “She was this princess who was trying to control everyone. That’s what we thought, anyway. Turns out, Clarke Griffin was the most selfless person I’ve ever met. She was constantly putting everyone else in front of her and risking her life for people she didn’t even know. I spent some time with her in Polis before Lexa and I can confidently say that Clarke was one of my friends. She’s saved my life more times than I can count, and I wish I had thanked her.” Murphy smiled and took another sip from his cup. By the time this was over, they were all going to forget. Bellamy thinks that's what they hoped for.
“I can say with one-hundred percent certainty that Clarke Griffin was my closest friend. It may not have seemed like it sometimes, but I would’ve died for her over and over again if she’d let me. I remember when I first met her, I was wary because who was this girl that Finn seemed to be so head over heels for. After all that drama, I realized that Clarke was a selfless badass who wanted nothing but peace on Earth. That’s all she wanted.” Raven smiled softly and continued. “Like Murphy said, Clarke really was the most selfless person on this planet. She was the only one who had been there for us the whole time, without question. She did leave after Mount Weather, but she deserved that. She deserved to be alone for a while and take care of herself. That was the only selfish thing I think she ever did. Clarke Griffin wasn’t easy to make laugh but those rare moments when she smiled, it was like you just knew that everything was going to be alright, you know? You just knew.” Raven finished, and everyone was smiling. Hearing her name so many times hurt Bellamy, but he had to get through this. He needed to.
Monty spoke next. He spoke about how there were rare moments when he’d catch Clarke looking up at the stars and he’d wondered if she missed the Ark, how easy it had been up there. He figured she just thought it was pretty. He also spoke of when they first landed and how important Clarke had made him feel and how he hadn’t felt that sense of purpose before. Harper spoke after him and she cried. She talked about how much she admired Clarke and how she was looking forward to spending more time with her up here. Bellamy winced at that, so had he. Emori wanted to thank Clarke for saving her life twice and she spoke of how she had never met someone braver than her.
It was now Bellamy’s turn to speak and it felt as though his throat was closing up, his chest tightened and his hands clammed up. He knew this could help but maybe he wanted to imagine she was alive for a little longer and not say goodbye. He knew it was unhealthy, but this was Clarke. His Clarke.
“Alright.” He sighed. Everyone looked at him warily, their eyes red with previous tears yet small smiles were placed across their lips. They were getting closure. Bellamy needed it too. “Clarke Griffin. There’s a lot to say about her. I’m not sure if I can even put into words the amount of respect I had for her. I’m sure you all knew how I felt about her.” Eyes darted down, confirming his suspicions. “She was like the ocean. She was complicated and beautiful and dangerous, and she could suck you in with just one look. All it took was one moment and all of me was consumed by her. By her blonde curls, her bright blue eyes, her flushed cheeks, her spirit. Everything. You guys have already said it, but I’ll say it again. Clarke was selfless. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t have done for her people. She did do everything for her people. Nothing in her life was easy. But that was. Choosing her people over everything else was easy. She was just that kind of person. Someone who was brave and selfless and a brilliant leader. I am so lucky to have called her my partner, my best friend.”
Bellamy wiped several tears from his eyes and cursed under his breath. He couldn’t fall apart, not in front of them
“I think I first fell in love with Clarke when she showed me who she believed I was. We made me believe that I was someone good and worth saving. That I was someone who could be loved. She showed me that forgiveness is possible. I remember exactly what she said to me, the same words I had repeated back to her a couple of weeks later. She told me: If you need forgiveness, I’ll give that to you okay? You’re forgiven. It opened up my heart. I looked into her eyes and suddenly they were bluer. And the trees were greener, and the wind was warmer, and everything was beautiful.”
He was full on crying now. His shirt was damp with tears and his grip was so tight on his cup that he was afraid it’d shatter. He missed her so much that it physically pained him.
“I thought I’d get to spend five years with Clarke. I was so happy and thought to be so fortunate to be able to. She was and then she wasn’t. She was just gone. I had spent so much time trying to forgive myself that I hadn’t made sure Clarke had done the same. To think that she died not truly loving herself breaks my heart. She deserved to find peace and to be loved. I should’ve told her.” Bellamy dropped his head in his hands and sighed. “I should’ve told her I loved her and now it’s too late. It’s too late for us.”
Bellamy took a few minutes to breathe. Nobody said anything, but they were all there with him, tears streaming down their cheeks and their chests heaving wildly. It all hurt so much. This was a big loss. Clarke wasn’t only their friend, she was their leader.
“She deserved the world. She was taken for granted but I know that what we do up here with our lives has to matter. She died for it to matter. If we waste it, then she died in vain and I cannot let that happen. So, do what Clarke was never able to, be happy.” Bellamy raised his glass and whispered Yu gonplei ste odon.
“To Clarke Griffin,” Raven said, tears still streaming down her face.
Later, Murphy, Raven, Monty, Harper, and Bellamy walked to the glass window where they could look down at the scorched Earth.
“In peace may you leave the shore. In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again.” They all spoke.
As Bellamy looked around at his friends, he thought, maybe, he was going to be alright.