Chapter Text
PROLOUGE
I didn’t know what love was until I met Jungkook. I didn’t understand love until I lost him.
Our time together was short but in that time he showed me a side of this world I never knew. Every minute I had spent resenting this very existence, he showed me every second how to love and appreciate it. How was I supposed to move on from this? Get over our tragic love which was once a salvation?
I stood there in the hospital, watching it all unfold with my eyes. I wanted to scream my throat raw, cry my eyes out, do anything but to just stand there like a rag doll waiting for a miracle to happen. I clench my hands, curling it into a fist, dropping onto the floor with a thud. "Please, God, not him. Not now" I barely whisper, my energy all drained out.
"I didn’t tell him I loved him" I continue, my throat unbearably tight. "Just give me one chance, God. Please. Just let me tell him I love him". I was sobbing, my guilt consuming me to the point where it could kill me. I wish it did. I didn't want to live without Jungkook. Not without him, Please, don't make me live a life without him in it.
I pray through tear-soaked lashes, on my knees. I pray to a God I don't even know exist. I pray to just give me one chance. One chance to make my life perfect with Jungkook. One chance to tell him that I loved him. That I loved him more than anything else in the world. To tell him that his smile was my favorite in the world and that his favorite color was mine as well. Just once, so i could let him know that he changed my life in a way no one ever could.
I shuffle to my feet as the doctor comes out of the operation theater. The forlorn look in his eyes giving away what I didn't want to believe. Nonono, Please, God, No.
I see the doctor saying something to his mother and her screaming, vehemently moving her head. "He's alive. Stop saying he's dead. He's alive. Bring me my baby. Where's my baby?" I don't register what happens next. All I can feel is pain. Raw, excruciating pain blinding me. The pain of loosing Jungkook. The pain of loosing a part of myself. A part which I thought I'd have forever. I cry hysterically, not catching my breath. I cry for a beloved lost and I cry for myself. I cry because I know I will never be whole again.
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I thought the pain I felt when I lost Jungkook was the worst. The days that follow after, however are much much worse. It's been a week since his funeral. It rained that day and I had smiled knowing how much he loved the rain. I didn't say my goodbye to him. I couldn't. I tried to say a few words to him as I looked down at his face. His eyes were closed, which once crinkled around the corners when he smiled. He was living one moment and the next he wasn't. He was alive and then he wasn't. I mustered up a few words in my mind, only to forget them when they came at the tip of my tongue. In the end, I could only lean down and put my wobbling lips to his cold ones and tried not to shudder at the fact that this was the last time I could feel his lips on mine. "I'll see you again, Jungkook. I don't know when but I will. This isn't goodbye." I turned around and never stopped walking till I was out of the church.
"It's been days now, Jimin-ah. Please eat something." my mother's voice cuts through my thoughts and I turn around to look at her blankly. She sighs and flops down to my bed near me. "I know it's hard but please, You can't starve yourself. I know what you're going through..." "You don't", I say my voice hoarse from crying. "You don't have the slightest idea as to what I'm going through please stop pretending that you do, No one knows."
"I'm sorry, Jimin. I really am but you need to pull yourself together, okay? You need to.." She stops speaking again as I shuffle out of my bed and move to my closet, taking out my jacket. "Are you going somewhere?"
"Yes. I'll be back in an hour. I'm going to Jungkook's."
"Jimin, baby, please. Don't hurt yourself like this."
"Mom," I sigh "Let me do this... I just need some of his stuff"
"Okay. Just don't hurt yourself." She pleads and I hug her. She hugs me back tighter than she ever has and I lean my head against her shoulder, fighting my sobs.
"I'm leaving now, okay? Don't worry so much about me. I'm just going to go to his room and grab some of his stuff, Miss Jeon told me they'd donate the rest of his belongings." I softly say as I leave her and starts moving towards the door.