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University was not necessarily approached by Rose as a way to reconnect with people. And she hadn’t seen her ex-friend John in several years. They had avoided each other since she’d told him he had no right to interfere in her love life. He went off to Uni two years before her, not even telling her where he was going before he went. She had stood on her porch with her arms crossed and watched him load his things into his granddad’s car. He had looked at her and then got in the car without even saying anything to her. Good or bad, he was her oldest friend and it broke her heart to see him go.
So when she arrived at Uni, she was surprised to see him at the University cafe two weeks into classes. She nearly dropped her own cup of tea. She was out with her roommate, Martha, and the two of them were going to study together. It was a nice thought, but looking at him was jarring and made it very difficult to look at the books in front of her.
“What?” Martha whispered to her when she stared at the man for a little too long. Rose blushed and turned back.
“Nothing.”
“That was not the look of ‘nothing’, that was absolutely something,” Martha said. “You want to tell me what?”
“I knew that guy,” Rose said, tilting her chin towards John, who was now receiving his coffee. He looked over but Rose averted her gaze before they could make eye contact. She could feel his eyes on her, though, as he was frozen in his spot, staring at her.
“He’s looking at you,” Martha said without moving her lips.
“I know.”
“You gonna say hi?”
“No, absolutely not. We had a terrible fight over this boyfriend I had in high school, and he was a right prat about it. I don’t… I don’t want to open up that can of worms again.”
“I would, if I were you, he’s bloody fit.”
“Yeah, I know, he looks even better now.”
Martha laughed. “Well, this isn’t a big univeristy, Rose, so I’d say you’re really in for it.”
It seemed that John realized Rose was not going to look at him any time in the foreseeable future, so he left the cafe, stopping to look over his shoulder once before making it out the door. It made Rose’s heart sink to her stomach, even though she couldn’t quite explain it.
*******
As it turned out, Martha was right. John was everywhere, and most of the time, she was very lucky to avoid him, but on one unfortunate occasion, she was at the library, her books spread out over a table and her reading glasses perched on her nose.
“You’ve got reading glasses now.”
She jolted and looked up at him, where he stood over her, his hands clenched in his pockets. He looked like he had been running his hands through his hair obsessively, and his brows were drawn together in what she knew was nervousness.
Rose shifted back in her chair. “Um. Yeah,” She said, pushing said glasses farther up on her nose. “Eye doctor said I don’t need them for everyday, just for reading fine print, and well-” she gestured over the table. “It’s all fine print.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, and was clearly tired of small talk, because then he blurted out, “You’ve been avoiding me. I see you around, and you’ve been… Avoiding me.”
“I didn’t know you wanted me to do anything different,” She said with a little laugh, feeling a little strange about the whole thing. “What was I supposed to do?”
“I thought you might say hello,” he said sheepishly.
“John, we haven’t spoken in… What, three years?” She frowned, “Why would I just… Saunter up and say hello?”
“Well, it’s what I’ve done.”
“You always were the brave one,” she said softly, and gestured to the chair across from her. “You can sit, if you like.”
He hesitated for a moment. “I’d like to know what happened between us, Rose. I’ve missed you.”
“John, forgive me if I don’t want to dig all that up right now,” she said, her brow furrowing. “I have so much homework.”
“Right, yes, of course,” he nodded. “How about… I could…” He cleared his throat, and she sat back in her seat and looked up at him.
“What is it, John?” She asked, running out of patience.
“I could take you out to dinner tonight and we could talk about it,” he said in a rushed voice. “When there isn’t a stack of work between us.”
She wanted to turn him down, but he looked so nervous, shifting from foot to foot, and so much like the boy she knew (Except with very handsome edges) that she found herself nodding, despite herself.
“Alright,” she said. “I’m in dorm B, pick me up at six.”
“Brilliant!” he said, and then realized he was much too loud for the library. “Um, see you then?”
‘Yeah, see you.”
After that, she couldn’t really focus on her studies, so she closed up all her books and went back to her dorm, waiting for John to come pick her up. Martha returned to the room about an hour before he was supposed to come get her, and found her sitting on her bed, staring into the wall.
“Are you alright?” Martha asked, slowly dropping her backpack to the floor.
“John came up to me in the library today.”
‘What??”
“Yeah, and he said he wants to have dinner and talk things out.” She looked to Martha. “I have… No idea what to do.”
“You’re going, right?”
“Well, yes,” Rose agreed, “But I don’t know if I actually want to.”
“I cannot wait for you to get back,” Martha enthused, and there was nothing else for Rose to do but laugh.
She was surprised when there was a knock at her door. She opened up the door and John stood there, looking very nervous.
“I realized I don’t have your number anymore,” he said, “I had to ask someone where your room was.”
“Um, right,” She said, reaching behind her for her bag. “Let’s go, then.”
John led her to his car, this little blue sudan that was so undeniably him that she felt a wave of emotion. He opened the passenger door and looked at her expectantly.
“Thank you,” She said softly, and got into the car. He shut the door behind her and ran around the front of the car to get into the driver’s side.
“I don’t know what to say,” she admitted, lacing her fingers together in her lap.
“Then… Maybe we should start talking now.” He inhaled sharply. “What happened to us, Rose?”
She sighed, not expecting to get into it so soon. “I- The way I remember it, was that you told me how I should live my life, and who I should and shouldn’t date.” She refused to look at him, even though she could feel him glancing over at her. “I know that you acted like you didn’t want me to be happy.”
“Rose, of course I wanted you to be happy. Whatever happened with… Um, with…”
“Jimmy Stone?” She supplied helpfully. She lifted a shoulder and shook her head. “We broke up. He was a bit of a player, cheated on me a few times.”
“I… Suspected.”
“You did?” Rose narrowed her eyes at him, “You could’ve told me that instead of saying he was an ‘arrogant sod and, really, I deserved better’,” She shook her head.
“I should have said that,” he said, pulling into the lot of a tiny chippy. “But I… I was afraid to.”
“Why?”
“I should have been transparent with you,” He said softly. “Here, let’s go in.”
“You remembered chips are my favorite.”
“Erm, yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck and refused to make eye contact. He got out of the car and before she could even open the door, he was opening it for her. She was surprised by that, and she was a bit more surprised when he insisted on paying for their chips.
When they received their food and walked to a little corner booth, John looked like he was going to start talking again. It took him a few moments to do so, and when he did speak, it was softly. “I was jealous.”
She blinked. “What?”
“I was jealous of Jimmy.”
“What? Why?” Rose blinked, feeling the shock color her face. “You were so vicious towards me, the whole time I was with him, up until we had out fight, and then there was nothing.”
John picked at his chips. “I wanted… I wanted to be with you. Not Jimmy. I thought he was terrible for you, yes, but I just knew that you liked him.”
Rose had never gathered that from him. If she had known he was interested in her, she never would’ve dated Jimmy in the first place. After a few moments of staring at him, she was quite overcome with emotion and put her head in her hands. “I wish you would’ve told me,” she said, “I thought everything was ruined, I thought you hated me.”
“I thought you hated me,” John said, “You’ve been avoiding me since you got here.”
“I didn’t even know you went here,” she pointed out. “I was trying to avoid you in general because I knew you hated me.”
He looked away from her and a long silence stretched out between them. He finally said softly, “I didn’t hate you. I loved you.”
She lifted her head from her hands and looked at him suspiciously. “You did?”
“I still-” he cleared his throat. “When I saw you at the cafe, my heart just jumped into my throat. I didn’t know you would still elicit that kind of response from me,” he let out a breathless laugh, “But you do. You’re almost exactly how I remember you.”
“If you loved me, why didn’t you do anything about it?” She demanded.
“Because you were so young, Rose. An age difference is a bigger thing when you’re younger, and I was worried that you were too young for me, and that people would think I was some sort of creep.”
“I would’ve known that you weren’t,” Rose replied sharply. “All this time-”
“But what would your parents have thought?” He demanded, “Your friends? I was two years older than you, and at the time, it was bloody monumental. I couldn’t get past it.”
“You still should have told me,” She said, “That should have been something that we decided together.”
He sighed. “I know. I know I should have. But I didn’t know… What you would have done. There was too much to lose.”
“I would’ve dumped Jimmy in a heartbeat for you,” She said, glaring at him. “All you ever had to do was say.”
He closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. “I ruined everything. We could’ve had… I wasted so much time.”
“We both made mistakes,” She said, feeling suddenly softer in the face of all his emotions. “And we can… Try to be friends again, and see what happens.”
“Okay,” he said, lifting sad eyes to hers. “Let’s do that, yes.” He nodded. “Anything would be better than not talking to you at all.”
They left the chippy shortly thereafter, as they had talked about their lives while they had been apart from each other, and John offered to walk her back to her dorm. She agreed, just to be close to him for a little longer. The animosity she had had built up against him had drained out of her body, and there was only the tender affection that had been there before.
When they reached the bottom of her building, he looked like he was going to start fidgeting, so she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. He melted against her instantly, his nose pressed to her shoulder.
It felt good, to hug him again, in those warm arms that she remembered so clearly. She squeezed him tighter at that, her eyes shut. This was a moment, this moment of reconciliation, that she was sure she would remember for the rest of her life, no matter what happened between them.
“I changed my mind,” she mumbled into his shoulder.
“What?”
“I changed my mind,”
“Yeah. About what?” he pulled back to look at her. “What do you mean?”
“I never wanted to just be friends with you,” she said, “And if I can be with you now, I want to be. I want to put everything that happened behind us and start over.”
“This is a switch,” he replied, not knowing what to do with the information she was giving to him. “I care about you so much, I don’t want you to do something that you’ll regret.”
“I only regret wasting so much time,” She said softly, realizing for the first time that it was true.
“I would kiss you if I wasn’t so sure that you would hit me afterwards.” He laughed, a little nervously, and she smiled at him.
“You can,” She said, her voice trembling with nerves. “I wish you would.”
He lifted a shaky hand to touch her face. “I missed you so much,” he whispered, “All this time, all I could think about was you, I didn’t date anyone. It felt wrong.”
“Were you going to be single forever?” She asked him, furrowing her brows.
“I was going to call you when I graduated,” he said, “And patch things up then.”
“So you weren’t going to date? See if there was someone better than me?” she pressed.
He looked at her like she had said the most daft thing he had ever heard in his life. He shook his head slowly. “I knew there wasn’t anyone better than you,” he said softly.
She didn’t wait for him to kiss her then, just leaned up and did it herself, taking his face in her hands and kissing him softly.
Somehow, it didn’t feel like a first kiss. It felt like something so much better, like something that was always meant to happen. They were always meant to be like this, she thought,and she rather liked that idea altogether. He held her waist very carefully, as though he was afraid of doing something wrong, and when she pulled back he pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes closed.
“You could come with me, to my room, we could watch a movie,” he rushed out, “Not to… Do anything else, I just want to be close to you.”
Her heart warmed and she felt a sense of completeness that she didn’t think she could have. She pulled back and looked up at him. ‘I’ll have to tell my roommate that I’m gone.”
He furrowed his brows at her, and she nodded, waiting for him to get it.
“I’ll have to tell my roommate that I’m gone so she doesn't worry when I don’t show till tomorrow morning. Remember when we were little and we’d have sleepovers in your backyard?”
He nodded slowly.
“We should have another one tonight.”
She expected him to say something about their lack of backyards, but instead his eyebrows jumped into his hairline. “Oh! Yes, go on, I’ll wait for you here.”
She went inside and told Martha where she was going (who was really far too excited about the whole thing), packed a bag quickly and went back downstairs, to where John was nervously waiting. He held out his hand to her and when she slipped her fingers in between his she knew that yes: it was always supposed to be this way.