Countervail

Dec 9: Trimming the tree/Ornaments

By the time they’d arrived at the section with angel toppers, Gibbs had placed roughly twenty ornaments in a basket for decorating the tree. He still didn’t have a tree, but these were ones that Tony had looked at that Gibbs just couldn’t leave behind. Tony stared at the huge display of angels.

It was at least ten times the size of any other angel sections they’d seen today. Finally, Tony picked up a beautiful light blue angel with soft, airy looking clothes that reminded him of his mother. Thinking about his mother and how he lost her brought to mind Gibbs’ loss of family as well.

“What was Shannon like?” Tony murmured quietly, turning to face Gibbs with the light blue angel in his hand. He knew there was a chance Gibbs wouldn’t answer, but he couldn’t help wondering if this angel could be a reminder of good memories for them both of their lost loved ones.

“Beautiful, much more forgiving than me. She’d never have approved of the break between Jackson and I. Stubborn, but not like me. She didn’t dig her heels in when she wanted something like I do. Instead, she’d come at it from different directions until she finally got what she wanted. She was so full of life. You remind me of her at times.” Gibbs’ voice trailed off wistfully.

Tony waited a few minutes respectfully. “What do you think of this one?” He held out the blue angel to Gibbs. “My mother wasn’t perfect, but every year I looked forward to the one present she gave me. It never cost much, but it was always from her heart. I can’t help thinking that this is what she would look like in heaven.”

Gibbs opened his eyes, having closed them as the memories of Shannon overwhelmed him. “I think Shannon would have liked this one. Kelly always insisted that the more sheer the outfit the closer to heaven they were and the easier Santa could find us. This one would fit perfectly.”

Tony nodded and added the angel to Gibbs’ basket. “What else do we need?”

“Pick out any other ornaments you want to decorate the tree with.”

“What tree?”

“The one we’ll get the next time we have some free moments from work.”

Tony frowned. Gibbs was making a lot of assumptions. “I’m not your servant always at your beck and call, you know?”

Gibbs blanched. That wasn’t what he meant at all. Tony plowed on, completely ignoring Gibbs reaction.

“I can’t figure you out, you know? One minute you’re acting like you have for the last 9 or so years and making me wonder just how I could countervail the grinch in your ass. The next minute you’re all attentive and sweet and I can’t help wondering if you are bipolar or were recently informed you’re dying of cancer or something else life shattering.”

Gibbs opened his mouth and then closed it again when he couldn’t figure out what to say.

“Don’t get me wrong I’ve missed you, but I don’t want to go back to a relationship where I’m constantly on eggshells never knowing what’s going to trigger you to explode.”

Gibbs frowned and opened his mouth to object when an elderly lady interrupted them, “Leroy! Don’t tell me you haven’t been taking care of this boy like Shannon would have wanted you too.”

Gibbs cringed.

“It may have been years since I saw you in here with her and that lovely girl you had, but I remember her nature and I remember what you were like without her the few times you came around before you stopped coming entirely. You can’t close yourself off from the entire world, Leroy.” She shook her veiny finger at him. “You know Shannon would never have wanted this for you and would never have let you live the way you’ve been living these past years. Let him love you. Show him you love him too. You know you do or you wouldn’t have brought him here.”

With those as her parting words, the elderly lady returned to the checkstand behind the counter. Gibbs had been afraid of exactly this. Who knew what Tony would think of him after that.

“I’m sorry, Tony. I didn’t mean to run hot and cold or to worry you.”

Tony looked back and forth between Gibbs and the old woman. “I can’t forget the way you tossed me away. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to.”

“I understand.” Gibbs averted his eyes, not wanting to watch Tony walk away from him.

Tony stared at Gibbs bowed head as his feelings warred within him. “Are you just giving up then?”

“No.” Gibbs raised his head, eyes shining with unshed tears. “I’ll continue to fight for you as long as you’ll let me.”

“You sound like you already have one foot out the door. How am I supposed to believe that you love me when you’re practically willing to give up at the first bump in the road?”

“I” Gibbs started, but he didn’t know how to finish it.

“Exactly. You. You’re not thinking about me. You’re thinking about you. About how you want me in your life. You’re not thinking about what I want or what would be best for me.”

Gibbs colored with shame. He knew it was true.

“Now, I’m still willing to give you a chance, but I can’t guarantee I’ll ever be able to be more than a friend or coworker.”

“I know.” Gibbs inadequately replied.

Tony shook his head and left the store.

“What are you waiting for? Go after him before you lose him for good.” The elderly woman exclaimed when Gibbs just stood there.

Startled out of his thoughts, Gibbs quickly hurried after Tony, dropping the basket as he ran. “Tony, wait!”

The elderly lady clucked and shook her head as she gathered up the contents of the basket and brought it back behind the counter to await whatever the resolution of Leroy and his young man would be.

Gibbs grabbed Tony’s arm, turning Tony to face him. “Please don’t go.”

“I can’t. You’re the one who drove.” Tony pointed at the challenger.

“Tony. Please.” Gibbs begged.

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I never will and you would probably be better off with someone who’s not a bastard and old and stuck in his ways, but you’ll never find someone who loves you more than I do. I’m not sick. I haven’t had any life altering revelations except for the one where I realized I can’t live without you. I’ve treated you horribly and nothing I do can ever make up for that, but at least let me try? I really do love you.”

“How can I ever believe you?”

“I’m trying. The behavior that’s confusing is me trying to show you how much you mean to me. It’s me trying to put you first like I should have all those years ago. It’s me trying to show you that I made the biggest mistake of my life when I let you walk away. Please don’t walk away from me this time. Give me a chance. You won’t regret it.”

Tony shook his head sadly. “I don’t know if I’ll ever”

“I know.” Gibbs cut Tony off. “I know. It’s ok. Even if you can never forgive me and we are never able to have what we had before, I still have to try.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. I’ve missed you, so much, Tony. You have no idea.” Gibbs pulled him close, gathering him into a hug completely uncaring of the fact that they were in public.

Tony half laughed half sobbed. “It’s ok.” He patted Gibbs on the back.

Gibbs pulled back slowly. “So about that Christmas tree… You wanna come over and decorate it with me later?”

“Sure.” Tony shook his head. It wasn’t fixed. He didn’t know if it ever would be. All they could do was keep moving forward and make the best of it.