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“Hey,” Seokjin said, opening the door to the little Bangtan Studio in the company building. Namjoon paused what he was working on and took his earphones off as soon as he noticed him walking in, glancing at the clock on the wall. 2:19 am.
“Hey, hyung,” he replied, making room in front of the computer so Seokjin could grab the extra chair and sit by his side. The elder set a paper bag on the desk as he did so, smiling at him.
“I smuggled some goods,” he whispered for effect, making Namjoon chuckle as he inspected the contents of the bag, taking a couple bottles of soju out of it. “I figured you could use a drink.”
“Ah, what would I do without you?” Namjoon smiled, sounding so heartfelt and sincere Seokjin felt that particular warmth on his chest that he had come to associate with Namjoon. “Cheers,” the younger said after he had uncapped the bottles, offering one of them to Seokjin.
“Cheers,” he replied as he lifted his bottle, and they both took a swig of the beverage.
They fell into pleasant conversation shortly after, the kind that came so naturally to them when they were together, and Seokjin wondered for the nth time if Namjoon had noticed this about them too.
Seokjin loved all his members to pieces and they shared a family-like bond like no other, but there was something special about Namjoon he couldn’t quite explain, no matter how many times his heart had tried to whisper the word infatuation into his ear and he had decided not to listen.
They ended up talking about things they didn’t get to do anymore since they had become idols, acknowledging they couldn’t really complain because it came with the territory and they all knew it when they signed up for this adventure together. But it didn’t mean they couldn’t reminisce about their life before the spotlight.
Seokjin told him a funny anecdote involving some of the high school friends he had met in their most recent break, during which they all went back home for a few days, and Namjoon laughed, smiling nostalgically like suddenly good memories came back to him.
“You know what I miss?” he twisted his wrist to swirl the liquid in the bottle of soju he was holding with his left hand. “Kissing people.”
Seokjin’s shoulders tensed but he tried to hide it with a small chuckle, because this was a topic he had been avoiding talking about with the members for the longest time. Except this time the one bringing it up was Namjoon, who he’d learned to trust completely not only as a leader but as a dear friend, who just now said kissing people and not kissing girls, and Seokjin somehow felt ready to be at his most vulnerable in front of one of the few people with whom he knew he could be his true self comfortably.
He put his empty bottle of soju on the desk and took a breath. “I… I miss kissing boys,” Seokjin admitted, eyes cast down, hoping Namjoon would catch the true meaning behind his words. After a beat of silence he glanced up and the little glint of realization flashing across the younger’s eyes told him he’d understood.
Before Seokjin’s mind could spiral into thinking about all the possible ways having said that out loud could go wrong, Namjoon’s right hand reached for his shoulder and squeezed reassuringly, the gentle smile on his face as understanding and accepting as Seokjin needed it to be to feel at ease.
“Girls are nice, but boys are something else, too,” Namjoon told him, and it was an admission of his own, and Seokjin couldn’t help but feel privileged Namjoon trusted him enough to share this part of himself with him.
As Seokjin lay on his bed that night before going to sleep, he found it difficult to quiet down the little voice in his head that told him he had a chance now, no matter how small it was, but the bigger voice of reason within him talked about actions and consequences and it prevailed in the end.
...
Seokjin decided he had to be a masochist, because there was no other way to explain why he had started flirting with Namjoon from time to time, always making it look like a gag to bother the younger, but failing when Namjoon played along and flirted back. Even the members had caught on, making an inside joke out of it and manipulating situations so Namjoon and Seokjin found themselves together or next to each other.
It felt like a blessing and a curse, because the more it happened the more Seokjin was willing to accept he was developing feelings for Namjoon other than fraternal love, but the more he accepted it the more he dealt with the guilt of wanting something he couldn’t have, something he shouldn’t have if he was to succeed in the path he had chosen.
Maybe Seokjin wouldn’t get to have certain things in this lifetime. Maybe Namjoon reciprocating his feelings was one of them.
...
One day Seokjin got carried away. One day he forgot this whole time Namjoon has most likely considered the will they won’t they thing they have going on just a silly game between friends, like he was supposed to consider it himself, and he allowed his feelings to get the best of him.
They were trying outfits for their comeback and Seokjin and Namjoon were the last members in the changing room, getting dressed in different clothes before going out into the dance studio so the head stylist could decide if what they were wearing matched the concept of their new album or not.
Namjoon playfully wrapped his arms around Seokjin’s waist when the elder was looking at himself in the full body mirror, and Seokjin sucked in a breath he hoped the younger hadn’t noticed. “We look good together,” Namjoon said like he was stating a fact, meeting Seokjin’s eyes through the reflection and resting his chin on the elder’s shoulder.
“We do,” Seokjin replied, monotone and casual to match Namjoon’s disposition. “Let’s go,” he said as he turned around, expecting Namjoon to move so they could head to the room next door together, but he bumped into the younger’s chest instead. Namjoon held Seokjin close by the arms to prevent him from losing his balance, and Seokjin held onto Namjoon’s t-shirt to keep himself steady, quietly cursing his luck as he looked up. “Sorry.”
“No problem,” Namjoon smiled, something so warm and indescribable in his eyes Seokjin felt the need to look away. In trying to avoid his eyes the elder made the mistake of fixing his gaze on Namjoon’s mouth, and the conversation they had had weeks ago in the studio flashed back to him. Was Namjoon a good kisser? Would he ever be interested in kissing Seokjin?
Seokjin’s hands moved of their own accord to cup Namjoon’s face, like his heart was set on taking over his body to look for answers, and he leaned in. Namjoon’s lips were full and soft and he let himself kiss them three brief times before the rational man in him regained control and he pulled away, the realization of what he had just done hitting him like a freight train.
Namjoon stood frozen in place, wide-eyed and with a light blush on his cheeks. “Hyung…”
“We should go now, people are waiting,” Seokjin stammered through the pounding in his chest, rushing out of the changing room, not daring to look back.
...
It was hard, pretending nothing had happened, but Seokjin tried his best to act normal around Namjoon, who apparently did the same around him but seemed to be more reserved about it, and it broke Seokjin’s heart a little. Maybe it was for the best, and if it was true that time healed all wounds, Seokjin could only hope it would not take long for him to get over the feeling of Namjoon’s lips on his.
...
Seokjin lay on his bed, bracing himself for another night of restless sleep, when Namjoon opened the door and wandered wordlessly into the shared bedroom to lie down next to him, mattress barely big enough for the both of them. He was looking up and his fingers were fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie, but Seokjin decided not to think much of it as he turned his head to glance at him.
“I… I love you, Seokjin-hyung,” he said, eyes still fixed on the ceiling, and this statement ringed true in Seokjin’s ears. Because he knew Namjoon loved him, yes, but like he loved his members, like one loves family, like the seven of them had admitted to each other when the moment called for it.
“I love you too, Namjoon,” he replied simply, because it was true. Because first and foremost he loved him like he loved his members, like one loves family, even if he had finally admitted to himself that a different kind of love had pushed through.
“No, hyung, I mean…” Namjoon shook his head, pushing himself up on one elbow to look at him in the eyes. “I am in love with you.”
Seokjin’s heartbeat sped up as he waited for Namjoon to laugh and tell him it was a joke, but he had never seen such a serious look on the younger’s face. “What?” he whispered, still not believing his ears.
“I am in love with you,” Namjoon repeated, “and I have thought about this a lot. I need you to know how I feel, even if it is selfish on my part to put this burden on you.” He sighed. “If there was nothing more to that kiss, if it was just a spur of the moment thing, I can take it. I can eventually get over it. But I just need to know for sure.” He moved to sit on the bed, still looking at Seokjin with sincerity in his eyes as he began to stand up. “So whenever you are ready, we should talk about it.”
It took Seokjin an eternity to register Namjoon’s words, to process them and acknowledge them, and by the time they were engraved into his memory Namjoon had left the room.
...
Seokjin padded quietly into the bathroom, not knowing if Namjoon could see him through the mirror over the sink, and he pressed his forehead between Namjoon’s shoulder blades. “I am in love with you too,” he said, voice soft but certain. “But I’m also afraid.”
“We can find a way,” Namjoon replied, his hand looking for Seokjin’s behind him.
Seokjin nodded against the fabric of his pajamas as they intertwined fingers. “We are just a couple of fools, aren’t we?”
“We are.”