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It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights-
Kermit scurried down the hallway frantically looking around corners, under tables and, with rather poor, but comedic timing, into a tuba as the opening number started playing out.
“I swear if he even looks at me again, I’m going to-”
“There you are Piggy!” He shouted over the music, running towards the strident yelling.
Kermit turned the corner and slid towards the dressing rooms before stopping in his tracks. “What happened?!” He asked in disbelief at the scene in front of him.
“Oh my Kermy! It was just awful,” Miss Piggy wailed dramatically, as the starlet gracefully picked up the train of her sequined gown to step over the prone body on the floor. Of course, due to the restricting outfit and her own petite nature, this mean that for the moment she was standing on top of the human man sprawled across the hallway.
“Moi was just coming out of the dressing room to get into place for my cue and this, this JERK,” she emphasised her point with a dainty, but forceful looking stamp of a kitten-heeled pump. “Walks right up to me and asks if I, if I, want to SEE” STAMP “HIS” STAMP “HAMMER!!” STAMP.
Miss Piggy sniffed dismissively, flicked her curled blonde hair over one shoulder, and held out her hand for Kermit to help her stepping off the body. She stepped gingerly down, but not before taking a final moment to dig a silver heel into heavily muscled flesh.
“Now Piggy,” Kermit started conciliatorily, only to flinch back as she turned her impressive glare on him. “Not to say that he might not have meant it quite that way, but...”
“Dearest Kermy,” Miss Piggy cut in with saccharine sweetness and heavy dramatic irony. “After all these years, moi knows very well what a man means when he asks if I want to see his-”
“We’re a PG show!!” Kermit interrupted, flippers waving in dismay. “Now, remember when I said that we were going to have a real live superhero on tonight? And you said-”
“SUPERMAN?! WHERE?!” Miss Piggy demanded, fluffing up her curls, smoothing out her dress, and buffing a shoe against the now-groaning body beside her. “Eat your heart out Teri Hatcher.”
Kermit sighed, pinched the bridge of his snout, and pointedly looked down at the stirring lump of their potentially concussed special guest.
“Kermy, my dear,” Miss Piggy all but snarled. “Do you mean to tell moi that this, THIS?! is our SPECIAL GUEST?!”
“Weeeeellllll,” Kermit gulped. “In fact… Piggy, this is Captain Hammer.”
Kermit made sure that he sounded like he was giving a ‘normal’ introduction (which for the Muppet Show it honestly was) even as he gestured down at the emblem emblazoned on the prone man’s chest. An emblem which was still visible, although slightly obscured by the footprints liberally peppering the man’s torso.
“Ok, let’s say that you’re right, Kermit,” Miss Piggy said, sounding supremely unimpressed. “If this is Captain Hammer, our superhero guest star for tonight, then where is his HAMMER?!”
Miss Piggy swept her arms around dramatically, gesturing to the hallway and pointing out the distinct lack of a hammer to be seen around them.
“Oh, the hammer is my penis.” Captain Hammer explained, as he started to leverage himself into a sitting position.
“Well, there goes tonight’s PG rating,” Kermit muttered, dropping his head into his flippers. He wondered, not for the first time since meeting their guest, what they’d done to their current agent to deserve this. Honestly, he should know by now that people pretending to be presidents just weren’t worth the trouble, no matter what Sam thought.
“Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!” Miss Piggy shrieked, stalking angrily back towards the seated man. “HIYYYYYYAAAAAHHH!!”
And it’s the Muppet Show with a very special guest, CAPTAIN HAMMER!!
Now ladies and gentlebeings, straight from the city of angels, it’s Captain Hammer and his amazing…
I mean to say…
It’s Captain Hammer performing amazing tricks, that definitely don’t involve his, or anyone else’s, hammer in any capacity! Yaaaaaaay!!
Captain Hammer he strode out onto the stage and struck a pose in the center spotlight, holding up a microphone in one gloved hand as he flexed his other arm dramatically. “Good people.... And other… things… in the audience. Tonight you are going to see just how much of a hero I am and how much of a hero you can be too. Obviously not as much of a hero as I am, but you can still be amazed at my awesomeness, which is how you too can take part in hero-stuff.”
As the music started to pick up in earnest, a pair of querulous voices cut out over the crowd.
“You know I’ve never understood why they tell you, you shouldn’t meet your heroes.”
“What, are you trying to say that he’s not a disappointment?”
“No! I’m trying to say he’s not much of a hero!”
Down on the stage Captain Hammer continued sauntering across the platform, lapping up the applause and laughter, apparently oblivious to the commentary, which was its main source.
“Strange not to see Ms. Piggy on stage for the big number.”
“True, but you know how she hates to share the spotlight.”
“You really think he’s that much of a star?”
“No! I think he’s that much of a pig!”
After several minutes, but only about halfway into the planned stage time, Kermit, who was definitely going to need to have a serious talk with their agent, came out on stage to try to get the show back on track. At least it seemed the hero hadn’t noticed that the raucous laughter from the peanut gallery and the crowd was more at him than with him.
“Thank you very much Captain Hammer.” Kermit cheered, as he tried, rather unsuccessfully, to herd the still posing human into the wings. “I’m sure everyone was very impressed by your tricks-”
“Not very!” “I found his showing a little limp myself!”
“Well, yes – so uh, NEXT” Kermit shouted, trying to be heard over the sounds of new staging being set up behind the curtain. “Next, Captain Hammer has generously offered to help one of our newest cast members with a brand new SKIT!”
Kermit waved his flippers around excitedly, cueing the other staff to come out and grab their special guest for his quick change.
“Wait- What?!” Captain Hammer yelped as he was picked up by Sweetums and Pepé and, against his protestations and flailing, expertly trussed up for the final act of the night.
“So now, I’d like you to all put your hands together for our newest act - Bad Horse and the HUMAN SHOW JUMP! YAAAAAAAY!”