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“Loki, no!”
Looking up, Loki barely had a scant second to register what was about to happen. Mid battle chaos roared around him, but all he could see was his captain. Shieldless, helmetless, filthy, and the absolute last thing Loki hoped to see.
Of course, he forgot how damned quick Steve was.
Loki was shoved hard, clear out of the way, allowing Steve to take on the brunt of a flung city bus.
“NO!” Loki cried out through gritted teeth, getting up and racing over.
The fighting was beginning to die down and Loki tried to move the bus with his magics. It didn’t budge. His emotions were far too twisted to access them, even when he needed it most. “Wanda,” he shouted and quickly, the bus was lifted and moved aside.
“Oh good, it worked,” Steve coughed up some blood and Loki scrambled to his side.
“Elskan are you- do you have a deathwish,” Loki breathed, cupping his jaw, moving his has down to the bloody patch seeping over red and white stripes on Steve’s right side.
“Couldn’t...see you hurt,” Steve breathed, gripping Loki’s bicep. “Loki, I L-”
Loki placed his hand over Steve’s mouth. “Shh, don’t talk. We’re going to get Bruce to come look you over. And the Dr. Cho is going to get you all fixed up okay,” Loki whispered. “You hear me, Steven Grant?”
“Yes,” Steve coughed up some more blood. Loki conjured a handkerchief and blotted his lips clean as the rest of the team hurried into action. Before long, they had Steve on a quinjet, delirious with blood loss and refusing to let Loki out of his sights.
Loki and Bucky hovered, but it didn’t take long to get them back to the tower.
They stood at the window, god and human, both with expressions made of marble as they watched Steve flatline three times. Bucky was hooked up to do a blood transfusion, while Loki crossed his arms over his chest.
“I know we’re not best friends, but Steve would want us to get along,” Bucky said to him. Loki turned his head to look at him.
“Steve always wishes for us to get along. It has yet to happen,” Loki’s tone was clipped, under duress. Apparently that’s as much of an olive branch Bucky was interested in extending, as he returned to silence.
Dr. Cho exited the room, and approached Bucky. “We’ll need to put him under. Even with the serum, his body-” Bucky waved her off.
“He’s the proxy, not me,” Bucky said.
“What, exactly, is a proxy?” Loki’s greatest pet peeve since his return to earth was assumptions that he understood midgardian specifics. With his beloved’s current state, he didn’t have the luxury of playing coy with that kind of thing.
Dr. Cho spoke. “You’re in charge, basically. You can make decisions for him when he can’t, which is currently the case. He’s too...injured to-”
“I see,” he said.
“He’s too injured to make decisions for himself. The pain is making him delirious, seeing as almost nothing exists to make the pain stop, the only option we have is to completely knock him out.”
“You can do that, however you cannot ease his pain? Midgardian medicine baffles me,” Loki didn’t quite scoff, but Dr. Cho narrowed her eyes.
“Steve is a unique case. Different medicines interact with his make up in different ways,” she explained tersely. Loki wasn’t looking for a fight and he shook his head, offering her the barest of smiles.
“I’ll put him under. It will be gentler than your medicines,” Loki said quietly. Dr. Cho studied him for a moment, then looked to Bucky, who nodded.
“He was asking for you.” She gestured towards the doorway.
Loki stepped through as other doctors worked to keep Steve stable. He appreciated the wary looks that were still occasionally tossed his way, but Steve was his priority.
Laying on the table, Steve’s uniform was in tatters. Loki had watched the shears cut through the rough material like butter. Electrodes were stuck to his chest and abs, and he looked pallid at best.
“‘Oki,” Steve rasped, and Loki easily took his hand.
“You do recall, dear one, that I am nigh unto a god, yes?”
“‘M in trouble aren’t I,” Steve slurred. A doctor stopped and murmured, into Loki’s ear, that he was on a wealth of painkillers and that his brain function might be affected. He was warned it would wear off in ten minutes, which to Loki meant that’s all he had with his captain.
“Yes, and how. But we will sort that later,” Loki promised, taking Steve’s hand and kissing some part of it.
“Couldn’t…” Steve coughed wetly, more blood, and Loki gently took his handkerchief to it.
“I know, you’re such a pig headed, idiotic, moronic mortal.” Loki, for just a moment, allowed himself the indulgence of sharing his frustration, along with his self depreciation. “I’m not worth it, Steven, and I’m certainly not worth you,” he murmured.
Steve looked at him then, and Loki knew he’d been caught by a moment of clarity.
“Don’t you ever say that to me again,” Steve whispered, reaching up and clutching the back of Loki’s neck. For his part, Loki knew this was stubbornness.
“I’m sorry,” he said, trying to appease him. “I’m sorry… Steven. I have to use my seidr on you,” Loki watched as Steve nodded mournfully.
“I love you,” Steve whispered, and Loki nodded.
“Always, elskan.” Loki touched two fingers to his temple, and Steve was under.
He sat down, directly on the floor, and buried his head in his hands.
--
Two hours later, Loki had gotten Steve and his medical contraptions up to their floor. He was loathe to leave the captain in the medical bay, and knew Steve would want to be home and not in the hospital.
After all, Loki knew just as firsthand as Bucky Barnes what kind of memories hospitals evoked for Steve.
“Thank you, Dr. Cho. I know Steve would want me to make sure you knew how appreciated this is,” Loki was saying with a smooth smile.
Despite Steve being in a magic induced coma, Dr. Cho wasn’t taking any chances. The morphine was on a timer, but Loki was instructed on how to use the machine if there were any problems.
“I can see myself out,” she said gracefully.
Now that he was alone with Steve, or as close to it as they would be for the estimated two days this would take, Loki allowed himself to relax, and the emotions flooded in. Tears dripped down his stony expression as he stripped.
“I am very...fucking cross with you Steven,” Loki was saying, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and laying down on the bed as far away from Steve’s prone form as he could get. That didn’t last more than a few minutes.
Loki reached up and touched Steve’s jaw, then his lips. “I am not worth any kind of self-sacrifice, not to mention I would’ve been fine within thirty minutes.”
He sighed. It did absolutely no good to get himself worked up.
There was a quiet knock at the front door. He barely heard it. Standing, and—self-conscious as ever— he pulled on a moss green t-shirt and went to the door.
“Thor,” Loki sighed, opening it wider to allow his brother in.
“How is your captain,” Thor asked immediately. Loki led him into the kitchen, where he retrieved one of the beers Steve only kept around for Thor.
“He is as good as can be expected. He sleeps, for now. They have him on a midgardian medicine for pain, my seidr is working the rest. I’m sure it's rather peaceful,” Loki said with a bitter smile.
“I understand why you take issue with his actions,” he started, and Loki cut him off.
“Do not let there be a ‘but’, brother-”
“But,” Thor insisted, and Loki sighed, leaning back against the fridge and crossing his arms over his chest. “He has his own...agency.” Thor’s brow furrowed. “Look, brother, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Take it as a sign of how much he cares for you,” Thor lifted the beer to his lips.
“Yes, that’s the problem,” Loki grumbled. He wasn’t particularly fond of Thor trying to unravel his emotions, and was too exhausted to fight him much on it.
Thor saw this, and gave him a smile. “He loves you, Loki. I can think of no finer man for my brother than he,” he grinned and lifted up his beer slightly. “Don’t screw it up.”
“Thank you, as ever, for the vote of confidence.”
--
“Loki...Loki…”
Loki blinked twice, and then he was awake.
“Steven?” He rolled over and Steve turned his head slightly to look at him. They were only about twenty hours into their forty-eight, and Steve was supposed to be under for all of it.
“Hurts,” Steve breathed.
“What hurts,” Loki asked, shifting over to him. Steve’s brow was creased, and his hand reached for Loki’s, guiding it to where he’d been gouged in the side. “Okay, let’s see what we can do about that, hm,” he asked, faking every ounce of reassurance he could. Now, if only he could channel his mother because he’d never really focused on the healing arts, especially not without a soul forge.
Still, Loki knew how to wield his power and he eased Steve’s pain as best he could. “Rest, captain,” he murmured when he was done, chancing a kiss to his lips.
Steve hummed. “Loki,” he breathed, before Loki put him under once more.
--
Loki spent the day carefully wrapped around Steve, dozing and dreaming of his beloved. Upon waking and sitting up sometime in the evening, he sensed someone in their apartments. “Jarvis,” he murmured softly, standing and summoning his dagger.
“It is Miss Romanoff, Loki,” Jarvis said in a tone that was remarkably placating.
Loki sighed softly and his dagger disappeared. “Of course it is,” he muttered, quietly opening the door and slipping out of the bedroom.
“You know, you guys have the best kitchen in the whole building,” Natasha called from where she was bent over looking through the contents of their refrigerator.
“Well, cooking for myself and the captain is the only way to avoid either of us getting sick from what passes as food on this planet,” Loki’s sneer was absent but his disdain was not.
Natasha just laughed. “Like Asgard had an array of culinary choices, if Thor’s tales are anything to go by,” she teased, coming up with a smoothie and flashing Loki a smile.
“Touche,” Loki murmured, sitting down at the kitchen island. He’d never say as much, but if he had to pick a favorite avenger that he wasn’t in love with, it would probably be the widow.
“How’s he doing,” she asked gently, summoning her caring sister persona, as Loki referred to it, in his own mind.
“He woke earlier. He’s too strong and stubborn for his own good. That, or my seidr is abysmally inadequate in this arena.” Loki sighed, crossing his arms on the marble table top.
“You know you’re too hard on yourself, right,” Natasha commented. Loki merely sighed and shrugged, a habit he’d picked up from Steve.
“Steve deserves better,” Loki grit his teeth, annoyed with himself for sharing such a thing even though he trusted Natasha. Mostly.
She took a slow sip of her smoothie. “You know what he’d say about that, if he heard you,” she pointed out.
Sighing again, Loki nodded. “I know, he wouldn’t be impressed and I’d probably get another talking to,” he laughed, and Natasha chuckled.
“And he’d be right.” Natasha thinned her lips. “Look, I know you joining the team wasn’t the most popular decision Steve’s ever made, but you’ve proven yourself. Even Thor is starting to trust you again. You should, too. Trust yourself.”
Loki’s lips twitched into a smile. “My mother once accused me of a similar thing. She was right then, you’re correct now.” He could admit it in the comfort of his own home, with someone who’d saved his backside on a few of occasions. “But...you know I’ll never feel worthy of him.” Loki looked up, hopeful his vulnerability wouldn’t get trampled on.
Natasha merely smiled. “The whole world tends to feel that way about Steve. You’re not alone in that, trust me,” she said, smile wry but understanding.
Loki narrowed his eyes. “You’re not here for him, are you,” he accused. Natasha just grinned and shrugged one shoulder on her way to the door.
“Have Jarvis lockdown your rooms. You both deserve it,” she said, giving him a wave before pushing the front door open.
Loki got up and returned to the bedroom, asking Jarvis that they not be disturbed. He was pleased to see Steve still comatose, a little color having returned to his cheeks.
Loki snuggled up to Steve’s side and wrapped an arm low over his hips so as not to disturb his wound. “I love you,” he whispered, soft and fragile.
--
There was a projector that allowed Jarvis to play whatever they wished on the wall in the bedroom. After another couple hours of laying with Steve, and binge watching HGTV, Loki knew he needed to start taking care of himself.
It was a skill he barely had a grasp of, yet, but he was getting better.
First, he ate. He even made himself a balanced meal; eggs, some toast, cubed ham and a chopped up apple.
Next came a shower, which was glorious. He appreciated baths, but he’d learned that a shower simply left him feeling more clean and refreshed.
He knew Steve would be proud of him. Loki rolled his eyes at himself as he leaned down to wash his feet.
Loki used his magic to dry his hair and clothe himself, in a fitted black button down with the sleeves rolled up, and a pair of stylish dark washed jeans.
He was glad of it, as Dr. Cho knocked on the front door as he stepped out of the bedroom. “Doctor,” he greeted.
She stepped inside, toting a small bag. “He’s still technically my patient. I just need to check his vitals.”
“By all means,” Loki said, closing the door behind her.
Steve was still resting, and Loki influenced his magic to be a little stronger. He didn’t want the check up to disturb his sleep.
“Is he,” she trailed off, setting down her bag and opening it. The first thing she did was sharply poke his toe, not expecting Steve the twitch it caused. “He’s not in a coma,” she pointed out, glaring at Loki.
He held up his hands. “There’s no need. He sleeps deeply, as in hibernation. It is better for his mind.”
“...magic,” Dr. Cho grumbled, then proceeded to check his temperature, O2 levels, and blood pressure. Loki smothered a smirk, watching.
“He’s improved significantly. I’d keep him under until morning, just to help the serum work.” Dr. Cho recommended and Loki gave her a nod.
“Will do,” he said, walking her out.
A pause, and then a sigh. “You’re not fooling anyone,” Loki murmured to himself. As much as he wanted to perhaps read a book and relax, or hell, even go investigate what his brother was up to, all his body yearned to do was crawl into bed.
He didn’t deserve it, he thought.
But the more he thought, the angrier he got. Why would Steve risk his life so readily, over something Loki knew Steve would know wouldn’t’ve killed him?
Loki stripped out of his clothes and gave in to his desire to be near to Steve. He could sense the magic humming between them, an unseen tether that kept Steve grounded. It was a part of him, and now it was a part of Steve.
He didn’t know the why. Loki could guess, and none of the answers were ones he liked. When he relaxed, he couldn’t unsee it, unhear it; the bus crashing onto his beloved. Loki’s arm snaked over Steve’s chest and he let out a shuddering breath.
“Damn you, Steven Rogers. You charm me, you court me, you convince me I have value, but I’m far too depraved for the world to lose you on my behalf.”
Steve didn’t respond, of course, and Loki pulled himself away. He sat on the edge of the bed, on his side of it, and raked his fingers into his hair. “Damn,” he whispered.
--
There was nothing for it; he called Thor.
His brother was happy to keep him company, Loki discovered, and Thor didn’t pry for once. They spoke over wine and cider in the living room. Finally, Loki brought up the subject as he swirled his wine.
“I should leave him.”
Thor stilled, and then slowly set his cider down. “You want to leave your captain,” he echoed in a sort of wary surprise.
“No, you oaf, I didn’t say I wanted to, I said I should.” A beat. “There’s a difference.”
“Ehh, not really,” Thor responded, holding his hand out flat and tilting it from side to side.
“I love him, I wish to be with him. But the responsible thing to do would be to leave him. I cannot stand by while he throws himself into possibly mortal danger--”
“But he is mortal, Loki.” Thor interrupted him. “What is it you once said to me, ‘this day or the next’? ‘You’ll never be ready for it’? Any of this ringing a bell?”
Loki rolled his eyes. “Yes, of course, he will eventually perish, as we all will. What is your point?”
“That he is the man he is, Loki. That’s part of what makes him strong, and part of what makes him who he is. You profess to love him--”
“Don’t you question my love for him, Odinson,” Loki sniped; Thor didn’t back down.
“You profess to love him yet you speak as though you don’t truly know him.”
Loki glared. “I do know him. I know him very well. I know him intimately thank you very much…”
“Alright, alright, I get it. I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so surprised. He does this routinely, granted the consequences this time seem a little more...intense than usual,” Thor spoke.
“Not counting the incident with the plane in the ice.” With a sharp smile, Loki and his wine leaned back in the armchair he was sat in. “This he did for me,” he said. “I know it. I saw the look in his eyes right before. It was the same I would’ve worn had our positions been reversed, as they should’ve been,” Loki argued without sounding confrontational.
Thor laughed. “You think yourself indestructible, Loki. You are not,” he said, and Loki grit his teeth and cut his gaze to the side.
“Ever do you think me so weak,” Loki snapped.
“No, you’re stronger than you know,” spoke Steve from the bedroom doorway. Loki was on his feet immediately, and in Steve’s personal space.
“Elskan, how are you awake? You should not be. Dr. Cho was very spec--”
Steve answered him with a close mouthed kiss. Thor smirked and averted his eyes.
“I’m sure she was very strict in her instructions,” Steve said. His smile was a little wan, enough that Loki put on his most stern face.
“Uh-oh. He’s likely to start stabbing you to get you to do what he wants, soon,” Thor called. Steve laughed and Loki, again, glared.
“As the midgardian folk are fond of saying, Thor, go fuck yourself.” That got an uproarious laugh out of his brother, which just made Loki roll his eyes.
“I’ll get out of your hair,” Thor nodded to Steve, who nodded back, and let himself out.
Loki relaxed, incrementally. He regarded his lover. “You’re meant to be resting, recuperating.” Looking down, he realized Steve would’ve had to have taken out the IV line. Sure enough, it was missing.
“I did plenty of that, thanks to you mostly,” Steve smiled, but nodded. “I was just trying to get you to come back to bed with me,” he admitted, reaching up to touch two fingers to his jaw.
Loki’s smile relaxed. He was a sucker for Steve’s attentions. “Don’t think we’re not having a chat about this,” he said.
“Oh, of that I have no doubt,” Steve replied, getting back into bed in just his boxers.
Loki nodded, then joined Steve in bed. “Is this alright,” he asked softly as he settled his head on Steve’s broad chest.
“Of course,” Steve murmured, and kissed the top of his head.
“Chat tomorrow,” Loki hummed. Steve stroked his hand into his hair, and Loki drifted off to sleep.
--
Chatting quickly turned into shouting. “You’re mortal, you don’t seem to understand that,” Loki shouted.
“Why do you always have to remind me how inadequate I am,” Steve shot back.
“Because you think you’re invincible! Because you don’t think when you’ve decided I’m in danger. Do you get--”
“Yes, I get it, I’m dating a damned deity. I’ve come to terms with that.” Steve crossed his arms over his chest with a deep frown.
“...what is that supposed to mean?” Loki felt like the wind had gone out of his sails.
“Loki, you’re...you’re a god, that's--”
“Steven, no, I’m not--”
“It doesn’t matter. Whether you are technically immortal or not, you can do things that are just...miraculous.” Steve’s brow furrowed, because Loki had tears running down his cheek.
“Like survive getting crushed!” The tears were running freely, now, and Loki stepped up to Steve, using his height and grasping his shoulders. “You could’ve been crushed to death, Steve.”
Swallowing hard, Steve slowly nodded. “I couldn’t stand the idea of you getting...smushed. I reacted to that fear. You would do the same for me.”
“Loving each other isn’t a competition,” Loki said softly, ignoring his tears still, and cupping the back of his neck. Steve reached up and did the same, mirroring Loki’s actions. Loki watched as his eyes softened.
“You’re right. I won’t...I’ll remember, in the future.” Steve seemed somewhat morose, and Loki’s smile flickered.
“I love you, elskan, even if you drive me around the bend,” Loki’s tease came with a smile, and Steve laughed, looking down and then back up through his lashes. That’s how Loki knew all was well, and he visibly relaxed. Loki tugged at his hand, towards the bathroom. “C’mon, let me care for you.”
Steve took his hand and kissed the back of it. “No, let me take care of you,” he insisted.
Loki tilted his head to the side a moment, but then it dawned on him what he meant. “Oh, Steven you’re recovering it’s not--”
Steve placed his finger to Loki’s lips. “Your magic nap did a world of good. I need to touch you, feel you.”
Loki smiled. “Well, my captain, when you put it that way how is a man to resist.”
They got under the hot spray of the shower. Hands roamed, reconnecting and recalling an intimacy Loki had always craved but never hoped he would earn.
He nearly lost it, and Loki hiccupped on a sob, the memory of what had happened flashing before him again. Trauma.
“Oh, Loki,” Steve whispered and pulled him into his arms. Loki buried his face against Steve’s neck and let the fear roll through him, to seep out of his pores and swirl down the drain and out of his system.
He felt exhausted, but better. Loki stepped back and took Steve’s hands in his for a moment, looking him over. Steve was bruised and battered still, but he was whole. Alive.
“I will only have you for so long, Steven. I can’t lose you so soon.” Loki swallowed hard, needing Steve to understand. Slowly, his captain nodded.
“I’ll be more careful, I promise,” Steve said, kissing Loki’s knuckles.
Nodding, Loki cupped his jaw. “Please only break that promise if you need to save the world. That’s all I’ll allow,” he smiled bitterly, knowing it could come to that as quickly as tomorrow.
Loki kissed Steve hard, and deep, and taking their time, they took care of each other.