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Dean has been going out more recently. He tells me that he's just taking up on more jobs, and I know he's never done anything to hurt me, but I can't help but think of the possibilities.
I looked back down at the bottle in my hands. My eyes scanned my scarred wrists. I'm human now, so Dean thinks these are from past events with other angels, demons, as so on. In reality they're from when I wasn't in such a great place. My eyes wandered back up to the bottle, I put some pills in my hand and stared at them. I poured the rest from the bottle into my hand expecting them to tell me not to take them, that there's something worth staying around for. Someone.
But instead they screamed at me to swallow them. Rid them from the orange bottle and allow them to take my life instead.
There's a million other ways to do this. Dean lives in the bunker, he has guns lying around everywhere, food that have probably been sitting there for so long that they'd probably kill me. But I've chosen this. Pills. I had no idea what would happen or how long it would take to work. This was going to be interesting.
I brought the pills up to my mouth when I froze. What would Dean think when he comes home. Dean.
Am I seriously doing this? Suddenly this doesn't seem like such a good idea. I closed the pills in my hand and dropped my arms, in my other hand was the bottle. Tears flowed down my cheeks and the hand holding the bottle raised and violently wiped my face and rested on top of my head. Loud sobs escaped my lips and I turned away from the door.
The door swung open and Dean stood there bloodied still and a bouquet of black roses.
"Cas! Babe, I brought you--"
He said as soon as I threw the pills across the war room as hard as possible, them flying everywhere.
He dropped the flowers and ran towards me. My knees buckled and he dropped to the floor in front of me.
"What did you do?! Castiel! Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid, please!"
Sobbing, I managed to say something
"I... I...,"
"Cas, please. You didn't..." He kneeled in front of me and put his hands on both of my arms
"I love you," I confessed, for the first time. I couldn't look at him and let my feet speed out of the bunker as I tried to compose myself. Closing the door behind me, I ran to the one place I knew would be open at this time, the liquor store. Once I reached my destination, I bought the biggest bottle of whiskey. And, without thinking, I walked straight back to the bunker. I tried to open the door, but it had locked behind me when I left so I slid down the wall and took a swig of whiskey and stared at the empty pill bottle. Out of another door on the side, I saw as Dean walked out the door with tears that he hasn't bothered to wipe away staining his skin.
"Fuck, Cas. What the fuck are you doing? I love you, you fucking dumbass." He swore to himself with the Impala's keys in his shaking hands.
He loved me?
"Dean?" My shaky voice managed to squeak out, a volume barely above a whisper.
Dean whipped around so fast, I actually thought he was possessed for a moment.
"Cas?! Castiel!" He exclaimed and sprinted over to me. "Thank God, you're okay." He took my face in his hands and stared into my eyes with his emerald ones. Looking at his poorly lit face, I started to cry again as another violent sob overcame my body. He let his body fall down and sat across from me. He put one hand around the back of my head, and the other on my back, pulling my face into his chest and rubbing circles into my back.
"Shhh, relax. It's okay. Tell me what you did.”
"I didn't take any, Dean. I almost did. I almost did." I shook my head against his clothes and my tears soaked the fabric.
"But you didn't. You're strong, okay? You're the strongest person I've ever met." He breathed out slowly. "Why?" He smiled and bopped my nose with his finger, causing me to finally smile and laugh. His eyes lit up at my laughter and he smiled up at me.
"You." I said simply. "I thought you were going around with other guys or girls, I... don't know It's not of import." I looked away.
"No, Cas. It is important. Why would you think that?" He frowned at me.
"It's just," I sighed and finally looked at him in the eyes. "You're always out on hunts. I was starting to think that you grew tired of me."
"Tired of you?" Dean scoffed. "Tired of y- how? How could I ever get tired of you. You make everything so fun and interesting. Even if we aren't doing anything, just being around you makes me so much happier. I-I can't explain it, I can't put how much you mean to me into words, Cas."
I looked down. "But you have to explain everything to me. I don't understand a lot of what goes on, Dean."
Dean smiled and sighed, then ran his hands through my hair and let his hand travel under my chin to hold it up and make me look at him.
"Yes I do, but I love doing it. You make me think about what I’m doing. Making you understand is amazing. The look on your face when you get it is beautiful. The look of curiosity you have when you ask me a question is... Just downright friggin' adorable. Baby, don't you ever think of yourself as a burden or a bother." He leaned down and placed his lips on my briefly. "I love you. Don't you dare forget that."
"I love you, Dean. I will never forget how you make me feel. I'm sorry I put you through this-"
"No. Uh-uh. Don't apologise for how you feel. Just, Cas, next time... Talk to me first."
"I will, Dean. I'm- uh. Thank you." I stopped myself from apologising again, he noticed and smiled slightly.
"Come here." He motioned for me to come closer. Once I did he pulled me into his lap, letting me lay on top of him. I wrapped my arms around his torso and he did the same, tugging at the hair on the base of my neck and rubbing circles on my back.