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Dear Panafeur, I was in class when It happened. One of our teachers were absent and I decided to try and make my day some what more tolerable by going on Ao3 and reading a world where you are possible for about the millionth time. I used to always misspell your name on the search box. I typed in Panafuer, u first and then the e, and nothing popped up. Then I typed the e first. Nothing popped up.
I knew it was the correct spelling. I knew I had gotten it right. I typed it again and again and again and by then I was panicking. I rushed onto your Tumblr, I typed in Savejones. Nothing popped up. I don’t think I can really describe how my heart sank. It wasn’t a usual sinking, It was as though something fast and sharp bit a huge part of myself and flew away, forever lost and gone. Immediately, the two years past flew into mind I saw all my moments of happiness and change, all those moments I got because of you. I saw my love at discovering a world where you are possible, I saw myself grinning and laughing at the joy it gave me, I saw myself sitting down just outside a movie theater and rambling on to my sister about how much I loved it, and showing her lines that I adored like "In the cold November drear.." "Are you adverse to murder?" and that beautiful nickname that I wont ever forget, "Kajie."
It was my bed time story. a world where you are possible. I read it every single day, read it at night, read it when I wanted to read something beautiful, read it when nothing was going right for me except for that awfully perfect story that I will never forget about until the day I die. And through that story I found others. Like the one where Jim invites Sebastian over to his house in Ireland for Christmas, and the one where Sebastian gets nervous over proposing and Jim guesses what he’s about to do before Sebastian even says it. The one where Jim talks about painting while in a car with Sebastian, the one where Jim has cancer and comes home, the one where Sebastian just sits and holds the urn because he can’t bare to do anything else. And one of the more recent ones where Sebastian sells his body and is confused by Jim who isn’t like any other. I even loved the non Mormor ones. Sherlock and Jim escaped from both their own worlds and travel around the globe together. Jim and Richard as children, trying to endure and end up escaping.
No one, no writer, no poet, no person has made me experience and feel that things you’ve given me. Sometimes during the day, I’ll have this urge to read a world where you are possible and all this heart wrecking sadness suddenly comes washing over me because I realize I’ll never be able to read it again. The only thing I can do is remember the scenes, remember the feeling it gave me when I first found out about it, remember the lines that are slowly fading away and now I can only remember a few. Dear Panafeur, I don’t know what happened. I hope that you are okay and still writing. It was sudden, and I know others are wondering as well. I hope one day you can come back. I hope one day I can reunite with the versions of those wonderful characters that you’ve given me. I hope you all the best in life. I owe everything good in my life to you.
Sincerely,
A Fan.