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The Year is 2017. It’s Christmas Day and Joel has to work. Someone has to to make this commercial holiday work. It’s not a big deal though. Joel works diligently all day, or at least until the 8-bit MST3K Love Theme ringtone starts playing.
“Hello?”
“Hey Joel. It’s Mike.”
“Oh, hey Mike. What’s up?”
“Nothing really. How are you holding up? Still at work?”
“Yeah. It kinda stinks that I can’t make my own hours like I did at the hot fish shop, but it’s a decent wage.”
The Year is 2016. Joel’s hot fish shop burns down, and while Mike is there as a friend. He can’t help but feel a little giddy. He was always jealous of that hot fish shop. It was a symbol of how much better at everything Joel was than Mike, and now, it’s gone. Burned to ashes.
Mike helps Joel get a new job. He doesn’t do it well, but he tries.
Joel eventually gets a job as a media technician. Mike is impressed. An inventor, a janitor, a hot fish shop owner, and now a media technician. Joel truly was a jack of all trades. Mike feels his envy growing again, but tries to quell it.
“How do you do it?” Mike asks. “Do you just not celebrate Christmas?”
“It’s not like you’ve always celebrated much either.”
The Year is 1991. Mike thanked his lucky stars he was able to get a day off for Christmas. He could spend it with his family. His boyfriend.
Well that was the plan anyway.
Instead he is lying in the darkness of his parents’ guest bedroom. The sheets, wet from his snot and tears. Here he is, dumped on Christmas Day. And to add insult to injury, his whole family called him out on ruining all the festivities. He wants to go somewhere else. Anywhere else. He starts to fantasize about what would happen if he just vanished. Would anyone look for him? Did it even matter? And if he came back, would they miss him?
“I know, but nowadays, I’m so used to celebrating, aren’t you?”
Joel laughs. “Is this about you or me?”
The Year is 1991. Joel and the bots are forced to watch Santa and his adventures outsmarting some… really stupid martians. But they make the best of it. Crow wrote a Christmas carol. It’s… certainly interesting. Not a bad Christmas overall, though Joel could have done without the cheesy movie.
Mike sighs. “Well I guess I’m not doing much either.”
“You miss the bots?”
Mike nods, realizing Joel can’t see him and then says “Yes.”
The Year is 1993. Mike wonders if the Christmas decorations were always up before Halloween. His girlfriend doesn’t seem to mind.
They haven’t been together long. Mike’s life is changing, all for the better. He has a promising temp job, a new girlfriend, and people don’t call him a sad sack anymore.
Well. Usually.
Mike can’t help but sigh as his girlfriend looks at the cute ornaments. He used to love Christmas, but now. Not so much.
“What’s wrong, sweetie? Not in the Christmas spirit?”
Mike forces a laugh. “Halloween is still a couple weeks away.”
She squints. “Something’s wrong. I can tell.”
“It’s no big deal. I just went through a bad break-up a couple Christmases ago.”
She makes a face like someone killed her pet cat. “Mike, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry! Let it be known that this, Michael J. Nelson, this Christmas will be your best Christmas ever!”
The Year is 1993. Mike’s girlfriend isn’t able to keep her promise.
“I’ve spent the last… who knows how many Christmases with the bots!” Mike confesses. “How did you do it when you escaped?”
The Year is 1993. Joel isn’t used to December being anywhere near this hot. Even when on the Satellite of Love, the temperature was always turned down just a little bit to get that comfy crisp feeling of the holidays.
But being in the southern hemisphere, the Australian Outback, this was different. It was summertime.
Joel eventually gets a ride from a group of pals in the spirit of the holidays. They look like they’re in their late teens or early twenties. The driver doesn’t say a word. The woman in the backseat is the first to speak up.
“Are you alright? You looked like you were going to die out there!”
“I’m fine,” Joel answers. “I’m just not used to the heat is all. Kinda more used to a Minnesota climate you know?”
“You’re from Minnesota?” the man sitting in shotgun asks.
“Sorta,” Joel says. “I’m from there, but I haven’t really lived there in a few years, and I’ve been hiking around the Outback for a few months now.”
The man sitting in shotgun only replies “Yikes.”
“So, where are ya headed?” the man in the backseat asks.
“Nowhere special,” Joel says. “I’ve kinda just been wandering.”
The man sitting in shotgun groans. “We had to get a wanderer, didn’t we?”
Joel is confused. “What does he mean?”
“Oh nothing,” the man in the backseat tried to comfort Joel, but acted more like he was comforting himself.
“Nothing except we’re horribly LOST and you were gonna be our ticket to finding society out here! Soon we’ll run out of gas, and we’ll be stranded, and I’ll be forced to eat Cameron!”
The driver, Cameron, still doesn’t speak, but puts their hand in the face of the man sitting in shotgun.
The man in the backseat tries to keep calm even though he’s getting nervous. “Don’t worry. We’ll probably be alright.”
Joel jumps, as another voice from behind joins the conversation. “Odds are we probably won’t be alright.”
The man in the backseat turns to the third row. “Oh sure, Ava, take Artie’s side! Tell us how we’re going to die out here in the blistering heat!”
“Guys please, calm down!”
“Gail, how can I calm down when I’m going to DIE OUT HERE?”
“We’re not all going to die, Thomas. One of us just needs to sacrifice ourselves for the sustenance of the rest, and Cameron’s the best option.”
Cameron stops the car as the friends continue quarreling.
Joel finally speaks up. “Ya know, I think there’s a gas station not too far away. You could probably ask for directions there.”
Thomas hugs Joel. “Oh thank you! We’re saved!”
Artie rolls his eyes. “I’m telling you, we woulda been fine if it came down to the worst. Well everyone but Cameron.”
Cameron points to the door and then points to Gail, gesturing that she should come up to the front seat. Artie groans and takes a seat by Joel. Cameron starts up the car and eventually Ava points out the gas station.
Gail fills up the tank while Cameron and Ava ask for directions and Thomas and Artie pick up the snacks.
When they all fill up the van again, Joel feels an odd sense of comfort for the first time since escaping the Satellite of Love. It was hard, leaving the bots, but the new friends Joel received this Christmas felt like home.
Joel falls asleep in the backseat of the van alongside Artie and Thomas. Cameron takes a candid shot when they come to a stop.
“I guess I made do,” Joel answers. Joel often wonders if those kids from so long ago were real or just some sort of mirage or dream, or just a lucky coincidence.
“Well I’m having a hard time ‘making do.’”
The Year is 1994. Joel is alone. The nice thing about spending Christmas alone is you don’t have to buy presents for anyone. The not nice thing is everything else.
Joel sits at a diner alone, lost in thought.
“Hey, you’re Joel, right?” A girl, not much older than 15, asks. “That guy who got stuck in space and had to watch bad movies?”
“Yeah, I guess I am.”
“You’re really funny. Can I have an autograph?”
Joel signs a napkin.
How could Joel forget, between the fanmail and constant reminders, that all the experiments on the Satellite of Love were broadcast for funding?
Joel feels a sense of hope and dashed home after eating, turning on the TV. Perhaps it’s pathetic, but at least Joel can see the bots again.
“They still broadcast the experiments, don’t they?” Joel asks.
“They do, but I’d probably feel jealous watching the new guy,” Mike admits.
“You weren’t jealous of me.”
Mike forces a laugh.
“Well if you don’t want to see the bots being broadcasted, why don’t you go visit your folks?” Joel suggests. “I’m sure they’d be happy to see you.”
“I guess… They’re just a bit…”
The Year is 1999. Mike Nelson cradles the invitation in his hands.
“A Nelson Family Christmas!” Mike exclaims. “I haven’t been to one of these since 1991.”
Servo looks at him. “But you got on the satellite in 1993.”
“Long story. So do you guys want to come?”
“This is going to be one of those things where we have no choice, isn’t it?” Servo asks.
“Uh, yeah. Pretty much.”
“Wow, sure Mike! I sure would love to meet your family!” Servo says in the most sarcastic voice possible.
Mike is excited. He’s six years overdue for that best Christmas ever his girlfriend promised, and while they aren’t seeing each other anymore, Mike keeps the words in his head after all these years. He hasn’t spoken with his family in a long time, and he figures with all of his loved ones in the same place, it is sure to be the best Christmas ever.
It isn’t.
The day of the party, Mike feels a little ill at ease. Most of his extended family, along with Eddie seem to not realize that he was gone. He remembers that Christmas so many years ago where he pondered if his family would miss him if he disappeared. Now that he knows the answer, he wonders if anything would change if he traveled back to 1991 and told that younger Mike.
On the other hand, his parents, particularly his mother, are being extremely overbearing. More so than usual. Mike appreciates that at least his parents miss him, but feels like their smothering nature is more suffocating than nurturing.
The Year is 1999. Mike and the bots are lying on the floor at Mrs. Nelson’s house, bored out of their minds. They do this for two more Christmases before Mike gives up.
“Oh yeah," Joel says. "I see why you wouldn’t want to do that.”
“Yeah, after the whole ‘being shot into space’ thing, I felt kind of on a different page with them.”
“Yeah, I kinda get that. Sometimes, people just aren’t the same as you remember, and you’re not the same as they remember.”
The Year is 2002. For the first time since he landed back on earth, Mike doesn’t spend Christmas with his family. Instead. He invites Joel over.
Every so often Mike and the bots see Joel, but not very, so Joel is surprised to receive the Christmas invitation.
“Hey Joel, glad you could make it!” Servo says as he hovers around the kitchen.
“It’s so good to see you again!” G greets.
Cambot nods at Joel and runs off to get Mike.
Crow walks in. “Hi.” Crow walks out.
“Hey Joel! Merry Christmas!” Mike says as he enters the room.
“Is Crow still mad at me?” Joel asks.
“He’ll be fine.” Servo says.
Mike seems less certain than Servo, but agrees.
“Should I maybe go talk to him?” Joel asks. “I don’t wanna ruin your Christmas or anything.”
“As if we’ve ever had a functional Christmas!” Servo laughs. “Listen to this one. The Year is 1998. Christmas morning. Apparently Pearl decided to send us a Christmas present and so we wake up and under the tree there’s nothing but a-“
“Servo no one wants to hear that story,” G says, almost wincing if her robotic face would let her. “It’s disgusting!”
Servo harrumphs, and Joel goes to look for Crow, finding him staring out the window at the dark Four-In-The-Afternoon sky.
Crow mumbles something. Joel picks up “wish I could tell…”
“Tell me what?”
“Wah!” Crow jumps. “Joel don’t sneak up on me like that!”
“Well, what did you wanna tell me?”
“I don’t wanna tell you anything.”
“Crow, I know you’re mad at me. Is it for leaving you back on the satellite?”
“No… Yes… It’s complicated. You wouldn’t get it.”
“Try me.”
Crow inhales deeply. This is gonna be a hard one to explain. “Where are you going to be 60-70 years from now, Joel?”
Crow interrupts before Joel can answer. “Dead, most likely. And some hopeful little Crow at the edge of the universe is gonna realize that and lose his mind. He’s never gonna see you again. He’s never gonna see anyone again. He has nowhere to go. He slowly loses his sanity. He doesn’t think to find anyone again because he’s pretty sure they’re all dead too!”
Joel laughs. “Is this from one of your screenplays, Crow? It sounds really good.”
“No, it really happened! And he stayed put for over 500 years. I was up there for 500 years, Joel! I don’t even know if I’m supposed to say anything to you about it because everyone else tries to act like it never happened! But it did, Joel. It. Did.”
Joel can’t speak.
“And then… Things got better. Then they got worse that Christmas where B-I’m getting off topic. But I was getting better. And then you came back! I didn’t believe it at first. I thought I was never going to see you again! Then you left. In retrospect, I should have expected it.”
“Crow, I’m so sorry…”
“No it’s not that. It’s just. I see you all the time now. I wish I could have saved him some of the anguish. He didn’t deserve any of that.”
“Maybe I could go visit him?” Joel suggests.
“If you visit him, then I wouldn’t be able to tell you this, and you’d never visit him.” Crow smirks. The bot sure knows his time travel. “Besides, you’d probably end up dead before you made it to the end of the universe anyway. I don’t need more mental anguish.”
“That’s pretty deep, Joel.”
“Eh, not really. I figure someone like you who’s wise with age would have something better.” Joel realizes something. “Wait a minute! You were alone in space for 500 years! What did you do then?”
“That was different!”
The Year is 2X?X. Mike doesn’t know how much time has passed. He doesn’t know where he is. Nowadays he goes with the flow. He doesn’t need to do anything. He only wants to do things. He’s traveled to countless planets, visited countless intergalactic tourist traps, celebrated countless holidays across all sorts of planets. Part of him longs for that hot cocoa, by the fire, warm ugly sweater time that Christmas always brought about again. But he’s alone now. He’s been alone for some time now. That’s okay. He’s having fun. He wouldn’t even know where to start finding everyone. Was his family still around? Were the bots?
Mike tries not to think about it. He’s just here to have a good time.
“I’ve… I’ve spent so many Christmases with the bots! And so have you. How are you so calm about this?”
“Well I…” Joel falters a bit. “I don’t know. I guess I just kind of. Go with the punches.”
Mike doesn’t notice. “You’re so okay with everything. I don’t get it.”
The Year is 1988. Joel asks G to turn down the temperature a few degrees. She is confused, but she does it.
Joel’s been acting really weird lately.
Servo doesn’t know too much about this; he’s new. But Crow, Cambot, and G realize the changes quickly.
A few days after Thanksgiving is when the changes start. Joel’s wardrobe, normally just jumpsuits, has become jumpsuits with ugly sweaters on top of them.
Hot cocoa is made much more often.
A tree pops up in the bridge. None of the bots know where this tree came from, but Joel is insistent on decorating it with orbs and candy, even though it is tedious.
Joel is hiding in the workshop. The bots, normally welcome to enter and leave as they please, are not allowed in.
It lasts for a month.
One morning, G wakes up to see an excited Joel hovering above her. G doesn’t feel like she’s has spent enough time in sleep mode, and from one look, doesn’t feel like Joel has spent any time in sleep mode.
She sees Cambot, Servo, and Crow, all looking exhausted.
What time is it?
Current Time: 7:34 AM CST.
G considers ignoring her creator and returning to sleep mode.
“Merry Christmas!” Joel cheers.
“What?” G asks.
“It’s another Thanksgiving with a different name,” Crow explains, drawing conclusions on his own.
“Do we have to make another turkey?” G asks.
“I’ve checked my databases,” Crow replies. “And I think this time we have to get a turkey to look at its shadow, and if he sees it we get six more months of Thanksgiving.”
“I don’t think we have enough Turkeys for 6 more months,” Servo says.
“Guys, Christmas isn’t another Thanksgiving,” Joel says. “It’s a totally different holiday! Come on, I’ll show you!”
Joel leads the bots to the bridge. Under the tree the bots could see all kinds of colorful boxes.
“Go on,” Joel says.
“Go on and what?” Servo asks.
“Take them. They’re yours.”
The bots grab as many of the boxes as they can, heading back to their own rooms and re-entering sleep mode.
Joel sighs and smiles. Guess Christmas will have to wait.
The Year is 1993. Mike wonders if he got his hopes up.
He isn’t one to celebrate Christmas nowadays. But his girlfriend. The bots. They all seemed so excited. They all were intent on making sure he had a good Christmas.
Sure he hasn’t seen his girlfriend in a few months, but he knows she would try for him.
And the bots. They did. They tried to get in contact with his family. And while that didn’t work out too well…
Maybe it was for the best.
He appreciates the effort.
He'll try his best to not be such a party pooper in the upcoming years.
“Well it’s usually because things always turn out okay,” Joel says.
Mike ponders.
The Year is 1997. It’s hard to have a nice Christmas when you’re always traveling.
The snowy planet below is blotched with bits of red and green.
Mike wants to go down to see it up close, but knows Pearl won’t allow it.
Mike feels like he’s been living a dream for the past few centuries. He knows this place doesn’t have Christmas. None of the planets he visited did. But it looks so…. Christmas-y!
Mike longingly stares down at the planet, imagining himself in that dream that ended not too long ago, exploring the planet. Perhaps he already did and forgot. Deep in thought, Mike ignores what the bots are doing.
“Say, Crow, where did you get these?” Servo asks, trying to get a present out of the closet.
“You know. Here and there. I got so many over the years I don’t really remember who got what, so I guess it’s free dibs.”
“Eugh, some of these stink!” G complains.
“Yeaaaaaaah, there might be food in those ones,” Crow says. “We can drop em!”
“Bombs away!”
Suddenly everyone is evacuating the planet. Mike sees ships escaping by the dozens. He watches Pearl's van fly by as she yells... something. Mike can't hear her from the satellite, but has a clue what she may be saying from the middle finger and the film reel she is violently pointing to.
He doesn’t think he did anything this time.
Mike turns around to see the satellite, all decorated, covered in gifts, cozy and inviting. How long had he been staring at that planet?
“Merry Christmas Mike!”
"Wow guys! This looks incredible!"
For the first time in centuries, Mike spends the holidays with the bots. It feels so comfortable, as if they never left, and nothing ever changed. For the first time in years, Mike felt like he was spending the holidays right.
The Year is 2003. Joel comes over again. The group starts a tradition. Every year Joel comes over for Christmas.
The Year is 2004. Servo tries to create a popular Christmas carol. He is overshadowed horribly by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and swears vengeance will be his.
The Year is 2005. Mike convinces Servo not to kidnap Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.
The Year is 2006. Crow writes a screenplay for a Christmas film. He considers Servo for the lead role, but eventually ends up casting Nick Lachey. Servo loses it and sabotages the film.
The Year is 2007. Joel jokingly suggests they do an invention exchange instead of a present exchange. Mike vehemently rejects this idea.
The Year is 2008. G starts up a charity fund to help those less fortunate.
The Year is 2009. Cambot sells candid photo calendars in order to save money and help those less fortunate.
The Year is 2010. Mike refuses to watch Christmas with the Kranks.
The Year is 2011. Mike somehow ends up watching Christmas with the Kranks.
The Year is 2012. Crow toasts to surviving the end of the world.
The Year is 2013. Everyone realizes how old they’ve all gotten and laughs.
“I mean it’s turned out okay so far…” Mike says. “But how do I know it’ll still turn out okay?”
“You just have to have hope. I mean, you wanna see the bots again right?”
“Yeah.”
“And you’d go through any obstacle to see them if you could, right?”
“Of course.”
“Sometimes that’s all ya need, Mike. Sometimes you just have to wish for something and it’ll come true.”
“You sound like a fairytale,” Mike can’t help but laugh.
“Maybe it’s the little bit of Christmas spirit I have left trying to escape my soulless husk of a working-on-Christmas body. Just, don’t treat this like the end, because it isn’t. I assure you you’ll be able to spend another Christmas with the bots again. Someday.”
“You sure?” Mike asks.
“I swear it,” Joel replies.
“Yeah…” Mike realizes. “You escaped… I escaped… There’s no reason this new guy would be any different! And the bots can come back!”
“That’s the spirit! Think forward! Think about future Christmases!”
“Yeah! There’s no reason I won’t be able to see the bots next year if I tried hard enough!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
This goes on much longer than it should.
“Ye-Hey Mike. Sorry to end the call like this, but I really need to get back to work.”
“Oh, alright. It was nice talking to you.” Mike is sincere. He really does feel better thanks to Joel.
“You too. See ya.”
“Bye.”
Joel hangs up and presses a button.
“Calling Moon 13.”
Joel has to wait a while before the transmission turns on, showing a disgruntled Max.
“Listen, subordinate,” Max says, “this had better be good. I’m under a lot of stress right now, what with this whole Kinga marrying Jonah thing. So help me if this is some inane crap, I will shoot you out the airlock. I don’t care if you’re the first host.”
“Say Max,” Joel says, “Kinga’s looking for a way to boost ratings, right?”
“Yeah.”
“I just got off the phone with Mike. He said he’d do just about anything to see the bots again if he could. So how about we do a little reunion?"