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It’s not like Jungkook’s a robot without any feelings, it’s just easier to pretend that he is rather than having to go in detail about what is bothering him. He’s been able to dismiss any accusations that came from Taehyung of someone bothering him or being too tired for practice by telling him that he’s just coming down with a cold. That wasn’t a lie, really. He did feel a sickness coming on from going outside without the proper attire for the winter when they were touring different countries. But that wasn’t the only thing on his mind.
See, there was this guy that would not leave his thoughts no matter how loud he played his music. Even when he had his headphones in and the volume all the way up, he’d still think about him. Jungkook isn’t sure if it’s a crush or just a small fixation that he sometimes gets with people. He’s leaning towards the latter because there was no way he was gay.
Who was he kidding, though? The blush on his face was definitely not from the heat in the room, but from the guy he finds oh-so amazing. And he was. Jungkook didn’t know anyone else who could balance being a leader and a rapper and a dancer and an idol (and sometimes vocalist) all at once while simultaneously looking extremely attractive?
Only Namjoon was capable of all that, plus a lot more, including making Jungkook smile in his sleep as he thought about how cool his leader was. Did he mention that Namjoon was attractive already? Well, it’s true. Things that are true should be repeated over and over again. Or maybe just that his leader is really sexy.
Especially when he’s dancing. Jungkook focuses on his own parts but always manages to glance at his leader. Namjoon never ceases to amaze him. If he didn’t know how much trouble Namjoon had with dancing, he would have guessed he had been doing it all his life because he’s able to keep up with Hoseok and Jimin and Jungkook, and they’re very good dancers. His leader always tries his best and his hard work really does pay off in the end.
Jungkook is a little terrified that one of these days he’s going to let his secret crush show. It didn’t matter if one of the other members found out because at least then it wasn’t the object of his affection. He didn’t even know what he was going to do when Namjoon found out. He’d been hoping that he’d be somehow work up the courage to just tell him, but he had to be realistic here. When was he even going to have that opportunity anymore? They were roommates, so he did have a small chance. But when the door is shut and he’s alone with him, Jungkook’s mind goes blank and all he can do is sigh quietly and lay on his bed. That’s when he usually tries to make himself snap out of it by listening to music. It never works.
Today was very much the same as any other day. Namjoon was already in their room when Jungkook entered, and this was normal. Jungkook offered him a smile that meant so much more than Namjoon would have ever thought. His leader smiled and waved to him, then pulled out his phone. Jungkook went straight to his bed and shut his eyes. He needed a nap. Preferably a stress free one, if that was even possible.
Whether it be from his mind racing or his heart beating really fast, Jungkook couldn’t fall asleep. Namjoon, Namjoon, Namjoon. That’s all he was thinking about. Oh hell, he wasn’t even fooling himself anymore. He was so fucking gay.
The realization startled him even though he knew it to be true and suspected it before. It sent him into a coughing fit. It was getting hard to breathe after a minute and he looked to Namjoon’s bed only to see that he wasn’t there anymore. Jungkook put both his hands on his mouth and tried to stop.
Was this his growing sickness or because he choked on saliva? He may never know. Either way, he did manage to relax himself and stop coughing. The door opened and he saw Namjoon coming in with a glass of water. He handed it over, a somewhat worried look on his face as he watched Jungkook chug the whole thing and wipe his mouth and hand the glass back when he was done.
“Are you okay?”
Jungkook nodded. If he said anything he knew he’d stutter, something he did in situations that involved his crushes. It’s happened before, but it wouldn’t be as bad as it would be right now. He wouldn’t be able to get a word out. So he remained quiet, staring at the floor.
Namjoon sat down on the bed and put a hand on his shoulder. Jungkook visibly flinched and he took his hand back. Jungkook regretted it and wanted to put his hand back on him because my god he really wanted to be touched by him.
“Are you really okay?” Namjoon was obviously not convinced anymore after Jungkook’s reaction to him touching him. “Have I done something to upset you?”
Jungkook shook his head. “It’s not you. It’s me.”
“You sound like you’re breaking up with me.” He joked, shifting uncomfortably on the bed. Whether that was physical uncomfortness or because of the tension filled atmosphere, Jungkook didn’t know.
“What’s going on? You can tell me anything.”
Any other time those words were applicable. Literally every other time. Not this time. Jungkook couldn’t tell him. He wasn’t ready and it wasn’t the right time. Not three in the afternoon on a warm and sunny Tuesday in June. That’s not how he pictured the day to be.
Ideally, Jungkook would have gotten Namjoon alone after one of their group dinners on a cold Friday night in November. He would be able to handle it if he had the cold to help numb himself from the rejection he knew he was going to face.
“I like someone that I’m not supposed to.” Jungkook hoped that would suffice.
But he was wrong. In fact, it only seemed to excite Namjoon. “Is it someone from another label? Who? I bet we could make some kind of secret arrangement for you two. You look so down.”
“It’s not someone from a different label.” Jungkook sucked in a breath, knowing he was potentially destroying everything because of some stupid uncontrollable crush he wasn’t supposed to have on his leader. “It’s you.”
“You’ve completely taken over my life. I can’t go one second without thinking about you and it really can’t be healthy at this point but I can’t help myself. You don’t even realize what you do to me when you dance, even when you rap, and god, when you sing it literally feels like heaven. I’m sorry if I just made things unforgivably awkward, but I just needed you to know.”
Namjoon blinked.
Jungkook took this as a negative sign and jumped up. “I can switch rooms if you like, it’s no big deal! I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable at all, or pretending that everything’s ok just to spare my feelings-”
“You like me? Me? I’m the one you like?” Namjoon finally responded, cutting him off and making him nod. “I can’t believe it. Jeon Jungkook, the golden maknae, likes me of all people.”
“How could I not? Haven’t you ever paid attention to yourself and realized what a fucking catch you are?” Jungkook sat back down, determined to bring Namjoon’s confidence up even though it was entirely the wrong time to do so. Carefully, he brought a finger up to Namjoon’s cheek and smiled. “You’re amazing.”
Namjoon was getting embarrassed and Jungkook could tell by the way he grabbed Jungkook’s finger and squeezed his hand, covering his face with his other one. Suddenly the intense fear that Jungkook was feeling five minutes ago had turned into bliss and happiness. He was happy that Namjoon wasn’t running away.
At least that was a start.