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Yoongi had wanted to protect Jungkook. That was all.
He was young, Jungkook, and the world had already been so cruel to him. Neglected by his parents, shunned by his peers and dismissed by his teachers, Jungkook’s life rarely took a good turn. That might have been why Jungkook took to Yoongi so easily - they were the same.
Yoongi had never learned to control his self destructive impulses; how was he supposed to be expected to teach Jungkook to control his?
“I’ve got a story,” Jungkook declared. “One that will change the world, I swear it.”
“Mmm?” was Yoongi’s response. The warmth of Jungkook resting on his bare chest made him sleepy. “Whas’it?”
“Suicidal asshole tries to talk suicidal teenager out of killing himself. It doesn’t work and suicidal teenager kills himself. No one notices and suicidal asshole ends up being even more of an asshole to people because suicide isn’t the eyeopener that people try to make it out to be.”
“Interesting.” (Jungkook has always been horrifically morbid. It was no surprise people his age didn’t want to be around him.) “Wouldn’t suicidal asshole just kill himself too?”
“Nah, he’s too dead inside to even bother. Too much energy is needed to kill yourself.” Jungkook explained as if everything he said made total sense. There was never a normal way of looking at things in Jungkook’s mind.
“So, by this logic,” Yoongi mused, “is suicidal asshole more depressed than suicidal teenager?”
Jungkook shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Suicidal teenager had the courage to off himself. That’s the point.”
“It’s a courage thing now? Thought it was about energy?”
“It is and it isn’t.”
Yoongi could never understand Jungkook. He was a strange kid in many ways and it probably should have been obvious that he couldn’t be saved. It should have been clear that even Yoongi, who Jungkook would do anything for, couldn’t stop what was inevitable. The problem was that Jungkook didn’t want to be saved - nothing could change that fact.
Jungkook hadn’t been old enough to be in the bar, but he had a fake ID and an aged look on his face. The bouncers barely gave him a second glance. Yoongi, however, knew immediately that Jungkook didn’t belong. He knew because, three years ago, he too was a seventeen year old sneaking into places he was not allowed to be.
“McDonalds is a few doors down, kiddo,” Yoongi had said to him. Jungkook frowned but looked inquisitive. “You should be hanging there with the other emo teenagers instead of in a bar with sad adults.”
“Who says I’m not a sad adult too?” Jungkook frown morphed into a glare
“I’m not stupid and I know you’re not old enough to be here.” It was hard for Yoongi not to notice the tenseness of Jungkook’s shoulders and the way he was beginning to lean away, as if he was ready to bolt out the door. “Calm down, kid. I’m not gonna tell.”
Jungkook loosened up a little bit, but not much. It took another two weeks of sitting together in that grimy, dodgy pub for Jungkook to initiate the conversation first. That was progress in Yoongi’s mind. He found out soon enough that Jungkook wasn’t completely antisocial - he was >shy. I have a story, he mumbled to Yoongi one night in that God forsaken bar, where this kid is somewhere he shouldn’t be and the reason he keeps coming back is for this random guy he met there.
Yoongi loved Jungkook. He adored him, would give anything for him, but he couldn’t show it. Loving someone was hard when you also loved self destruction. Destroying yourself often including destroying those you love. To love is to destroy. Yoongi tattooed that phrase on his wrist once Jungkook left. He needed to remind himself that it was his fault.
They had good days. Wonderful days. They were few and far between but Yoongi loved nothing more than the days when Jungkook smiled while they kissed. Jungkook had the loveliest smile; a toothy grin with a sweet little overbite. His eyes creased at the corners and his eyes were filled with the stars of the galaxy. He was beautiful. Too beautiful.
They had so many bad days. Days where one or the other spiralled down, their minds ending up in the darkest of places. Even after a year, neither of them really knew how to deal with each other’s breakdowns. They could barely deal with their own ones.
Fights were the worst. Yoongi drank a lot, Jungkook cried a lot, everything felt like it would never get better. Yoongi remembered their last fight all too well. He hated thinking about it, yet it was all he heard whenever he closed his eyes. It made him want to die. Jungkook was right though - he didn’t have the energy to even try end his life.
“I have another story.”
Yoongi turned to face Jungkook. There had to be something on his mind before Jungkook started his stories. He liked his stories a lot. They were always based off his life, but he talked about them as if they weren’t. Escapism tactic, maybe. “Tell me about it then.”
“So there’s this guy and he’s maybe into other guys. He has this weird kind of relationship with this man he met in a pub and they live together and he likes him kind of a lot. Like, lots, I guess.” Jungkook’s fingers met Yoongi’s skin, his touch still so hesitant. “Some people he is vague acquaintances with sees a photo of them together on his phone and threaten him about it. The guy is kinda scared and kinda wants to die.”
Yoongi held Jungkook’s hand against himself. “These people. Does the roommate slash boyfriend know them?”
“No.” Jungkook shook his head. “The guy kinda just wants someone to know. He might tell his roommate slash boyfriend.”
“He should.” Yoongi said, finally tugging on Jungkook’s hand to pull him closer. He got this weird feeling sometimes that Jungkook might up and disappear. He rarely acted on this feeling but tonight was a special exception.
That was the first time they had ever said the word “boyfriend” aloud. Before, it hadn’t seemed right to say it. Their relationship was too messed up for such a casual term, but they had always thought about it. It was something they just couldn’t bring themselves to say. Yoongi wishes it had been different - that he could have called Jungkook his boyfriend, would have held his hand more in public, had kissed him just a few more times.
There was a pier, thirty minutes away from where they lived. One time, they got the bus early in the morning after a night of no sleep, Jungkook anxious and scratching at his cheeks. Yoongi never tried to stop him from doing it but maybe he should have. Jungkook ended up with a tiny scar on his right cheek, hardly noticeable to anyone who wasn’t the two of them. Sometimes, Yoongi would catch Jungkook attempting to cover it with concealer. He would walk out the bathroom, ignoring the clenching in his chest.
It was cold beside the water and Jungkook shivered violently as they drew nearer. Yoongi wanted to wrap an arm around him. He tossed the idea around in his head for a moment and decided that he couldn’t do it.
“Can I tell a story?” Of course he wanted to tell a story.
“Yes.”
“A robot boy who thought he had no feelings feels like he has feelings. He kinda loves this other robot boy who probably doesn’t have feelings at all and probably only keeps the robot boy with maybe feelings around for company.” Jungkook stared out at the grey ocean and chewed on his lip. His lips were getting badly chapped, Yoongi noticed.
“How does he know the other robot boy doesn’t have feelings at all?” Yoongi asked, curling his fingers around the wood of the pier they sat on. Their feet were dangling over the ledge, the water below trying it’s best to reach them and pull them under to their watery graves. Heaven knows that might have been the best situation for them both.
“Because he doesn’t touch robot boy unless robot boy touches him first. He doesn’t love robot boy unless robot boy loves him first. Robot boy thinks he doesn’t love him at all.”
Jungkook was so insecure, even after so long, after so many good and bad nights together. He needed someone who could give him the affection and attention he deserves. He needed someone who wasn’t afraid to love him, to show him that he loved him.
Too bad, Yoongi was selfish. Too bad, he wouldn’t let Jungkook go. He held onto Jungkook so tightly that he killed him.
Their last fight was over something stupid. Yoongi was spiralling again, Jungkook just wanted a night of peace. It was perhaps the one night Jungkook felt calm within, no storm swirling inside him. He wanted to enjoy it. Trust Yoongi to have a bad night and take Jungkook’s life on the one night Jungkook wanted to live.
Story time.
A boy wants a night in with his boyfriend. His boyfriend is drinking and shouting about how he’s sick of everything. The boy tries to calm him down but his boyfriend pushes him away. His boyfriend yells at him, wishes him gone, wants to be left alone. The boy feels his heart twist and command his feet to run out of the flat as quickly as possible. The boy flees. His boyfriend smashes a bottle.
The boy who was fine for a while is no longer fine. He wants to die. He would do anything for his boyfriend, and if his boyfriend wanted him gone, then he would go.
His boyfriend doesn’t hear about his death until two days later. He didn’t even try to look for the boy. He just assumed he’d come back.
Yoongi looks out across the same stupid grey ocean that he once looked out over with Jungkook. He considers letting the icy water drag him down. He considers jumping. Then he turns away.
Jungkook was right. It would take too much energy.