Chapter Text
“I’m Rey,” she said with a grin, extending her hand to the handsome pilot before her.
“I know,” he replied, eyes swimming with a charm that seeped through his smile, his dimples, the little gap in his teeth. Her heart gave a leap as he took her hand, and she grinned even wider. She withdrew her hand but tried to cling to the warmth that she felt here, in this moment, surrounded by people who cared about her. Good people. Brave people.
But underneath that warmth was an emptiness, a loneliness that she couldn’t escape. She glimpsed Finn’s gentle care for Rose and hugs between Resistance members she had yet to meet. She saw their affection, deep and true despite the many losses they suffered. The ache within her echoed, crashed, and lingered, knocking around her mind and heart like the clanging, broken parts of an abandoned ship on Jakku.
No one. Nothing.
How did she feel so desperately distant from the comfort in the room? She willed herself to feel at peace.
For the briefest of moments, the emptiness inside her pulsed, reaching through the Force… she longed to hear the sound drain from the room. She longed for a different echo. The echo of a resonating baritone voice. She longed for the bone-deep empathy reflected in wide, brown eyes and a long face.
But the instant was gone as soon as it came. She clenched her fist in self-chastisement, digging her fingernails into her palm. She allowed the longing to freeze over into stony contempt. How could she be so foolish? Kylo Ren had made his choice, and besides, she knew she couldn’t control their strange connection.
“Rey, are you alright?” came a kind, worn voice. She met Leia’s eyes, dark, knowing, expressive, and so like Ben Solo’s. A sliver of hope crept back into her.
She forced her thoughts away from the General’s son. “Luke… he’s gone. I felt it. But he didn’t die with sadness; he felt peace and purpose.”
“I felt it too,” she replied with a knowing smile. Leia took Rey’s hand. “Things may seem dark now, but Luke’s sacrifice had meaning. We have something here that we can build. I believe that. Do you?”
Rey looked around again. Could this scarce crew really bring down the First Order? “If I have anything to say about it. I have faith in the light.”
“It seeps off of you in waves. We need you here, Rey.” Leia squeezed her hand intently. “I feel more at peace with you on this ship; I think the whole crew does.”
Rey smiled truly. Those words sunk into her heart, and she began to feel that she actually mattered. I am not nothing. I matter to her. To the Resistance .
“Is there anything else you want to tell me, Rey?” Leia’s eyes pierced her own. “What happened on the island?”
This was her chance. If she were to tell anyone, it would be Leia. Leia, Ben’s mother, wouldn’t cast her out for her treacherous bond in the Force. She would understand, wouldn’t she? But how could Rey tell her? How would she even begin to explain? She wanted to give Leia hope, to tell her of the light, the conflict she felt in her son. But she feared it would just cause more pain. She feared that Leia would reject her, abandon her. And deep down, part of her wanted to keep this bond to herself. Though she wouldn’t allow herself to admit that.
“Luke was remarkably grumpy,” she finally began, “but he trained me well. I couldn’t convince him to return with me, but in the end, he did what was right. We were right to hope in him.” Leia searched her face. She clearly knew there was more to tell, but she didn’t press the issue.
“We were. Now if you excuse me, I need some rest. The sleeping quarters will be tight for a time, until we can relocate to a more permanent base. I hope you can make yourself comfortable. Rey, I want you to know that if you need anything you can come to me. There are few enough women around here, and I get tired of 3PO’s nagging.”
“Thank you, General. I will,” Rey replied earnestly.
“And Rey, please do shower. You smell like fish and sweat.”
Rey nearly choked on her spit. “As you command,” she said, laughing, despite the flush rising in her cheeks. She had avoided showering of late, having no idea when the Force might decide to embarrass her with an unwanted voyeur. Leia turned, followed by her elegant robes. Not even the worn interior of the Millenium Falcon could make her look anything less than regal. Rey looked down at her own tattered clothes. Force, she needed to change.
She sought out the cramped refresher just past the cockpit. She had rummaged around for a change of clothes and eventually settled on a pair of dark trousers and a loose-fitting beige tunic that she’d cinch with a belt. She also found a leather jacket that she quite liked. She laid out all of the clothes so that she could get into them as soon as possible. Though she felt she had effectively closed off her bond with Ben, she couldn’t be too careful. She turned on the stream of water and swiftly stepped out of her clothes, peeling off layer by layer until all that was left was a coat of grime and blood from her recent battles. She stepped into the refresher, and her shoulder stung where the Praetorian guard had sliced her. The wound brought with it a fresh flash of emotion, still raw from all that had transpired aboard the Supreme Leader’s ship. She lathered herself with soap from head to toe as quickly as possible, trying to scrub off the memories and enjoy the feel of the water while it lasted. Within five minutes she was cleaned, dried, and dressed yet again.
When she slid the leather jacket onto her shoulders, she finally exhaled. She had made it through the shower without any awkward encounter, and she beamed like a child as she stared into the mirror. Little victories , she told herself. She started to gather her hair into her traditional three-bun style, but in a moment of defiance, she decided to simply let her hair fall loose. It was night, she was safe, and she wanted to feel comfortable. She no longer cared about being recognized by parents who didn’t give a damn about her.
Rey made her way to the sleeping quarters, where some were sardined into the few cots on the ship, while the rest utilized what space they could, using whatever sleeping bags and blankets they could find aboard the Falcon. Rey spotted Finn, Rose, and Poe lying in a corner, and she went to join them. There wasn’t much privacy, but there was enough space for her to sleep comfortably and stretch out. To be quite honest, she had done much worse on Jakku.
She lay back and pulled her jacket tight around her, taking deep breaths, willing sleep to come. But her mind and heart would not quiet. They were alert and fried from the events of the past twenty-four hours. She was amazed at what humans could handle, and she was beginning to wonder if she could handle much more. Perhaps this journey would provide respite from the intense highs and lows of intimacy and loneliness and hope and fear that she had felt within the space of a day.
She hadn’t realized that her heart rate had quickened, and she forced her breathing to slow once again, matching it with the rhythm of her sleeping friends beside her. She closed her eyes. Here, alone, she finally allowed her thoughts to drift back to Ben Solo. It wasn’t at all hard to find him, under the facade of Kylo Ren. She thought of the feel of his fingers on hers. She thought of his careful, intent steps toward her every time they were together. Of the look in his eyes as he begged her to come with him. It shredded her, deep from her belly all the way to the backs of her eyes, like the slow dragging of a knife. His future had felt so clear and certain in her mind, and her heart gaped to think of what was lost. Beyond anger, beyond contempt and disappointment and frustration, she just allowed herself to feel loss and sadness. And longing.
She turned on her side, and she was puzzled when she could no longer hear her friends’ deep breaths. All sound drained from the room until she could only hear one single person, so clear she could swear she heard a heartbeat. Her eyes shot open, and even in the dark, she could see his pale face, bearing a haunted expression. She flinched backward and almost jumped to her feet, but she stopped herself for fear of appearing odd to the others. She didn’t even allow herself to gasp, but her breathing became hitched. He sleepily opened his eyes, and his expression softened before it hardened into something Rey could only describe as wounded. The only sound between them was their quickening breaths.
Rey immediately surmised that he, too, was in bed. His chest was bare and the rest of him was covered by a soft gray sheet. That is, she assumed it was soft. Ben’s eyes raked her up and down, pausing curiously on her jacket. His gaze was more mournful than lusty, but it still made her skin prickle. For a while, they simply lay there staring at one another, barely blinking. Neither said a thing. Rey tried to turn away, to ignore him, but she couldn’t. There was a hollow space in her heart that she felt being filled, sated, made whole, and she couldn’t tear herself away from it. She felt the same struggle in Ben. She longed to reach out, to make him real, but the sting of betrayal and Ben’s--Kylo Ren’s--choices were too raw. He continued to say nothing, nor did he move. Rey began to drift off, feeling safe in a way that she never before had in this vulnerable state. On Jakku, she was used to having to be on alert at all times, ready to fend for her life at the slightest sound in the night. But here, lying face to face with the Supreme Leader of the First Order, she never felt less at risk. What in the galaxy did that say about her?
Her thoughts trailed down this path as she slipped into sleep, and only then did Ben say something.
“That’s my jacket, you know.”